The Glitter Troll is disappointed.
After I hit publish on last week’s post, I had to go participate in real life.
By the time I got back here, I realized that what I thought was a post about the way you can get carried away on the internet in the middle of the night, could also be interpreted as: hooray! I ordered a glitter canon!
By the next morning, I was really panicking… I had so many comments speculating on the extravaganza I was sure to reveal— expecting the rebirth of Liberace and Louis XIV hopped up on speedballs of glitter and hot glue and way more trips to the craft store.
The logical thing would have been to jump right in and try to do damage control. But that is not how I operate… I cannot determine between crisis and normal everyday event. So I just respond to everything as if it’s a crisis, JUST INCASE.
And last Wednesday, the crisis was that I sent all those boxes back.
The only thing I kept was gold craft paint.
Before you boo me as a traitor to the cause of glitter and excess, let me assure you that I realize I have made a terrible mistake.
Let me also blame Paul… He is the reason I sent it all back.
I have since rejected his false prophecy of holiday rabies being optional or unnecessary. But at the time, he was very persuasive.
Particularly after I explained to him the Sisyphean-cutting-of-cardboard-into-whimsical-but-highly-specific-self-imposed-straitjacket-garland, and how I would need him to set up the saw to cut complementary plywood shapes.
Paul said— which saw?
My hair was standing on end and I was surrounded by 37 boxes of crap… so I thought that should have been obvious.
I said— ALL OF THE SAWS!
My ideas were preposterous… time-consuming… on par with DIY-ing your own full-scale Eiffel Tower out of popsicle sticks and string: pointless, but of interest to the neighbors.
But the more comments I got, the more I panicked.
I thought about re-ordering all of it.
I panicked more at the idea of welcoming ALL OF THE CRAP BACK… spending day and night for the next week doing nothing but slaving away— driven by pure demonic rage at myself and self’s idiocy in these categories:
Why did I listen to Paul?
How could I have so seriously misjudged my responsibilities?
When will I stop making such glaring, hideous errors of judgment?
My anxiety ramped up and up. To the heavens. To infinity.
I felt like screaming— I’ve ruined Christmas! And then running out into the night and sacrificing myself to the gods of regret by lying down in the street and hoping that someone would run me over.
But I couldn’t go out into the street and wait for someone to run me over until I had emptied all of the dishes out of the kitchen cupboards so that Paul can start dismantling stuff and also so that we can begin storing all of the kitchen stuff in the dining room, and not be able to find anything, which Paul insists on doing now instead of after Christmas when it might be slightly less stressful and chaotic.
As we were going back and forth between the dining room and kitchen, Paul said to me– I read some of the blog-comments you were talking about!
**editor’s note: please read slowly to fully absorb every word**
Then he said, AND I QUOTE:
You had better have something REALLY good, otherwise PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED.
I just stared at him.
Then I stared at him some more.
Then I stared at him with extra silence— to give him time to absorb the way his language failed to encompass the important turning point that had happened four days before when he CONVINCED ME TO SEND IT ALL BACK.
Then I said – you live here. Do YOU see anything spectacular happening?
Do YOU see the Christmas Eiffel Tower nearing completion?
No, ofcourse NOT.
BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO SEND MY SUPPLIES BACK.
Now, some particulars:
1. I got the magnolia leaf garland at an estate sale. I’m not sure if I love it, but why pass up buying extra crap you do not need if the crap can be had for a good price?
2. All I used was gold latex craft paint… despite TRYING to overcomplicate it.
The letter M started to get a little lumpy, because I could not leave well enough alone… I kept mixing in shiny things and adding layers of OTHER gold things. Because, SURELY I could improve on something I was already totally satisfied with. Why stop?
Obviously I tried adding glitter. And I don’t know how to tell you this – but I did not even like it. I do not know what is going on here. What could be next? Minimalism?
December 17, 2014 @ 6:50 pm
The EXCITEMENT is that you’re about to dismantle the kitchen, which means KITCHEN REHAB. K-k-k-kitchen! Horrible kitchen! Take out a sledgehammer and wave bye-bye! (Sing to tune of your choice)
Also, the magnolia garland has the virtue of being in scale with your house, so it is good.
December 17, 2014 @ 7:08 pm
For all of us who pine for an Architectural Digest Meets Martha’s Crafty Elves Christmas. I pass this along. One of the smartest holiday ideas I ever saw was the annual decorating party my friends threw shortly after Thanksgiving. They would hit the stores in early Jan. to stick up on leftover ribbons & bows & Xmas tchotchkes &, yes, glitter. Then the day of the party they’d pick up greenery from clippings in their yard supplemented by a local nursery’s offerings. They’d pile the hoard on the dining table with floral wire, wire cutters, other support tools. Then the guests were responsible for decorating their entire house – tree too – while the hosts brewed big pots of chili & hot chocolate (which may have had the slightest hint of peppermint schnapps added). We all had a grand time & their house was completely unique but wonderful each year.
December 20, 2014 @ 8:56 am
Julia, your friends are absolutely brilliant. I wonder how many years in a row they were able to get away with that? Me, I use the grandchildren (ages 2 and 8). As long as everything is unbreakable and I’m not too fussy about most of the decorations being hung at knee level, it’s beautiful! And I don’t have to put booze in their hot chocolate … Yes, they’ll work for sugar.
December 17, 2014 @ 8:13 pm
if it’s minimalism today, and glitter fairy tomorrow, it’s ALL good… what it really comes down to is the journey of life that you take us on, with all of its glittery ups and coal-smudged downs… we enjoy every moment that you bring to us with your wit and sarcastic humor.
also, this year, i was secretly hoping the glitter fairy fell off her wand, since the closest i’m going to get to christmas decorating is moping up water and coal dust after the water pipe explosion that left me with 1/2 of a ceiling, a drowned couch, soggy floors, and the sweet sound of dehumidifiers and air movers for days on end.
please continue to make us laugh until we cry… because we need it, and because it’s better than just crying! 🙂
xox
December 17, 2014 @ 9:26 pm
Please don’t sacrifice yourself to the gods in the middle of the street. I couldn’t bear/bare/ whatever it. I agree with Randie – just keep making us laugh and don’t forget you have our undying love and adoration forever. Say the word and we’ll all be there with our glitter/glue/paint/nail/whatever guns.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:10 pm
Oh Dear. The Glitter Troll was shipped out with the boxes of crap. I can understand how this could happen. Truly I can. Rest up this year. Take a break. Let the squirrel off the wheel. Rejoice in the peace. But dear Lord… Please don’t let this be a trend.
December 18, 2014 @ 12:26 am
To quote Mark Darcy (as said to Bridget Jones) – “We love you. Just. the. way. you. are.”
December 18, 2014 @ 2:26 am
You are so funny! I love your decorating ideas but even more charming is your self-deprecating humor . Your personality sparkles – no need for glitter!
Also, your decorations look beautiful and they are so creative!
December 18, 2014 @ 2:41 am
I’m sure the Glitter Troll is out bugging the hell outta someone else right now. Don’t worry, he’ll be back next year, I’m sure.
We are having a minimalist Christmas this year ourselves. Hubby got crazy last month and strung white icicle lights on the house, but that’s it. No kids are coming home this year, so we are taking ourselves off to Tybee Island, Georgia, where we will drown our (imaginary) christmas sorrows with low-country boil and fireworks on the pier on New Years’ Eve. Don’t you feel sorry for us?
Happy Christmas!
December 18, 2014 @ 6:45 am
So happy that you were able to put the brakes on and send back the crazed items. Sometimes we can go overboard and with the everything is new and more at Christmas. We can’t all do that and we should not feel that we have to. Changing the look of the mirror or using decor from the past is a wonderful way of simplifying. Thank you.
December 18, 2014 @ 8:13 am
I’m with Caroline and Nina: We love you and your writing. For what it’s worth, I’m glad Paul convinced you to send the boxes back. Now you can enjoy (and think about your kitchen or whatever is next on your List)!
BTW, a husband who can tell you ‘no’ to save you from yourself – if it’s an emergency – is a wonderful thing.
Merry Christmas
December 18, 2014 @ 10:56 am
Love the way you own it.
December 18, 2014 @ 12:52 pm
Last year I spent a gazillion dollars on decor & ornaments. I spent even more money AFTER Christmas on clearance stuff that was too good a price to pass up. I even gave up precious closet space indoors to store the expensive crap that was simply too nice to put in my garage storage. On thanksgiving I dutifully unpacked it all from storage and there it sits in my dining room. No tree, no decorations up, I actually still have Halloweeen pumpkin stuff out.– sort of stacked by the door. The thought of decorating just makes me TIRED! I’ve decided not to do it. I did however put a wreath on the door & a pic of last years tree on Facebook. Can’t have the neighbors & Internet ” friends” pointing & mocking.
December 18, 2014 @ 6:22 pm
I have so much going on in my life that is unrelated to house projects that it is all I can do to keep the house clean at this point. I still read your blog and enjoy it though. So, gotta say, I am so happy for you that you sent the items back. Here is one [more] gal sending you over the internet approval!!
December 18, 2014 @ 10:11 pm
Yeah, I can’t believe how disappointing this is. My Christmas is ruined. 🙂
I think all of the work that went into those pillow bows last year will soothe anyone wounded by the lack of a glittered Eiffel tower. There’s always next year…
December 19, 2014 @ 1:54 am
I am so NOT disappointed. In fact, I was a bit concerned about all those boxes and the pressure that they might put on your marriage. But your wonderful Paul convinced you to send them back because he was looking out for you. Because he decided to start the kitchen project.
What? Who does that? Starting a kitchen remodel during the holidays?
That’a new one to me. In all the years my hubby and I spent in the construction biz, we dreaded the holidays. Because the clients always had a drop dead date for their party or relatives visiting, and it all had to be perfect. We did our best, and had to laugh because it was so predictable. If there is a gltter troll, his relative has to be the remodel gremlin.
BTW, you have wonderful fans. Thanks for all the grins and giggles.
December 19, 2014 @ 5:54 am
Ok. Love you and please don’t go all I’m-done-with… I just couldn’t live without you. And my favorite of your stalkers Tammigirl. She has not responded and I am very concerned.
December 19, 2014 @ 11:49 am
Lowe’s sells a glitter Eiffel Tower.
December 20, 2014 @ 11:13 am
I am weeping tears of sympathy. The Holiday Rabies got me bad this year. I vowed not to deal with the mess of a tree this year, and immediately started getting itchy. The box of un-used ornaments was like a Christmas version of The Telltale Heart, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Spying my (GFT) floor-lamp in the corner, the Weird Idea lightbulb went off. The lamp is shaped like 4 grapevines intertwined, with the lights themselves being bunches of grapes (the shades are made of fat, green frosted-glass beads).
I wrapped strings of lights around it from top to bottom, stuck a bunch of red and silver glitter swags in it, and hung ornaments wherever they could find purchase. Then, I put a tree skirt around the base of the lamp, and stuck spruce-diffusers in it. Now there are gifts under the Christmas lamp. The rest of the ornaments were strung onto a single long piece of ribbon and hung from the ceiling in my dining room. Today, I am making a scented pinecone centerpiece for the coffee table. HELP ME.
December 20, 2014 @ 11:02 pm
A. The telltale heart. Brilliant!
B. I would pay money to see this “Tree Creation” does it resemble the illumination at the Mad Hatters Tea Party? Or will it be the creative hit of the Party? Or Both?
December 20, 2014 @ 5:04 pm
This is the year I am pretending to be Jewish. No tree, wreath, or festive vignettes at this house. The dozens of crates containing Christmas decorations are still carefully packed away. For the first time in eons I feel I am ahead of the game of life!
December 21, 2014 @ 9:57 am
Ya can’t buy minimalism on Craigslist.