An auction tragedy – a tale of woe and antique garden urns.
The sensation of having adrenaline injected directly into your brain, in the form of the thought:
I AM GOING TO WIN.
Is how people end up broken and destitute.
I know this FOR SURE, because I bid these urns up to nearly $1,200.
BECAUSE THEY WERE MINE.
(Although, it turns out they are not.)
When I left for the auction, I told Paul that my top price was $400-ish for the pair. In reality, it was closer to $500-ish… and in extra reality, some part of myself believed that budget was irrelevant because the urns already cosmically belonged to me and it was just a matter of waiting around to collect them.
After I had been at the auction for an hour, I raised my mental bid-bar to $600… ish.
Just to be safe.
But also because myself pointed out to me that if I thought of the price on a per-urn basis, magically, they were half as expensive!
Self said— $300 per urn is ALMOST the same as $250! Just with slightly more gravitas! You could even go to $350 and still be in the ballpark!
Self also decided to ignore the 18% buyer’s fee and 6% sales tax in favor of convenience and not having to do math.
The bidding began at $100.
Cue music: Eye of the Tiger.
Things moved quickly… According to plan, the other bidders in the room dropped out around $500. But there was a problem– there was a phone bidder who apparently did not get the memo about how I was going to buy these urns for NO MORE THAN $600.
Somewhere around $700, I lost consciousness.
I began bidding in a fugue state… A blackout I can only attribute to my psyche having decided that without the urns, life was not worth living.
As I inched higher and higher— locked into mortal combat with the unknown assailant on the phone… we entered the $900’s and I had the thought – I am doing a BAD thing!
I looked around to see if anyone was coming to arrest me.
But they weren’t.
Self instructed me– GO. MORE. FASTER. MINE.
At NINE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS, I tried to do some quick math to figure out exactly what I was spending.
$950 + 18% buyers fee = $1,121
$1,121 + 6% sales tax = $1,188.26
The above equation is done with a calculator. Sitting at the actual auction, it was more like this: WAY MORE money than I planned to spend + ANY MORE amount of money = HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY.
Up until nearly $1,200:
I was CERTAIN I was about to win.
I was CERTAIN that the urns were MINE.
I was CERTAIN that Unknown Assailant was just about to cave.
But at some point I had to consider that my certainty was unfounded… Because actually, Unknown Assailant seemed perfectly willing to continue ad infinitum… I really have no idea WHAT I would have needed to pay to win these.
Self said – this is not about money! It is about destiny! If we do not win, the rest of life will be a slow, meaningless plod through an urn-less wasteland.
Who wants that?
Teaching me two important auction-truths and illustrating the fundamental unfairness of life:
- sometimes your own destiny walks off, hand-in-hand with someone else, while you sit on the pavement and sob.
- just because you are too poor, does not mean that the other bidder is also too poor… in fact, they may have ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD TO SPEND ON URNS THAT COSMICALLY DO NOT BELONG TO THEM and your experience is not even relevant to the situation because you are just someone who has lost control of their senses and must scurry backwards.
Then you wonder:
Why must I be the scurrier?
Why?
I have some fairly deep-seated childhood issues surrounding that question and I am pretty sure that the urns would have resolved them for me… it is unfortunate that now I will be forced to continue, unabated, my deeply flawed existence.
see the antique urn we restored
Tattycoram
January 20, 2015 @ 10:07 am
I hate that buyer’s fee with a passion; it has ruined many a fine dream.
Jill Flory
January 20, 2015 @ 10:07 am
I love your stories! And take comfort in this – at least you made the guy on the phone pay over 1,000 for a set of urns that undoubtedly weren’t worth more than 600 🙂 heehee!
jennifer
January 20, 2015 @ 10:10 am
Sometimes we lose. I could tell you many a tale about the “one that got away.”
They are VERY nice urns but I am sure that you will find YOUR urns for much less money and with more adventure attached to them. Then they really will be YOUR urns. Do not despair. Something better is around the corner. Happy hunting!
Ruth Kilchenman
January 20, 2015 @ 10:11 am
I could have written this just a few months ago. We are the same person. You are a tad funnier and immensely entertaining
Sunnie Mitchell
January 20, 2015 @ 10:13 am
Those are gorgeous, and those should have been yours. FTR, I live in NE Scotland where things like this are why I’m no longer ‘encouraged’ (read permitted even though he swears he’s not that kind of husband) to attend auctions anywhere in the UK. If he could, he’d block my access to eBayUK, too:)
Ter'e Crow Lindsay
January 20, 2015 @ 10:13 am
I laughed so hard while reading this post. It was simply terrific. Yes, you totally mis-placed your brain that day.
We all have been there.
LOVED the post. Still giggling.
Lynne from Design The Life You Want To Live
January 20, 2015 @ 10:14 am
Cue the music. Eye of the tiger. hahahahahaha.
Thanks for making me roll on the floor laughing this morning. You crack me up.
Love ya girly!
Lynne xx
Kate Sparks
January 20, 2015 @ 10:14 am
OMG…. you always brighten my day!
Rhonda
January 20, 2015 @ 10:14 am
Truly those are gorgeous urns, and I sure wish you could have won the bid! Your storytelling is so comical and hilarious, it makes you losing the bid worth it! (For your readers only! 😉 )
tammigirl
January 20, 2015 @ 10:18 am
I am sorry you are so destitute. I welcome you to come to the Sharing Center at Saint Paul’s Lutheran Church in the center Friday night. I’ll be volunteering and finally get to meet you! Also, we are making stew and chili for a dinner upstairs. At least you’ll get one good hot meal. 🙂
Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahah*deep breath* hahahahahahaha!
cath t
January 20, 2015 @ 10:20 am
Losing builds character. You’ll be a better shopper next time.
Tina
January 20, 2015 @ 10:22 am
I’ve met your mother. You can’t possibly have any childhood issues.
Gaylin
January 20, 2015 @ 10:23 am
I adore you! Those urns were suppose to be yours!
Grrrr the rich!
Post more often ….because you make my day better!
Ashley
January 20, 2015 @ 10:26 am
Love the urns – and it is justice that the phone bidder had to pay up. So sorry you didn’t get them, but maybe that means another fantastic buy is around the corner. Now you will have the funds for it:) Love your blog!
Maggie
January 20, 2015 @ 10:27 am
A very wise woman, at an auction of antique French faience, once shared this insight with me….there’ll always be another one.
Great story, I’ll be back for more.
Ann
January 20, 2015 @ 10:28 am
They are so beautiful! I’m sorry they ride off into the sunset with someone else. I like to think that your urns are still out there just waiting for you to discover them and snap them up at a better price!
Kelly
January 20, 2015 @ 10:29 am
There are bigger, better, fancier urns out there waiting for you. Perhaps gilded. Your destiny, actually, …….awaits.
Jenny
January 20, 2015 @ 10:35 am
Oh, honey. No platitudes from me, but maybe this will comfort you a little: The Unknown Phone Bidder has to pay almost $1200 for those urns, AND (probably) SHIPPING. Which won’t be cheap. AND then the urns will have to be restored. Really, perhaps the cosmos was using you to teach UPB a little lesson in the dangers of not shopping in person. Because destiny CAN be muted over the phone, and if UPB had been there in person, UPB would have understood those were yours LONG before the $$ passed your first limit.
Janice
January 20, 2015 @ 10:39 am
Still wiping ‘laughing my head off tears’
Sue
January 20, 2015 @ 10:47 am
I’ve never been to an auction so this was my training class. Urntastic!