PERSEVERANCE: the courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.
Something is happening in my life that could mean one of two things:
1. My craziness is escalating.
or
2. Elvis’s impending demise is driving me to seek excessively larger and more mentally-absorbing GFT’s* to experience a feeling other than panic and despair. (*Giant Fancy Thing)
Either way, I have found something. And I cannot unfind it. And I cannot think about anything else. And I am short many dollars.
Up until last weekend, Paul tried to overlook this new development… but eventually he ran into a problem: trying to live in blind ignorance vs the impossibility of disregarding that I am selling all of our belongings.
Months ago, I began a campaign for a new GFT. [redacted photo of new GFT]
I’m sorry that you’ll have to imagine this new item of fanciness, because I am not stupid enough to show it to you and expect everyone to respect my dibs while I try to raise funds.
The funds have been resistant and I’ve had to get creative… these are the options I’ve considered:
1. Start doing sponsored posts.
I want to write about mail-order food-delivery and mattresses EVEN LESS than you want to read about them, but I’m revisiting my motivation behind that.
All along here, I’ve been so smug… I thought: I AM SPECIAL! And, MY BLOG IS SPECIAL! But now I’m unsure WHY I thought I was so special… All I’ve been doing is passing up Craigslist cash in the form of boring you; which in retrospect just seems like laziness, poor planning, and stupidity; so basically, all of the ways I normally ruin everything.
2. Armored car heist.
This seems likely to net what I need, but given my difficulty moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer, I am uncertain of my ability to plan a detailed and time-sensitive burglary.
3. Sell everything we own.
By process of elimination, I’ve chosen this last one: empty out the house.
I started by selling things that I wasn’t attached to… and some of you are going to freak out when I tell you that I sold the card catalog… but do you know what people pay for those things?? A LOT! (I sold them both; the big one and the little one.)
But now I’ve moved on to the stage where I’m selling stuff I do have an attachment to… this fretwork bookcase is a piece of furniture I really LOVE, and getting rid of it was giving me real anxiety until Paul helped inadvertently, by giving me the wrong sales pitch.
He said something to the extent of how we should just keep the crap we have, because our current furnishings are an accurate representation of our lifestyle.
And Self was like– no. Erroneous. Some of our current furnishings are a representation of a sad person’s lifestyle… Self does not wish to be sad!
The morning I emptied out the cabinet for pickup, Paul said – is it possible you are going to regret selling this cabinet? After all, there is no guarantee you’ll get this other thing… You might just end up with an empty wall.
I said – yes. That is possible… but it is also possible that you should prepare yourself to drive to Arkansas.
Paul stood there little longer. Then he said – just to be clear, the plan is: jump out of airplane with no parachute and hope that you can BUY A PARACHUTE ON THE WAY DOWN… that doesn’t seem a little dicey to you?
I said– maybe, yes. But also maybe there is a mid-air, 24-hour, parachute shop. (They probably play disco music and serve those mini bottles of champagne.)
Although, of course since the weekend, I’ve had plenty of time to second guess myself.
But ultimately I’ve decided this: serious people need to make serious decisions. And I am nothing if not serious.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:15 am
I am FINE with sponsored posts.
Also bank heists. I have an uncle or second cousin or something like that in prison for armed robbery; I’m sure I could get advise.
February 16, 2016 @ 11:08 am
We’ll see what I clear after selling all belongings… but I’m actually pretty set with my robbery plans: basically re-watch all scenes with Brad Pitt/Thelma and Louise.
Should work out totally fine.
February 19, 2016 @ 9:25 am
Excuse the intrusion but if you want a spectacular example of a blog using advertisements to insure food on table..or purchase of GFThingys go to
The Art Of Doing Stuff with Karen the Canadian. She is like the Apple Inc. of product placement in Bloggerville. She is almost as funny as you and weirdly industrious. But if I had to take only one Blog to a desert island it would definitely be yours.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:19 am
“dicey”
Love your writing. The entire parachute paragraph made me laugh.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:20 am
Bottom photo – Best. Photobomb. Ever.
EVER.
February 16, 2016 @ 5:27 pm
I totally agree!!! It was great!
February 16, 2016 @ 10:20 am
Girl, get PAID. You go do those sponsored posts, etc. I’ll still read them.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:23 am
Sometimes a girl has to do what she has to do! We all know there are even MORE GFTs out there! 😉 *cheers, sweetpea* xoxo
February 16, 2016 @ 10:25 am
Can’t wait to see what this GFT is!…with all the anguish it has brought on, it better be GOOD! Lol I’m with you on selling “things” to get a much desired “THING” I want!…after all it is just “things”…right? Praying Elvis will go to kitty heaven peacefully!! What a lovely kitty you have! My sweet Buffy went to kitty heaven after 14 years with us!! Bladder cancer…I still miss her and it’s been 8 yrs. She was such a comfort to me when both my Mom and Dad passed…she just sensed something was wrong…curled up in bed with me while I cried my eyes out! Keep selling until you have the amount you need for your GFT!
February 16, 2016 @ 10:25 am
Change can be good ! – goodness knows that this time of year we (in our house) are tired of staring at the same old stuff, because that is what it is – STUFF. Clearly an upgrade is in order! And an open space invites something cool and new (GFTs, in your case) to come right on in 🙂 Good luck with the purchase! I can only imagine what it is, since you already have a PIANO!! LOL
February 16, 2016 @ 10:26 am
Ooooh, HEIST! Partly because I adore the word, and partly because I think it would make excellent blog fodder. I realize that instigating such activity probably makes me partly responsible (I really should have paid MUCH better attention in Criminal Law), so I will even volunteer to bail you out when you inevitably realize you saw the most fabulous GFT in the midst of your heist and can’t resist going back to grab it, thereby ruining your getaway – I would say I’d represent you at your subsequent bail hearing, but see above re: my lackluster Crim Law performance and you will see that it is really far kinder of me to NOT represent you.
(This probably seems extremely overfamiliar for my first comment, but I just finished reading all the way back to the beginning of your blog, so I feel like we are old friends already – um, in a completely all-on-one side way. But I love your writing – I kept reading it on my phone while trying to rock my tiny child to sleep and I had to stop because I kept laughing out loud and waking him up, which caused him to wrinkle his tiny four-month-old brow into a hilarious old-man-looking way and made me laugh harder, resulting in NO SLEEP AT ALL. which was counterproductive. Also, you are my making-a-project-97%-harder-to-be-2%-fancier soulmate – I hand sewed 130 ribbon bow napkin rings for my wedding, because just tying them like a normal human didn’t look quite as cute…) And thus ends the world’s longest comment. Sorry! I am not acquainted with brevity so much.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:27 am
back to Elvis… When it is time, and if it is necessary, there are mobile vets who will come to your home to administer a tranquilizer and then a lethal injection. My beloved Griff , suffering and n pain from kidney failure, died peacefully in my arms at home. Best wishes.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:28 am
So, what’s the GFT that has created this level of lust? And why has its photo been redacted? You have piqued my curiosity.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:33 am
Yes, bottom photo is not showing
February 16, 2016 @ 10:28 am
You are clearly losing your mind. For the first time EVER, there is a typo in your blog. I was convinced I would NEVER see a typo from you and now I know you are human. 🙂
“But now I’m unsure WHY I though I was so special… ”
^
February 16, 2016 @ 10:39 am
THANK you for pointing this out… apparently spellcheck thinks that is a word.
I once nearly used “hordes” instead of “hoards” and only caught it on the 95th proofread… I live in fear of inadvertently looking like an idiot. (I’m fine with idiocy I am aware of.)
February 16, 2016 @ 10:49 am
LOL We all know you’re brilliant with your GFW (giant fancy words) I picture you running spell check until your computer starts smoking and then having a small crew of geniuses on standby to proof your blogs over and over before you post. Thanks for the laughs!
February 16, 2016 @ 11:10 am
You even spin gold out of typos. Brilliant, my dear. I didn’t realize that I believe that same thing. Idiocy I’m aware of!
February 16, 2016 @ 10:30 am
Love jumping out of the plane & getting the parachute on the way!
You’ve got this!
And my oh my! I’m so stoked you share all the fun with us 🙂
February 16, 2016 @ 10:31 am
Love your blog!
February 16, 2016 @ 10:31 am
I agree. Do sponsored posts. Why not make people smile AND make money?
I just wish I lived closer to you and could take advantage of your GFT castoff items.
Also your Average-sized FT. If such a thing exists.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:32 am
This is both hilarious and fantastic. If you’re gonna be a Bear Be a Grizzly-or (I gotta a bunch of these) No Guts-No Glory. And Self is gloriously Gutsy! My complete engagement with this strategy is its departure from our present zeitgeist of-if everybody’s buying granite and stainless then I have to have it,otherwise people will whisper and point fingers and giggle over my complete failure to CONFORM….I don’t wanna conform…but I have to admit that granite at its most exotic and colorful is BEEUTEEFULL! You go girl and if you are happy with the result then that is what matters. And if you’re not- me thinks Self always has a Plan B! You live there and we don’t– although given an invite?…….and of course magical blessings to Ms. Elvis..If good thoughts could cure her she would be immortal….Who knows, in her next reincarnation, she may show up at your door as a Cheetah
February 16, 2016 @ 10:35 am
There’s nothing wrong with sponsors, or advertising for that matter, as long as it doesn’t get intrusive. A girl has to get money for the good stuff, eh? 🙂
February 16, 2016 @ 10:36 am
You MUST come to Arkansas for the GFT. You have fans here!
And now my spare time shall be consumed with stalking the desired GFT. I must know what it is!
February 16, 2016 @ 3:42 pm
Your Arkansas friends will cheerfully help you with the heist portion of your plan. We’re southern and so we are friendly like that. Come see us!
February 16, 2016 @ 10:39 am
Why amy? W H Y.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:40 am
I think as long as you let us know up front that it’s going to be a sponsored post, I’m cool with it.
Also, maybe just a clue as to the general nature of the GFT? Because I’m going to spend all day trying to figure it out.
February 16, 2016 @ 10:41 am
DO SPONSORED POSTS! I am sure they will be as entertaining as all your posts are, which is why I read yours. I certainly don’t expect you to provide such fun to us readers for free! then we can all say we knew you when you have your own comedy decorating show on HGTV. : )