Kitchen design possibility of ridiculous proportion.
It took me noĀ time at all to extrapolate an entire kitchen design fromĀ a singleĀ photo… a photo that is completely indistinct and has nothing to do with anything kitchen-related.
I am just that good.
I walked downstairs and silentlyĀ handed the computer to Paul… ThenĀ I waited patiently, because the concept might not beĀ immediately apparentĀ if you are not blessed with my innate ability and imagination.
Also, the person who speaks first loses.
Paul said– I cannot even begin to guess whatĀ conversation we are about to have.
So I started explaining my ideaā¦ Roughly, it is that you put the plaster pieces at the ceiling like crown molding, but bumped out so that they areĀ flush with the face of our imaginary cabinetry.
This would be glorious.
Obviously.
Let’s take a moment to imagine it.
Paul looked like he was unsure of where to begin, so he just waded right in with irrelevant commentary.
He started saying things like ā plaster… heavyā¦ hugeā¦ ceilingā¦ attachā¦ supportā¦ safetyā¦ structural instabilityā¦ wall collapsing.
I said ā NOPE.
If it came out of a house, it can go INTO a house.
Specifically, our house.
Paul said– this entire idea will look totally bizarre. And half-assed.
I said ā to you, maybe. To me, the gloriousness will outweigh the half-assedness.
Behold:
Paul saidā I cannot imagine doing returns on that.
I said ā returns? What are you talking about?
All you have to do is stick it up there…Ā WHO CARES WHAT THE ENDS LOOK LIKE?
Paul saidā so let me understandā¦ you are proposing a kitchen plan that has nothing to do with the kitchen?
I saidā not at all! THERE IS MORE!
Along with the giant fancy molding, we would acquire some antique, floor-to-ceiling glass doors– in lieu of cabinetry. But specifically ones that are NOT just boringĀ old French doorsā¦ ones that are way more unique and interesting and special, with the original fancy hardware.
(No matter that I have been looking for these for a year, and they have yet to show up.)
Paul said ā ignoring all other considerations, like where you propose we are moving the refrigerator and stove, do you understand HOW TALL 16 inches is? Aside from being completely disproportionate to our house and impossible to work with, that is a lot of wasted space.
Paul has done this to me before ā ruined perfectly glorious ideas by giving me cause to second guess myselfā¦ But I decided, no. Anything this good cannot be bad. It might be difficult and impractical, but that is not the same as wrong.
Paul said ā fine. Please understand that I am not endorsing this idea, but find out what he wants for a few sections, and then we can talk about it more.
I said ā a few sections? I will need to buy ALL OF IT.
Paul said ā eh? What? No. That would be likeā¦ he looked at the computer againā 175 FEETā¦ we only need maybe 25ā¦ What are you going to do with the other 150 feet?
I said ā I will hoard it. It will be the most ultimate hoard ever… People will build SHRINESĀ to me as The Supreme Hoarder.
Probably I will have a national holiday named after me.
Paul said ā I am unsure if you are actually this unstable, or if you just do this to rattle me.
Now.
You read that, right? THE REAL DEAL.
But when I called the guy, it turns out that HIS definition of āthe real deal,ā is FAR different than mine.
The molding is a reproduction. It is real in the sense that it IS plaster/heavy/unwieldy, but NOT real in the sense that it is old/original-to-building-of-magnificence-and-history.
All my enthusiasm drained away.
It is one thing to commit to something ridiculous in the name of giant fancy things from an amazing Gilded Age mansionā¦ It is an entirely different thing to commit to GFTās from a catering hall, circa 1980.
September 9, 2014 @ 4:08 pm
DID you see this?? (Prepare yourself for envy..)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2037644/Victorian-kitchen-remained-untouched-60-years.html
September 9, 2014 @ 4:14 pm
I am just itching to go over the CL text with a red pen…
September 9, 2014 @ 4:27 pm
Dear Victoria
I really wish we were neighbours.
Also if this guy’s products are half as dodgy as his spelling then I think you dodged a bullet.
September 9, 2014 @ 5:16 pm
WOW…. If only you posted more often…..I ENJOY THEM SO MUCH. Did you consider using the repro for the sake of giant fanciness in the yet to be kitchen magnificent? I mean it DOES look really good in the cl photos. But the more IMPORTANT question…Does Paul have a brother….And is he willing to move to Florida….And be cherished by a girl that kind of already has a husband….A GREAT husband, that she loves, and adores…and cherishes…..except that he isn’t handy….or in favor of GFT’s….or even good at placating his wife with the entertaining banter……So……Yeah…. I just thought of how you can pay for the GF kitchen to be…..Rent Paul out to the rest of us……Added Bonus: All the awesome surprise purchases you can collect while he’s gone. LOVE YOUR BLOG ~ ADORE YOU !!!!! SO MUCH!!! Terri
September 9, 2014 @ 5:19 pm
It did not pass the V.E.B. test; it was not gold or shiny or even have a single disco ball. How could it be wonderful enough for you? Honestly, if Liberace would not crawl out of his coffin to arm wrestle you for it … is it even worth your time?
Hold out for the really really really good stuff. We expect nothing less from you (giant and shiny and awkward to haul and install ). It’s nothing without the shiny or the gold.
September 9, 2014 @ 5:27 pm
That looks kind of big and fancy.
September 9, 2014 @ 5:38 pm
I think I heard Paul’s sigh of relief (here in Australia)!
September 9, 2014 @ 5:55 pm
VEB,
Sorry your GFT turned out to be not so great. ***Sigh*** One for Paul’s side. That’s okay, I’ll wait for you to dazzle us all, leave us speechless with your next glorious and unwieldy find generating humor, and have us swooning in your magnificence.
Great post as usual. Thanks for the chuckle…I needed it.
September 9, 2014 @ 6:04 pm
Forgot to add — I love the glass door cabinets.
Please don’t let Paul get accustomed to this idea of winning. The rules as I understand them is you have the Grand Idea and Vision, you find the GFT, and he gets to bring the GFTs home and use his Figure Outter to make it work. None of that foolish logic. Since this one didn’t work, this means that you get to find two new GFTs. It will enhance your standing as the Envy Of All. N’est pas?
September 9, 2014 @ 6:36 pm
I may have found some doors for you. Check out Red Baron antiques,
http://rbantiques.com/inv/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=1&products_id=562
Paul has your number.
September 9, 2014 @ 8:49 pm
Nice, but how about these? It doesn’t say how many “doors” are available in this design. :-/ http://rbantiques.com/inv/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=1&products_id=1136
September 9, 2014 @ 7:07 pm
I think your kitchen ideas are so grand that you should just FILL that wing of the house with KITCHEN. Seriously, that corner is too small to contain the majesty. What if, that corner was a quaint nook and the kitchen filled the rest of that extension? BTW, I LOVE the molding idea. Good luck Paul.
September 11, 2014 @ 9:38 am
I second this idea! For some reason I keep thinking – just jack the roof of the addition up, vault the ceilings, blank slate the walls (ie reconfig windows and doors) for ultimate cabinet placement and then you’ll have room for 16″ of fancy. Also, I am still sold on using these mouldings, but since they are not “the real deal” just sticking to the 25 feet instead of 175?
September 17, 2014 @ 9:05 pm
This concept(without the expense of the ceiling lift) might be the kernel of a really good plan. Moving the kitchen to this lower room would leave you and Paul with a functional kitchen during the remodel. There is a plumbing connection on that level since it has a 1/2 bath. You could install an antique set of French doors to a lovely French flower garden with views of that while you dine. And you could make it as simple or complex as your wonderful sense of style-or mad brain Raccoon- demands. First purchase- Aga stove -I swear I just heard Paul growl-And LAST Purchase! Also It gives you the opportunity to bring that room into a more typical Victorian vibe. Or just enjoy what you have and go……………Dancing!!!!!!! I can assure you looking back across the years from my seventies to my thirties I should have opted for less house obsession and more dancing. Can’t even remember all the houses we labored over and spent so much money on. But I’m sure I would recall more dancing.
September 18, 2014 @ 2:27 pm
Love your suggestion, Judy! Wise and practical;)
September 9, 2014 @ 9:10 pm
There are many items to address here.
1. You are brilliant.
2. Your idea is brilliant
3. Your design is wonderful, and I am currently trying to imagine how to intergrate amazing french doors into my kitchen, which currently makes yours look custom, amazing, and not at all waiting to be torched while I dance gleefully.
4. The holiday should be multinational. I’m Canadian and I support this message.
September 25, 2014 @ 6:56 pm
Shawn ~ All I can say is “Ditto” ;-}
September 9, 2014 @ 9:19 pm
Keep those standards high!!
September 10, 2014 @ 12:23 am
Dear Paul,
Don’t be too relieved, it’s only a matter of time before he comes up with an other completely crazy idea.
Be brave,
Magali
September 10, 2014 @ 1:12 am
Victoria,
I usually read my email at the end of the day, and when I see an email from you with a new blog post I save it for the last like dessert. Yes, your posts are the dessert of my emails and I want to be you in my next life ( I hope that didn’t come across as creepy). Thanks for sharing your randomness with us.
Sherilyn
September 10, 2014 @ 4:48 am
So close, yet so far away.
September 10, 2014 @ 8:10 am
I saw dental, and immediately thought, “oh no, everything dental is miniature, so this is going to be molding that is only a couple inches!”
September 10, 2014 @ 1:05 pm
You should’ve known you can never trust a man who would sell “knule” posts.
September 10, 2014 @ 5:22 pm
Not a real GFT, but a made up GFT, not the same thing. Bummer! I wanted to see you pull it off.
September 10, 2014 @ 6:02 pm
The best part of this is, your next idea, whatever it is, will sound totally reasonable to Paul by comparison. Actually…not whatever it is…but it’s at least a possibility.
And JUST for the record – I did send you a picture of the doors you want. (I still have the picture, which constitutes Documentary Evidence.) I consider the fact that they were located outside Washington, DC to be a mere detail :D.