The Glitter Troll is disappointed.
After I hit publish on last week’s post, I had to go participate in real life.
By the time I got back here, I realized that what I thought was a post about the way you can get carried away on the internet in the middle of the night, could also be interpreted as: hooray! I ordered a glitter canon!
By the next morning, I was really panicking… I had so many comments speculating on the extravaganza I was sure to reveal— expecting the rebirth of Liberace and Louis XIV hopped up on speedballs of glitter and hot glue and way more trips to the craft store.
The logical thing would have been to jump right in and try to do damage control. But that is not how I operate… I cannot determine between crisis and normal everyday event. So I just respond to everything as if it’s a crisis, JUST INCASE.
And last Wednesday, the crisis was that I sent all those boxes back.
The only thing I kept was gold craft paint.
Before you boo me as a traitor to the cause of glitter and excess, let me assure you that I realize I have made a terrible mistake.
Let me also blame Paul… He is the reason I sent it all back.
I have since rejected his false prophecy of holiday rabies being optional or unnecessary. But at the time, he was very persuasive.
Particularly after I explained to him the Sisyphean-cutting-of-cardboard-into-whimsical-but-highly-specific-self-imposed-straitjacket-garland, and how I would need him to set up the saw to cut complementary plywood shapes.
Paul said— which saw?
My hair was standing on end and I was surrounded by 37 boxes of crap… so I thought that should have been obvious.
I said— ALL OF THE SAWS!
My ideas were preposterous… time-consuming… on par with DIY-ing your own full-scale Eiffel Tower out of popsicle sticks and string: pointless, but of interest to the neighbors.
But the more comments I got, the more I panicked.
I thought about re-ordering all of it.
I panicked more at the idea of welcoming ALL OF THE CRAP BACK… spending day and night for the next week doing nothing but slaving away— driven by pure demonic rage at myself and self’s idiocy in these categories:
Why did I listen to Paul?
How could I have so seriously misjudged my responsibilities?
When will I stop making such glaring, hideous errors of judgment?
My anxiety ramped up and up. To the heavens. To infinity.
I felt like screaming— I’ve ruined Christmas! And then running out into the night and sacrificing myself to the gods of regret by lying down in the street and hoping that someone would run me over.
But I couldn’t go out into the street and wait for someone to run me over until I had emptied all of the dishes out of the kitchen cupboards so that Paul can start dismantling stuff and also so that we can begin storing all of the kitchen stuff in the dining room, and not be able to find anything, which Paul insists on doing now instead of after Christmas when it might be slightly less stressful and chaotic.
As we were going back and forth between the dining room and kitchen, Paul said to me– I read some of the blog-comments you were talking about!
**editor’s note: please read slowly to fully absorb every word**
Then he said, AND I QUOTE:
You had better have something REALLY good, otherwise PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED.
I just stared at him.
Then I stared at him some more.
Then I stared at him with extra silence— to give him time to absorb the way his language failed to encompass the important turning point that had happened four days before when he CONVINCED ME TO SEND IT ALL BACK.
Then I said – you live here. Do YOU see anything spectacular happening?
Do YOU see the Christmas Eiffel Tower nearing completion?
No, ofcourse NOT.
BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO SEND MY SUPPLIES BACK.
Now, some particulars:
1. I got the magnolia leaf garland at an estate sale. I’m not sure if I love it, but why pass up buying extra crap you do not need if the crap can be had for a good price?
2. All I used was gold latex craft paint… despite TRYING to overcomplicate it.
The letter M started to get a little lumpy, because I could not leave well enough alone… I kept mixing in shiny things and adding layers of OTHER gold things. Because, SURELY I could improve on something I was already totally satisfied with. Why stop?
Obviously I tried adding glitter. And I don’t know how to tell you this – but I did not even like it. I do not know what is going on here. What could be next? Minimalism?
December 17, 2014 @ 10:14 am
Next? Minimalism? I almost fell off my chair at that one. Just the pick-me-up I needed on this gloomy morning. Thanks.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:15 am
Gurl, you crack me up! That was still a hoot!
Editors note!! hahaha.
#TheLifeOfABlogger.
Don’t feel bad. I did something stupid this week. (that’s supposed to make you feel better) If I had a third leg, I’d kick myself with it.
Love ya!!
Lynne xx
December 17, 2014 @ 10:19 am
It doesn’t matter what you do for Christmas, it all looks FABULOUS!! I love it!!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:20 am
You know what, Victoria? We love you because you’re real and not a hyped up QVC saleswoman trying to talk us into more stuff. So nothing spectacular got created this Christmas. Oh well. There will be next year. You still have a lovely home and a dear husband and will have a very merry Christmas!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:22 am
You dear woman. Thank you for all your words. They are fancy enough (read: spectacularly fancy) without listening to the glitter troll. I am not disappointed. I love the Merry and Bright on your lovely mirror. Thank you for that.
If it is encouraging at all to know: my only Christmas décor this year includes a wreath with a plaid bow from last year, about 18′ of icicle lights I put on my deck banister, friends’ Christmas cards taped on the wall, electric candle lights that I have had for 10 years, and a bowl of oranges that may or may not get cloves stuck in them. Some years I trick out my house. But this is not that year. I recommend it. But if this makes the glitter troll jump up and strangle you, by all means, ignore me.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:22 am
THANK THE SANITY SAINTS! Your home looked spectacular last Christmas Post and really didn’t need one more embellishment to make it a wonderful warm pretty place for you and friends and family to enjoy the Holidays. I think this Blogging -especially for one of your writing prowess) could come to be a bit of a trap of one-upmanship over your own endeavors. Very dangerous. I can guarantee you that we all come for the writing and all of the comments about desperate pleas to !open the boxes! were offered tongue in cheek. We can’t be that desperate can we? Relax and enjoy your wonderful home and family and thanks for all of the wonderful humor you have provided.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:23 am
Victoria–you are beautiful. You are amazingly talented and entertaining. Your home is beautiful. Paul sounds like a prince of a guy. We love you just as you are. Let go of the madness, the fight for the perfect this and that. Allow the holiday to be about the wonder and the gifts with which you are blessed. Take a break, a breath, and enjoy the season of love. Peace to you and yours.
December 17, 2014 @ 2:46 pm
AMEN to that Traci. Best advice so far.
December 18, 2014 @ 9:21 pm
What she said….about amen. Cut yourself some slack. You made us laugh.
One other note…..in desperation for something to put in one cache pot, I went to my local Kroger store and bought the last poinsettia that was the right size. The shameful part…..it had glitter on the leaves. Glitter belongs a lot of places but not on the leaves of a poinsettia. Desperage peo0ple do desperate things.
I’m going to enjoy Christmas in spite of it. I have lowered my standards since the days when I would have immediately rejected such a thing. No real shame has come to me. One adjusts as one gets older and tired-er. Jingle bells.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:27 am
You have cheered me up immensely! We are going out of town for the holidays (think MIL in assisted living…can it get any more cheerful?) So decorating is minimal this year…and I will be scooping it all off the mantels before we leave as I don’t want dead greenery staring at me when we return.
I got crazy on Cyber-Monday with discounts and free shipping….wine was also included…the more wine, the more presents I was giving. I sent it ALL back yesterday and am mailing checks as my gifts…..as now I don’t have time to shop. Valuable lesson learned: The colors of shirts on my computer are much brighter in person, (imagine Grinch Green.)
So you are my new hero…..enjoy the shopping, enjoy thinking about it all, and then save money and send it back!
Hope your holidays will be so much less stressful and more jolly!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:27 am
That was a good giggle to start the day! I feel guilty for enjoying you getting all stressed while I kick back with a coffee and observe it. As a dedicated reader I must help you in your guilt! You are forgiven, glitter is not my reason for reading your blog, it’s your humour! That is your gift, not the glitter. Have a wonderful Christmas holiday. See you in the new year. XXOO
December 17, 2014 @ 10:29 am
I agree, Victoria; your dive back into reality makes you human and responsible and a partner in your marriage (once in awhile we need to compromise with those guys ,right?). We are, and always will be, big fans and I can’t imagine how you could ever be a disappointment. Perish the thought, and Merry Christmas!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:31 am
I am not the least bit disappointed! You and Paul are so lovely together, that, in itself, is worth a bucket of shiny gold baubles!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:32 am
Victoria, I think we can all relate to the panic the holidays create in those of us who are so committed to the idea of creating the most memorable holiday decorations on planet earth. This year I decided instead of more decorations I wanted less stress. Now here I am at the 11th hour panicked because all of the adult kids have just informed us they are coming home. (The youngest informed me; “you can put the tree up now mom”) Ha! He forgot who he was dealing with—–already up! Anyway, I have (mostly) enjoyed “less is more” this season and instead of 7 days of decorating, making cookies, crafting, etc. I spent the time with my elderly mom.
I must have missed something, are you starting the kitchen remodel during the holidays? Also, how did you banish Paul to live in the basement? So glad you resisted the urge to reorder everything. Frankly, you don’t have to prove to us that you are the best decorator/blogger/comedienne around; we already know it! Happiest of Holidays to you, Paul and Elvis.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:34 am
Whenever I see one of your posts in my inbox I have to stop whatever I’m doing and read it immediately, because I know it will be so gratifying. Nothing like a little snarky humor with my morning coffee.
The day that you go minimalist is the day that I fill my house with shiny glittery things, so you don’t have to worry — ain’t gonna happen 🙂 And your sense of priorities is clearly rubbing off on Paul if he decided to do that kitchen project right in the middle of the Christmas extravaganza. Good job!!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:35 am
Wait, so does this mean the kitchen remodel is finally starting?
December 17, 2014 @ 10:39 am
Elizabeth as others have commented, we are not disappointed. Your gift to us all is your ability to make us laugh out loud! Many of us see a reflection of ourselves in your comments (I too respond to EVERYTHING as if it were a crisis, and never let totally satisfactory alone). So enjoy you beautiful home and Happy Holidays to you and your husband!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:40 am
GASP…. Less is more?! Yes Victoria, Christmas will be wonderful because of your terrific husband, family & friends. The glitter troll might pout this year but just think, you won’t be sweeping up glitter for the next 6 months… Merry Christmas!!
December 17, 2014 @ 10:41 am
Don’t worry, Victoria, with all my glittery crystally dangles hanging from every possible vertical surface in my house, I excessed (is that a word?) enough for all of us. Mystery boxes are fine until you get the bill…and then what would you have left to buy all of those fabulous Craigslist and yard sale finds waiting after the New Year?
December 17, 2014 @ 10:41 am
I love you and your holiday rabies.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:53 am
I felt compelled to reply, even though I NEVER reply or even read the comments to the blogs I enjoy. (Does that make me silly in some way?). Your blog is one of two that I always read, no matter how busy I am. I am here for your wit and charm, your writing style, your honesty, and your grounded-in-reality-and-ready-to-please-when-not-impossible-hunk-of-a-husband, Paul. (I have a husband that is a lot like Paul sounds like, so I get some good laugh-out-loud sessions going when I read your posts.). Do not fall prey to trying to please us. Just be you. We will love you even more if you do.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:54 am
good on you for choosing sanity over glitter trolls. though I have no doubt we would’ve been duly blown away with your creations, I’m happy you’ll get more time to enjoy the season!