The problem with the Internet is that you can buy stuff in the middle of the night.
Last year’s Christmas decorating gave me a new hatred appreciation for the internet. The sheer volume of ideas, stuff, useless suggestions… all left me feeling not warm or fireside cozy. But instead made me agitated and scrambled.
I said that this year I was only going to do VERY SIMPLE holiday decorations… that I would not get sucked into the vortex of hauling out all the stored boxes of chaos… I was proud of my decision to embrace sanity over blog content. But then Paul was away for a few nights.
I never sleep well when he is gone, (everyone knows that is when the ax murderers get you). And late one night I got on Pinterest.
After an hour of rabidly mindless scrolling, I was consumed with a mad desire to fill my house with holiday festiveness.
And burlap.
It was a deranged zeal for house, and home, and tips for cleaning with vinegar, and chalkboard art, and 10 easy crafts to do with plastic spoons.
The Glitter Troll marched out and started singing “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
She said– bring me some of those fireworks that come up from the footlights at Cher’s concerts… WE NEED PYROTECHNICS, not THIS NONSENSE.
The Glitter Troll hopped up and down and pointed accusatorily– what is this? Little House on the Prairie? Or maybe some kind of avant-garde experiment where you attempt to bore your readers to death?
I was embarrassed. What WAS I thinking? Why did I think I could substitute simplicity and free time for interesting blog content?
This newfound delirium enthusiasm drove me to revisit the concept I had originally planned but decided against in the name of mental stability and ratio of limited amount of time on earth vs. how much of your existence you should spend doing Christmas decorations.
And because it was one in the morning – a time that has a hallucinogenic effect on your judgment— myself whispered in my ear: you should totally do that idea.
It would be FUN.
AND APPARENTLY AFTER THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS ON EARTH, I STILL CANNOT IDENTIFY WHEN MYSELF IS TOTALLY LYING TO ME.
So I had this idea… a concept… And my concepts are always dangerous because they are not ever solutions for clean energy or world peace.
They are only ever a better way to waste more time.
And this particular concept required that I order supplies similar in size and scope to decorating a float for the Macy’s Day Parade.
As I loaded up my Amazon cart, I spoke sternly to myself – saying things about how this was really NOT a good use of my time… But self ignored me.
She continued to scamper around; flinging more and more things into the cart with no regard for the person who was going to receive this metric ton of shiny crap.
I hit “buy it now” with what I can only describe as hostile enthusiasm.
A few days later I came home and and there they were – a plague of boxes that I had brought upon myself.
They were SUCH big boxes. And I said to myself – WHY? Why SELF?? Why did you order all of this stuff?
Self said– just leave it out there. Maybe someone will steal it and then you won’t have to deal with it.
Then self scurried into the house and turned her back to me.
I was like – fantastic, self. That is fantastic. Thank you.
When Paul came home he said – what is all that stuff out front?
I said – that is compulsiveness.
Combined with impulsiveness.
Intersecting with a desire to win the interesting blog-content contest.
Overlaid with my attachment to the approval of strangers on the internet.
Hampered by indecision.
Paul said— so, essentially crap?
I said— essentially. Yes… and I cannot decide if I have the will to spin it into gold.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:44 am
First, hilarious as always….. Second, I am so glad I am going to be starting a job after the new year working from home. My current coworkers think I am crazy because I laugh so hard from my office whenever I read one of your posts…
December 10, 2014 @ 10:45 am
O … M … G. What a stash! You know, you could’ve used the old “walking in your sleep” defense or in this case: interneting (is that a word?) in your sleep….Just saying..
Can’t wait to see what you do with all of it.
I know it’ll look fantastic.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:46 am
Please know that I truly love you and your unique ability to put a humorous spin on outrageousness and insanity and make it fun and enviable. That being said; well now, this last post, well, it’s just cruel…
WHAT’S IN THE BOXES ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you don’t post an answer super soon, I’m driving over and opening them myself. Never mind that I live approximately 1,100 miles away.
YOU MUST SHARE!!!!!!!
Please…even just one box and I will be able to sleep tonight. I know you will do the right thing. Thanks so much in advance.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:51 am
Midnight frenzy….how often have I had those. Tell Paul to go away again so you can utilize what’s in those boxes. If he does it after Christmas, just make “any time of year” bling and wow us with your usual BRILLIANCE. DON’T open them until he goes away. I say this because then it feels like you HAVE to do something with it and spoils the pleasure of new found treasures. It will be like a Christmas present in July to yourself if you wait for your next “I need to do something” attack. Maybe you’ll forget what’s in them by then. I’ve had stuff I didn’t open until 5 years after the fact, “What’s this? Oh, WOW! Forgot I ordered that”. I wasn’t being lazy; it was just move after move after move. That works good unless it’s electronics. LOL.
December 10, 2014 @ 10:54 am
Open the boxes! We need to know. . .
Mind you, my giant Amazon box delivered by courier today had 90% scrunched up brown paper in it, which I’ve folded and saved.
December 10, 2014 @ 11:07 am
Can’t wait to see what’s in all the boxes! I’m having the same issues myself. I wish Pinterest wouldn’t send you daily “drugs” that lock on to the creative side of your brain and won’t let go ’til you’ve tried them. And because I work full-time I could never accomplish…yada, yada, yada.
December 10, 2014 @ 11:09 am
“I said – that is compulsiveness.
Combined with impulsiveness.
Intersecting with a desire to win the interesting blog-content contest.
Overlaid with my attachment to the approval of strangers on the internet.
Hampered by indecision.”
Pure genius. That pretty much describes half my life right there.
December 10, 2014 @ 11:13 am
Oh dear, it’s time to get you into some volunteer time. I know! You can teach the blogless how to blog! And they’ll be interesting, because they will have learned from you.
I’m sure you will torment your self and do more great things this year for Christmas.
December 10, 2014 @ 11:15 am
Okay, curiosity piqued – check. Rolling on the floor with laughter when I saw that pile of boxes – check. Sitting by computer anxiously waiting for next post – check. OPEN THOSE BOXES – I just know this is going to be fantastic!! And if not, don’t worry, we’ve all had those late nite attacks of insanity .
December 10, 2014 @ 11:30 am
Elizabeth, I love this post. My 53 yr old self still lies to me, too.
I was reading this post to my Mom and she asked if I wrote it. Your inclusion of Paul is all that saved me.
The clear lights on half of my very tasteful 5 ft wreath decided to depart the scene two nights ago. This betrayal after I had spent three nights, the weekend of Thanksgiving, straightening tips & lights. Reaching straight up, while staring at a lit wreath, will make you stagger around your yard in the dark causing your neighbors to surmise you’ve been in the eggnog a bit early.
I discovered the iTwinkle tree at Lowe’s back before Thanksgiving. iTwinkle trees have C9 LED lights that have a gazillion functions, plus you can download music for it and control it on your ipad . Awesome gaudiness! Not having a place for an itwinkle tree, I bought a strand of the itwinkle lights. I hadn’t found a use for them other than turning them on occasionally to play with them. Look out tasteful outdoor wreath! The neighborhood kids are going to love you clothed in itwinkle lights.
December 10, 2014 @ 12:05 pm
Uh-oh. iTwinkle tree? I think Mr. “This one fake tree will last us the rest of our lives” is in trouble. I think I need an iTwinkle tree now.
December 10, 2014 @ 11:32 am
Aaah, compulsiveness.
Combined with impulsiveness.
Intersecting with a desire to win ….. the love of everybody
Overlaid with my attachment to the approval of …………. everybody
Hampered by indecision.
AND DECORATED WITH A LARGE DOSE OF PROCRASTINATION…… that’s me!!!
I wrote a long comment but forgot to fill in the top section, therefore it went AWOL and I haven’t got the will to redo it all……….. Now I wait with baited breath for the next instalment of your Xmas saga!
December 10, 2014 @ 11:33 am
Elizabeth Barnes reminds me so much of Erma Bombeck. Most of you are probably too young to know who she is. She had the same wonderful, delicious sense of humor. I still remember her columns with fondness, as many will remember Elizabeth’s columns in years to come. I am so glad I found Elizabeth.
Carry on Elizabeth! Do not keep the glitter troll at bay – and for goodness sake – open the boxes!
December 10, 2014 @ 11:35 am
…..and……???? You are keeping us in suspense! But seriously…..sometimes its good to actually listen to our “selves”…..she can be a protector of our sanity. Generally when “self” is telling us to “slow down”, “halt the wagons”or “whoa girl” I’ve learned in my 64 years….it is generally a good thing to listen to! We blog trolls would completely understand! Lot’s of glittery grace here!
December 10, 2014 @ 11:38 am
Yes, we love the glitter, chaos, Glitter Troll, your answer to Paul and his back to you (I love it)….but please open the boxes and satisfy our unending curiosity. We have to know what is in them!!!! And help you decirate, of course!!!!!
December 10, 2014 @ 11:50 am
…inquiring minds want to know…open those boxes!!!!
December 10, 2014 @ 11:54 am
My mantra: “It’s not done until it’s overdone! “
December 10, 2014 @ 11:56 am
Can you please post what you bought in a post tomorrow? Please. I can’t wait until next week, what if your computer breaks and you’re unable to reveal what wonderful treasures you’ve found for Christmas decorations?!
xo,
Karen
December 10, 2014 @ 12:04 pm
Oh, how I can relate. There are times my heart stops when the package man comes with a box with the smiling arrow, and I have to think back to WTH did I order in the middle of the night? Can’t wait to see what you bought!
December 10, 2014 @ 12:10 pm
Are your seriously kidding me right now? After a year+ of reading your blog I always told myself your Craigslist hauls are East Coast only miracles. Miraculous GFT’s are not available to this Midwest girl. I have heard rumours, read magazine articles, and watched TV shows touting the Eastern U.S.’ awesome roadside fleas markets and Craiglist treasures. The distance has saved me so much time, money, and sanity. That knowledge filled me with a restless contentment. NOW you tell me you bought on Amazon!? Victoria, *I* can buy on Amazon! What are you doing to me? You obviously want my house to be beautiful and my husband not to speak to me. (Sigh) Lets get it over with and open ’em up…
December 10, 2014 @ 12:17 pm
Hahahahaha! Amazon One-click will be the end of my bank acct. or life!!! LOVE you, your posts, your complete normalcy!!!