My people… If I could lock you in my basement, I would.
I have never once in my entire life done anything practical.
I have spent 36 years wearing a superhero cape and telling people I have magical powers.
I have leapedĀ off more buildings than I can count.
ScreamingāIāM SUPERMAN.
And then crashing into the pavement.
It has given me all kinds of problems.
Not to mention whiplash.
And also the realization that I lack the gene to learn from my mistakes.
In its place, I got an extra gene.Ā Of self-delusion.
The ability to cling to an idea regardless of reality.
Q:Ā Where did Rocky get the Kingdom mirror? Ā
Rocky does clean-outs. Ā It was in a storage unit. Ā
Q: How tall? Slightly over 8′. Ā Ceiling is 9′.
I started this blog with the conviction that people would find me via magic and unicorns.
And the disparity between what my imagination had planned, and actual reality?
Has been a little soul-crushing.
And irritating.
Not to mention how unicorns are totally unreliable.Ā Flaky.
So distracted by rainbows and deep-conditioning their manes.
But I have told myself that if I JUST KEPT GOING.Ā It would be worth it.
After all, my parents promised me that hard work always pays off.
Although, I donāt think they took into consideration how one day I might wake up and decide to spend all my free time doing what is essentially quirky performance-art for strangers.
Thatās what blogging is: the millennium-version of mimes.Ā You donāt see those people anymore, do you?Ā No.Ā You donāt.Ā They all went home and washed their faces and started a blog.
The story of the mirror in the foyer is here.Ā If you want to know how we mounted it to the wall.
For an entire year, I have been standing on your lawn in my mime-outfit.
In the rain and the snow.
Believing that if I loved youĀ enough.
SURELY YOU WOULD LOVE ME BACK.
But sometime in the last few months, I started to doubt my plan.
I was cold.Ā And tired. Ā And it was like you didnāt even see me.
Was I at the right house?
Were you away?
And I started to notice that there were all kinds of other mimes on your lawn.
Squatters.Ā Vying for your attention.
Some of them had way nicer leotards than me.
I wanted to kick them all in the shin.
Until last Tuesday. Ā When the unicorns FINALLY showed up.
It would be impossible for me to overstate my euphoria.
Which for most people translates into gratitude to a higher powerā¦ and for me, translates into wanting to lock you all in my basement so you can never leave me.
For a week, I did nothing but sit in front of my pageview-counter and hit refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
REFRESH.
REFRESH.
It was the most productive week of my life.
I totally abandoned all pretense of real work.Ā Or real life.Ā Or real anything.
I am the last person on the planet who has actual paperwork to deal with, and I just lit it on fire.
I stopped answering email.
I ate peanut butter out of the jar and let the laundry pile up.
I did not shower or brush my teeth.
When people asked me if Iād finished x or y or z.
I just screamed at themāMY BLOG!!!!
MY PEOPLE.
THEY EXIST.
And if they didnāt understand, I tried to convey my sheer, overwhelming joy, through interpretative dance.
Every single thing that I have ever failed to do has been rectified by the fact that 55,000 people shared me on Facebook.
If that doesn’t make sense to you, thatās fine.Ā But this is a blog about me.
The people Iāve been looking for ALL MY LIFE.
Actually exist.
They feel that they ARE me.
And I am them.
This is going in my file titled: Ā proof.
Proof of what exactly? Ā I don’t know.
Proof, whichĀ Paul points out is both unpaid, AND has me awake at three A.M.
Manic and clutching my phone to see if anyone else liked me on Facebook.
If YOU are one of the twenty-seven billion people on Facebook who have NOT liked me?
I donāt know why you would do that to yourself.
You can go ahead and fix that right now.
I spent the first three days swinging from the chandelier. Ā And throwing myself on the floor in delight.Ā And jumping up and doing it again.Ā Because with me, once is never enough.
All day, and all night, I hunched over my keyboard. Ā Rubbing my hands together and mumbling: come on baby.Ā Hit me.Ā Hit me.Ā Hit me.
Biting my nails that the highlight of my entire life was happening RIGHT NOW.
And trying to divide 55,000 Facebook shares into the scope of human existence.
By the fifth day. I was mostly sitting in a corner. Rocking back-and-forth and sobbing.
Because nothing this good will ever happen again.
Basically, my life is over.
Like if Christmas only came once in your entire life.
And after that, you had to live in a dark hole.
No matter HOW GOOD the presents were?
I don’t think anyone would be very excited about that.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.Ā
July 2, 2013 @ 1:16 pm
You don’t have to lock me up in the basement… I love your free spirit. I love the fact that you waited for me while out in the snow and rain with all the other mimes, yet did not give up. I am joined at your hip now. Blog on sister.. Blog on.. I will be cheering from the sidelines and sharing your blog every time… It would be a loss for someone else not to see it, if I didn’t.. Have a blast with the blog… Look more and more great craiglist finds.. Also, your house is beautiful..
July 2, 2013 @ 1:20 pm
I think part of the appeal of your blog is your writing has a voice to it. That voice is familiar to just about everyone who reads it. It’s disarming and light hearted. Enjoy your success. I know we will. š
PS. I think my blog’s voice is more like your Dad reading the VCR instructions out loud. Meh, that’s ok.
July 2, 2013 @ 1:24 pm
Wow! I am thrilled for you and your success. I have been a reader for a while and I so look forward to your posts as they are informative and absolutely funny. You are a wonderful storyteller and I think you are only going to increase in followers. Loved going though your house with you and Paul, what a man. š Good luck, and I wish you much success! OBTW I get your email, I do not follow you on Facebook but maybe I should. I would hate for my friends to miss out on all the wonderful things you have to say.
July 2, 2013 @ 1:29 pm
Also want to say love that your cat is all “Nothing to see here, move along, I’m busy.”
July 2, 2013 @ 1:38 pm
I thought I had the energy of 3 puppies, wow! Clearly you have the energy of a whole litter. And I’m guessing a very patient, adoring husband who is learning how to handle that energy š I predict your blog will be picked up by a magazine or the blog gods or something. Your writing is interesting and entertaining and best of all people can relate to it. Everyone likes someone who knows how they feel. Clearly a lot of us feel that way about your writing. Keep it up please!
July 2, 2013 @ 1:39 pm
I was so unnerved..fearing you were going to say it is not worth it and I am not doing this anymore! Even if you only had a very few thousand readers..we love it…I found you because of the mirror story and immediately emailed the link to my friends who also got a very nice enjoyable laugh out of it! You so remind me of my sweet friend who describes her day very much in the same way! So fun! Keep on trucking and we will keep on reading , and don’t worry about the numbers. That is not why we become joined to you!
July 2, 2013 @ 2:01 pm
I didn’t find you via Facebook, but rather the kitchen forum on the gardenweb. A gappy day indeed. You are the only blog I have ever followed – still not quite sure what a blog actually is, but who cares?
July 2, 2013 @ 2:02 pm
Oops, “happy” not “gappy”.
July 2, 2013 @ 2:02 pm
I was introduced to your blog by my husband (who saw it on Facebook) accompanied by the following comment “have you read this blog? It’s you” I think he also felt like he and your husband are kindred souls dragged into the land of crazy…..
July 2, 2013 @ 2:03 pm
Love you, have loved you for a long time, love your blog, love love love!
July 2, 2013 @ 2:03 pm
So glad to have found your blog! Congrats on all of your success š
July 2, 2013 @ 2:34 pm
You are wonderfully funny, quirky and creative. I’m very happy so many thousands will now have the chance to enjoy your blog! I’m proud to be an original fan. š
July 2, 2013 @ 2:37 pm
You are AMAZING and I’m so glad I found your blog last week. I can’t stop talking about you…I think all of my friends think I have a girl crush on you (which, let’s be honest, I probably do). Last week, when I read your mirror post, I was CRYING I was laughing so hard. You’re brilliant – keep it up! Congratulations on all of your success.
P.S. If your husband has a single brother, can you send him my way? He pretty much rocks too.
July 2, 2013 @ 2:40 pm
When I shared your post on my page, and saw it go viral amongst my little crew , I got the smuggest feeling of satisfaction. I helped! I helped! XOXOX and disco balls, sjpbf
July 2, 2013 @ 2:42 pm
I adore you! You make me smile! š I found you via facebook and am a lifetime reader now!!
Blessings~
July 2, 2013 @ 2:58 pm
I’m ecstatic I found you!
Your love of Victorian homes and unicorns makes me wonder if we may be related.
July 2, 2013 @ 3:02 pm
Victoria~ Your blog post about finding the “Kingdom Mirror” was the MOST ENTERTAINING thing I have read in a VERY LONG TIME!! You are abundantly blessed with the gift of storytelling! You see, it wasn’t just the majestic mirror that intrigued me, but the WAY you told the story!! I immediately said to myself, through my fits of laughter, “Now THIS is girl I want to know!” My Mom is a reading FANATIC! She has an unparalleled passion for the written word. It is not unusual for her to insist that I sit down and listen to passages from whatever book she is reading at the time. This habit probably comes from her 38 years of being a school teacher…… she simply cannot contain her desire to share things that “inspire”.
Sunday afternoon, my Mom and I decided to do some “treasure hunting” at a few local thrift and second hand junk stores. By the time we arrived back at my house, we were exhausted and suffering from an adrenaline hangover….you KNOW, the inevitable drain of brain cells that goes along with the anticipation of “the hunt”. I decided we both needed to recharge with a little caffeine! We plopped down together on my sofa with some ice cold sodas and my laptop and proceeded to peruse facebook pages and pinterest. Suddenly it hit me! OMG, for once in my life, I actually have something AMAZING that I CAN READ TO MY MOM—YOUR BLOG POST!! So I quickly found it in my “bookmarks” and told her, “Sit back and relax Mom, I HAVE to read you to most incredible blog post!” Haha….the tables had turned!! I read your post out loud from start to finish sharing the blog photos along the way and trying to keep my Mom from reading ahead of me on the computer screen!! LOL!! She reacted to it the same way I did—-Laughing hysterically at your witty storytelling skills and at the end, wanting to read MORE from YOU!!! So, Victoria……no worries about the future, just be YOU! Tell us your stories and share your view of the world in the way that is uniquely and wonderfully YOU!! Standing Ovation!!
July 2, 2013 @ 3:07 pm
oh Christy…love your experience! I did almost the same..emailed all my fwends..!!!!
July 2, 2013 @ 3:05 pm
I found your blog via a friend emailing me the craigslist ad post, and then seven hours later I looked up from my keyboard after I had read all your posts. I TOTALLY think this is just the beginning for you! There MUST be a book deal in your future!
July 2, 2013 @ 3:06 pm
How did I not know you had a Facebook page? You’re an amazing person.
AND…I love the bit about performance art and blogging being the current medium of mimes. You’re the best. Truly.
So, thank you for sharing your page. I will totally share you with people. Because THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE YOU!!!
Do you have a theme song yet? š
July 2, 2013 @ 3:20 pm
I am sure it is obvious that I love your blog because I share your love for very shiny, very old things, and for arguably eccentric ways of broadcasting that love to the world. I also identify with the mania (though mine tends to have a slightly less sunshine-y cast). But possibly, also, not hitting the same euphoric highs is saving me from some head injuries. I am now worried about you.
I think shopping is the answer.