My people… If I could lock you in my basement, I would.
I have never once in my entire life done anything practical.
I have spent 36 years wearing a superhero cape and telling people I have magical powers.
I have leaped off more buildings than I can count.
Screaming—I’M SUPERMAN.
And then crashing into the pavement.
It has given me all kinds of problems.
Not to mention whiplash.
And also the realization that I lack the gene to learn from my mistakes.
In its place, I got an extra gene. Of self-delusion.
The ability to cling to an idea regardless of reality.
Q: Where did Rocky get the Kingdom mirror?
Rocky does clean-outs. It was in a storage unit.
Q: How tall? Slightly over 8′. Ceiling is 9′.
I started this blog with the conviction that people would find me via magic and unicorns.
And the disparity between what my imagination had planned, and actual reality?
Has been a little soul-crushing.
And irritating.
Not to mention how unicorns are totally unreliable. Flaky.
So distracted by rainbows and deep-conditioning their manes.
But I have told myself that if I JUST KEPT GOING. It would be worth it.
After all, my parents promised me that hard work always pays off.
Although, I don’t think they took into consideration how one day I might wake up and decide to spend all my free time doing what is essentially quirky performance-art for strangers.
That’s what blogging is: the millennium-version of mimes. You don’t see those people anymore, do you? No. You don’t. They all went home and washed their faces and started a blog.
The story of the mirror in the foyer is here. If you want to know how we mounted it to the wall.
For an entire year, I have been standing on your lawn in my mime-outfit.
In the rain and the snow.
Believing that if I loved you enough.
SURELY YOU WOULD LOVE ME BACK.
But sometime in the last few months, I started to doubt my plan.
I was cold. And tired. And it was like you didn’t even see me.
Was I at the right house?
Were you away?
And I started to notice that there were all kinds of other mimes on your lawn.
Squatters. Vying for your attention.
Some of them had way nicer leotards than me.
I wanted to kick them all in the shin.
Until last Tuesday. When the unicorns FINALLY showed up.
It would be impossible for me to overstate my euphoria.
Which for most people translates into gratitude to a higher power… and for me, translates into wanting to lock you all in my basement so you can never leave me.
For a week, I did nothing but sit in front of my pageview-counter and hit refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
REFRESH.
REFRESH.
It was the most productive week of my life.
I totally abandoned all pretense of real work. Or real life. Or real anything.
I am the last person on the planet who has actual paperwork to deal with, and I just lit it on fire.
I stopped answering email.
I ate peanut butter out of the jar and let the laundry pile up.
I did not shower or brush my teeth.
When people asked me if I’d finished x or y or z.
I just screamed at them—MY BLOG!!!!
MY PEOPLE.
THEY EXIST.
And if they didn’t understand, I tried to convey my sheer, overwhelming joy, through interpretative dance.
Every single thing that I have ever failed to do has been rectified by the fact that 55,000 people shared me on Facebook.
If that doesn’t make sense to you, that’s fine. But this is a blog about me.
The people I’ve been looking for ALL MY LIFE.
Actually exist.
They feel that they ARE me.
And I am them.
This is going in my file titled: proof.
Proof of what exactly? I don’t know.
Proof, which Paul points out is both unpaid, AND has me awake at three A.M.
Manic and clutching my phone to see if anyone else liked me on Facebook.
If YOU are one of the twenty-seven billion people on Facebook who have NOT liked me?
I don’t know why you would do that to yourself.
You can go ahead and fix that right now.
I spent the first three days swinging from the chandelier. And throwing myself on the floor in delight. And jumping up and doing it again. Because with me, once is never enough.
All day, and all night, I hunched over my keyboard. Rubbing my hands together and mumbling: come on baby. Hit me. Hit me. Hit me.
Biting my nails that the highlight of my entire life was happening RIGHT NOW.
And trying to divide 55,000 Facebook shares into the scope of human existence.
By the fifth day. I was mostly sitting in a corner. Rocking back-and-forth and sobbing.
Because nothing this good will ever happen again.
Basically, my life is over.
Like if Christmas only came once in your entire life.
And after that, you had to live in a dark hole.
No matter HOW GOOD the presents were?
I don’t think anyone would be very excited about that.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
Dee
July 2, 2013 @ 11:05 am
I love your blog! I see a lot of me in what you write. So I understand. I am not good at writing but can tell a great store…lol.
Dee
July 2, 2013 @ 11:06 am
story
Annie
July 2, 2013 @ 3:21 pm
I was also sent the link from my Goddaughter.. (Hi, Maria ;)..)… I laughed so hard I almost peed… my husband had confirmation of my insanity… but didn’t share it… I am now a faithful reader… & you are only the 3rd blog I follow… 2 sometimes… but you are on the short list (via e!) …Fellow unicorn believer: mine wears a teal bow!! Always believe in Christmas ;o
Vy
July 2, 2013 @ 11:05 am
I was given a link to your giant mirror story of last week, so I checked it out and OMG. I found myself four hours later, still reading your words. I laughed. I gloried. I mentally redecorated my entire home. I mentally redecorated your entire home. I now how to buy stain off the internet, disco balls are what Christmas is about, and that Craigslist is my friend. Add one new loyal reader 🙂
Tery
July 2, 2013 @ 1:45 pm
Hey Vy —
So obviously you’re good at redecorating — how about MY house? It’s a 150 year old converted church. I have no money, no budget, now inspiration, but heck…it’s a work in progress… LOL
Melissa D-Z
July 2, 2013 @ 11:06 am
I for one would lock you in my basement, but take you out frequently to be my partner in crime and friend. My life is closer to completion now that your blog is part of it. You have built a blog with a kingdom on top. Rock on, sister, rock on.
Janice S.
July 8, 2013 @ 3:25 pm
A blog with a kingdom on top! That’s great!
Victoria, I’m glad you explained where you’ve been the past few weeks. You sound like the most rational person ever. I totally would have done the same in your shoes: refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
We, your people, humbly await your next tale of adventure.
Alex @ northstory
July 2, 2013 @ 11:07 am
I’ve said to this before and I’ll say it again, this is just the beginning. This reminds me of the TED talk that Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love) gave. This is a quote from her lecture:
“…I’m pretty young, I’m only about 40 years old. I still have maybe another four decades of work left in me. And it’s exceedingly likely that anything I write from this point forward is going to be judged by the world as the work that came after the freakish success of my last book…it’s exceedingly likely that my greatest success is behind me. Oh, so Jesus, what a thought! You know that’s the kind of thought that could lead a person to start drinking gin at nine o’clock in the morning, and I don’t want to go there. I would prefer to keep doing this work that I love.”
In other words, keep doing what you’re doing. If I fell in love with your writing before the Craigslist post, I will fall in love with whatever you write after it as well. So keep writing b/c we need more writers that make us laugh and cry and the rare talent to have people read your content vs skim over your words in between renovation projects and other misc crafts that you cry over not being able to photograph in the non-existent sunlight of daylight savings time.
Lara Croft
July 2, 2013 @ 11:49 am
Alex, you don’t know it but V is already very familiar with Elizabeth Gilbert’s TED talk; she posted it on my timeline a few months ago and insisted I watch it. <3 Great minds think alike.
Rebeccah
July 2, 2013 @ 11:07 am
You know what is awesome? That you are so honest about wanting it. And how it made you feel when it did. I have a very strong suspicion that Christmas will come again. I know I am very happy to have you in my front yard, miming with your unicorns and whatnot. Congrats on your success!
Diane Lindgren
July 2, 2013 @ 11:07 am
I just came across your bog recently and love it! So count me as one of your fans and hope you keep it up!
Thanks, Diane
Jennifer
July 2, 2013 @ 11:07 am
I. Adore. You. You,and everything you write! Your blog is MY magical door to the land of Delightful Irreverence.
Astrid S
July 2, 2013 @ 11:07 am
Oh DEAR GOD, I thought you were going to quit blogging and I was about to have a heart attack and take the rest of the day off work….Please stay around. You make a lot of my mornings at work worthwhile.
Laura
July 3, 2013 @ 10:40 am
Me too! I think I was holding my breath the entire time I was reading. 🙂 Phew!
Katrina
July 5, 2013 @ 6:54 pm
Me too. I’ve just discovered you on the front lawn of my Aussie home….and I stated having a panic attack that you were about to abandon me just when I fell head over heels for you. Don’t leave me! I share you sense of humour. You are so refreshing, not like all the other generic blogs around.
Katrina Roesel
July 2, 2013 @ 11:09 am
Thank you for the hours of endless entertainment. I love your blot.
Katrina
Sheri Ricker
July 2, 2013 @ 11:09 am
Victoria,
You forgot to go gaga’s over those of us who subscribed to your posts and receive them via email!!!!! I love you, adore you, wait for your posts. I found you recently through a link on Momastery. I couldn’t believe my good fortune at finding such an entertaining way to spend some time at the computer. Laughing, agreeing, seeing myself in you. Humor is my favorite human quality so I guess that makes you my dear, one of my favorite humans. Hoard on, Craigslist rules!!!!!!!!!!
Anna Loy
July 2, 2013 @ 11:09 am
Ha, I saw a similar thing happen with the Bloggess when her post about the giant metal chicken went viral. At least your viral post is about a gorgeous decorative mirror 😉
One of the best things about the internet is that you may feel like there is no one in the world as quirky as you are, who likes the peculiar things you do, and suddenly…BAM, you have a tribe 😉
Val LaBore
July 2, 2013 @ 11:09 am
I followed a link a friend had left on Facebook because it looked like something I would enjoy. I did! And I like your style of writing. So I subscribed to your email list.
Val
Garden, Home and Party
July 2, 2013 @ 11:11 am
I’m so happy you did this…it convinces me that I don’t have what it takes (desire, ambition, hard work and entertaining words) to ever have a wildly successful blog and I’m okay now. I had scratched my head in wonder at what it takes to get 55,000+ likes and now I know. You have unlocked the mystery for me and I’m good with the knowledge that I just don’t have that “drive”. It was great living through it with you…clicking ‘like’ and sharing the comedy and entertainment value that your blog brings me and my friends. But now, I can be relaxed and watch you as you will undoubtedly become even more popular…which you deserve. You are great and funny and I just want a signed book when it’s published, inscription to read: To one of my favorite blog friends, Love Victoria. 😀
Forever your humble fan,
Karen
Laurie@Vin'yet Etc.
July 2, 2013 @ 11:11 am
I can so relate to everything, except the amount of fame! I’ll get there though, cause there are unicorns, you said so! xo
Anne
July 2, 2013 @ 11:11 am
I personally don’t know how I have lived without your blog for this long or how I didn’t know how seeing your gigantic golden mirrors could make me lose hours of my life to craigslist…as if it didn’t already lose too many. I am in awe at your ability to stomach your husband’s moods about your finds and look to you to adopt your iron will as my own. Congratulations. You not only have a great eye, but your writing is entertaining and top notch!
Kari
July 2, 2013 @ 11:11 am
I’m one of the kabillion that showed up on your doorstep a week ago. I gotta say and this is from a jaded I’ve been on the internet since Prodigy so don’t be telling me what to do senior. I love your blog. I think I spent a couple hours here catching up. Good stuff, now don’t get overwhelmed you just keep doing your thing, don’t pull a Lindsey Lohan.
Nicky Ovitt
July 2, 2013 @ 11:12 am
yay! I GET TO BE THE FIRST TO COMMENT!!! I love you, WE love you. Your fantastic style, writing and sense of humor GUARANTEE that was not the highlight of your life. Looking forward to so much more, Victoria! … and yes, I’m gonna share it, again!
Jeff
July 2, 2013 @ 11:12 am
Congratulations on your big day! I’m glad I found your blog because I think it’s fabulous. I have a feeling that your life will include more than one Christmas. 🙂
amy
July 2, 2013 @ 11:13 am
I am so much happier now that I’ve found your blog. Also, I have mirror envy. Massive. Mirror. Envy. But I love Victorian homes, and I’m so very glad that about a half dozen of my friends posted the link to your blog for me to find and read.
teresa
July 2, 2013 @ 10:17 pm
i know right, MASSIVE. mirror. envy.
and those of us who do, have this blog to go to and and look and look at that wonderful mirror (both of them actually) and say ‘one day, it will be me with two mirrors that awesome’
😉
Debi Beard
July 2, 2013 @ 11:16 am
I found you through an Fb share…. then I re- shared your post on my page… You should read the MANYcomments there! You are a fabulous storyteller. everyone likes to live vicariously through other people’s treasure hunting adventures. Your fame is well deserved!
I don’t have time to read many blogs but. I will definitely be looking forward to yours. Now please get back on craigslist and find something else so that I can pretend that it happened to me 🙂
Your new reader and fellow blogger
Debi Beard