Kitchen design possibility of ridiculous proportion.
It took me no time at all to extrapolate an entire kitchen design from a single photo… a photo that is completely indistinct and has nothing to do with anything kitchen-related.
I am just that good.
I walked downstairs and silently handed the computer to Paul… Then I waited patiently, because the concept might not be immediately apparent if you are not blessed with my innate ability and imagination.
Also, the person who speaks first loses.
Paul said– I cannot even begin to guess what conversation we are about to have.
So I started explaining my idea… Roughly, it is that you put the plaster pieces at the ceiling like crown molding, but bumped out so that they are flush with the face of our imaginary cabinetry.
This would be glorious.
Let’s take a moment to imagine it.
Paul looked like he was unsure of where to begin, so he just waded right in with irrelevant commentary.
He started saying things like – plaster… heavy… huge… ceiling… attach… support… safety… structural instability… wall collapsing.
I said – NOPE.
If it came out of a house, it can go INTO a house.
Specifically, our house.
Paul said– this entire idea will look totally bizarre. And half-assed.
I said – to you, maybe. To me, the gloriousness will outweigh the half-assedness.
Paul said– I cannot imagine doing returns on that.
I said – returns? What are you talking about?
All you have to do is stick it up there… WHO CARES WHAT THE ENDS LOOK LIKE?
Paul said— so let me understand… you are proposing a kitchen plan that has nothing to do with the kitchen?
I said— not at all! THERE IS MORE!
Along with the giant fancy molding, we would acquire some antique, floor-to-ceiling glass doors– in lieu of cabinetry. But specifically ones that are NOT just boring old French doors… ones that are way more unique and interesting and special, with the original fancy hardware.
(No matter that I have been looking for these for a year, and they have yet to show up.)
Paul said – ignoring all other considerations, like where you propose we are moving the refrigerator and stove, do you understand HOW TALL 16 inches is? Aside from being completely disproportionate to our house and impossible to work with, that is a lot of wasted space.
Paul has done this to me before – ruined perfectly glorious ideas by giving me cause to second guess myself… But I decided, no. Anything this good cannot be bad. It might be difficult and impractical, but that is not the same as wrong.
Paul said – fine. Please understand that I am not endorsing this idea, but find out what he wants for a few sections, and then we can talk about it more.
I said – a few sections? I will need to buy ALL OF IT.
Paul said – eh? What? No. That would be like… he looked at the computer again— 175 FEET… we only need maybe 25… What are you going to do with the other 150 feet?
I said – I will hoard it. It will be the most ultimate hoard ever… People will build SHRINES to me as The Supreme Hoarder.
Probably I will have a national holiday named after me.
Paul said – I am unsure if you are actually this unstable, or if you just do this to rattle me.
You read that, right? THE REAL DEAL.
But when I called the guy, it turns out that HIS definition of “the real deal,” is FAR different than mine.
The molding is a reproduction. It is real in the sense that it IS plaster/heavy/unwieldy, but NOT real in the sense that it is old/original-to-building-of-magnificence-and-history.
All my enthusiasm drained away.
It is one thing to commit to something ridiculous in the name of giant fancy things from an amazing Gilded Age mansion… It is an entirely different thing to commit to GFT’s from a catering hall, circa 1980.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:10 am
You know, you might be better off with the reproduction. Old plaster moldings that came out of a house intact will likely crumble into bits when trying to maneuver them into position and attach them now. Just a thought.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:11 am
Just a tip – you may cause fewer headaches to Paul if you make the research phone call first, and after determining that it is in fact the “real deal”, THEN approaching him with it 😉
I imagine that wouldn’t be nearly as fun though!
September 9, 2014 @ 10:14 am
So…did Paul pay the guy off? 😉
I like the idea of glass-doored cabinets. I mean, not in MY kitchen – I am far too disorganized to show my shelves w/o decent coverage, but yeah.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:18 am
I think you just coined my new motto with ” It might be difficult and impractical, but that is not the same as wrong.”
September 9, 2014 @ 10:18 am
Hilarious as usual! How dare Paul try to talk you out of this one.?
September 9, 2014 @ 10:19 am
I’m kind of hoping that you will still consider buying a knule post and churck style hand rail, so we can all see what they look like.
September 9, 2014 @ 6:36 pm
I’m not sure about a churck style handrail–(maybe CHURCH style handrail?), but I think he means newel post. Knule—LOL!!!!
September 14, 2014 @ 10:22 am
And for the love of all that is holy, it is DENTIL molding, not dental molding. We are talking about architecture here, not mouth guards.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:24 am
Just in case you need some real life plasterwork, this guy has helped with the restorations on some of the Newport mansions, and his work is gorgeous. He sells medallions, wall panels, FULL ROOMS. (And no affiliation aside from the constant stream of drool I have when I look at his site) http://plasterart.com
September 10, 2014 @ 8:11 am
Thanks for posting this. His artwork is amazing!
September 13, 2014 @ 2:40 pm
to die for work, like a wedding cake on the ceiling. so happy this art is being continued. gorgeous!
Marisa Franca @ All Our Way
September 9, 2014 @ 10:25 am
It has to be that Paul paid the guy $900.00 to say it was faux — I’m sure it would have been wonderful.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:27 am
I am always on your side but today, inexplicably, I want to take Paul aside and high give him.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:28 am
uh, high five him.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:32 am
Right, this lot of reproduction moulding may not be right (although, since it’s not the really real deal you might be able to talk him into selling you everything for the $800 – including the churck style hand rail, now that would be Ultimate Hoarding, defo shrine and designated holiday worthy!).
But wow, you have hit on something design wise! I LOVE the way your mock-ups look, wow!
September 9, 2014 @ 11:33 am
I was not liking it until I saw it with the floor to ceiling old glass doors. THAT looks cool.
I know what you mean about not wanting it if it’s a reproduction. There is nothing wrong with caring about a non-material element of the artwork – Conceptual Art is all about that…
Me, I just about paid way too much for open shelves made from railroad cars (I am a licensed freight conductor).
Bridget from Refined Vintage
September 9, 2014 @ 10:14 pm
How cool! Pictures??? I am very intrigued. I would love to see these shelves.
Victoria, I feel your pain. How disappointing, and you had Paul practically installing it already. He’s getting better at accepting his fate.
September 10, 2014 @ 6:08 pm
No Way! I figured you for a Doctor,Designer,Model but freight conductor? As in-coming in close contact with things that are dirty? crawling with spiders? No………………………………….?
September 10, 2014 @ 6:09 pm
sorry this was directed to Ms. Slover
September 9, 2014 @ 10:34 am
Whew! Said Paul…:)
September 9, 2014 @ 10:37 am
All I could think about is how do you keep old, crumbly plaster clean in a kitchen? I do however like the tall door idea.
September 9, 2014 @ 10:38 am
Aww, shucks! I thought you found another “Kingdom” find! Guess they all can’t be winners–but the lows make the highs even higher! Keep on lookin’! LOVE your blog!
September 9, 2014 @ 10:38 am
Awesome!! And? I am TOTALLY with you on the originals being worlds better than the reproductions. Sad but just ending. And just imagine the mileage you can get out of it for future projects with Paul?? “Remember when I didn’t insist on those 16″ moldings? Sooo instead…”
September 9, 2014 @ 10:48 am
Awe, I was laughing. I love the way you planned it all out. Sorry the air was let out of this plan. Keep your eyes on the prize. You will find what you are looking for. Love, Love your blog.
Connie in Hartwood
September 9, 2014 @ 11:01 am
Victoria, dear, keep the photo of this molding if you truly love it this much, and reproduce it with stock and/or custom wood moldings in a size that is perfect when you finally get to the design stage of your imaginary kitchen remodel.
Garden, Home and Party
September 9, 2014 @ 11:05 am
I appreciate your determination to be authentic…who wants Disney-esque crap just for the sake of recreating the “look” of a grand kitchen. Always entertaining. I did love the glass fronted cupboard you created.
Chad's Crooked House
September 9, 2014 @ 11:06 am
We have friends of the family with a falling down 10 bedroom house in Atlantic City that has just the right kind of French doors. I love them so much! If they ever end up selling the place off (as a teardown) you need to be the first to know I think.
September 9, 2014 @ 11:10 am
The last line should be, “AND PAUL REJOICED”.