If you emailed me or facebooked me or tweeted me, or otherwise contacted me psychically?
I AM GOING AS FAST AS I CAN.
Your comments and messages have overwhelmed me with gratitude AND fear that you will think I am ignoring you.
You’ve made me laugh hysterically. You’ve endorsed my belief in unicorns. You’ve encouraged me to hoard-on. Which is similar to rock-on. But without leather pants or electric guitars.
You people have changed my entire worldview. But not one of you has sent me a clone of myself, which is what I REALLY need.
I WANT to talk to ALL of you. In fact, it’s the ONLY thing I want to do. Also, I want to invite you all over for a costume party. Because FINALLY I have met people to whom I would NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY I would have a costume party on a Wednesday afternoon.
Paul says I cannot do that. I’m not sure why. I mean, I told him you are ALL JUST LIKE ME.
So in the meantime, until I can convince him, some of you have questions. Burning questions. And to spare you any more agony over paint colors and ottomans, here’s a Q. and A.
Q: Where did you get the tufted coffee table?
Craigslist. DUH. I paid $300 for it. But you can pay full price at Restoration Hardware.
Having since acquired both a Kingdom and the portal to Narnia for about the same price, it does sort of make me rethink whether that was a great deal.
At the time, I was obsessed. And to find the ONE piece of furniture you love, within driving distance on Craigslist is obviously a sign from the universe. Which you may have noticed is a reoccurring theme in my purchases.
I did try to talk myself out of it. We already had a coffee table, AND this thing is HUGE. But I decided if I didn’t get it I would have not-buyer’s remorse.
You know that phenomenon, right? When you waffle on something… talk yourself out of it… then wake up at three a.m. and realize you’re a fool, and that CLEARLY you MUST have it… but you’re too late… it’s gone to someone less-waffly than you… and then you are forever haunted by your own idiocy.
Plus, I’m working on a new theory about how the money you spend on craigslist doesn’t even count. Because you can always resell whatever you bought. Think about it. You trade money for stuff. BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS TRADE IT BACK.
Thus it is like you have SPENT NO MONEY.
Q: What’s the wall paint in your bath/foyer/living/dining room?
Eggnog by Behr. It’s a light yellow. I looked at 47,000 shades of paint, so I feel confident endorsing it as the ultimate wall color.
Depending on the light or time of day, it might look white or cream in the photos, but it’s distinctly yellow, especially next to white trim.
*if you follow me on facebook, you’ll recognize the free disco ball I scored over the weekend.
Q: what shade is the white trim paint?
It’s just plain, white Behr enamel. You buy the can right off the shelf.
I’m embarrassed by this lack-of-special-white-paint admission, knowing now that I should have agonized between White Dove and Wispy Cloud and Holier Than Thou©Farrow and Ball, all rights reserved.
It’s not even shiny, because in a rare display of commitment to visual detail, Paul refused to let me use gloss. I am still not sure how this happened.
Q: don’t you think the stairwell/molding/doorways/windows would look better if you stripped the paint?
That question is predicated on whether I would look good in a straightjacket. I’m flattered that you think I would… but lithium isn’t really my color.
Q: what will you be for Halloween?
I love that so many of you ask the TRULY important questions.
I was planning to be John Travolta’s character from Saturday Night Fever. But then I saw the Liberace bio-pic and I pretty much had a meltdown.
Now I am deeply conflicted and may need therapy.
Q: is the entire medicine cabinet custom or did you order the door online?
Paul made the entire cabinet including the door.
I will do a better post on this soon. My first post was before I’d been blogging very long and I could do a better job now.
Q: what’s your next house project?
The kitchen. We had hoped to start it this summer, but we’ve both been incredibly busy with other things… The delay is making Paul insane, but I personally am enjoying the respite from constant banging and feeling like my life has exploded.
Also? I am dreading washing carrots in the bathtub.
Q: will Paul create a support group for husbands with impractical wives?
Support group? How about brainwashing group– where they will emerge enthusiastic for our whims.
That would be better.
Q: Did you watch Mad Men season 6 yet?
Yes. It took me about 5 minutes.
I don’t do Mad Men theory, so if you were hoping for a more intellectual discussion, I surely disappointed you. Please try to understand that if you do not own a crinoline? We are not having the same Mad Men experience.
YOU are watching a television show produced in a studio in California… I am watching an alternate universe and desperately trying to figure out how to GET IN THERE.
What I CAN tell you is that before I watch a new season, I re-watch the previous season. And I noticed that in the final scene when Megan is getting her big break in the shoe commercial—THEY HAVE MY BENCH.
This is the third-most exciting thing to ever happen to me.
The first two:
1. my wedding
Not necessarily in that order.
That is DON standing RIGHT NEXT TO MY BENCH.
I understand that to you this is meaningless. But to me? It’s proof that I am getting close to the fifth-dimension and soon will be permitted to step through time and space and reality.
I am so excited because I have been packed for YEARS and was starting to think that maybe I made this all up in my head.
Q: are you going to sell ad space? How much?
For one million dollars you can have the entire blog and I will move to Mexico and write a book.
For two million, you can have the blog, and I will stay and write about anything you want.
Short of that, I haven’t figured it out. But PLEASE feel free to offer me money.
Q: did you buy the falling-down house on the river?
No. We did not buy the Biddle mansion. We did not move to Riverton. We do not live on the river. We are still sad.
If you were confused about that, I guess you didn’t read my blog front-to-back and attend to every detail. So you might want to get on that.
Also? To the guy from the Riverton Historical Society? Who emailed me to tell me that I WOULD BE HONORED AT THE ANNUAL DINNER? You should know that I was SUPER tempted to show up and demand my honoring… but I was out of town that week.
Q: what is the formula for your magical-perfect-front-door-red that you created in your psychic paint laboratory?
What? You don’t want to buy 300 paint samples? And mix them with a soup spoon? And then use a spectrometer (I don’t even know what that is) to determine the precise RGB value?
Are you sure?
Theoretically? You can go to Home Depot and ask for Victoria E Barnes. Because when you make a custom paint, you get to name it.
Of course, now I realize what a missed opportunity that was.
Over the weekend when Paul made his weekly pilgrimage, I TRIED to get him to go to the paint counter and ask them to change the name to I LOVE ELVIS.
But he refused.
I would go myself but that would require getting off the internet, and that might give me some kind of psychotic break.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
Eliesa @Pinterest Addict
July 10, 2013 @ 10:15 am
You’re a nut! I am totally going to make my own paint color now. I don’t even have anything to paint…. It will be some kind of blue, in case you were wondering. Hey – Your Elvis has the same white mark as our Elvis. Too many indications that we should be friends in real life 🙂
Bonkers About Buttons
July 10, 2013 @ 10:16 am
ha -I need me some of that ‘holier than thou’ paint!
July 10, 2013 @ 10:19 am
Enjoyed your Q and A! I know what you mean about seeing something you own on TV, I bought a beautiful Arabian Majolica Horse for my glass coffee table, and then I saw a picture in a magazine of a set in the Soap “Young and the Restless”, and there was my horse on a credenza in Catherine Chandlers home! Freak’n Validation!
July 10, 2013 @ 10:24 am
Yay for the bench and the possibility for space/time continuum transport!
July 10, 2013 @ 10:24 am
All I can say is that I would LOVE to wake up to a post from you EVERY morning. Thanks for the reality and the laughs!! I am enjoying your journey right along beside you. 🙂
Alex - Old Town Home
July 10, 2013 @ 10:27 am
Q: what will you be for Halloween?
This is obviously the most important Q: you’ve answered, yet I’m left wondering, if you go the Liberace route will you or Paul play Liberace? And the other Scott Thorson? I don’t think you need therapy, just a fabulous outfit.
I do wish you had bought the home on the river, just like I wish we had purchased that awesome Victorian in Colora, MD, or the one in Culpeper, VA on 50+ acres but without plumbing. Maybe some day.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
July 10, 2013 @ 12:59 pm
Does it really seem likely I’d let anyone other than myself be Liberace? I may have to dress the cat as Scott, since I’m not sure Paul is interested in this (clearly) awesome scenario.
Alex - Old Town Home
July 10, 2013 @ 9:25 pm
So I’m thinking you’ll put some gold rings on Elvis, maybe some lip gloss, and put him in an over the top limo driver’s outfit with a white fur coat. It’s all in miniature for him, so that’s way more affordable. I just want to see the look on people’s faces when you begin to describe what you’re dressed as. And the look on Paul’s face as he stands off to the side, probably dressed as Scott Bakula or something.
July 10, 2013 @ 10:29 am
Why hasn’t anyone told me you can name your own paint?!?! I have custom mixed all my interior house paint. (and by custom mix I mean I had gallons & gallons of oops paint in the basement and I mixed them all in a giant bucket)
I cannot stay away from collecting $5 oops paint. I think it is a wonderful new hobby.
Seriously…add a paypal button to your blog. I would totally donate. You entertain me that much!
July 10, 2013 @ 10:40 pm
Paul would surely approve of the paypal idea.
I am now a devoted follower, plus I converted a friend today. Just got a text telling me her husband is on board. It’s a pyramid scheme. Sort of.
I have a confession…I had to google to find out what it means when someone says,”Word.” I hate being out of the loop.
July 10, 2013 @ 10:30 am
That bench!!! Be still my heart!
July 10, 2013 @ 10:32 am
I just love you; you are hilarious!!
July 10, 2013 @ 10:34 am
My sister & I were JUST talking about dressing up. I would go as Anne of Green Gables disguised as a superhero at a ballet. That way I could wear a sailor dress, cape and a tutu.
July 12, 2013 @ 5:27 pm
OMG. That is the Best. Idea. Ever.
July 10, 2013 @ 10:35 am
Nothing like a blog post from the CL Queen just before I dash out the door to meet a CL Kidnapper myself this morning! Nothing as fab as your latest finds for me today, but I will be capturing 2 wooden rockers for the porch that match the one I already have, for only $20 each! Score!!
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
July 10, 2013 @ 1:31 pm
July 10, 2013 @ 10:36 am
Okay, this is lame, but I HAVE TO HAVE SEMI GLOSS WOODWORK.
My husband rolls his eyes about this requirement, but there it is.
I also use the stuff off the shelf…I’m just not precious enough to look at all of the WHITES and make a decision. I did that once, and it was a complete pain, and totally unnecessary. I’m lazy, too.
Another entertaining post!
Apple Hill Cottage
July 10, 2013 @ 12:45 pm
I let my husband go to Sherwin Williams last time for paint (alone) and he brought home Steamed Milk Oil base paint for the woodwork in Satin! He Knows all the other woodwork has been painted in semi-gloss. He is a Professional. Aaargh! I think that was as shiny as he could bring himself to buy… Needless to say, next time I am going by myself.
July 10, 2013 @ 12:49 pm
Reading your blog is like a new chapter in a fun novel
July 10, 2013 @ 10:42 am
I can’t help but comment again…and you don’t have to respond since you are overloaded with comments…You are the cats meow and I can’t wait for another post…almost like crack to an addict!
Laura Ingalls Gunn
July 10, 2013 @ 11:01 am
Recent convert to your fabulous blog! I’ve also converted two cousins and a husband. (Better than two husbands and a cousin.)
I wanted to let you know that my 11 year old son has been wanting to go as Barry Gibb of the Bee Gee’s (Stayin Alive) for the past 2 Halloween’s. (Yes, you can totally tell the environment we are raising him in.) The problem is that he has yet to convince two of his friends to be Maurice and Robin.
If you do throw over Liberace and decide to be Tony Manero my husband and I will gladly fill the platform shoe wearing roles and totally come to the party.
I myself am currently sewing a polonaise gown so I can channel my inner Marie Antoinette. Husband still hasn’t agreed to be the guillotine.
Garden, Home and Party
July 10, 2013 @ 11:14 am
Can I be your manager when you go on tour?
The only thing I’ve ever seen on TV that I own is a mandolin (a kitchen slicer) that I bought on Amazon for next to nothing…Alton Brown raved about the very same one that he had used for years. Oh, and a dress that I once bought, then saw Richie Cunningham’s mom wear it on the show and new I had hit a fashion low since I was twenty-something at the time and she portrayed a mom with a teenager!
P.S. no reply necessary until you catch up, if you catch up with all the correspondence.
July 10, 2013 @ 11:27 am
I stepped through the portal into your blog. I told my husband to be afraid, be very afraid that I was taking notes…
Philadelphia Craig’s list is so much more interesting than Berkeley’s.
July 10, 2013 @ 11:31 am
is it possible to buy something on Craigslist that would help make my house look cleaner/more organized/not cluttered…..
just thought you would know.
also you are a RIOT!!!!!!!!!!!11
xoxo love u
March 17, 2014 @ 5:25 pm
You can’t buy something to help make your house look cleaner/more organized/not cluttered, but you can rent (hire) one.
It is called a maid, and I want one.
July 10, 2013 @ 11:41 am
I am getting married soon, and instead of buying the dress first… I ordered a custom made petticoat from England and now I am having my dress made from a Vintage Vogue 1957 pattern. I too am waiting for my Time Portal. When I open the right door, closet or find the portal key…. I will come pick you up. We can have black coffee and talk about how difficult it is to pick the right preschool and find good hairdressers.
July 10, 2013 @ 12:02 pm
Tara!! Please – take me too!!! I think I’ve finally acquired enough vintage handbags and full pleated skirts to make the trip. I’m still working on gloves though – pretty cotton gloves, in multiple colors, in a size 7.5 are hard to find.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
July 10, 2013 @ 12:53 pm
My brain cannot even comprehend the awesomeness of this. WHY DID I DO MY WEDDING SO WRONG?
Also, why do you not have a blog for me to SEE this creation?
July 10, 2013 @ 11:45 am
I love your posts. You write like I think – I think. What made me laugh out loud today was the big bold “not returnable” on the paint can cover. That pretty much sums it up! Haha!
July 10, 2013 @ 11:51 am
I found my friend the guts from a 1910 upright piano. My next door neighbor was selling it for $25! After I went outside to see what neighbors I could corral into helping us load it, and she and her daughter left, the neighbor said to his wife “You should have given her that piece!” This piece was standing back by the wall and it was like a frame. My brain did backflips and I told them “I want it!” They told me I could just have it. I told them I was going to put a mirror in it. My neighbor told me he would bring me one. I went inside, propped the mirror up against the front door, and looked around my front room. I decided I needed to figure out why the antique chinese checkers board wasn’t staying the way it used to on the piano. While the cast iron JFK “Ask not what you can do for your country” was crashing to the floor loudly? The neighbor rang the bell with a big mirror! Now I just need to have the mirror cut to fit the piano piece and I have a cool, one-of-a-kind-until-I-do-it-again mirror!
My husband said “My bookshelves come first, mind you.” About… oh… a year and a half ago? I went to Pittsburgh, spent a day in IKEA gathering Billy Bookshelves, spent the equivalent of 2 full weeks in Lowes and Home Depot, and watched my mother and sons pull trim, assemble bookcases, and put the thing together. Now I still need to caulk and do more painting. I leave everything approximately 85% finished. This way nobody can judge my work. Hey! It’s not finished!