Let’s end the year with some rusty auction fanciness!
Take the full holiday house tour
A while ago, I wrote a post titled The Auction Olympics; about a day I drove back-and-forth between two separate auction houses, each running multiple auctions, all with totally unpredictable and variable timetables.
Since then, I have embraced the absentee bid.
Not only did my ten-hour bidding-marathon eradicate the thrill-of-the-unknown-with-a-whiff-of-danger-in-the-form-of-possible-bankruptcy-and-divorce, it also forced me to acknowledge that I am someone who cannot be trusted in an adrenaline-fueled state.
Theoretically, I should have already known about the adrenaline issue— seeing as how I once nearly paid $1,200 for a pair of antique garden urns in a spur-of-the-moment-madness based on the thought process: if I do not get these, I will die… Which has yet to be borne out in any kind of evidence-based investigation, and is more accurately: these are probably crap I can live without.
While writing this post, I reflected on the process of how I so merrily agreed to pay nearly $1,200 for garden trinkets… and I have to say – there is confusion. And it is FAST confusion.
You go from $100 to $1,200 in under a minute… Your brain can hardly keep up, so you are really operating on instinct. And apparently my instinct is towards bankruptcy.
Know thyself!
So I am now a fan of leaving a bid on your item and hoping for the best.
On the other hand, as I learned last weekend– if you cannot be bothered to show up and supervise your stuff, it might disappear… there were three urns, and one just wandered off.
I don’t even have a photo of it, although you can kind of see it in the background of the photo above– it’s the short one with no base or bowl.
Even though it was missing nearly all of its pieces, I still wanted it, because I like things that are broken and crappy.
I left a bid on Sunday afternoon, for the auction on Monday.
My top bid was $60/each for the big urns, (which would have come to $75 including tax and buyer’s fee) and $20 for the little one.
I figured that if I won, I was definitely going to be paying my top bid because whenever I write a post about auctions, people warn me of unscrupulous practices and price-jacking… which I’m not really sure how to avoid— I mean, if you want something and you’ve set a decent price for yourself, is there anything else you can do?
Monday night when I got home, I called the auction house and they told me I won the urns for TWENTY DOLLARS A PIECE.
Even with the plague-of-locusts-that-is-the-buyer’s-fee-and-tax, they only came to $25, and that is a ridiculously good deal.
I headed directly out into rush hour… it was dark. And raining. And when I got to the auction house, I went inside to pay, before heading out to the dock area to load them up.
The woman behind the counter said – are you sure they are still out there?
And I was like – um, no?
She said – well, they steal things, you know.
I am not quite sure who they are… Or why, if you know about them… something is not being done?
But after I went out back to the dock area, I could see how rampant pillaging and theft would be possible… no one was supervising anything.
I looked around to see if there was anything I myself might like to steal… but, I guess they beat me to all the good stuff. There was nothing left but a mauve toilet seat and a velvet reproduction of The Last Supper.
Then I started hunting for my urns and shaking my fist and saying things like— so help me… if someone stole my urns!
The two big ones were under a tarp by the auctioneer stand… but the little one was gone.
Because there were three urns, and they stole the one I wanted least, I am satisfied with the trade-off of not having spent an entire day watching boxes of toilet seats being auctioned off.
If they stole one of the big ones, I’m not sure… maybe I would wish to have been witness to toilet auctioning.
Now is the part of the post where there must be accountability for what I have acquired.
In my world:
1. these are mine now.
2. the end.
But not everyone thinks that is a good ending. And I know that people will ask me –what are you going to do with them? Are you going to paint them? Is Paul going to replicate the base-booster that is missing on the white one? Where are you going to put them?
Then I end up feeling like I have done my post wrong – or even that I am doing life wrong… because my ability to plan and predict ends abruptly the moment anything enters my house.
I actually really like the white one just the way it is… I have LONG wanted one exactly like this, in exactly this condition, in exactly this size, to keep inside the house… I’d like to grow moss in it, but my success rate in the past with moss is negative zero. So I’m imagining it filled with possibly-also-ridiculous-bulbs-forced-in-February.
However I do not love the silver paint color… and if we paint that one, (probably black to match my other one) then it makes sense to paint them both to have a matched pair…and then, it will not be the rustic/broken/fanciness I was envisioning.
These are problems I am comfortable having.
I’m going to sign off for the year now; my brothers are home, and we have some regressing to do… MOM! CAN YOU MAKE MORE PECAN TARTLETS?? HOW LONG UNTIL THEY’RE READY?
But first:
Every single week, your comments are the best part of my blog… you are clever, insightful, and entertaining. The way you use language makes me happy, and when I read your comments I am aware that I am the luckiest blogger on the internet.
I treasure you and am deeply thankful for your existence.
From the bottom of my greedy, GFT-loving heart.
xoxoxoxo
VEB
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Solstice,
Happy New Year, Merry Boxing Day, Happy Kwanzaa…
•••
Whatever holidays you celebrate,
I hope you get to spend them with the people you love.
December 21, 2015 @ 3:40 pm
Hi Victoria:
Your blog and adventures in finding GFTs and The Thing on Craigslist and auctions has brought joy to so many of us. I smile the moment a notice shows up in my Inbox because I know that good times had by all is on the horizon; for you see, I live vicariously through your acquisitions. Thank you for sharing your irreverance, Paul The Saint, and The Ever-Elegant Elvis with us. You will always be The Envy Of All.
Love the urns; sorry one was pilfered from you. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
December 21, 2015 @ 4:15 pm
New subscriber here. I am pretty sure I am not clever but I love your blog! I so look forward to seeing your name amongst the detritus of my email. It makes my day to read about your adventures! I agree with one of the other comments – you have a career waiting for you as a stand up comedienne! All the best to you for the holidays! Shireen
December 21, 2015 @ 4:23 pm
Please don’t ever finish your home – getting your email every Tuesday morning ( in Australia) makes my day and I love every word. I love your writing style and I tell all my friends to read your blog. Merry Christmas to you and Paul and especially Elvis (how you got her to wear a Santa hat is beyond me – my Calico would never have allowed it!).
December 21, 2015 @ 5:23 pm
Before, I was just searching for Kingdom mirrors and I now I have to find an urn just. like. that. for my little Christmas tree…don’t think I’ll be lucky enough to get it for $20 though. What a deal! Doesn’t it make you love it even more when you don’t pay a fortune for it? I feel your pain, Victoria. I have a love for anything salvage….salvaged doors, windows, stained glass windows, corbels, someone rips something out from an old colonial/victorian and I want it. Now you’ve made me want gigantic mirrors and rusted urns. When my husband gets mad I’m definitely going to blame it on you 🙂 Merry Christmas!
December 21, 2015 @ 6:04 pm
I am new to your blog, ,Victoria, but I am so glad I found you. You have a way with words that is so fun and entertaining, and I look forward to future postings. That being said, I can’t believe they wouldn’t put your wonderful finds somewhere safe until they are picked up. However, I haven’t been to many auctions so don’t have the faintest clue how they work. Keep up the hunt for GFTs. There is nothing better than finding something you can’t live without, but really don’t need (except that you have to have it so no one else gets it)!
December 21, 2015 @ 7:06 pm
I was looking at “antique” listings on a local web site and saw a piano….I actually considered “kitchen island”….But that is your madness….I have to find my own. You are so amusing and clever! Three cheers to that!!!
December 21, 2015 @ 10:04 pm
Auction advice: Know thy auctioneer and his/her company. Period. Yes, there are shady people in the auction business, with shill bidders and fake absentee bids and all sorts of auction malfeasance — start asking everyone you know, at every consignment shop, antique mall, etc., about the auction companies in your area. They will know the good guys, and those are the people you can trust. The shoulder shrug the woman at the auction house gave you about the stolen stuff was totally unacceptable and unprofessional. They are totally responsible for absentee bids, and once you’ve won they are totally responsible for the safety of the merchandise you’ve won. But enough lecture. Auctions should be fun, even if you make your living buying and selling stuff, and the truth is that it’s just someone’s old cr–p that no one in the family wanted. You will see it again. I promise. (Unless you’re bidding on fine art at Sotheby’s.)
I have enjoyed following your escapades this year, and am solidly envious of your ability to string together word phrases (and spell the word “borne” properly). Thank you for that, and happy holidays!
December 21, 2015 @ 10:18 pm
Thanks for a great post and a great blog ! Merry Christmas!
December 21, 2015 @ 11:57 pm
You are fabulous. Don’t change a thing.
Looking forward to more VEB in the new year!
December 22, 2015 @ 7:59 am
Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit. Now I have to start at the very beginning of your blog. I have cookies to make, gifts to wrap, cleaning to finish before Christmas on Friday. Oh. And I have a job. I need to do that, too. But I NEED TO SEE ALL OF THE GIANT FANCY THINGS! Before Friday. Or I may die.
I discovered you on Pinterest yesterday touting your bow making skills. Though why I was looking at how to make bows when I have a PhD in bow-making is beyond me. But it’s Pinterest. So you understand.
December 22, 2015 @ 9:16 am
“…my ability to plan and predict ends abruptly the moment anything enters my house.” You have looked into my life and NAILED IT. The struggle is real. Merry Everything to you and thanks for sharing your Lucille Ball antics with us on the regular.
December 22, 2015 @ 10:13 am
I LOVE them! Have been looking for these myself. Am green with envy, which I always manage to be where your GFTs are concerned. Merry Christmas Victoria! May your stocking be filled with ideas, inspiration, and more Giant Fancy Things in the new year!
God bless…
Diana
December 22, 2015 @ 10:40 am
Hi Victoria – sorry to hear about your urn 🙁 that’s not very good – I think I would have asked for my money back on that one 🙂 Anyway, I hope you and your family have a great Xmas and I wish you all Very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year. Thank you for being ‘you’ 🙂 xx
December 22, 2015 @ 3:49 pm
Happy Christmas and a jolly one ♥
December 22, 2015 @ 6:46 pm
You made my day !!
December 25, 2015 @ 7:20 pm
NOOOOOOO!!!!! Don’t paint it black..!! If you have to paint either of them PLEEEEAAASSSEE paint the silver one to match the white one..!! Wishing you, Pa, Elvis and all of your family the merriest of Christmases and I look forward to reading further of your antics in the coming year.. I LOVE YOUR PAGE..!! Keep up the good work 🙂
December 26, 2015 @ 11:50 am
Wishing you a wonderful holiday season and many cuddles with Elvis 🙂
January 2, 2016 @ 12:30 am
Just found your blog today, I have totally spent most of the day reading and laughing. We are remodeling our whole house and my husband thought I was the only wife who micro manages and agonizes over tile etc. Thanks for reminding us of the ridiculousness and fun that is the reno lifestyle.
January 6, 2016 @ 8:17 am
Am terribly late posting reply. But. Gorgeous urns! I think the universe knew they should belong to you. Also? Is it possible to paint the silver one to be a similarly chippy white? Know you don’t like to faux-retro things, but perhaps legit in order to match first chippy white one. And even if some of the silver showed through it could look good. Then the silver one would be painted but you wouldn’t have to paint perfect chippy white one, and they could look matched in a quaint and quirky way….maybe?
Merry Christmas and I wish a happiest of new years to you and Paul and Elvis.
January 10, 2016 @ 8:15 pm
Thanks for making me smile! I love reading about your junking escapades.