Kitchen design possibility of ridiculous proportion.
It took me noĀ time at all to extrapolate an entire kitchen design fromĀ a singleĀ photo… a photo that is completely indistinct and has nothing to do with anything kitchen-related.
I am just that good.
I walked downstairs and silentlyĀ handed the computer to Paul… ThenĀ I waited patiently, because the concept might not beĀ immediately apparentĀ if you are not blessed with my innate ability and imagination.
Also, the person who speaks first loses.
Paul said– I cannot even begin to guess whatĀ conversation we are about to have.
So I started explaining my ideaā¦ Roughly, it is that you put the plaster pieces at the ceiling like crown molding, but bumped out so that they areĀ flush with the face of our imaginary cabinetry.
This would be glorious.
Obviously.
Let’s take a moment to imagine it.
Paul looked like he was unsure of where to begin, so he just waded right in with irrelevant commentary.
He started saying things like ā plaster… heavyā¦ hugeā¦ ceilingā¦ attachā¦ supportā¦ safetyā¦ structural instabilityā¦ wall collapsing.
I said ā NOPE.
If it came out of a house, it can go INTO a house.
Specifically, our house.
Paul said– this entire idea will look totally bizarre. And half-assed.
I said ā to you, maybe. To me, the gloriousness will outweigh the half-assedness.
Behold:
Paul saidā I cannot imagine doing returns on that.
I said ā returns? What are you talking about?
All you have to do is stick it up there…Ā WHO CARES WHAT THE ENDS LOOK LIKE?
Paul saidā so let me understandā¦ you are proposing a kitchen plan that has nothing to do with the kitchen?
I saidā not at all! THERE IS MORE!
Along with the giant fancy molding, we would acquire some antique, floor-to-ceiling glass doors– in lieu of cabinetry. But specifically ones that are NOT just boringĀ old French doorsā¦ ones that are way more unique and interesting and special, with the original fancy hardware.
(No matter that I have been looking for these for a year, and they have yet to show up.)
Paul said ā ignoring all other considerations, like where you propose we are moving the refrigerator and stove, do you understand HOW TALL 16 inches is? Aside from being completely disproportionate to our house and impossible to work with, that is a lot of wasted space.
Paul has done this to me before ā ruined perfectly glorious ideas by giving me cause to second guess myselfā¦ But I decided, no. Anything this good cannot be bad. It might be difficult and impractical, but that is not the same as wrong.
Paul said ā fine. Please understand that I am not endorsing this idea, but find out what he wants for a few sections, and then we can talk about it more.
I said ā a few sections? I will need to buy ALL OF IT.
Paul said ā eh? What? No. That would be likeā¦ he looked at the computer againā 175 FEETā¦ we only need maybe 25ā¦ What are you going to do with the other 150 feet?
I said ā I will hoard it. It will be the most ultimate hoard ever… People will build SHRINESĀ to me as The Supreme Hoarder.
Probably I will have a national holiday named after me.
Paul said ā I am unsure if you are actually this unstable, or if you just do this to rattle me.
Now.
You read that, right? THE REAL DEAL.
But when I called the guy, it turns out that HIS definition of āthe real deal,ā is FAR different than mine.
The molding is a reproduction. It is real in the sense that it IS plaster/heavy/unwieldy, but NOT real in the sense that it is old/original-to-building-of-magnificence-and-history.
All my enthusiasm drained away.
It is one thing to commit to something ridiculous in the name of giant fancy things from an amazing Gilded Age mansionā¦ It is an entirely different thing to commit to GFTās from a catering hall, circa 1980.
Laurie
September 9, 2014 @ 11:11 am
The pressure is on VEB. I await this vision with great anticipation!
Michelle @ The Painted Hinge
September 9, 2014 @ 11:20 am
Paul is worried about such a silly thing as doing returns? Well maybe you should “return” Paul if he does not appreciate your mastery of all things glorious, oh Gilded Goddess!
Carol
September 9, 2014 @ 11:30 am
Hilarious as usual. Love the faux plaster with your eyeball lightsā¦
I have to say, I too am with Paul on this one. My Mr. H.C. always says no at first, but sometimes he comes around. Unless it’s too outlandish. They demolished that 80s catering hall for a reasonā¦ š You should have figured it was fake when the guy spelled dentil dental. Come to think of it they do look like teeth.
Dianne
September 9, 2014 @ 11:31 am
God bless and watch over Paul. š
Catharine Slover
September 9, 2014 @ 11:35 am
I was not liking it until I saw it with the floor to ceiling old glass doors. THAT looks cool.
I know what you mean about not wanting it if itās a reproduction. There is nothing wrong with caring about a non-material element of the artwork ā Conceptual Art is all about thatā¦
Me, I just about paid way too much for open shelves made from railroad cars (I am a licensed freight conductor).
Brenda
September 9, 2014 @ 12:01 pm
You kill me. Still LOL.
Michelle from Vancouver
September 9, 2014 @ 12:54 pm
Well, you gave hubby a good laugh! He’s a kitchen designer. He loved your enthusiasm but had to agree with Paul.
You are on the mark with the floor to ceiling glass doors ….super trendy right now, he’s doing that in a lot of kitchens.
Love your posts š
Ann
September 9, 2014 @ 1:11 pm
Now, Victoria, you were in the queen of plaster’s house and you did not think you should maybe consult with her re your plan? I can help you with this, we should collaborate. You can have pieces made less expensively and better fitting than what you found.
Kimberly ~ Serendipity Refined
September 9, 2014 @ 1:13 pm
I just hate it when common sense and feasibility get introduced into what is a perfectly GRAND and obviously ORNATE idea. I have found within the last year that kitchen appliances are highly overrated and we’ve managed nicely without most of them. Besides, Garages are a perfectly fine place for stoves and refrigerators….lots of people in the Midwest have them….some call them “man caves”. It doesn’t matter if you actually intend to use that molding or not. I think that you should get it. After all, it’s the REAL DEAL….just having it on your property at all will make your home (and the surrounding area) more valuable…and decorative! xo
valerie klobe
September 9, 2014 @ 1:14 pm
That was a cruel craigs list ad!! Flag the poster!
Dezingurl
September 9, 2014 @ 2:02 pm
Oh no…..as a designer who loves high concept (aka kingdom touches) I unfortunately have to go with Paul on this one. I love the glass door shelves with large moulding but 16″ would look like a toddler wearing a man’s hat! Any possibility of 8-10″ crown?? If I was near you I would give you a spectacular white with black kitchen that would make you want to move your bed and live in there.
I will gladly and for no $ give you lots of workable advice that would still be magical. But on a budget you have to be really clever and savvy, which describes you to a T!
Lauren Z
September 9, 2014 @ 2:28 pm
Oh, Victoria. Once again, the saintly patience of Paul and that wondrous, insightful eye of yours mimics the dynamic between my husband and me. I am the seer. He is the doer. I am the finder of GFTs and he is the one who asks if I have perhaps had too much coffee today. And he definitely would have come back with words like “weight” and “returns” and “hardware”. There also would have been mention of the sticky issue of “storage” (that’s “hoarding” to you and me). Anywho, great post. Also, slightly unrelated, but not really because now I have an acronym (GFTs) for all that I crave in this world, I just finished this book and I think you would like it: “The Phantom of Fifth Avenue”. I think you and I should don pith helmets and go on safari to Santa Barbara and see this woman’s estate. GFTs to make our heads explode. It’s a good read. Sure to fuel your desire for the fanciest gilded things your robber baron copper mogul father’s money can buy š
Linda @ a design snack
September 9, 2014 @ 2:36 pm
I love your floor to molding glass door cabinets.
I have a thought. If these moldings are real plaster and old and crumbly, they must have come out of some grand building somewhere. How is it possible that there’s another Supreme Hoarder out there who bought these new and kept them in her vault until just now? I think not. Unless of course, there are two other SH’s out there, just waiting to join you and form the Holy Trinity of Hoardom (hm, that sounds bad, how about Hoardism). The world can always use another religion.
julian wait
September 9, 2014 @ 2:54 pm
Saved by the 80s – 1880s!
Kolene
September 9, 2014 @ 3:01 pm
Victoria;
First of all complete I am with you on the moldings, it is a brilliant vision! I was excited right up to the point where you discovered that they were not the historic real deal and Paul may have been correct. I have faith in your creativity though and can not wait to see what comes out of your carpet bag to realize this amazing kitchen.
Beth
September 9, 2014 @ 3:03 pm
You are insane. And I love you!
I look forward to your posts like a child on christmas morning.When I see your name in my mailbox , I cant wait to rip into it!!!!
SCREW writing a blog,or a book. I want the T.V. show!!!
Thanks for sharing your gift of vision and humor.
simply put…
You are insane and I love you
Kiki
September 9, 2014 @ 3:07 pm
aaaaah š Paul must have been SO relieved!
Sue
September 9, 2014 @ 3:37 pm
Love it! Either way, if you build it, he will come. Always love your grand ideas. I like the floor to ceiling glass cabinet idea. Hasn’t Craftsman Kitchens contacted you yet?!
Melissa
September 9, 2014 @ 3:40 pm
There is never one thing you say that I am not bobbing my head up and down in agreement over…ever. Love the way you dream and so thankful you share! It makes me squeal when my inbox says you’ve had another great idea or crazy happening and I simply must stop everything and read all about it!
Sneza
September 9, 2014 @ 3:45 pm
Paul, my darling, you won, buddy. O_O