F.A.Q.
If you emailed me or facebooked me or tweeted me, or otherwise contacted me psychically?
I AM GOING AS FAST AS I CAN.
Your comments and messages have overwhelmed me with gratitude AND fear that you will think I am ignoring you.
Youāve made me laugh hysterically. Youāve endorsed my belief in unicorns.Ā Youāve encouraged me to hoard-on.Ā Which is similar to rock-on.Ā But without leather pants or electric guitars.
You people have changed my entire worldview. Ā But not one of you has sent me a clone of myself, which is what I REALLY need.
I WANT to talk to ALL of you.Ā In fact, it’s the ONLY thing I want to do. Ā Also, I want to invite you all over for a costume party.Ā Because FINALLY I have met people to whom I would NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I would have a costume party on a Wednesday afternoon.
Paul says I cannot do that. Ā Iām not sure why. Ā I mean, I told him you are ALL JUST LIKE ME.
So in the meantime, until I can convince him, some of you have questions. Burning questions.Ā And to spare you any more agony over paint colors and ottomans, here’s a Q. and A.
Q: Where did you get the tufted coffee table?
Craigslist.Ā DUH. Ā I paid $300 for it. Ā But you can pay full priceĀ at Restoration Hardware.
Having since acquired bothĀ a KingdomĀ and theĀ portal to NarniaĀ for about the same price, it does sort of make me rethink whether that was a great deal.
At the time, I was obsessed. And to find the ONE piece of furniture you love, within driving distance on Craigslist is obviously a sign from the universe.Ā Which you may have noticed is aĀ reoccurringĀ theme in my purchases.
I did try to talk myself out of it.Ā We already had a coffee table, AND this thing is HUGE. Ā But I decided if I didnāt get it I would have not-buyerās remorse.
You know thatĀ phenomenon, right?Ā When you waffle on something… talk yourself out of it… then wake up at three a.m. and realize youāre a fool, and that CLEARLY you MUST have itā¦ but you’re too lateā¦ itās gone to someone less-waffly than youā¦ and then you are forever haunted by your own idiocy.
Plus, Iām working on a new theory about how the money you spend on craigslist doesnāt even count. Ā Because you can always resell whatever you bought.Ā Think about it. Ā You trade money for stuff.Ā BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS TRADE IT BACK.
Thus it is like you have SPENT NO MONEY.
Q: Whatās the wall paint in your bath/foyer/living/dining room?
Eggnog by Behr. Itās a light yellow.Ā I looked at 47,000 shades of paint, so I feel confident endorsing it as the ultimate wall color.
Depending on the light or time of day, it might look white or cream in the photos, but itās distinctly yellow, especially next to white trim.
*if you follow me on facebook, you’ll recognize the free disco ball I scored over the weekend.
Q: what shade is the white trim paint?
Itās just plain, white Behr enamel. Ā You buy the can right off the shelf.
I’m embarrassed by this lack-of-special-white-paint admission, knowing now that I should have agonized between White Dove and Wispy Cloud and Holier Than ThouĀ©Farrow and Ball, all rights reserved.
Itās not even shiny, because in a rare display of commitment to visual detail,Ā Paul refused to let me use gloss.Ā I am still not sure how this happened.
Q: donāt you think the stairwell/molding/doorways/windows would look better if you stripped the paint?
That question is predicated on whether I would look good in a straightjacket. Ā Iām flattered that you think I wouldā¦ but lithium isn’t really my color.
Q: what will you be for Halloween?
I love that so many of you ask the TRULY important questions.
I was planning to be John Travoltaās character from Saturday Night Fever.Ā But then I saw the Liberace bio-pic and I pretty much had a meltdown.
Now I am deeply conflicted and may need therapy.
Q:Ā is the entire medicine cabinet custom or did you order the door online?
Paul made the entire cabinet including the door.
I will do a better post on this soon.Ā My first post was before Iād been blogging very long and I could do a better job now.
Q: whatās your next house project?
The kitchen.Ā We had hoped to start it this summer, but weāve both been incredibly busy with other things…Ā The delay is making Paul insane, but I personally am enjoying the respite from constant banging and feeling like my life has exploded.
Also? I am dreading washing carrots in the bathtub.
Q: will Paul create a support group for husbands with impractical wives?
Support group? Ā How about brainwashing group– where they will emerge enthusiastic for our whims.
That would be better.
Q: Did you watch Mad Men season 6 yet?
Yes.Ā It took me about 5 minutes.
I donāt do Mad Men theory, so if you were hoping for a more intellectual discussion, I surely disappointed you. Ā Please try to understand that if you do not own a crinoline?Ā We are not having the same Mad Men experience.
YOU are watching a television show produced in a studio in California… Ā I am watching an alternate universe and desperately trying to figure out how to GET IN THERE.
What I CAN tell you is that before I watch a new season, I re-watch the previous season.Ā And I noticed that in the final scene when Megan is getting her big break in the shoe commercialāTHEY HAVE MY BENCH.
This is the third-most exciting thing to ever happen to me.
The first two:
1. my wedding
2. you
Not necessarily in that order.
That is DON standing RIGHT NEXT TO MY BENCH.
I understand that to you this is meaningless.Ā But to me?Ā Ā Itās proof that I am getting close to the fifth-dimension and soon will be permitted to step through time and space and reality.
I am so excited because I have been packed for YEARS and was starting to think that maybe I made this all up in my head.
Q: are you going to sell ad space?Ā How much?
For one million dollars you can have the entire blog and I will move to Mexico and write a book.
For two million, you can have the blog, and I will stay and write about anything you want.
Short of that, I havenāt figured it out. Ā But PLEASE feel free to offer me money.
Q: did you buy the falling-down house on the river?
No. We did not buy the Biddle mansion.Ā We did not move to Riverton.Ā We do not live on the river.Ā We are still sad.
If you were confused about that, I guess you didnāt read my blog front-to-back and attend to every detail.Ā So you might want to get on that.
Also?Ā To the guy from the Riverton Historical Society?Ā Who emailed me to tell me that I WOULD BE HONORED AT THE ANNUAL DINNER? You should know that I was SUPER tempted to show up and demand my honoringā¦ but I was out of town that week.
Q: what is the formula for your magical-perfect-front-door-red that you created in your psychic paint laboratory?
What?Ā You donāt want to buy 300 paint samples?Ā And mix them with a soup spoon?Ā And then use a spectrometer (I donāt even know what that is) to determine the precise RGB value?
Are you sure?
Theoretically?Ā You can go to Home Depot and ask for Victoria E Barnes.Ā Because when you make a custom paint, you get to name it.
Of course, now I realize what a missed opportunity that was.
Over the weekend when Paul made his weekly pilgrimage, I TRIED to get him to go to the paint counter and ask them to change the name to I LOVE ELVIS.
But he refused.
I would go myself but that would require getting off the internet, and that might give me some kind of psychotic break.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
Erin's Creative Energy
July 10, 2013 @ 10:28 pm
OMG, will you be my BFF? I am now very tempted to go to Home Depot and make them name a paint color after me, or my dog. I name my dogs after Jim Henson muppets. I currently have Animal and Doozer. I also had a dog named Gonzo once. He had a big nose.
Kelly
July 10, 2013 @ 11:45 pm
I too have made my own paint color! I thought I was the only one who had whipped out a wooden spoon and mixed the pathetic red outcast paints, with a little black paint intended for the shutters, to get the ultimate red door paint! I’m not kidding, two days after the door was finished, a strange lady knocked on the door to ask what that color was and where I got it. THEN, a year later, she bought the house from us. You’ve made me feel so normal š
Lorin
July 10, 2013 @ 11:53 pm
OMG I am finally HOME in the nuthouse with everyone ELSE! Well, it’s not the nuthouse, WE are sane, it’s everyone else who is nuts. I have to have my husband read this blog so he realizes I am right. That a person does NEED more than 3 birdseye maple things. And don’t get me started on shiny things…….yeah shiny things……… Ummm where was I?
Oh yes, I actually have a bedspread made from fabric that I saw used as curtains on The Rockford Files. Its really not as bad as it sounds. Black and tan and cream large print. Wish I had those drapes too. And fear of non buyers remorse is probably why I have 3 of all things leopard print but hey, leopard is the new shiny!
If you do have a costume party count me in, I live outside Philly too.
D'Arcy H
July 11, 2013 @ 12:13 am
I’m so happy for you and your recent blognificence! You truly are destined for great things.
I, too have seen something of my own on Mad Men–Don and Megan occasionally drink out of glasses with a pattern of gold leaves. We had those very glasses when I was a kid. The really lame thing is that I had to ask my husband what it was of mine that I saw on Mad Men! Apparently I am TOO OLD to remember my own past!!! Oh, and I once saw my Eastlake dresser on Bonanza … but that was probably before you were born. Don’t mind me … I’m just freaking out because I have a major birthday bearing down on me … meaning I am old enough to have LIVED through the Mad Men era (of course I was very young … haha). Wish I could travel back and appreciate it as an adult.
kyra
July 11, 2013 @ 12:13 am
You are awesome!! LOVE your blog
Danielle
July 11, 2013 @ 12:20 am
We’ve used Behr straight off the shelf white paint for years, but when I started blogging, I felt like I missed the DIY memo that I had to tint it. I’ve felt so much shame! What if people found out we didn’t color the white paint white?!! Thank you for continually validating my choices.
Becky
July 11, 2013 @ 12:36 pm
Reading your posts makes me realize I write posts like a 4YO tells a story…
And then this happened…
And then I did this…
And then this guy said…
And then I glued this to my *#^% by accident….
Seriously – don’t stop bringing the funny!!!
Cheers,
Becky
Leah
July 11, 2013 @ 5:21 pm
“If you were confused about that, I guess you didnāt read my blog front-to-back and attend to every detail. So you might want to get on that.”
I did this over the weekend. You bumped my two year old out of first place on my list of “Reasons I Didn’t Get Anything Done Today…or yesterday…and likely tomorrow.”
gretchen
July 11, 2013 @ 7:52 pm
You are a nut . And I love nuts! (Seriously. I’m a psychotherapist.) I’m so happy to have found your blog. What fun to read after a long day listening to seriousness.
Rosemary Watson
July 12, 2013 @ 12:35 pm
I can’t believe I didn’t find out about you sooner. I mean, I just can’t.
You, my friend, are my home decor / renovation soul mate (second only to my actual soul mate- Ryan Gosling) and also seem to be the voice inside my head when my own husband spits out heaps and heaps of nonsense in opposition to my creative brilliance.
I’ve put you in my Feedly and will now spend an entire road trip (during which I should be working ) reading your blog in its entirety beginning to current.
Thank you. And now that I will be stalking you. I’m so excited!
Leslie
July 12, 2013 @ 12:57 pm
Hi! I just found your blog and I love it. You are a great writer! My husband and I are kicking around the idea of moving to Philly and I was wondering what areas you would recommend looking at (for cute, old houses such as the Victorian you are in or the aforementioned Arts and Crafts bungalow). Sorry if this post sounds semi-stalkerish (yikes). I just have no idea where to start looking! Thanks!
The Diva
July 12, 2013 @ 5:33 pm
I have just heinzed* my way through your entire blog. You. Are. Fantastic. I want to be a combination of your best friend, housesitter, and craigslist spotter. Your exploits deserve a book. A nice big, SHINY coffee table book. Because shiny. And awesome. And then it could sit on the Tufted Coffeetable of Fabulousness and make it MORE fabulous, if that’s even possible.
*heinzing means “catching up.” Catch up = ketchup = heinz. Get it? I knew you would! š
Laura
July 12, 2013 @ 9:12 pm
I’m new to your blog, and as a fellow CL addict, I love you. In a totally non-creepy way. And in have Eggnog on the walls in my kitchen. Color twinsies!
Siobhan
July 13, 2013 @ 2:21 pm
You. Are. The. Best.
That is all.
Bridget from Refined Vintage
July 14, 2013 @ 9:11 am
If only I knew I could name my custom paint at Home Depot. Last fall we had to match a cupboard from Home Goods that we incorporated into our kitchen counter. ( my husband built out around it) The guy who helped us was so nice and kept adding more grey, more grey.. for about 30 minutes. But he failed to tell us we could name it!!! How cool is that? I love your escapades, you are the Lucy of Millennium, do you have an Ethel? Love your blog!
I always dream about blogging on another platform outside of my selling venue. But I am not a consistent writer, sometimes I don’t post for a month! Which is not acceptable to me if your are going to be a “Blogger”. So I write occasionally and I have intentions to write about our kitchen remodel and the Home Goods cabinet someday. You are my inspiration, all though I will never have your wit! You always make me laugh, which is very good!
Jen
July 14, 2013 @ 8:27 pm
Your blog is hilarious. I might have to kidnap your cat. Also, it took me a while to notice the disco balls on the table given all the mirrors, so two thumbs up on that, because more is always more. I like your Craigslist math too š
Jen
July 14, 2013 @ 8:27 pm
Oh, and apparently anything typed between brackets disappears. Because I totally had a Just Kidding after the kidnap your cat part. I’m not that creepy š
Tsumik
July 14, 2013 @ 9:20 pm
My girlfriend and I have painted our bedroom in another mystical paint called Forde Abbey. It is no longer made and has to be custom made with Ralph Lauren paint at a sherwin Williams. I swear changes with the sunlight through windows enough that its one step away from opening a portal. I recommend you looking into it.
And you should have a party! The world needs more reasons and places to wear tailcoats and ascots.
Alex @ northstory
July 15, 2013 @ 12:14 pm
I leave for one week on vacation and here I am waving my “Can you see my comment??” flag. You’re bigger than…what was that guy John Lennon was talking that caused a lot of anger… hmmm
I am amazed we’re friends considering I haven’t seen an episode of Mad Men since Season 1.
Slowly backing away from the computer now….
dadlee
July 15, 2013 @ 5:30 pm
Hi from another new fan, fighting off addiction to your writing style. Way too cool.
My addiction therapy choice is cooking, and though I sense you might not want to touch that subject till the kitchen re-do is done, I wonder if you’d mind my concocting a nutbar and naming it for you? Sort of like the paint-mixing deal, but not exactly.
First step though, is I’d need a DNA sample . . . would you happen to have a stray lying about, such as on a splinter, that you could put in the mail? Teleporting it is OK too, and good practice for your future; I keep watch at the apartment window in case The Rapture starts unannounced and the elderly begin popping out for their upward glide.
Oh, and if any of that DNA creeps into my writing you won’t have to sue — I’ll just confess and say admiration made me do it.
Siouxzie Q
July 16, 2013 @ 3:14 pm
Hi Victoria,
Is it possible for another human to be oneās spirit animal? Yes? Then I claim you.
I discovered your blog while Google-ing āover-sized recessed medicine cabinetā¦ā (Because thatās how I roll at 11:45 on a Monday night as I obsess about my own bathroom redo.) Your adventures in home remodeling sucked me in like a hammerhead in a Sharknado. I laughed to the point of snorting, line after line. (Whoa, that was unintentional cocaine imagery.) You are delightful, witty, and endlessly entertaining. An inspiration. I want to run out and fret over tile hues, troll Craigslist for things that MIGHT fit in my house, and endlessly talk my husband into doing the next-to-impossible. Wait, I already do that. Never mind. Mostly, you make me want to be funnier and sunnier, so much so that Iād send you my beloved Elvis bobble head (the schexy and glitzy one in the 50s gold lame suit) as a serious token of appreciation. My friend and decorating twin, Susan, and I are convinced you are our lost triplet and Paul is a missing branch to our husbandsā tree of woe. We love you, we love youā¦but we love your āover-sized recessed medicine cabinetā even more. And we donāt say that to just anyone.
Clearly, you rock.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
July 18, 2013 @ 10:15 am
“missing branch to our husbandsā tree of woe. ”
Saving this in my “greatest comments ever” folder.
xo