The problem with the Internet is that you can buy stuff in the middle of the night.
Last year’s Christmas decorating gave me a new hatred appreciation for the internet. The sheer volume of ideas, stuff, useless suggestions… all left me feeling not warm or fireside cozy. But instead made me agitated and scrambled.
I said that this year I was only going to do VERY SIMPLE holiday decorations… that I would not get sucked into the vortex of hauling out all the stored boxes of chaos… I was proud of my decision to embrace sanity over blog content. But then Paul was away for a few nights.
I never sleep well when he is gone, (everyone knows that is when the ax murderers get you). And late one night I got on Pinterest.
After an hour of rabidly mindless scrolling, I was consumed with a mad desire to fill my house with holiday festiveness.
And burlap.
It was a deranged zeal for house, and home, and tips for cleaning with vinegar, and chalkboard art, and 10 easy crafts to do with plastic spoons.
The Glitter Troll marched out and started singing “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
She said– bring me some of those fireworks that come up from the footlights at Cher’s concerts… WE NEED PYROTECHNICS, not THIS NONSENSE.
The Glitter Troll hopped up and down and pointed accusatorily– what is this? Little House on the Prairie? Or maybe some kind of avant-garde experiment where you attempt to bore your readers to death?
I was embarrassed. What WAS I thinking? Why did I think I could substitute simplicity and free time for interesting blog content?
This newfound delirium enthusiasm drove me to revisit the concept I had originally planned but decided against in the name of mental stability and ratio of limited amount of time on earth vs. how much of your existence you should spend doing Christmas decorations.
And because it was one in the morning – a time that has a hallucinogenic effect on your judgment— myself whispered in my ear: you should totally do that idea.
It would be FUN.
AND APPARENTLY AFTER THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS ON EARTH, I STILL CANNOT IDENTIFY WHEN MYSELF IS TOTALLY LYING TO ME.
So I had this idea… a concept… And my concepts are always dangerous because they are not ever solutions for clean energy or world peace.
They are only ever a better way to waste more time.
And this particular concept required that I order supplies similar in size and scope to decorating a float for the Macy’s Day Parade.
As I loaded up my Amazon cart, I spoke sternly to myself – saying things about how this was really NOT a good use of my time… But self ignored me.
She continued to scamper around; flinging more and more things into the cart with no regard for the person who was going to receive this metric ton of shiny crap.
I hit “buy it now” with what I can only describe as hostile enthusiasm.
A few days later I came home and and there they were – a plague of boxes that I had brought upon myself.
They were SUCH big boxes. And I said to myself – WHY? Why SELF?? Why did you order all of this stuff?
Self said– just leave it out there. Maybe someone will steal it and then you won’t have to deal with it.
Then self scurried into the house and turned her back to me.
I was like – fantastic, self. That is fantastic. Thank you.
When Paul came home he said – what is all that stuff out front?
I said – that is compulsiveness.
Combined with impulsiveness.
Intersecting with a desire to win the interesting blog-content contest.
Overlaid with my attachment to the approval of strangers on the internet.
Hampered by indecision.
Paul said— so, essentially crap?
I said— essentially. Yes… and I cannot decide if I have the will to spin it into gold.
December 10, 2014 @ 4:47 pm
I literally just started hyperventilating with jealousy at the sight of that cabinet? Shelf? full of linens. I have such a deep and abiding love both of heavy, wooden storage and vintage linens (handmade??), but I’m 24, broke, amd living in a boxy 70s apartment building so I cannot indulge those loves. Can we have a full shot? Please??
…..I feel a bit like a foot fetishist asking for a picture of your shoes. I am not as weird as this makes me sound.
December 11, 2014 @ 6:37 am
Caitlin, if it’s for educational purpoes it’s not a fetish.
December 10, 2014 @ 5:04 pm
Dear Victoria Elizabeth Barnes,
1. Open the boxes
2. How do you have time to write a blog if you read all these comments?
3. You are a National Treasure!
December 10, 2014 @ 5:19 pm
Forget all the Christmas glitter I am just chuffed to have discovered I have the same plant stand as you – only one though 🙁 And it is currently black. I am now thinking it requires a new coat of white paint and to be housed pride of place on our porch – it’s not as if it could ever be stolen, those things weigh a tonne!!
It’s made my day to know that I am perhaps 1% as stylish as you! 🙂
December 10, 2014 @ 5:26 pm
Tell me where you live? So I can come steal it… Pretty sure I could run with it (awkwardly) at least down the block to my getaway car.
December 13, 2014 @ 8:41 pm
Napier, New Zealand! And never would a thief be so welcome – let me know when you’re coming and I’ll pop the kettle on 🙂
December 10, 2014 @ 6:03 pm
Thank god for the glitter troll….I have over 100 design blogs/house blogs/lifestyle blogs in my reader and EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is touting this ‘less is more’ ‘live simple’ ‘remember what Christmas is really about’ mantra (all while promoting their free Balsam Hill trees). If I seriously see one more plain ‘brown paper package tied up with string’ post I’ll scream. I’m saying you don’t have ENOUGH glitter, red velvet or garland in your house and I’m glad there are six large boxes on your porch devoted to the decorating. My only complaint is that Paul and your mother have not been made The People’s Worker yet. And I don’t see your ironing board or sewing machine out.
December 10, 2014 @ 6:09 pm
How dare Paul leave you at this critical time of year? It is temptation overload. The sirens are everywhere beckoning you to spend, spend, spend! And then — the contest begins. Who has the best mantle? Who has the best front door? Who has the best tablescape? Good grief my eyes are hurting from checking out everything and pinning. I have pinned and pinned and now I am totally disgusted that I don’t know what I want to do. I’ll wait for my inspiration muse -YOU to come up with something original 🙂
December 10, 2014 @ 8:12 pm
Too funny! You, the blog, and even your readers. The comments seem to be part of the madness. I have not seen this kind of encouragement given to anyone in years. Let the madness continue.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:51 pm
Must needs know… what fodder has thou rot? =D Love your blog! Janet
December 10, 2014 @ 11:05 pm
The suspense is killing me. Must. Know. What. Is. In. The. Boxes. Please unpack.
December 11, 2014 @ 12:10 am
LOVE!!!! 😉
December 11, 2014 @ 10:16 am
“What’s in the box?” LOL
December 11, 2014 @ 1:49 pm
I just have to report that thanks to a Glitter Ball link provided by a commenter I have received email that my !!!!!!!!!BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are on their way! What I am going to do with two dozen SHINY BALLS of various sizes is presently baffling? I don’t own a Cloche and I have no Porch. What was I thinking? Also I read the heads up on postage costs(prohibitive) by VEB AFTER I had ordered. Couldn’t find them anywhere in my locale so had to go internet-speaking of which Virginia- What were the shipping costs on your mad Amazon order?
December 11, 2014 @ 1:58 pm
Okay Miss Victoria Elizabeth, that was just mean! You have a crazed horde awaiting the reveal. I suggest Paul take pictures as you open the boxes. And I must agree with the poster above who reminded us that with Amazon, half of your haul could very well be wadded up brown paper, or those little air filled plastic pouches. Blergh.
December 11, 2014 @ 3:43 pm
I LOVE that yellow quilt. And I love that you have a cabinet for displaying your quilts. Mmmm, envy… it tastes like chocolate covered peanut butter cookies.
December 11, 2014 @ 4:30 pm
Open them. And do something fabulous with the contents quickly. Surely you cannot expect us to wait until next Wednesday for another post! Why, that’s way too close to Christmas for us to get any new tips from the Glitter Troll herself. So, I’m hoping there will be a Holiday Special (cue the Charlie Brown music) VEB blogpost soon. Send Paul away so you will have plenty of time to complete this project, sleep is highly overrated.
December 11, 2014 @ 11:40 pm
Haha!!! I love your writing style.
Also…you can’t very well show us a plate of cookies then throw them away…WHAT IS IN THE BOXES?!
December 14, 2014 @ 10:03 am
Hey! Look what I found!
http://www.houzz.com/photos/240387/Entablature-Mirrors-traditional-mirrors
A much more expensive kingdom mirror! You did good!
December 14, 2014 @ 10:53 am
It is now late afternoon on 14 December, 2014 here in NE Scotland. I’ve been waiting (like the worthies before me) with no patience for The Opening of the Boxes From Amazon. Waiting…
Arghhhhhhhh! Can’t. Stand. This. Suspense!!! Victoria Elizabeth Barnes, WHAT fills those tantalising boxes??!!
December 17, 2014 @ 12:10 am
I can’t believe this but our local grocery/clothing/hardware everything you need store has BIG fake pearl necklaces, earrings and bracelets! The buyer must read your blog!!
December 17, 2014 @ 9:50 pm
Can you please share with me where you got that fabulous cabine to store your beautiful quilts?!?!?!?!
December 18, 2014 @ 10:32 am
Craigslist, of course!! It’s antique and such a nice smallish size!
January 5, 2015 @ 12:18 am
Well, by now I know you sent the boxes back. Still, curious minds must know what the heck was in them????? Just kidding! I love Giant Fancy Things too, and just found an exquisite tapestry, still on the mounting rod (decorative) with giant gorgeous tassels at each side, for $10.00!!!! at my favorite thrift shop! (Just as good as Craigslist, and way more fun digging around!) But, I still love Craigslist, and Amazon!