I hope you are impressed with my craft skills.
Preface:
WHY is this not a post about the bed? It’s because I am disorganized. Hopefully you will forgive me when you see the video of us outside the house, (update: here! Roof! Ramps!) hauling it up to the second floor so we can shove it in the front window.
End preface.
Ok. Since it’s Christmas, (see my holiday house tour) I was asked to demonstrate my one craft skill: how to make a bow for an online video thingy.
It was pretty exciting to me because I do not comprehend the difference between a Google+ hangout and being on TV. (If you are curious, the video is at the end of this post… I talk too much and mistakenly refer to Paul as long-suffering instead of extremely lucky.)
Apparently I fooled the video people into thinking I am a competent-type-person. Because they asked me if I wanted to be a “featured blogger” in the Pinterest party they are doing with Michael’s.
Which? Hello? Yes. Thank you, I do. In fact, there is nowhere I would NOT be a featured blogger. If someone told me I could be the featured blogger at the grand reopening of Alcatraz, I would wear sequins and hope that I got to give a speech.
So the idea is that I make my version of a suggested craft and share it with you all. Then, Sunday I go to my actual Michael’s store, hang out, and help people with their projects. Come hang out and we can make friendship bracelets!!
After I explained this to Paul, he said – what does that mean? Help people?
I said – you know, ADVISE them. Because I am an EXPERT.
Also, I will facilitate an air of celebratory soirée like Bunny Mellon at The Met Gala.***
***Technically, I am not sure this is exactly what Michael’s is expecting of me… But it’s what I do– exceed expectations. (Unless they are totally reasonable expectations. Then all bets are off.)
But first, I must make something as a sample of my expertise… And since I am an expert, obviously I must impress you.
It is good that Michael’s gave some parameters and suggestions, otherwise this would have quickly spiraled into chaos, panic, and me deciding to try knitting. Or sculpting. Or oil painting.
Or all three.
One of the suggested projects involved terracotta pots and I decided I would take this opportunity to actually make something I have pinned. Generally I treat my Pinterest boards as a place to collect ideas that I will never do… unless they follow me into the afterlife where I might have extra time on my hands.
I’ve had this tutorial pinned pretty much since I joined Pinterest. (This woman used the same tutorial, but I like her pot designs even better.)
The idea is that you faux-age terracotta pots with paint and sandpaper. And then create a design on your computer with graphics and French script and print it out on some kind of transfer paper which you rub on the pot and then cover it with ModPodge and lacquer and then there are 357 other steps.
I was excited. Because my planters were going to be better. So, so, so much better.
So I ran out into the backyard and fired up the kiln and started mining my own clay.
Then I went to the craft store and started running up and down the aisles and flinging stuff into my cart. Saying – I will craft this. And that. And all of these.
THE WORKSHOP OF CRAFTINESS IS OPEN.
While I was at it, I decided that I would make an extra one as a housewarming gift for a friend. I was planning a combination of these ideas – basically a bucket of practical stuff that you need (but cannot find) when you first move in.
Plus, I figured that adding a plant makes it more an actual thing to warm your home and less like a basket of cleaning supplies and wine. (Besides, if you are going to be that practical you might as well go all the way– the only true gift for someone surrounded by moving boxes is a bottle of pure grain alcohol. And a straw.)
However. Once my initial burst of featured-blogger-mania wore off, I realized I lost myself at transfer paper…Let’s be serious, that is FAR too many steps.
I mean, obviously, I am not here to preach restraint… If you can slog through all those steps and not abandon it halfway, I would guess that your entire life is superior to mine.
But here on my planet, the attention span is about 30 minutes. And that includes getting the supplies together.
My projects need to be simple and straightforward and above all cannot stretch into day two. Otherwise I just make a huge mess that sits unfinished in the middle of the living room for weeks until I bundle it up and shove it deep in my closet of shame.
OR I need to be so irrationally obsessed with an idea of such complexity that I will sacrifice any amount of time and sanity and force my husband to cut yards of fabric. (Not that that was a good idea.)
So I decided I would make a version of faux-aged terracotta pots for craft-lazy people. You don’t see any of of those tutorials on Pinterest. I am such an innovator.
Literally ALL I did was dampen a sponge, dip it in white paint, and rub it haphazardly on the pot. *fyi: before you get the paint involved, moisten the surface of the pot… the terracotta is very dry and is going to suck up paint FAST. To avoid it sticking more in one spot then another, you want the pot to be damp.
But it was too easy. What kind of tutorial only has one step? So I added some smudges of gray paint. (I just used paint we had in the basement.) It is going to dry lighter, so you may need to wait an hour to see what it actually looks like.
After I was done I was happy with how it looked. And I was extra happy that it took about 3 minutes. But I realized I had not fooled myself into believing the pot was actually old and that was going to be a problem for me.
I like my old, broken junk to actually be old and broken. I need to take it out of someone’s filthy disgusting basement in order for it to have value to me. Apparently I feel my possessions are enhanced by proximity to portable toilets.
Fortunately I am great at the part where you fling aside your current project and began something totally new.
Next!!!
I have been wanting some white pots. (Like this pin.) But I will never buy any because I have learned that whenever I buy house stuff that is not some dirty, rickety item of basement-awesomeness, I lose interest as soon as I get it home.
But now, like the resourceful blogger that I am, I WILL MAKE MY OWN.
—-> imaginary seamless transition to new topic.
I have lost control of this post so I am just going to pretend I wrapped that up cleanly.
Let’s recap:
- Sunday: update– it’s over! THANKS FOR COMING OUT!
- I have seen some of the other blogger’s projects. Which made me want to start over because a few people used goldleaf, and that never even occurred to me, so I will be rectifying that on Sunday… (What exactly I will be gilding is undecided, possibly myself.)
February 12, 2014 @ 9:59 am
Exton is only 2.5 hours from me! Maybe I’ll show up and try not to be creepy! Do you like hugs? Oh my god, I really hope you like hugs!!!
February 12, 2014 @ 10:54 am
I am laughing so hard. Why do you assume you could possibly be creepier than me?
February 12, 2014 @ 10:00 am
Shabby chic addiction (Facebook) and blog of the same name on WordPress
I LOST it when you said you fired up the kiln and started mining your own clay! Also loved the part about if your pins can follow you into the afterlife. I don’t give. 2 poops about those damned pots but hang on every word you utter. I think we share DNA down the line somewhere. (You got the good figure). I got the inability to metabolize chocolate and subs.
February 12, 2014 @ 4:56 pm
you do share VEBS DNA – this cracked me up!
February 12, 2014 @ 10:01 am
Crafting. The word itself makes me feel guilty. Crafting is the grout in the paving on the road to hell.
I am so thankful for Pinterest, where fabulous ideas (that I will someday embrace but who am I kidding?) go to die. You have a closet of shame – I have boards and boards of it.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:51 am
“…grout in the paving on the road to hell.” I cannot express how long I laughed over this. (For me, that’s CLEANING. I’m trying to figure out how I can make a living out of crafting after the last birdie leaves the nest. Or possibly she and I could go into business together making things, because she’s that way too, but so far we lose interest in everything we get good at.) And what you said about Pinterest? Abso-fruitly true.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:02 am
You are killing me Smalls
February 12, 2014 @ 10:58 am
In my case, talls…
March 7, 2014 @ 3:30 pm
I don’t know if I’ll ever do any of this stuff but I was laughing so hard after reading your ‘tutorial’ and seeing myself in what you were saying, I just had to subscribe! I too have drawers and boxes and bags of shame because I just can’t pay attention for too long.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:03 am
great pots I mean post !
February 12, 2014 @ 10:05 am
I did pots like this and gold leafed the rim–almost as easy but fancy!
PS What about the kitchen–I’m going to be doing my kitchen later this year and I want to copy yours 😉
February 12, 2014 @ 11:46 am
I have gone to look at a handful of things I hoped I could repurpose for the kitchen… but that design is still eluding me.
Maybe I will just goldleaf the one I have.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:15 am
I still have no idea what you’ll be demonstrating (and apparently, neither do you), but I still wish I could drive from Boston to PA in a snow storm to see it all unfold first hand. When in doubt, just put a burlap bow on it. Burlap is big in blogland and we all know you’re the bow expert …. Best of luck on your new adventure!
February 12, 2014 @ 11:48 am
I should make myself a burlap dress. And juggle mason jars…
February 13, 2014 @ 9:54 pm
I happen to HAVE a burlap dress. Well, not a dress. A gown. A Marie Antoinette burlap gown.
Have you seen it? It’s on my scarecrow. You could borrow it if you want.
xo
February 12, 2014 @ 10:16 am
Wait, where’s the video where you’re pulling the bed upstairs? Did you think I’d forget by the time I got to the end of the post? I NEED to see that video because I have a boring day in front of me.
February 12, 2014 @ 11:55 am
I am working on it now. When I switched computers I managed to delete the edited version… But felt that the awesomeness deserved mentioning.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:19 am
Victoria! I would love to come see you on Sunday in Exton … do we need to RSVP anywhere?
February 12, 2014 @ 10:57 am
No RSVP! Just show up! (I just got sucked into your Facebook page)
February 12, 2014 @ 11:44 am
Squeee! You looked at my Facebook.com/PenelopeAndAnastasia page!?! FYI, I may need to share that fact with the world. See you Sunday 🙂
February 12, 2014 @ 10:25 am
I miss the US and never more than this weekend as every perso within driving distance will be there enjoying an up-close-and-personal VEB experience. Break a leg, you’re gonna knock ’em dead!
February 12, 2014 @ 11:53 am
xoxo.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:29 am
Adorable. This would be a great gift idea to a new homeowner!
February 12, 2014 @ 10:30 am
Obviously, you do not run out of creative, witty descriptions of your chosen topic and they never cease to amuse and amaze. I think you have an endless supply that you can pull up to use. I don’t care what you write about, as long as you write. One mistake you may have made….you may be mobbed by fans at that Michael’s. I probably would try to drive there but circumstances prevent that. Go, be the expert, report back. And gild away.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:34 am
This: (Besides, if you are going to be that practical you might as well go all the way– the only true gift for someone surrounded by moving boxes is a bottle of pure grain alcohol. And a straw.) Bwahahahaha! You’re too funny. But that statement is also true. Best of luck on Sunday.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:38 am
My version of crafting would also be kind of everything rolled into one, not really to show off, but more because I just can’t say no to making something better than what it was originally. I found my new crafting muse… “Roberts uses knitting, crocheting, painting, sculpture, weaving, collage, performance, assemblage and social engagement to explore ideas of play, home, culture, tradition, religion, identity and sexuality.”
http://cornerbrooker.com/2014/01/dale-roberts-opens-transformations-at-the-grenfell-art-gallery/
Of course my designs would be perfect in every way for home decor, and practical in use. 🙂
February 12, 2014 @ 11:28 am
Wow! Lucy is wearing Victoria’s necklace!
February 12, 2014 @ 10:39 am
I can not understand how Michaels has failed to contact me to be an ambassador of awesomeness?
I absolutely adore you even more than before because now I realize how much more alike we are.
February 12, 2014 @ 10:46 am
I assume Elvis will provide assistance? Lay on the crafting supplies or critique projects?
February 12, 2014 @ 10:56 am
Okay – all you VEB fans . . . I am nominating myself as the official prez of her fan club!
VEB – this could be bigger than the Beatles fan club!!!
February 12, 2014 @ 11:01 am
So, Exton is about 20 minutes from me. Is it totally stalker-ish if I’m not crafty, have no desire to craft, and would shoot someone if they suggested I craft, but just really wanted to meet the woman who helped me discover my inner bed troll? (plus, she owns the doors to Downton AND Narnia!)
February 13, 2014 @ 11:11 am
Please! Are you kidding? I am only “crafting” for the opportunity to wear the apron they are sending me!!! (Not kidding at all.)
You can come and organize your handbag or something.
February 13, 2014 @ 11:19 am
As a current-SAHM, former-professional-organizer, I’ll have you know my purse is perfectly organized. I will, however, stand a respectable distance away to absorb your Finding-The-Perfect-Item-on-Craigslist skills. And your Talking-My-Husband-Into-Getting-The-Perfect-Thing skills. Because apparently I’m really lacking in the latter category. 🙂
February 12, 2014 @ 11:01 am
Pinned your project-I will most likely never make it, LOL, but it’ll be fun to look at in my Pinterest stash.
I did some pots for the front steps of our old place-http://sharingourpath.blogspot.com/2012/04/stenciled-pots.html
February 12, 2014 @ 11:02 am
I don’t have a closet of shame, because our silly house only has one closet that is not in a bedroom. So my graveyard of craft projects is about 1/4 of the unfinished basement (the corner where the river does not run through when it rains). The chief feature of this corner is the sewing machine. I don’t exactly HATE sewing, but if I can make something without sewing it, I will choose the alternate method. (My daughter drew the line at assembling a Ren-faire costume with duct tape and hot glue. She has since learned to sew and now does it for a living. Whatever.) But the shape of those white terra cotta pots? GORGEOUS. I want them. I will paint them glossy black, gild the rolled rim, and put my African violets in them. [Googling “how to apply gold leaf” and various suppliers…]
looking forward to seeing the video. busy now. talk later.
February 13, 2014 @ 12:26 am
Ohmygoodness. Why haven’t I thought of glossy black pots with gilded rims?! Suddenly all my white pots look completely inadequate. Off to fetch gold leaf….
February 15, 2014 @ 11:58 pm
I had to comment – your comment had me rolling! Please write a blog.