The Glitter Troll is disappointed.
After I hit publish on last week’s post, I had to go participate in real life.
By the time I got back here, I realized that what I thought was a post about the way you can get carried away on the internet in the middle of the night, could also be interpreted as: hooray! I ordered a glitter canon!
By the next morning, I was really panicking… I had so many comments speculating on the extravaganza I was sure to reveal— expecting the rebirth of Liberace and Louis XIV hopped up on speedballs of glitter and hot glue and way more trips to the craft store.
The logical thing would have been to jump right in and try to do damage control. But that is not how I operate… I cannot determine between crisis and normal everyday event. So I just respond to everything as if it’s a crisis, JUST INCASE.
And last Wednesday, the crisis was that I sent all those boxes back.
The only thing I kept was gold craft paint.
Before you boo me as a traitor to the cause of glitter and excess, let me assure you that I realize I have made a terrible mistake.
Let me also blame Paul… He is the reason I sent it all back.
I have since rejected his false prophecy of holiday rabies being optional or unnecessary. But at the time, he was very persuasive.
Particularly after I explained to him the Sisyphean-cutting-of-cardboard-into-whimsical-but-highly-specific-self-imposed-straitjacket-garland, and how I would need him to set up the saw to cut complementary plywood shapes.
Paul said— which saw?
My hair was standing on end and I was surrounded by 37 boxes of crap… so I thought that should have been obvious.
I said— ALL OF THE SAWS!
My ideas were preposterous… time-consuming… on par with DIY-ing your own full-scale Eiffel Tower out of popsicle sticks and string: pointless, but of interest to the neighbors.
But the more comments I got, the more I panicked.
I thought about re-ordering all of it.
I panicked more at the idea of welcoming ALL OF THE CRAP BACK… spending day and night for the next week doing nothing but slaving away— driven by pure demonic rage at myself and self’s idiocy in these categories:
Why did I listen to Paul?
How could I have so seriously misjudged my responsibilities?
When will I stop making such glaring, hideous errors of judgment?
My anxiety ramped up and up. To the heavens. To infinity.
I felt like screaming— I’ve ruined Christmas! And then running out into the night and sacrificing myself to the gods of regret by lying down in the street and hoping that someone would run me over.
But I couldn’t go out into the street and wait for someone to run me over until I had emptied all of the dishes out of the kitchen cupboards so that Paul can start dismantling stuff and also so that we can begin storing all of the kitchen stuff in the dining room, and not be able to find anything, which Paul insists on doing now instead of after Christmas when it might be slightly less stressful and chaotic.
As we were going back and forth between the dining room and kitchen, Paul said to me– I read some of the blog-comments you were talking about!
**editor’s note: please read slowly to fully absorb every word**
Then he said, AND I QUOTE:
You had better have something REALLY good, otherwise PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE SO DISAPPOINTED.
I just stared at him.
Then I stared at him some more.
Then I stared at him with extra silence— to give him time to absorb the way his language failed to encompass the important turning point that had happened four days before when he CONVINCED ME TO SEND IT ALL BACK.
Then I said – you live here. Do YOU see anything spectacular happening?
Do YOU see the Christmas Eiffel Tower nearing completion?
No, ofcourse NOT.
BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO SEND MY SUPPLIES BACK.
Now, some particulars:
1. I got the magnolia leaf garland at an estate sale. I’m not sure if I love it, but why pass up buying extra crap you do not need if the crap can be had for a good price?
2. All I used was gold latex craft paint… despite TRYING to overcomplicate it.
The letter M started to get a little lumpy, because I could not leave well enough alone… I kept mixing in shiny things and adding layers of OTHER gold things. Because, SURELY I could improve on something I was already totally satisfied with. Why stop?
Obviously I tried adding glitter. And I don’t know how to tell you this – but I did not even like it. I do not know what is going on here. What could be next? Minimalism?
December 17, 2014 @ 10:55 am
Oh you dear, dear woman…..I am still lusting after your giant disco balls from way back when, so don’t worry that we will be disappointed. We are NEVER disappointed when we have a post from you. We are EXCITED to see what Craigslist find/yard sale gem/kitchen genius idea/ crafty plan you and Paul have come up with next. Our glitter fairy lives at your house so that we don’t have to entertain him/her/it every hour of every day. Take heart – we love every idea, every failure, every success right along with you.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:58 am
Seriously Victoria! Reading your post today has saved my sanity. For the first time (in 56 years) I have NOT decorated to excess for the holidays. A dear friend of mine is terminally ill and I just can’t seem to find the normal holiday spirit as I am gathering all my courage and energy to help her on this final journey. Are my family members and friends disappointed that I won’t be hosting the annual overly-excessive festivities this year? Probably. Am I concerned about how they feel right now? Not really. This year I will concentrate on celebrating the life and love of my friend and hope that the glitter troll will make an appearance next year if I can find the holiday spirit again.
December 17, 2014 @ 12:36 pm
Bless you Nancy for keeping priorities straight. I’m so sorry you are losing someone so special to you. Enjoy these moments and memories.
December 17, 2014 @ 2:33 pm
sending you hugs… from me, Elvis, and the Glitter Troll.
xoxoxo
December 18, 2014 @ 2:37 am
Nancy, you have your priorities just right. I’m so sorry about your friend.
December 17, 2014 @ 10:59 am
Not only do you reorder it all, but now, just for the extra trouble, you order the more expensive options of the same crap. That’ll show him!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:00 am
Those huge gilded mirrors are enough fanciness for an entire decade! I don’t think you need to decorate anything for years to come! And this post WAS spectacular, as they all are, just because of your writing and personality and the ever-patient Paul in the background, always interjecting with his reasonable thoughts. Why are husbands so darn reasonable ALL THE TIME? It’s the height of aggravation.
December 17, 2014 @ 11:01 am
Yours is the ONLY blog that I subscribe to. And you make me laugh with every darn post. Out loud! But, no pressure!
You and Paul have a beautiful holiday, Victoria! Oxox!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:07 am
I actually love that garland. It looks so Greek. So if these photos are from last year…what did you actually do this year? I want to see the house decorated however grand or small. 🙂
December 17, 2014 @ 2:35 pm
the photos are current, but I made the mistake of captioning them with a link to last year’s mirror, which made sense at the time, but now I see was confusing!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:09 am
I read you because you write out my inner voice perfectly! Loud, extremely irrational, and obnoxious. If you only wrote the arguments you have with yourself my day would be complete. I need no pictures.
Also, I’d give you a hug and a soothing, ‘Shhhhhhh’ if that would help.
P.S. I strive toward minimalism so I have fewer aneurysms. Instead of ‘DECORATE ALL THE THINGS!’ its more like ‘THROW OUT ALL THE THINGS!!’
December 17, 2014 @ 11:14 am
Oh thank GAWD….first of all, ALL those quilts. Folded-ohsooonice-tiny towels on top…what the HELL???? Second, like- glitter?….thought I was at mustard seed!!!! No, Victoria Elizabeth Barnes….nevereverever let that happen….I personally enjoy AND look oh so forward to the Christmas photo of YOU and your BROTHERs…..so please. Please .PLEASE….don’t screw that up!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:16 am
oh, to see into your mind…. LOL
You have such a gift for writing. Please continue.
December 17, 2014 @ 11:19 am
Loved the post.
The mirror looks great.
The cat must think it is fabulous too because the cat is in EVERY SINGLE PICTURE !
Loved that.
Thanks.
P.S. I hope the cat has a glitter collar.
December 17, 2014 @ 11:28 am
i do thank you for identifying the existence of the glitter troll. She shows up in my life EVERY DAY! Sometimes she demands I buy more gifts, sometimes it’s a You can DIY that and it will be SO MUCH BETTER than what you could buy for 1/4 the price, currently she demanded MORE Glimmer Strings from Pier 1 to go along with the ones I still haven’t hung up.
December 17, 2014 @ 11:31 am
Don’t know what to add. So enjoyed your post You crack me up.
Hysterical life you have. Enjoy Christmas however it is decorated
December 17, 2014 @ 11:37 am
Wonderful, wonderful. I, too, have had the experience of a husband’s reaction. Usually it starts with “What have you done now”, right? I also have two large ornate mirrors that blew his mind completely. Now as retirees with two homes we are downsizing, OMG-now that is really hard. So I gave away most of our furniture in one state to family, etc. and then he thinks maybe we should wait for the market to change. He doesn’t realize he’s created another new monster of RENEWAL! Now I have to figure out how to redo a home, oh boy!
December 17, 2014 @ 2:38 pm
Lucky!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:42 am
I am inflicked with the same compulsive disorder. But hey, we get things done right? And WELL AHEAD OF TIME, right! Nothing…. NOTHING, goes undone… As we speak, I have planned dinner for CHRISTMAS, bought the food and am mentally preparing for decoration takedown organization. I love your blog. We are on the same page…
Thank you for sharing… You are talented, creative and witty.
December 17, 2014 @ 11:42 am
Darling, darling girl! Shhhhh, it’s alright, it’s alright!
It’s time to give Paul his annual gift: “You were right, dear.”
You could never disappoint us. Thank you for not setting the bar higher for yourself, for us your readers, for women everywhere. Relax. Enjoy the holidays. Laugh. Sleep late. Above all, go dancing!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:43 am
P.S. I wish there was a Like/Thumbs up button for comments! My tribe!!! Love you all!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:50 am
I’m confused. The pictures are from last year. You sent the glitter boxes back. Are you doing ANYTHING for this year? Knowing you I can’t believe you’re going to leave it blank. But are you? Are you going to re-do your last year’s decorations? (Why not, they were fab) But just to clarify.
December 17, 2014 @ 2:29 pm
the pictures are from this year… I flubbed by captioning it with a link to last year’s mirror… I thought that made sense, but now from another perspective, I can see how that’s confusing!!
December 17, 2014 @ 11:56 am
Everyone is posting in relentless support. Everyone loves you so much that they want to be you. I , for one, am disappointed. You had me a a hint of a glitter cannon and you ended up painting words on a mirror? Did you really need a grid laid out? You even wing it with a plan. I catch myself being mad at you for all of your finds and aspirations. Mad at you for Paul and his willingness to satisfy your creative urges and lust for cool junk. Mad at you for your name- it’s so Victorian house and big mirror (my own seems like a potato farmer tossed it around with his mariner friend in the docks.) I don’t even like the way you yard sale. I can tell that you’d beat me out of the best stuff by your sheer energy and romp while keaving me with a naked Barbie collection that have all been given haircuts by a sadistic 8 year old. Shame on you, VEB…. Shame. 🙂
December 17, 2014 @ 2:40 pm
AHAHAHAHAHA! Gotta love those sassy fans! #family
December 17, 2014 @ 11:59 am
Here’s a little story. Every year I set out to make 12 different kinds of Christmas cookies/candies. I did it ONE year and it was a magnificent monstrosity of butter and sugar. I received accolades from far and wide. My kitchen was a disaster, but LOOK! I made fudge! It was the embodiment of Christmas Joy.
You get the idea. I set a bar so high that I would never be able to attain it. I never took into account silly things like REAL LIFE. It never occurred to me there might be illness, another pregnancy, a toddler running around, a Decmber vacation, etc. to throw it all off.
Every year now I think people expect this of me because I expect it from me. I took an embarrassingly small cookie assortment to a party last weekend. There were only 3 kinds! No one said anything. The world didn’t end. Sigh…in other words, I understand, Victoria. It’s ok. Paul was wrong. We are not disappointed. I’m actually grateful because I might have ended up with Amazon boxes on my own stoop in an effort to mimic your greatness. Then my husband wouldn’t be speaking to me . So thanks, you did me a favor. Merry Christmas!
December 17, 2014 @ 12:00 pm
WHAT??? No glitter cannon? My sparkle fairy just dissolved into tears. She was counting on that to renew my decorating spirit this year, which seems to have fallen a bit flat. My trees are up and fabulous; but the mantel and stair banisters are bare, and only two door wreaths will have to suffice as well. Could it be that a decorating Grinch of sorts has invaded our home? Well, not to worry. We will save up for extra glitter and sparkle next year and all will be back to normal. Sometimes sanity must intervene to keep us from going completely off the glitter rails.
LOVE, and always look forward to your blog Victoria. Never change. You are me and sometimes we just need a break from the madcap fast pace to sit back and enjoy what we have. My “Paul” (Frank) was glad I took the simple approach this year as well, as it meant much less work for him. I told him to save his strength for next year…