The problem with the Internet is that you can buy stuff in the middle of the night.
Last year’s Christmas decorating gave me a new hatred appreciation for the internet. The sheer volume of ideas, stuff, useless suggestions… all left me feeling not warm or fireside cozy. But instead made me agitated and scrambled.
I said that this year I was only going to do VERY SIMPLE holiday decorations… that I would not get sucked into the vortex of hauling out all the stored boxes of chaos… I was proud of my decision to embrace sanity over blog content. But then Paul was away for a few nights.
I never sleep well when he is gone, (everyone knows that is when the ax murderers get you). And late one night I got on Pinterest.
After an hour of rabidly mindless scrolling, I was consumed with a mad desire to fill my house with holiday festiveness.
And burlap.
It was a deranged zeal for house, and home, and tips for cleaning with vinegar, and chalkboard art, and 10 easy crafts to do with plastic spoons.
The Glitter Troll marched out and started singing “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
She said– bring me some of those fireworks that come up from the footlights at Cher’s concerts… WE NEED PYROTECHNICS, not THIS NONSENSE.
The Glitter Troll hopped up and down and pointed accusatorily– what is this? Little House on the Prairie? Or maybe some kind of avant-garde experiment where you attempt to bore your readers to death?
I was embarrassed. What WAS I thinking? Why did I think I could substitute simplicity and free time for interesting blog content?
This newfound delirium enthusiasm drove me to revisit the concept I had originally planned but decided against in the name of mental stability and ratio of limited amount of time on earth vs. how much of your existence you should spend doing Christmas decorations.
And because it was one in the morning – a time that has a hallucinogenic effect on your judgment— myself whispered in my ear: you should totally do that idea.
It would be FUN.
AND APPARENTLY AFTER THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS ON EARTH, I STILL CANNOT IDENTIFY WHEN MYSELF IS TOTALLY LYING TO ME.
So I had this idea… a concept… And my concepts are always dangerous because they are not ever solutions for clean energy or world peace.
They are only ever a better way to waste more time.
And this particular concept required that I order supplies similar in size and scope to decorating a float for the Macy’s Day Parade.
As I loaded up my Amazon cart, I spoke sternly to myself – saying things about how this was really NOT a good use of my time… But self ignored me.
She continued to scamper around; flinging more and more things into the cart with no regard for the person who was going to receive this metric ton of shiny crap.
I hit “buy it now” with what I can only describe as hostile enthusiasm.
A few days later I came home and and there they were – a plague of boxes that I had brought upon myself.
They were SUCH big boxes. And I said to myself – WHY? Why SELF?? Why did you order all of this stuff?
Self said– just leave it out there. Maybe someone will steal it and then you won’t have to deal with it.
Then self scurried into the house and turned her back to me.
I was like – fantastic, self. That is fantastic. Thank you.
When Paul came home he said – what is all that stuff out front?
I said – that is compulsiveness.
Combined with impulsiveness.
Intersecting with a desire to win the interesting blog-content contest.
Overlaid with my attachment to the approval of strangers on the internet.
Hampered by indecision.
Paul said— so, essentially crap?
I said— essentially. Yes… and I cannot decide if I have the will to spin it into gold.
December 10, 2014 @ 12:20 pm
What’s taking so long!!! Hurry up, I want to see what’s inside the boxes as well as what you are going to do this year!!! Loved last years disco balls!!! If you are done with them, I would love to decorate my house with them, maybe for 2015.
Love your blog!!! Look forward to it every week to get inspiration & laughter… 🙂
December 10, 2014 @ 12:24 pm
You have to tell us what’s in the boxes! You know you can spin it into gold, the world will be a slightly less happy place if you return it all or let it be stolen off your front porch!!
December 10, 2014 @ 12:26 pm
If it makes you happy, always do it! The best thing about decorating Victorians is being able to go over the top – Christmas is no different! Have the most fun – I know I am with my Victorian, especially having a porch restored for the first time – http://wp.me/p3TVq6-Pc – this year !!!
December 10, 2014 @ 12:27 pm
We are so looking forward to you ripping open those boxes. I applaud your “Christmas Sickness” as I am also afflicted. Get your Christmas on.
December 10, 2014 @ 12:30 pm
I can’t believe that your writing can become even more hilarious with each new post-but it DOES! And I suspect you became so exhausted from the thinking and the planning and checking the doors to make sure they were all locked(what I do every time I have to sleep in the house alone) that you ran out of steam for the actual effort needed to rip open said boxes and activate the spinning gold out of Amazon crap machine into churning out some Holiday Magic. I’m more than joyous with last years wonderfulness so relax and have some eggnog and send it all back. Just keep writing because your writing is addictive. I don’t know why You don’t have a contract with Simon & Schuster by now.
December 10, 2014 @ 12:41 pm
Exactly WHY do you not have a book deal yet?! Can’t wait to see what Self hath wrought soon.
December 10, 2014 @ 12:47 pm
Dear Victoria Elizabeth Barnes,
My comment will be short. You’re just like me. The same as I am. CRAZY 😀 And I love you for that reason.
December 10, 2014 @ 12:55 pm
You need this even more than I do:
http://brenebrown.com/2014/12/03/show-must-go-cost/
Off to arrange vintage linens in a glass door cabinet…
December 10, 2014 @ 1:08 pm
I just recently found your blog …like last week and I have to tell you you are a hoot and a half! Thanx for the laughs today. Can not wait to see if you open those boxes!;)
December 10, 2014 @ 1:25 pm
I think something has happened to Elizabeth–possibly something in the first box she opened attacked and gagged her? Or tied her hands up at the very least? Otherwise I’m SURE she would have told everyone what was in the boxes!
December 10, 2014 @ 1:26 pm
I meant, of course, Victoria Elizabeth. lol
December 10, 2014 @ 1:36 pm
Would it be obsessive if I hit the refresh button every 37 seconds until your next post and then repeat the process until the post after follows that? Not that I *eyes shift* would ever do that.
Seriously, you are a scream, your glitter troll is awesome, Elvis is too cool, your house is gorgeous, and though Paul (god love him) may be a saint, he is still very lucky to have someone so freakin’ fun.
December 10, 2014 @ 1:39 pm
Since you are having second thoughts, I CALL THE DISCO BALL AND GLITTER CANNON, for I know at least one of each is undoubtedly in those boxes. You have a glitter troll; I have a sparkle fairy, and she loves to get me up around 1am to scroll through the jewelry category on e-Bay. Thankfully, she is content with high quality designer pieces instead of real, because we can go gaud.. uh, bold and chunky, for less. It’s all the same affliction though. If it exists, we must make it twinkle, sparkle and glitter – especially at Christmas!
Following your Craigslist example, last week I found the most wonderful, ornate, slightly rusty iron garden bench, and patiently waited for my “Paul” (his name is Frank) to come home from work with the SUV. Never mind that we had to drive to the next county, and discovered that two of the four screws were gone leaving the seat hanging. It was a must-have and I now already have the parts to fix it. My desire to see this worn, sad little bench transformed to it’s original beauty is my driving force. Plus it keeps the sparkle fairy at bay for now. Once finished and beautiful once again, I will add lovely damask cushions, and maybe a bow pillow or two… or three! Merry Christmas Victoria Elizabeth and happy glittering!
December 10, 2014 @ 1:42 pm
Victoria, first, like everyone else, OPEN THE DAMN BOXES ALREADY! I can’t stand it!
My own Glitter Troll has been in a tizzy since Saturday when I bought a huge bag of what looked like old crystal Christmas ornaments at a garage sale for $5.00. When I got home I discovered the Treasure of the Incas. The bag was stuffed with so many old handmade crystal ornaments, chandelier crystals, crystal angels ….. agh!. I had crystal covering every square inch of counterspace and table space and floor space in the house, which made me drag out all the craft boxes because I HAD to do something with all of this IMMEDIATELY and my poor brain just went into overload. It was worse than a chocoholic attack. Now every window and corbel in my house is dripping with crazy crystal chandeliery ornament thingies that the Glitter Troll is whispering to me need to stay right where they are permanently and have more and more added to them.
Yes, that’s better.
December 10, 2014 @ 1:48 pm
Seriously, if I lived closer to you, I’d steal those boxes myself (because heaven knows that I don’t have a large enough pile of Internet crap of my own). I’m certain that those boxes contain many shiny, fancy, sparkly things that will make your holidays infinitely more sparkly and amazing if you’d just OPEN THE DARNED BOXES….and let us know what’s in them….with links to the internet sites in case I need to order some….(see comments above regarding my lack of Internet crap). xo
December 10, 2014 @ 2:13 pm
oh dear…you are very fortunate you know in the comments Paul gave you…mine would have been and would still be…screaming at me. My best friend just this past Saturday went through the similar scenario at the local auction…calls me and says, “Why didn’t you come with me? I spent way, way too much! And all because you weren’t here buying some of it!” LOL!
Waiting to see what happens next…seems like something is changing in Victoria…you sound weary…
December 10, 2014 @ 2:55 pm
Haha! You are too funny! Yeah, I’m dying to know what the glitter troll commanded you to purchase. Do tell. But guess you will reveal it all very soon, or not. Hehe.
December 10, 2014 @ 3:09 pm
………..I am convinced more than ever that we were identical twins in a past life………..
December 10, 2014 @ 3:14 pm
I like your photos above of greenery plus a little glitter, but whatever you do will be beautiful and interesting. I understand about the “one o’clock in the morning” impulses, and look forward to what comes of them.
Also, for what it’s worth, this is what I recently wrote about some Christmas cookies—chocolate macaroons— my sweetie made. “She definitely went over the top when she dipped them in chocolate and sprinkled them with crushed peppermint….not that excess is bad in a Christmas cookie, but the non-gilded part of the thing tastes plenty sweet and decadent on its own.” As in cookies, so in Christmas decorations?
December 10, 2014 @ 4:03 pm
Will you PLEASE, PLEASE hurry up and open those boxes, spin all the crap into gold (I know you can do it!), and post the results. I didn’t realize it until I read your blog today, but Christmas won’t be complete until we all see what your “self” had in mind. Merry Christmas!
December 10, 2014 @ 4:40 pm
I have an entire overhead loft storage in the garage and an attic full of Christmas stuff. I could actually open a small Christmas botique to sell this stuff. Now that I am older (30’s are a distant memory) – I no longer have the energy to spent three to five days putting up decorations, only to spend another two days to take them all down. I used to do at least 5 (yes five) different themed Christmas trees in my house. The large tree in the bay window holds over 25 years of collecting Lenox china ornaments, the skinny 6.5 ft tree in the master bedroom all themed with flowers, birds and wildlife glass ornaments, a white and silver christmas tree in the family room, a petite Lenox blown glass crystal ornament tree in the guest bedroom, a table top tree on the dining room. table, and a cranberry crystal tree on the cocktail table in the living room. Add to that a large collection of German nutcrackers, many buildings and village pieces of Dept 56 “Christmas in the City”, you get the picture. Well this year I HAD to add several boxes of “retro Christmas” decor to decorate the church Bake Sale and Auction I was responsible for – along with designing and printing two 10 foot x 3 foot outdoor vinyl banners to hand on the fences to announce the event. The theme was “Home for the Holidays”. I purchased boxes of bake sale candy, accessories and packaging and assembled 20 themed wrapped gift baskets for the auction… This insanity started in September, so nope I am not going beyond the basics in decorating my home this year. Baked my famous 5 nut caramel tarts in shortbread crusts drizzled with chocolate ganache, pumpkin cheesecakes with caramel topping in gingersnap crusts, chocolate cheesecake topped with an entire jar of Fran’s dark chocolate sauce sprinkled with crushed pepperment as an accent in a chocolate cookie crust, … Wish I could attach a pic here, but don’t see an option for that.
The bake sale and auction raised under $2,000 for the church (I donated all supplies and time and supplies cost me about that amount)… hmmm maybe giving a check next year would be a better idea.