The problem with the Internet is that you can buy stuff in the middle of the night.
Last year’s Christmas decorating gave me a new hatred appreciation for the internet. The sheer volume of ideas, stuff, useless suggestions… all left me feeling not warm or fireside cozy. But instead made me agitated and scrambled.
I said that this year I was only going to do VERY SIMPLE holiday decorations… that I would not get sucked into the vortex of hauling out all the stored boxes of chaos… I was proud of my decision to embrace sanity over blog content. But then Paul was away for a few nights.
I never sleep well when he is gone, (everyone knows that is when the ax murderers get you). And late one night I got on Pinterest.
After an hour of rabidly mindless scrolling, I was consumed with a mad desire to fill my house with holiday festiveness.
And burlap.
It was a deranged zeal for house, and home, and tips for cleaning with vinegar, and chalkboard art, and 10 easy crafts to do with plastic spoons.
The Glitter Troll marched out and started singing “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
She said– bring me some of those fireworks that come up from the footlights at Cher’s concerts… WE NEED PYROTECHNICS, not THIS NONSENSE.
The Glitter Troll hopped up and down and pointed accusatorily– what is this? Little House on the Prairie? Or maybe some kind of avant-garde experiment where you attempt to bore your readers to death?
I was embarrassed. What WAS I thinking? Why did I think I could substitute simplicity and free time for interesting blog content?
This newfound delirium enthusiasm drove me to revisit the concept I had originally planned but decided against in the name of mental stability and ratio of limited amount of time on earth vs. how much of your existence you should spend doing Christmas decorations.
And because it was one in the morning – a time that has a hallucinogenic effect on your judgment— myself whispered in my ear: you should totally do that idea.
It would be FUN.
AND APPARENTLY AFTER THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS ON EARTH, I STILL CANNOT IDENTIFY WHEN MYSELF IS TOTALLY LYING TO ME.
So I had this idea… a concept… And my concepts are always dangerous because they are not ever solutions for clean energy or world peace.
They are only ever a better way to waste more time.
And this particular concept required that I order supplies similar in size and scope to decorating a float for the Macy’s Day Parade.
As I loaded up my Amazon cart, I spoke sternly to myself – saying things about how this was really NOT a good use of my time… But self ignored me.
She continued to scamper around; flinging more and more things into the cart with no regard for the person who was going to receive this metric ton of shiny crap.
I hit “buy it now” with what I can only describe as hostile enthusiasm.
A few days later I came home and and there they were – a plague of boxes that I had brought upon myself.
They were SUCH big boxes. And I said to myself – WHY? Why SELF?? Why did you order all of this stuff?
Self said– just leave it out there. Maybe someone will steal it and then you won’t have to deal with it.
Then self scurried into the house and turned her back to me.
I was like – fantastic, self. That is fantastic. Thank you.
When Paul came home he said – what is all that stuff out front?
I said – that is compulsiveness.
Combined with impulsiveness.
Intersecting with a desire to win the interesting blog-content contest.
Overlaid with my attachment to the approval of strangers on the internet.
Hampered by indecision.
Paul said— so, essentially crap?
I said— essentially. Yes… and I cannot decide if I have the will to spin it into gold.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:09 am
I approve. Carry on.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:11 am
I MUST know what is in those boxes!!!
December 10, 2014 @ 11:04 am
Yeah me too!
December 10, 2014 @ 11:20 am
Yes I want to know too! Especially what on earth is in the big one!!!!
December 10, 2014 @ 10:14 am
Well I hate to say it but the Glitter Troll is right. This is not the Victoria Elizabeth Barnes we all know and love. Whether you post it on the blog or not you love shiny things. Embrace it, drag out the boxes, fete your Inner Raccoon and get your gold on. Denial only results in impulse Amazon purchases. Look at it like this, if an ax murderer tries to come in the house he will be blinded by the bling, giving you time to escape.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:15 am
This post will make my sweet wife Sandra feel oh so much better about herself.
Also, burlap.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:15 am
I love this, hurry up and unpack!!!
December 10, 2014 @ 10:15 am
I second, Siouxie Q. 🙂
Why am I thinking you must buy even more glittery goodness?! Perhaps because I can hide on my couch and live vicariously through you. Yes that sounds correct.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:17 am
Can’t wait to see the results!
December 10, 2014 @ 10:18 am
God bless your sweet heart. How well I know the feeling. After 51 years on this Earth, I have finally figured out that “simple” causes more angst and work and money for people like us. “Simple” is hard to pull off; everything has to be just so, and 1/8s of inches matter. A few misplaced sprinklings of glitter can throw the entire look off. And I myself am never satisfied with “simple”, so I end up not using it anyway, this wasting money and dealing a severe blow to my self confidence. So I just go insane and let the glitter fall where it may.
If you lived next door to your mama, do you think it would be unethical to have all those boxes delivered there, so your husband didn’t see them? Asking for a friend…
I can’t wait to see all the glory that will be wrought from your mind and those boxes!
December 10, 2014 @ 10:18 am
So open the boxes already- your crazy reader must know what yourself talked you into buying.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:18 am
I agree with Jennifer! I must know what is in those boxes!!!
December 10, 2014 @ 10:19 am
Yes, yes! You must spin it into gold and share the entire experience with us lesser impulsive beings. PLEASE!
December 10, 2014 @ 10:19 am
This year I scaled back, no crocheting snowflakes for Christmas cards (I would have had to start at Halloween), no Christmas cards at all, no elaborate presents (I’m baking pumpkin bread for everyone), no cookie distributions. Let me tell you, it’s glorious.
It’s not a forever thing, just this year. I saw Christmas looming like one of those CGI tidal waves and thought, “Not this year.”
I still have the tree(s)(shhhh) up, I still put lights up. But half my decorations are still boxed and it feels grand. I’m enjoying the season a lot more than if I’d run around like a maniac trying to fit everything everything everything in. There is ALWAYS next year 🙂
December 10, 2014 @ 10:19 am
Oh honey, we didn’t need the ‘net to od on Christmas décor… we had those all day all night shopping networks….
December 10, 2014 @ 10:25 am
Which is why I bought ballroom dance shoes — for me and for my husband — at 1:00 this morning. Stopped short of ordering a ballgown, however.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:28 am
Well this one is all on Paul, afterall he left you alone with yourself and you, that’s never gonna end with simple. Ever…. So the pyrotechnics glitter cannon you purchased to go off every time you walk in the door and the little robot vaccuum you bought to clean up afterwards so you didn’t have to and at the same time fancy decorated to amuse Elvis as it went about it’s work are fabulous, now what’s in the rest of the boxes…. Lines up for a ringside seat at shinies.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:29 am
Haha. It bites us in the ass every time. Can’t wait to see the results and a photo of you covered in it…
December 10, 2014 @ 10:30 am
I know your dilemma so well. I think we should just sit down and look someone in the eyes for at least 5 minutes this season.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:35 am
dear victoria , i too have an afinity for sparkly shiny christmas stuff and i also like earthy twiggy burlapy plaid and country christmas stuff so i do both! I live in both my”. more is better” christmas worlds. i have a really have a hard time controlling my impulsive nature fortunately limited money helps . Lookout if i ever win the lottery!lol
December 10, 2014 @ 10:36 am
Eagerly awaiting the spinning into gold part!! And also, dying to see more of this vintage linen treasure trove in the gorgeous glass door cabinet!
December 10, 2014 @ 10:42 am
I have to see what’s in the boxes!!! I bet it will be worth it in the end.