The Glitter Troll is disappointed.
After I hit publish on last week’s post, I had to go participate in real life.
By the time I got back here, I realized that what I thought was a post about the way you can get carried away on the internet in the middle of the night, could also be interpreted as: hooray! I ordered a glitter canon!
By the next morning, I was really panicking… I had so many comments speculating on the extravaganza I was sure to reveal— expecting the rebirth of Liberace and Louis XIV hopped up on speedballs of glitter and hot glue and way more trips to the craft store.
The logical thing would have been to jump right in and try to do damage control. But that is not how I operate… I cannot determine between crisis and normal everyday event. So I just respond to everything as if it’s a crisis, JUST INCASE.
And last Wednesday, the crisis was that I sent all those boxes back.
The only thing I kept was gold craft paint.
Before you boo me as a traitor to the cause of glitter and excess, let me assure you that I realize I have made a terrible mistake.
Let me also blame Paul… He is the reason I sent it all back.
I have since rejected his false prophecy of holiday rabies being optional or unnecessary. But at the time, he was very persuasive.
Particularly after I explained to him the Sisyphean-cutting-of-cardboard-into-whimsical-but-highly-specific-self-imposed-straitjacket-garland, and how I would need him to set up the saw to cut complementary plywood shapes.
Paul said— which saw?
My hair was standing on end and I was surrounded by 37 boxes of crap… so I thought that should have been obvious.
I said— ALL OF THE SAWS!
My ideas were preposterous… time-consuming… on par with DIY-ing your own full-scale Eiffel Tower out of popsicle sticks and string: pointless, but of interest to the neighbors.
But the more comments I got, the more I panicked.
I thought about re-ordering all of it.
I panicked more at the idea of welcoming ALL OF THE CRAP BACK… spending day and night for the next week doing nothing but slaving away— driven by pure demonic rage at myself and self’s idiocy in these categories:
Why did I listen to Paul?
How could I have so seriously misjudged my responsibilities?
When will I stop making such glaring, hideous errors of judgment?
My anxiety ramped up and up. To the heavens. To infinity.
I felt like screaming— I’ve ruined Christmas! And then running out into the night and sacrificing myself to the gods of regret by lying down in the street and hoping that someone would run me over.
But I couldn’t go out into the street and wait for someone to run me over until I had emptied all of the dishes out of the kitchen cupboards so that Paul can start dismantling stuff and also so that we can begin storing all of the kitchen stuff in the dining room, and not be able to find anything, which Paul insists on doing now instead of after Christmas when it might be slightly less stressful and chaotic.
As we were going back and forth between the dining room and kitchen, Paul said to me– I read some of the blog-comments you were talking about!
**editor’s note: please read slowly to fully absorb every word**
Then he said, AND I QUOTE:
You had better have something REALLY good, otherwise PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED.
I just stared at him.
Then I stared at him some more.
Then I stared at him with extra silence— to give him time to absorb the way his language failed to encompass the important turning point that had happened four days before when he CONVINCED ME TO SEND IT ALL BACK.
Then I said – you live here. Do YOU see anything spectacular happening?
Do YOU see the Christmas Eiffel Tower nearing completion?
No, ofcourse NOT.
BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO SEND MY SUPPLIES BACK.
Now, some particulars:
1. I got the magnolia leaf garland at an estate sale. I’m not sure if I love it, but why pass up buying extra crap you do not need if the crap can be had for a good price?
2. All I used was gold latex craft paint… despite TRYING to overcomplicate it.
The letter M started to get a little lumpy, because I could not leave well enough alone… I kept mixing in shiny things and adding layers of OTHER gold things. Because, SURELY I could improve on something I was already totally satisfied with. Why stop?
Obviously I tried adding glitter. And I don’t know how to tell you this – but I did not even like it. I do not know what is going on here. What could be next? Minimalism?
December 17, 2014 @ 12:00 pm
Alrighty now! You should get off your butt and get busy, no, no excuses! This is ridiculous, you knew Christmas was coming all year. Don’t expect me to feel sorry for you! Now you have made it impossible to enjoy the season and I have NO inspiration to do my decorating. Do you know the disappointment you have caused? Bah humbug. You know as a blogger you DO have the responsibility to be out of this world amazing.
I hope you and Paul have a wonderful Christmas. Looking forward to the new year and more shenanigans from your house to mine.
December 17, 2014 @ 12:04 pm
I love the writing on the mirror. I’m happy you’ll have your sanity this holiday season and your fans will get over it. There’s enough DIY ideas out there to keep us all busy between now and next Christmas!
Karen
December 17, 2014 @ 12:13 pm
Hi Victoria, your decorating ideas are terriffic, but, I come because you make me laugh– great big belly laughs! The red ribbon debaucle with Paul is what hooked me. I laughed and laughed and it felt good. My husband thought I’d lost it. I look forward to your comments and inspiring decorating ideas. Keep them coming.
December 17, 2014 @ 12:14 pm
“…why pass up buying extra crap you do not need if the crap can be had for a good price?” Another gem!!
December 17, 2014 @ 12:21 pm
How am I supposed to chose which of your posts this year is THE best one if you keep writing THE best one every single time you sit down to the keyboard?! Add me to the number of readers who MUST drop everything to read the moment a new post hits in the inbox. You, M’Lady, are my heroine!
(Btw, last year THE best one was the one where you wrote ‘2014?! But I’m not finished with 2013 yet!’ I’m probably paraphrasing but that one was SOOOOOO good I wanted to embroider it on a tee-shirt or cushion cover, or crochet it into a filet piece to hang on the wall. I’m still thinking about that one. So’s ya know.)
Happy Christmas, Victoria Elizabeth Barnes, from NE Scotland:)
December 17, 2014 @ 12:22 pm
Heh. ‘Choose’, I meant ‘choose’!
December 17, 2014 @ 12:22 pm
Was there NOTHING that Elvis could do?
December 17, 2014 @ 12:23 pm
You gave us the best post ever! You are starting the kitchen! That is way better than a glitter cannon.
Merry Christmas to you and Paul. Thanks for being such a happy spot in my day.
December 17, 2014 @ 12:33 pm
I was reaqlly looking forward to the afforementioned glitter cannon, but truly I don’t visit your blog for your crafts- I visit for your wit.
Love you, always. Merry Christmas!
December 17, 2014 @ 12:34 pm
I haven’t read many of the other comments to this post, but…it sounds like you’re finally going to do the kitchen. YESSSS!!! That’s what I’ve been waiting for! Have a Merry! My reno might be done in January!
December 17, 2014 @ 12:48 pm
I love everything about your writing. More than a galaxy of shiny intricate exotic interesting treasures. The buy the magnolia garland theory had me laughing out loud. (Also pretty much my way of life) keep on & Merry Christmas !
December 17, 2014 @ 1:10 pm
as an insomniac I have sometimes hammered the internet at night – all those cute little thingies at bargain prices and those lovely boxes being delivered. Half of it I gave to a local charity, the rest is bursting out of cupboards waiting for that same creative urge to revisit.
But I still need to know what was in the boxes you so sensibly sent back. mwhhahahah
December 17, 2014 @ 1:46 pm
Not disappointed at all, in fact the previous post left me just a smidge depressed . I love Christmas and usually like to do way too much~ 5 trees last year~but this year a 5-6 week renovation turned into a now going on 4 month nightmare~ so the only thing on my mantel are sheet rock dust and hand tools we are still using.
Then in the middle of our dusty reno my only brother in law had non-alcoholic liver failure…he was so ill he needed a new liver transplant. Hospital visits replaced shopping and decorating.
But when I saw the boxes in the last post, for a second I grieved for the Christmas I knew we would not have and the lights that would not brighten our homes this year….but then he got a gift, a new liver and although it has been a bit rough, our family is filled with joy, in fact we received have so many gifts already ~most of them the kind that can’t be wrapped and placed under a tree~in fact he will be home for Christmas 🙂 that I feel both my sister’s house and mine will glow just as much this Christmas as if the glitter troll had taken up hibernating here.
Merry Christmas and thank you for keeping it real 🙂
December 17, 2014 @ 2:27 pm
DO NOT WORRY. Paul is handsome but wrong. He is possibly worth keeping anyway because he has all those saws and knows how to operate them. Or you could keep the saws and go to night classes to learn how to operate them. The mirror is lovely and so are the pillows. Which I may copy. The other possibility to consider is that you could get lots more cats to take the space Paul used to occupy. I myself have eleven dogs.
December 24, 2014 @ 6:54 am
LOL!!!!!!!!
December 17, 2014 @ 3:59 pm
Well, I have to say that Paul cannot blame me for any ramped-up expectations! My comment to your previous post was essentially: “whatever you decide to do will be lovely.” No demands, just an appreciation for all things Victoria Elizabeth Barnes. Oh, and I knew that “Merry and Bright” was from this year, because I was one of the ones who read last year’s as “Goy.” 😉
December 17, 2014 @ 4:27 pm
You are great- why are you living in my head?! I too had such GRAND plans for Christmas this year but my stupid job takes 8 hours from every day. Most unfair!
Whatever you do it will be great!
I loved your how to make a bow video- you are even more awesome “in person”!
December 17, 2014 @ 4:31 pm
Ha! Parallel worlds that we live in. Minimal decorating here too this year because we actually have been in a kitchen (and beyond, because why limit the chaos to just one room???) remodel since May. The sheetrock dust does resemble snow if you use your imagination… I actually sent my husband today to return a bunch of stuff from IKEA and Home Depot for the project(s). What a feeling to actually admit I made a mistake and send this stuff back. Amazing that #1 I was able to locate the receipts and #2 that the last date to return it hadn’t passed by. I love reading your posts – it’s fabulous knowing that there’s someone else on the planet with a similar outlook on life (and fancy things, LOL!) Merry Christmas!
December 17, 2014 @ 4:51 pm
Dear, dear Victoria, you are a treasure, and your thought process is glitter enough no matter how much or little you decorate. Christmas is hard, please take deep breaths and try not to fret about disappointing your readers. What they (we) actually love is your mind, your wit, your spirit, and having this chance to share your singular journey. All is well. Happy holidays!
December 17, 2014 @ 4:57 pm
I come for the madness and cackling that your posts engender. If you occasionally draw back from the precipice to a slightly less intimidating level of awesomeness I’m ok with that because if I’m honest sometimes I fear the levels of stress you place on yourself and the thought that you may explode from it and never blog again is dreadful.
I mean your basic awesome level is already so far beyond most people’s level of possiblity it’s ok to have a human moment.
Merry Christmas
December 17, 2014 @ 4:59 pm
Reminds me of the tiny little man cave project my husband started in the basement in Oct which should have taken NO TIME AT ALL, in my humble opinion. Next thing I know, we have drifts of sheetrock dust getting sucked into the furnace and blown out on all three floors and it’s almost Christmas. And we’re having thirteen people over for Christmas dinner (not just dinner but a Victorian fantasy of a dinner with prime rib and stuffed mushrooms and twice baked potatoes and chocolate cherry torte with chocolate ganache and decorated with chocolate dipped cherries … yeah, I was a little tiny bit crazy back then). On December 23, carpets are laid in the man cave which meant we (hubs and me) could now clean every single horizontal surface in the house starting with the top floor and dusting, scrubbing and vaccumming our way downstairs.
I was weeping with exhaustion by the time people finally left on Christmas day. I think you’d understand.
And I never did anything like this again … until (but that’s another story).
December 17, 2014 @ 5:47 pm
Victoria,
Life is too short! Enjoy the holidays with Paul, treasure your time together and have less stuff to put away when the new year hits.