When you assume your husband can help you sew DIY Christmas bows.
take the full holiday house tour here!
My original idea for how to make this bow was a simple piece of red ribbon… Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Ribbon– a product that you can buy at the store that you do not need to craft in your workshop of craftiness?
But since I’m me, I decided to make my own! So I could give the bow contrasting red stripes! Fun! Like a Christmas tuxedo! It’s harder this way!
If something will take me 57 times longer, but be 1% nicer, I am all for it.
Besides, why do something quickly that you can actually finish– if you have the option of getting involved in a project that will spiral out of control?
On top of my self-assigned task of winning Christmas, I was scheduled to have surgery… Nothing serious, but definitely inconvenient and I wanted to get this stuff done beforehand because I was not sure how much I would be able to use my arm.
So I casually mentioned to my mother that I was planning a few simple Christmas decorating projects… With total awareness that she would come over and help me keep my brain inside my head rather than exploding out all over the place.
Paul said he would help too, which surprised me in the best possible way… until later, when that surprise turned out to be warranted for different reasons.
I used duckcloth for the bows— it’s the same material I used for the pillow covers. It’s not exactly a fabric you think of for festive home decor, but I wanted the bows to feel comfortable and homey and not fussy.
And then, because I lied about not wanting it to be fussy, I used red satin for the trim.
The sashes I made are 4 yards long. (No, that is not a typo) and 6.5 inches wide. However, I only bought one yard of red satin. My (fatally flawed) plan was to cut three-inch-wide strips and sew them end-to-end until they were 4 yards long.
If you’re wondering why I did not just use red ribbon, that is an excellent question.
At the time, I thought the answer was because I found the perfect-color red fabric… But now, I can say for sure that the answer is because I am an idiot.
As I planned the Christmas assembly line, I assigned Paul the task of cutting the strips of red fabric. I figured he would be excellent at this because he is so precise. But I was wrong.
I was BEYOND wrong.
It turns out that Paul cuts fabric like a meth-addled chimpanzee: not straight.
I haven’ t had enough time to process this yet, so I cannot even take a stab at explaining it… If I didn’t know better, I might think he was not invested in the end product.
I’m sure you’ll think that I hacked at the fabric extra, to emphasize Paul’s “work,” but no. These are totally untouched. Exactly the way they were delivered to me.
When I said – Gaaahrrrgghh!
Paul said, with no remorse at all – well, it was my first time doing this.
Then he went and started making a snack.
Let me tell you, this is an excellent strategic move because it leaves the wronged-party with zero options. They cannot screech at you – what are you doing? are you making a snack? now is not the time for snacks!
What kind of crazy person would object to you eating when you are hungry?
Furthermore, I had to experience my outrage alone, because I have never once gotten my mother to see any flaw in Paul… in fact, I am pretty sure that he could light me on fire and then dance around fanning the flames and singing, and she would think he was trying to keep me warm.
So I had to wait to have my fabric-rage vindicated in print… I gritted my teeth and said – you will read about this on the blog. I am going to tell them everything.
Paul said – good. Be sure you lead with the part about 4 yards of fabric.
I said – guess what? They already know. And they think it’s fine.
At this point, faced with a pile of chewed-looking, unusable scrap, and the bafflement of how my husband could slaughter an entire yard of fabric without once stopping to think – this does not look like what Victoria is expecting.
The obvious choice was walking away.
But since my mom was there, instead of setting fire to this plague of Christmas decorating that I had brought upon myself, we went to get more fabric. To do it again.
It’s a Barnes specialty: perfect solutions, requiring only the small compromise of giving up your will to live.
When we got to the fabric store, they only had half a yard– rather than the full yard I needed. And I am not sure if it will surprise you that I did not like any of the other red fabric that they had.
I was standing numbly at the cutting counter, wondering why all the reds were so hideous, but also why I am so derailed and paralyzed by three degrees of too-much-orange-not-enough-blue. When my mother said – you know, we could sew together two of Paul’s unusable strips to make one usable strip… then the half-yard will be enough to do the other bow.
If this sounds sensible, allow me to translate: each sash for each bow is 4 yards long. If you need a piece of trim on either side, that is 8 yards of trim, per sash. If you have to sew two pieces of hacked-up trim together to form one useable piece, that is what? 16 yards of fabric. Which means sewing together 48 feet of fabric. For just one bow.
Writing this out makes me love my mom so much. But also – what is wrong with her?
When we got home with our new, half-yard of fabric, and our mutual agreement to continue steering directly into the iceberg, Paul said – did you get what you needed?
As though my mother and I simply enjoy touring local fabric stores, and this entire debacle had nothing to do with him.
Plus, since he had so convincingly persuaded me that he was incapable of assisting in the bow-making assembly-line, his services were no longer required and he was permitted to go and do something not-miserable.
But he didn’t.
Instead, he stood in the doorway and performed a stand-up routine about Christmas in North Korea. He started saluting me and calling me Supreme Leader and saying things like – who knew Kim Jong-il was so into Christmas decorating?
He also noted that I had given my mother the significantly-crummier-task of sewing together his meth-chimpanzee strips and had taken for myself, the new and unmolested fabric.
So he made my mom a badge to identify her as “The People’s Worker.”
Then he said – where is Elvis? I need to identify her as “The People’s Cat”
In case you think I’m kidding:
take the full holiday house tour!
index of all holiday posts.
how to make a perfect holiday bow
PS! I’m reading and LOVING A Little Love Story: A Novel… I randomly checked it out of the library, and it’s GOOD!
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December 18, 2013 @ 9:31 am
It looks fabulous!! I love it.
December 18, 2013 @ 2:13 pm
It was all worth it! It looks beautiful!
Maybe introduce Paul to a quilting fabric cutter, it would have been so easy! LOL
I can’t tell you how I squealed with laughter!
Merry Christmas!
December 18, 2013 @ 9:39 am
HAHAHAHAHA – typical male … do it all wrong so services won’t be required again. LOL – I have 3 sons & 1 husband, and ALL do that. LOVE LOVE LOVE the bows, BTW. Sewing was much quicker than painting red stripes on. I’m sure you’ll think of some worthy payback using the jagged red fabric.
December 18, 2013 @ 9:40 am
Obviously Paul needs a rotary cutter and cutting mat for Christmas. He is so lucky to have you! And the pillows are gorgeous, VERY Christmas-y. I did this with purchased ribbon, yours is infinitely classier.
December 18, 2013 @ 11:07 am
This I think would be absolutely side splitting funny Christmas morning to give Paul all sorts of home made instructional manuals and tools/implements for helping ” Great Leader” with projected projects. Or maybe not………. Maybe just some sort of Hernia belt …………hand sewn of course for the next great Kingdom mirror which we all know karma wise awaits you.
January 19, 2018 @ 4:54 pm
Oh, dear………not a rotary cutter for that man. Can you imagine the blood when he “checks” it to make sure its sharp? On the other hand, you wouldn’t have to buy as much fabric – I think blood-red would be just about the right shade.
December 18, 2013 @ 9:41 am
I am speechless, really. But, it appears that I might be the first to post, so I wanted to be the first, so I’m posting.
😀
December 18, 2013 @ 9:41 am
Ah, yes. Husbands. Even better helpers than cats.
December 18, 2013 @ 9:41 am
Ah man, I hesitated too long! Now, I’m not the first! 🙁
December 18, 2013 @ 9:45 am
Too funny! LOVE the gift-wrapped pillows! I’m glad someone besides me does things the hard way!
December 18, 2013 @ 9:48 am
1) I’ve decided that I’m going to comment on every post you write that makes me LOLC (laugh-out-loud-cry) . . . no pressure, but I expect that I’ll be posting every week.
2) The People’s Cat bow makes me giggle.
3) The People’s Worker badge has me wiping tears off my computer keyboard . . . with a mop!
4) I’m pretty sure that if we lived near each other, I’d be stalking you for best friend status!
oxox!
-b.
December 18, 2013 @ 9:53 am
Yes, your sofa is waaaaaaaaaaaaay more Christmassy than mine. In fact, mine still has the same pillows as the rest of the year. Something is clearly wrong here (with me). But, since I’m not a blogger and contractually obligated to have a nicer, cheerier, Christmassier house than everyone else, it’s okay.
Next year, and yes, we know you will be doing something equally nuts next year, do consider not trying to make your own fabric. Just ponder it briefly before plunging in again.
December 19, 2013 @ 1:26 am
Remember, she has not had kids yet!! You have to give her allowances, LOL!
December 18, 2013 @ 9:53 am
Yes, that technique has been used quite successfully by the men in my family. You just don’t get in the way of someone on a Christmas decorating “mission.” It’s all the holiday energy focused into a single point and it’s like a laser.
I do question the wisdom of putting yourself on the Naughty List right before Christmas. Rookie mistake.
December 18, 2013 @ 9:56 am
Oh my gosh. Laughing so hard. Bless the people’s worker.
December 18, 2013 @ 9:57 am
I love you. That is all.
(except that my son is convinced that you are me. Or I am you. Or something like that)
December 18, 2013 @ 10:04 am
Dear Supreme Leader, Your bows look amazing and you had me in stitches (get it? Ha. Fabric humor!). Merry Christmas!
December 18, 2013 @ 10:04 am
OMG I am so sharing this! Well first let me say “You have found my hubs long lost twin”!! But with all the looks I’m sure your shot his way, this Mother of a project has turned out really Uber Festive! I am in love with your Bows! Applause! Have a Wonderful Christmas.
December 18, 2013 @ 10:05 am
You crack me up! The part about your mother thinking Paul can do no wrong, girl, I can so relate to! Perfect post and I do love your pillows. I laughed so hard that my husband asked if I were laughing at him which made me laugh even harder.
December 18, 2013 @ 10:07 am
I barely survived this post.
And STILL I haven’t mentioned my word garlands in the dining room. Washi tape is the DEVIL.
December 18, 2013 @ 10:08 am
I still want to know your reasons for hating Ted talks.
December 18, 2013 @ 10:09 am
Seriously, there are few writers who can make me cry with laughter. You are one of them. Paul, observing and doing stand up from the door. As if all is right in his world and you are the crazy. When crazy has ensued because of his blatant fabric chopping fail. To make certain that he won’t be asked to help on said project any further. There, I’ll show her how inept I am. Oh my, Victoria. You are beyond entertaining!
December 18, 2013 @ 10:09 am
My dear, the bows are beyond fabulous. I am absolutely in love with them. Also, it pleases me to no end to know that someone else’s brain works the way mine does.
Additionally, I’ve decided: you need a biscuit. Move on to baking crafts before you shrink too much and disappear altogether. 😉 Merry Christmas and congratulations on your (basically confirmed) forthcoming triumph of the holiday!
December 18, 2013 @ 10:10 am
Alas, I, too have a ‘Paul’, but I call mine Jeff. After 40 years, I know, without a doubt, that he is physically/mentally incapable of what he calls ‘fiddly stuff’. Even the kids know he has no capabilities to do the ‘fiddly stuff'( I was the Lego builder, stuff-put-togtherer)! Those ribbon strips woulda looked awesome to my husband, and he woulda clapped Paul on the back for a job well done. I digress-the bows are freakin’ amazing….