WHY is this not a post about the bed? It’s because I am disorganized. Hopefully you will forgive me when you see the video of us outside the house, (update: here! Roof! Ramps!) hauling it up to the second floor so we can shove it in the front window.
It was pretty exciting to me because I do not comprehend the difference between a Google+ hangout and being on TV. (If you are curious, the video is at the end of this post… I talk too much and mistakenly refer to Paul as long-suffering instead of extremely lucky.)
Apparently I fooled the video people into thinking I am a competent-type-person. Because they asked me if I wanted to be a “featured blogger” in the Pinterest party they are doing with Michael’s.
Which? Hello? Yes. Thank you, I do. In fact, there is nowhere I would NOT be a featured blogger. If someone told me I could be the featured blogger at the grand reopening of Alcatraz, I would wear sequins and hope that I got to give a speech.
So the idea is that I make my version of a suggested craft and share it with you all. Then, Sunday I go to my actual Michael’s store, hang out, and help people with their projects. Come hang out and we can make friendship bracelets!!
After I explained this to Paul, he said – what does that mean? Help people?
I said – you know, ADVISE them. Because I am an EXPERT.
Also, I will facilitate an air of celebratory soirée like Bunny Mellon at The Met Gala.***
***Technically, I am not sure this is exactly what Michael’s is expecting of me… But it’s what I do– exceed expectations. (Unless they are totally reasonable expectations. Then all bets are off.)
But first, I must make something as a sample of my expertise… And since I am an expert, obviously I must impress you.
It is good that Michael’s gave some parameters and suggestions, otherwise this would have quickly spiraled into chaos, panic, and me deciding to try knitting. Or sculpting. Or oil painting.
Or all three.
One of the suggested projects involved terracotta pots and I decided I would take this opportunity to actually make something I have pinned. Generally I treat my Pinterest boards as a place to collect ideas that I will never do… unless they follow me into the afterlife where I might have extra time on my hands.
The idea is that you faux-age terracotta pots with paint and sandpaper. And then create a design on your computer with graphics and French script and print it out on some kind of transfer paper which you rub on the pot and then cover it with ModPodge and lacquer and then there are 357 other steps.
I was excited. Because my planters were going to be better. So, so, so much better.
So I ran out into the backyard and fired up the kiln and started mining my own clay.
Then I went to the craft store and started running up and down the aisles and flinging stuff into my cart. Saying – I will craft this. And that. And all of these.
THE WORKSHOP OF CRAFTINESS IS OPEN.
While I was at it, I decided that I would make an extra one as a housewarming gift for a friend. I was planning a combination of these ideas – basically a bucket of practical stuff that you need (but cannot find) when you first move in.
Plus, I figured that adding a plant makes it more an actual thing to warm your home and less like a basket of cleaning supplies and wine. (Besides, if you are going to be that practical you might as well go all the way– the only true gift for someone surrounded by moving boxes is a bottle of pure grain alcohol. And a straw.)
However. Once my initial burst of featured-blogger-mania wore off, I realized I lost myself at transfer paper…Let’s be serious, that is FAR too many steps.
I mean, obviously, I am not here to preach restraint… If you can slog through all those steps and not abandon it halfway, I would guess that your entire life is superior to mine.
But here on my planet, the attention span is about 30 minutes. And that includes getting the supplies together.
My projects need to be simple and straightforward and above all cannot stretch into day two. Otherwise I just make a huge mess that sits unfinished in the middle of the living room for weeks until I bundle it up and shove it deep in my closet of shame.
OR I need to be so irrationally obsessed with an idea of such complexity that I will sacrifice any amount of time and sanity and force my husband to cut yards of fabric. (Not that that was a good idea.)
So I decided I would make a version of faux-aged terracotta pots for craft-lazy people. You don’t see any of of those tutorials on Pinterest. I am such an innovator.
Literally ALL I did was dampen a sponge, dip it in white paint, and rub it haphazardly on the pot. *fyi: before you get the paint involved, moisten the surface of the pot… the terracotta is very dry and is going to suck up paint FAST. To avoid it sticking more in one spot then another, you want the pot to be damp.
But it was too easy. What kind of tutorial only has one step? So I added some smudges of gray paint. (I just used paint we had in the basement.) It is going to dry lighter, so you may need to wait an hour to see what it actually looks like.
After I was done I was happy with how it looked. And I was extra happy that it took about 3 minutes. But I realized I had not fooled myself into believing the pot was actually old and that was going to be a problem for me.
I like my old, broken junk to actually be old and broken. I need to take it out of someone’s filthy disgusting basement in order for it to have value to me. Apparently I feel my possessions are enhanced by proximity to portable toilets.
Fortunately I am great at the part where you fling aside your current project and began something totally new.
I have been wanting some white pots. (Like this pin.) But I will never buy any because I have learned that whenever I buy house stuff that is not some dirty, rickety item of basement-awesomeness, I lose interest as soon as I get it home.
But now, like the resourceful blogger that I am, I WILL MAKE MY OWN.
—-> imaginary seamless transition to new topic.
I have lost control of this post so I am just going to pretend I wrapped that up cleanly.
- Sunday: update– it’s over! THANKS FOR COMING OUT!
- I have seen some of the other blogger’s projects. Which made me want to start over because a few people used goldleaf, and that never even occurred to me, so I will be rectifying that on Sunday… (What exactly I will be gilding is undecided, possibly myself.)
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.