Wait… WHERE is the sofa?
Paul was out Saturday morning… but when he got home, it didn’t take him very long to say— wait… where is the sofa?
And I was like— I sold it! I told you: I AM SELLING EVERYTHING.
He said— yes… but… where will people sit?
And I said— on the floor! LOOK HOW SPACIOUS IT IS NOW THAT THERE IS NO SOFA!
Once upon a time, I bought the English Roll Arm sofa from Restoration Hardware… it was white, because I had temporarily taken leave of my senses and forgotten that I am someone who should never own a white sofa.
I bought it shortly after the living room and dining room were finished— rooms that had been so unlivable for so long, that the transformation was almost unbelievable.
And somehow, buying a brand-new, pristine sofa seemed to hold some deeper life-meaning… like maybe NOW I would start being the new/relaxed/better version of myself I’ve been meaning to get around to.
And apparently that version has a summer cottage on Nantucket… I would guess that she also has a lot of nautical-themed home-accents, wears trendy statement-jewelry to the beach, and does not care if her passel of dogs and children destroy everything… because she can afford to buy more.
This is the ultimate problem with trying to be someone else – YOU ARE STILL YOU.
It can be very inconvenient.
In reality, I am a very stern and unbending person who also enjoys ridiculously over-the-top ornamental objects but can only afford the broken-sort-of-crappy-ones.
My furniture should reflect this.
But at the time I was OBSESSED with this particular sofa… it’s a beautiful piece of furniture, it’s just that it’s NOT ME AT ALL!
And I should add that this was before the wardrobe and The Kingdom Mirror, so there was plenty of space for me being brainwashed by too many inspiration-photos-of-Nantucket-imaginary-lady-lifestyle.
Shortly after the living room was finished, I drove by a Restoration Hardware outlet… and as I walked in, they were bringing out the EXACT sofa I wanted!
In the moment, it was an easy choice.
It was still wrapped in the delivery plastic, because whoever ordered it failed to measure their space correctly. And it was ONLY $1,000. (Please use the word “only” in the loosest sense possible.)
“Only” seemed to apply because with tax and delivery, this sofa will run you close to $4,000 brand new… I have no idea who spends that on a sofa (—> says the woman eager to spend way more on something far less practical).
And can I just add that with the exception of Ikea, the price range for a large sofa is shockingly high, considering it’s basically some two-by-fours and foam.
But over time, I started to question spending so much money on something completely uninteresting and utterly non-GFT* (*Giant Fancy Thing)… especially as you can see, that there is NOTHING about this room now, that wants a sofa from Restoration Hardware.
Paul tried to make me feel better by pointing out that we DO genuinely need a place to sit… and that theoretically that seating should be comfortable… and that ALSO theoretically, that seating should not collapse under our guests… you know, just as a matter of courtesy.
But it didn’t matter… for me, once I am disillusioned with something, there is no re-illusioning.
I ended up seeing the sofa as a representation of my own failure to think rationally and critically… and it is not lost on me that I am applying those feelings to possibly the only purchase in this house that MOST people would feel was reasonable.
There was another element too: I began to see the purchase as uncomfortable evidence of my susceptibility to advertising… I was grouchy that I unwittingly participated in aspirational-internet-brainwashing.
Dedicating space in my house to a SOFA that could otherwise be used for SOMETHING FANCY = not what I am about.
Then, in what I presume was a move to rub salt in my wound, RH sent me a catalog equivalent to the weight of a small child… any company that sends out 20 pounds of paper for you to throw in your recycling bin are pretentious asses, no matter how good their visual design team is.
Also, yes FINE. There is the tiny detail of how I knew I could sell it for significantly more than I paid and how I need money for the mystery GFT.
And now I am going to be really serious for a few paragraphs and try to rectify what I see as a horrible moral failing on my part.
I have real anxiety about telling you this, because I think you are entitled to judge me as unbelievably ignorant: after I got the sofa home, I realized that the cushions were wrapped with a down layer around the foam.
I cannot overstate my horror.
Down (and any fur product!) are atrocious torture for the animals… and somehow I managed to support this barbaric practice.
If you’re unfamiliar with this heartbreaking industry, I hope you’ll take a minute to educate yourself… here is a very brief overview… there is also a short, two-minute video that I hope you’ll consider watching. Is it easy to watch? No. It is horrible… But if we allow ourselves to turn away because our feelings are inconvenient, this unspeakable life of misery for these animals will continue.
So! Sofa! Let’s recap:
1. not a GFT.
2. made out of morally-abhorrent material.
Girl, no. Bye.
I’ve rearranged the furniture, and because I am so prepared a hoarder, I have enough chairs in this house to seat a small army. Maybe even a medium-sized one. So I am not necessarily in a hurry to replace it.
Although– SURPRISE! There is a sofa on Craigslist that I’ve been watching.
I actually went to look at it and I did really like it, but I could not come to an agreement on price with the seller because she does not realize that I am the ONLY person who will buy the thing from her because:
A– it is horribly uncomfortable, and
B– everyone I’ve showed a photo of it to has said something to the extent of: that is really hideous… by which I assume they mean glorious awesomeness that they will be jealous of.
If I could have gotten it for a REALLY good price, I would have bought it; but right now my priorities are not seating… I have one goal: put all money towards Arkansas fund.
I also looked at this sofa because it is fairly inexpensive at $500, and matches the ottoman, but then I was like, ummm hello? Is that a GFT? No. It is not. SO I DO NOT NEED TO BUY IT.
see all my favorite Craigslist finds
February 23, 2016 @ 10:56 am
I have slightly cracked rib from slipping on the ice next week, messy house, raging deadlines, news as of three minutes ago that children have early dismissal on account of as-yet-nonexistent snow–and yet I had to drop everything to read this post. Reaction on completion: feel ready for anything.
February 23, 2016 @ 10:57 am
Argh I slipped LAST week (to be precise, Tuesday at 9:32 in the morning as I was carrying Goodwill stuff to car and taking my husband to the Acela)
February 23, 2016 @ 11:00 am
I thought you were just extraordinarily well-organized…
February 23, 2016 @ 11:05 am
Next week I have an all-new blunder schedule.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:09 am
Nature abhors a vacuum, they say, so surely that empty space will soon be filled with something more worthy (and definitely fancier).
February 24, 2016 @ 3:03 pm
An ottoman that looks like a giant soda cracker and is larger than the mirror-back settee it serves seems a bit anti-fancy, but fashion eludes me and I may just be revealing my ignorance. My cats are riveted my your blog, and I too enjoy it.
April 20, 2016 @ 9:29 am
Yes. Your blog is fabulous. Your mania is shared. However the ottoman deserves it’s own special place in “Architectural Egest”
February 23, 2016 @ 10:56 am
You are hysterical!
and that ottoman has to go……Love your floors — love the settee -now get an appropriate rug! – i am getting my great grandmother’s settee reupholstered this month — removing the original gold velvet and bringing it into 2016! —-
your blog is awesome!
February 23, 2016 @ 10:57 am
Paul must wonder each day what will be missing and what new GFT will be in its place when he returns from work. One thing seems certain, being Mr. V.E.B will always be intetesting. 🙂
February 23, 2016 @ 11:04 am
Never a dull moment. You are hilarious.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:05 am
So, did you make money on the “bargain” RH sofa? I hope so, that way you can buy the beauteous piece that you love before someone less worthy grabs it! I get caught up in the whole RH sales pitch too. I have several friends and some family that love their furniture, but it really isn’t my style and like you said, we have to be who we are. Right?
P.S. what’s going on in the kitchen? I’m a kitchen fanatic and can hardly wait to see the finished product.
xo,
Karen
February 23, 2016 @ 11:06 am
Ottoman – out! I bet you can make some money on it. Don’t buy a hideous sofa; it may well be a really hideous sofa. Don’t buy anything you have to decide on in a New York minute. Buy things that you can ponder for a week or more. Everything worth having is worth waiting for. I’m old, I know this!
You make me laugh, and I thank you for that!!!!!!!!
February 23, 2016 @ 11:14 am
This is a lame question, but what is GFT???
February 23, 2016 @ 11:16 am
Giant Fancy Thing… NOT a lame question! My own fault for assuming you can read my mind.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:17 am
Ok, you totally crack me up – I had to go back to all your links and was laughing my head off at the one where you acquired the wardrobe!! Can’t wait to find out what GFT has caught your eye to the point that you need to sell EVERYTHING ELSE YOU OWN – but no doubt it will be awesome!!
February 23, 2016 @ 11:23 am
Never ending source of amusement, fascination, like minded thinking……you just amaze me,VEB.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:30 am
Oh wow, so glad I read the comments too. I mistook GFT for god forsaken thing….LOL Those wonderful things we want but our wallets say “are you kidding” but we still skimp on those litte unnecessary items like food to have.
Oh yeah, totally relating right now!
February 23, 2016 @ 11:57 am
Actual lol… if you asked my husband he’d agree with your original guess.
February 27, 2016 @ 10:30 am
GFT
Love this idea!!
I have been collecting and fixing things for years! You are fun fun fun
February 23, 2016 @ 11:32 am
Hi Victoria, another great laughter inducing post. I’m doing this in comments because you aren’t responding to your private message on Facebook. Could it be you don’t know about the magic of Messenger? I’d like to pay for you to come to a huge antique show in New England and talk about blogging etc. Any interest? PM Me please!
February 23, 2016 @ 11:50 am
Once the fb messages pile up too much, I can’t open them anymore (which, uh, I guess I will include in my talk of “what not to do.”)
February 23, 2016 @ 11:33 am
LOVE your blog but just had to chime in to say be careful of the scale of your pieces. Yes I realize the irony of saying that due to what GFT stands for. But the massive wardrobe and island-sized ottoman are seriously fighting with and dwarfing the victorian sofa so it looks like a dollhouse piece. Seriously, go back and really look at the photo again under the “Girl, no. Bye.” caption and you’ll see it.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:39 am
Don’t worry, I agree! I am going to fix that because soon everything will be equally giant!! (Or the entire house will be empty.)
February 23, 2016 @ 11:35 am
I so enjoy this site and your humor:)
I link to your “Manifesto Against the Tyranny of Luxury Kitchens” frequently when answering questions on the Houzz forum when internet brainwashing and HGTV marketing has convinced someone their very pretty kitchen is not up to snuff – usually because it is not white.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:39 am
You seriously made my day.
xoxo
February 23, 2016 @ 3:51 pm
Jeanne, I would love to read some of those conversations…can you link it right here?
Victoria, I trust your gut instincts. Even thinking about starting a GoFundMe for your gft habit! Why not?
February 23, 2016 @ 11:37 am
While I loved the LOOK of the white couch, especially at Christmas, with the GIANT red bows on the cushions, I did always feel it didn’t quite fit into your sense of STYLE. Read as old, giant, fancy, Victorian, sparkly and generally magnificent! Keep looking. I’m quite sure you’ll stumble into the perfect sofa, for FREE, kind of like the piano for your awesome island!
February 23, 2016 @ 11:46 am
So anxious to see what you find to replace the sofa with. On another note, did I miss a post in which you might have revealed the finished piano island? If not, how can you keep us in such suspense? Please, show us this brilliant display of ingenuity!
February 23, 2016 @ 11:50 am
lol and yes the ottoman has to go. Quickly.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:56 am
What is this Arkansas Fund?? ARE YOU SELLING THE KINGDOM MIRROR??
February 23, 2016 @ 1:20 pm
PLEASE don’t sell the Kingdom Mirror! It makes me feel happy that you have it and it is safe and sound in your house! You must not sell the Kingdom Mirror, the ottoman is another story!
February 23, 2016 @ 12:09 pm
I have just signed papers to take on a new house – that needs lots of work! AND the paint color on your living room walls is what I need for my new “project”. Will you share?
February 23, 2016 @ 12:17 pm
Eggnog by Behr. It’s a light yellow. I looked at 47,000 shades of paint, so I feel confident endorsing it as the ultimate wall color.
Depending on the light or time of day, it might look white or cream in the photos, but it’s distinctly yellow, especially next to white trim.
More photos in my FAQ post: http://victoriaelizabethbarnes.com/red-front-door-paint-and-faq/
February 23, 2016 @ 8:54 pm
Just in case you want another lighter hue, I have been using Pam’s Lace by Valspar. It’s a cream that also changes with the light and looks good with white trim. Good luck! I’m nearing the end of singlehandedly painting our 1900 square ft Victorian.
February 23, 2016 @ 12:11 pm
The ottoman has to go. I am sure you are aware that some of the older chairs and sofas have horse hair in them.
February 23, 2016 @ 12:19 pm
I just wanted to put your mind at ease a bit and explain that PETA greatly exaggerates. Live-plucking is actually a pretty rare practice. It is illegal in most countries and is actually twice as expensive as simply using the feathers that are a by-product of the food-processing industry. Since most companies are all about cutting expenses, they would be very unlikely to use live-plucking.
Happy GFT hunting!
February 23, 2016 @ 12:42 pm
Live-plucking is *not* rare. I’m not sure where you are getting that information.
*Over* 50% of down (and leather, fur, angora) sold in America comes from China where they have zero animal welfare regulations. (Google bear bile farms and you will see the extent to which China is comfortable abusing animals.)
February 23, 2016 @ 8:56 pm
There’s “down alternative” which is actually more comfortable, in my opinion and hypoallergenic to boot.
February 23, 2016 @ 11:10 pm
Love down alternative! Those puffer coats totally overwhelm me, like they are on steroids! Down alternative comforters are wonderful also, in my opinion.
February 28, 2017 @ 11:59 am
PETA has a lot of faults, but exaggerating animal abuse is not one of them. Incidentally, animals are not ours to use- so whether down feathers are “live-plucked,” or what you callously refer to as a byproduct, they are abhorrent and unnecessary.