Tidying Up… how Marie Kondo is changing my brain.
This is Part One of my decluttering project…
Part Two is here, Part Three is here.
One day I opened my closet.
And saw a wall of trash.
The trash-seeing spread.
Until I came to realize that nearly all of my VERY IMPORTANT THINGS… are garbage.
To understand how extraordinary this is, you have to understand my attachment: I have the hoarding gene.
I have written about this before, when I was reading the book STUFF: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, and also when reading Coming Clean.
I saw myself in these books, but I still kept all of my collections of all of my things… because obviously I am not a REAL hoarder and I should DEFINITELY KEEP ALL OF THIS STUFF FOR THE DAY I NEED 57 CAKE PLATES.
It’s been since last year— when I randomly opened the closet and saw trash… I thought the de-crap-athon was coming to an end. I felt good! Like I cleaned my brain.
But then, I heard about this Netflix show called “Tidying Up”… about getting rid of your crap.
I watched it.
It was a level of Come-To-Jesus that rocked my world.
I looked around.
I still had SO MUCH CRAP.
I got the book– The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
A new game-level commenced.
It didn’t take long for the house to become an absolute disaster area… I am unsure how I can possibly STILL have SO MUCH CRAP even though I’ve been getting rid of stuff for months.
By day three, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.
But elated.
The overwhelm transformed my brain.
I SAW:
I could CHOOSE to be DONE with ALL of this crap.
I am not RESPONSIBLE for ANY of these THINGS.
JUST BURN IT ALL DOWN SO I CAN BE FINISHED.
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An entire bookcase.
Emptied.
Fact:
Mary Karr is incredibly tedious.
Goodbye.
Fact:
Scruples is a timeless literary masterpiece.
Shelve.
Clothes.
Preppy self.
Carnival-barker self.
Lavender-farmer self.
Also, at some point, I thought I was a dress-shorts person.
Fabric. Ribbon. Patterns. CRAP.
I have just enough sewing skills to attempt whatever idiocy I MUST create… and so I have a fine collection of “patterns” I made out of wax paper.
Trash.
Going forward, all of my distractions will be giant and maddening and life-consuming and not addressed with fabric.
Or disco balls.
Goodbye.
More than just the plastic crap– the STUFF that I considered an important-record-of-my-life… it became easy to DETACH.
It became OBVIOUS.
And astonishing.
And glorious.
The T-shirts we signed for each other at summer camp.
The shoes I was wearing the night I met Paul… when it was time to retire them, OBVIOUSLY I could not throw them away— they were a marker of something important!
Being RELIEVED of my VERY IMPORTANT STUFF is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Although, I did have to get a photo album out of the garbage, even though I had already thrown a bag of cat poop on it.
I texted Lara to tell her how liberating it was to throw my CTY stuff directly into the garbage… and her response was – NO! TOO FAR! RETRIEVE!
If you too are alumni, brace for crushing nostalgia.
The next level. Was rage.
I was not expecting that.
I have been living my entire life, surrounded by crap.
A storage-inn, where I have cataloged all of my life choices and also all of the things that I have ever/never used and also all of the things that I EVER MIGHT POSSIBLY NEED.
I realize now:
STUFF has been a HUGE GIANT STRESS FOR ME FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I had no idea.
I realize now:
I have been keeping things that make me feel REALLY BAD AND SAD AND MAD.
My high school yearbook.
High school was the most heinously miserable experience of my entire life.
Just THINKING about it fills my body with static and stress and sadness.
Why have I kept souvenirs?
Because I thought I HAD to.
I thought it was somehow PART of me— that to discard it would be somehow a betrayal of my younger self’s experience.
Trash.
So now beginith the section of this post where I am compelled to proselytize about Marie Kondo to all humans-who-struggle-with-their-stuff.
Personally?
I don’t need assistance identifying joy.
I do not need to thank or touch or pile or fold my items… I need assistance DETACHING… the phrase: “is this part of my life going forward?” Literally changed my brain.
I understand this makes me very stupid.
Some of us are.
Random soapbox:
I’ve read critiques that the couples in the tvshow need therapy rather than tidying—> I could not disagree more.
I am therapied.
Useless.
spitsonfloor
Do this first.
It changed my brain.
There was plenty in the book/show that I cared not at all about.
Some people can handle this, some cannot.
Spoiler alert:
Not every single thing is created exactly for you.
Welcome to earth.
How I watched the tvshow:
I fast-forwarded through the boring parts.
And the hugging.
ASSUMPTION OF HUGGING IS A VIOLATION OF HUMAN DECENCY AND SHOULD BE BANNED IN POLITE SOCIETY.
Also, folding is a waste of time so I fast-forwarded that too.
I personally care about folding things negative percent— I wash all my pajamas as one load… then I take them from the dryer and shove them back on the shelf in a pile.
You thought I wasn’t practical?
Look for my best-selling book, coming soon:
how-to-do-boring-stuff-as-fast-as-possible.
Preview:
your husband is now your haircutter.
YMMV.
Also: random commentary on Marie Kondo/critiques about how she is very animistic about objects.
No.
Let me help you.
She is meeting people where they are.
Some of us perceive OUR STUFF through a lens that tells us insane things— this lens is suffocating but VERY INSISTENT… THIS is the hurdle.
Getting humans to SHIFT the lens through which they view their literal existence is nearly impossible.
She uses empathy – I UNDERSTAND that all of YOUR crap is VERY IMPORTANT and SPECIAL.
She COULD say:
all of this is crap.
put in the trash.
If it was that simple, I would not be here banging my gong.
Now this post is over.
I cannot wait to find out what is happening next.
But first I have to finish getting rid of all of my crap.
see all my best Craigslist finds.
see us repurpose an antique grand piano into our kitchen island.
March 7, 2019 @ 5:28 pm
I watched her videos over my Winter break from work; binged some and then had to stop and pick-up another day – too much! I agree with your thoughts on the decluttering mentality and what it really takes!
I can do the closet/clothes thing, NOT SHOES, it isn’t always easy but I put it in boxes and wait awhile prior to moving it out of the house – that helps me! It is my other “stuff” that is the problem: cookware, linens, ‘objects d’art’, furniture, collectibles…no one wants them which makes me sort of sad. Messages here will help me persevere but, for me, this is not a weekend or even a one month effort, it will take some time for me to finally feel like I have accomplished what I need to do – and I am OK with that!
As for the books, I have an odd obsession about books but I am slowly donating to my local library while still buying new/used off of Amazon, eBay and old brick and mortar bookstores! My Catch 22! Ha!
Based on all the comments, your loyal followers suffer together – differently but still united.
Thank you for the thoughtful and timely post…
March 7, 2019 @ 5:43 pm
Love your narratives!
March 7, 2019 @ 6:36 pm
I have a mirror ball over my dining room table because of you. It brings me joy hanging from the verdigris brass light fixture salvaged from the previous owners. Stay you.
March 7, 2019 @ 7:19 pm
Oh, thank you for coming back to the blog to post! Your post about crap owning you resonates. Time to clean out the shoe cubby, the bookshelves and maybe, just maybe the collection of pots and pans that never see the light of day because really there are only 3 that I use on a regular basis.
Kitten updates needed so don’t forget we live for those.
March 7, 2019 @ 7:56 pm
While reading this I was thinking- is this really Victoria? The woman who squires so many fabulous things and fills her home with sparkle and weekend quests to find the most fabulous items? I don’t know what to say other than I’m happy for you. Ive been in a group called “A Year to Clear” for the past 2 years- some even longer… its a great community to not only clear the physical, but the emotional reasons why we do what we do.
March 7, 2019 @ 9:21 pm
I’m so impressed with your resolve and execution! Maybe you can give me some advice?Normally I don’t have any difficulty giving or throwing things out….BUT….there is a pile of letters that my Dad wrote to me the first year I moved to the US in 1974. We never saw each other or spoke to each other again because he suddenly died. I’ve never been able to read those letters again. Just thinking about them gives me a lump in my throat and brings me to tears. I don’t even like to open the box they’re in. Seeing his handwriting and the blue ink he always used is just too much. Destroying them seems so disrespectful. Having them is a burden. I loved him so much. What would Marie Kondo do?
March 9, 2019 @ 10:58 pm
Hi Edith,
I’m so sorry about the loss of your Father and the struggle you experience with his letters.
Would it be unreasonable to join a grief support group or seek grief counseling? Perhaps after a while of working through the stages of grief, it will become more clear how to best deal with the letters. I realize that you have been grieving since 1974 (45 years), and grief never completely goes away, but it can certainly transition into a more gentle place. A place where letters can bring a feeling of comfort, rather than one of pain.
Good luck to you and I hope you find solace soon.
Amy
March 8, 2019 @ 12:08 am
Beautiful post. And I love the comments and everyone’s thoughts on the topic! (What thoughtful readers you have, V!) 🙂 And awwww my favorite part of the post is that you kept the shoes you were wearing when you met Paul!? So sweet!
March 8, 2019 @ 4:36 am
The things you collect are because you see the epheramal in them. You have a gift, most people don’t recognise the craft, the love that goes into things.
March 8, 2019 @ 8:46 am
I’ve hopped on the decluttering train as well and it was long overdue. The thing that REALLY helped me let go of stuff was joining my local Facebook Buy Nothing group. People will come and take nearly anything and I don’t have to lift a finger! I hate bringing stuff to Goodwill after reading about how so much of that stuff gets tossed or trucked off to third world countries.
I can finally use the outdoor table that I had stained glass stacked on for years after I realized I was never gonna get around to that project and it was stressing me out looking at it, so I sold it. Ditto a bunch of vintage furniture I planned to refinish. Ahhhhhh, such a great feeling!
March 8, 2019 @ 10:09 am
I think we ALL have a cultivated hoarding/collecting problem…created by a consumer culture. Just walking into Walmart or the “snack” aisle at the grocery store causes me to nearly hyperventilate. Car lots with millions of cars… What in heaven’s name are we doing with all this STUFF?! Making it, storing it, throwing it away and getting more and more… Using nonrenewable natural resources for our latest redecorating craze. When we started to get off-site storage units, did we not have clue one that we had a problem? Can we not just live? I’m just as much a “collector” as the next person and I don’t have the patience to sell things. I’ve been donating to charity and they just come and pick up the stuff from my front porch. So good! I haven’t read Kondo but I know I need to cut back incredibly. Incredibly! And my home looks pretty neat, really. But good god, the stuff! The planet! Help us!
March 8, 2019 @ 3:50 pm
Getting rid of all my yearbooks was the best decision I ever made. Any time I looked at them, every time I looked at them, I got an extremely anxious feeling remembering all the awkwardness. The Gifts of Guilt are also things that felt great blessing and sending on their next journey. All the gifts that people got us that I kept only because – what if they came to my house and didn’t see them there are now being enjoyed (or not) by some Good Will shoppers.
March 8, 2019 @ 4:16 pm
What amazes me is how rapidly stuff creeps back after a major purge. When we moved cross-country, I spent 3 months purging junk and the rescue mission sent two box trucks to carry it all away. It’s 20 years later and guess what? Major purge is needed AGAIN. It feels so good when you do it, and sad when you realize you haven’t been diligent with upkeep and it needs doing all over again.
March 9, 2019 @ 9:03 pm
Oh my goodness, you crack me up! When I tried to read Marie Kondo’s book, my first thought was, “this lady is OCD and wants me to be too!” . . . and I gave it up as a bad job. But then my daughter started Kondoing, and it really helped her see the trash. So I watched the show – the hugging, joy finding, thanking, and tapping was all not quite my style but I loved her kindness. I loved how she took everyone wherever they were. She helped them improve their lives without a trip to IKEA. Very refreshing. Like you, I took what I liked and left what didn’t fit me. I’ve been reading your blog here and there over that last few years. Like your style, and adore your sense of humor!
March 11, 2019 @ 11:24 am
My husband is also my haircutter!!!!
March 12, 2019 @ 10:38 pm
My takeaway from watching Marie Kondo was simply to take everything out & put back what you want/need. Everything else goes to the thrift store or garbage. I can’t do the take- all-of-your-things-out-by-category & pile it in one spot & then declutter. There isn’t enough space between your state & mine for me to do that. It’s easier to just go space by space, such as closet first & then one of my dressers. I think that show was made for people like me who need to get out of their own head to see it as just stuff instead of with emotional attachment.
March 21, 2019 @ 11:24 am
Hugging? I am only hugging those who spark joy. No one else.
March 21, 2019 @ 11:31 am
I was forced to get rid of almost ALL my crap when I decided to move from Tasmania to Greece last Christmas. I thought I’d been getting rid of excess stuff for months, but the amount of stuff I still had to get rid of was HUGE. And it felt GREAT. You are right. Its freeing and wonderful to streamline your life!
March 22, 2019 @ 2:41 am
I’m not sure if this was mentioned as I didn’t read all of the comments but there are Facebook groups, local to your area, that you can participate in to get rid of your belongings. One that I belong to is “Buy Nothing”. I take a picture of the item, only the group sees, choose someone who asks for it, and then put it on my porch and they pick it up! It’s a wonderful way to help your neighbors. (I’m a hoarder and should participate more…as in daily)
April 17, 2019 @ 12:07 am
Just one question, Victoria; To which donation center will you be taking all YOUR things? Asking for a friend. . . .
May 16, 2019 @ 10:57 am
When I first read Part I, I thought NO! NOT HER, TOO!!!! I have not read the book/watched the show- I am totally distancing myself from ANY of this. I *LIKE* my stuff. Somehow, I missed Part II but life has been crazy lately, so I can see how it might have happened. Just now read Part III and went back and read Part II afterwards and then re-read Part I and here I am. So-these are my vices: I make quilts, mostly baby quilts. I make cards and like paper crafts but I do not scrapbook- mostly just make cards, stamp, die cut, etc., and I make vinyl monograms, etc. Recently, just 1 year ago, got VSMAC (vintage sewing machine acquisition disorder) and now have SEVEN vintage sewing machines (only 1 is a treadle, two others in cabinets) and i *love* it. I have some of my GRANDMA’S MATERIAL SCRAPS! This includes feedsacks from the WWII era. I have some of my mothers material scraps. I have my mother-in-law’s material scraps, and I have MY material scraps and we’ve been married 43 years next week. Now- in the last 3 weeks, it has come up that we need a different kind of house, we need first floor master…we looked at and have had an offer accepted on a house- bigger, more space for my STUFF, and also 1st floor master. Will be listing our house soonish- but I got to get it presentable. Hence- I am suddenly more open to the idea of getting rid of STUFF that I do not use, and really no longer want to use. and I’m not talking Grandma’s feedsacks, I’m talking craft materials for crafts I don’t do. I will probably not do counted cross stitch anymore but I am keeping my box of embroidery floss because i use it to tie quilts, too. I found a shop called “Scrap it up” that takes craft donations, run by volunteers, sells stuff at very low cost. (can you believe I went in and donated and didn’t buy ANYTHING?) I am avoiding the fabric and paper craft sections of Hobby Lobby. I am driving past yard sales. I am NOT looking online for more random STUFF to buy. but I am still not willing to watch this MK girl…i Don’t want to say goodby to my stuff. BUT I HAVE TO GET RID OF SOME OF THIS ACCUMULATION! And what you said in Part III does resonate with me- the clutter makes a noise in your brain that suffocates…even as you think “I love my stuff and my memories of those times, etc.” Thank you. and I’m glad you’re not getting rid of ribbon cabinets, although if you *do* decide to downsize a thread cabinet…that’s something I’d love someday. 🙂 Mostly- I think three things when I read your posts: 1) You are at least half crazy. 2) Paul is a SAINT and I sure hope you realize how BLESSED you are to have him in your life. 3) Even though I think you’re crazy much of the time (i.e. all the AGONIZING over a refrigerator looking like a refrigerator!) you ALWAYS make me laugh. I’m sorry about Paul’s mother– my father had Parkinson’s dementia the last couple of years of his life and it made it like we lost him even before we lost him. It’s hard. Also- I’m not going to EVER have a cat and probably not a dog again…but I like seeing your pictures. Also- I was one of the ones who wrote in extolling the virtues of induction – so I was SO GLAD you chose that and I can’t wait to see when your kitchen finally gets done. and ALSO- our new house has GAS cooktop- our last house that had gas we lived in from 1985 to 1992….not sure how I am going to like this. we will see. If I hate it, I’ll switch it out and get an induction cooktop.