My people… If I could lock you in my basement, I would.
I have never once in my entire life done anything practical.
I have spent 36 years wearing a superhero cape and telling people I have magical powers.
I have leapedĀ off more buildings than I can count.
ScreamingāIāM SUPERMAN.
And then crashing into the pavement.
It has given me all kinds of problems.
Not to mention whiplash.
And also the realization that I lack the gene to learn from my mistakes.
In its place, I got an extra gene.Ā Of self-delusion.
The ability to cling to an idea regardless of reality.
Q:Ā Where did Rocky get the Kingdom mirror? Ā
Rocky does clean-outs. Ā It was in a storage unit. Ā
Q: How tall? Slightly over 8′. Ā Ceiling is 9′.
I started this blog with the conviction that people would find me via magic and unicorns.
And the disparity between what my imagination had planned, and actual reality?
Has been a little soul-crushing.
And irritating.
Not to mention how unicorns are totally unreliable.Ā Flaky.
So distracted by rainbows and deep-conditioning their manes.
But I have told myself that if I JUST KEPT GOING.Ā It would be worth it.
After all, my parents promised me that hard work always pays off.
Although, I donāt think they took into consideration how one day I might wake up and decide to spend all my free time doing what is essentially quirky performance-art for strangers.
Thatās what blogging is: the millennium-version of mimes.Ā You donāt see those people anymore, do you?Ā No.Ā You donāt.Ā They all went home and washed their faces and started a blog.
The story of the mirror in the foyer is here.Ā If you want to know how we mounted it to the wall.
For an entire year, I have been standing on your lawn in my mime-outfit.
In the rain and the snow.
Believing that if I loved youĀ enough.
SURELY YOU WOULD LOVE ME BACK.
But sometime in the last few months, I started to doubt my plan.
I was cold.Ā And tired. Ā And it was like you didnāt even see me.
Was I at the right house?
Were you away?
And I started to notice that there were all kinds of other mimes on your lawn.
Squatters.Ā Vying for your attention.
Some of them had way nicer leotards than me.
I wanted to kick them all in the shin.
Until last Tuesday. Ā When the unicorns FINALLY showed up.
It would be impossible for me to overstate my euphoria.
Which for most people translates into gratitude to a higher powerā¦ and for me, translates into wanting to lock you all in my basement so you can never leave me.
For a week, I did nothing but sit in front of my pageview-counter and hit refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
REFRESH.
REFRESH.
It was the most productive week of my life.
I totally abandoned all pretense of real work.Ā Or real life.Ā Or real anything.
I am the last person on the planet who has actual paperwork to deal with, and I just lit it on fire.
I stopped answering email.
I ate peanut butter out of the jar and let the laundry pile up.
I did not shower or brush my teeth.
When people asked me if Iād finished x or y or z.
I just screamed at themāMY BLOG!!!!
MY PEOPLE.
THEY EXIST.
And if they didnāt understand, I tried to convey my sheer, overwhelming joy, through interpretative dance.
Every single thing that I have ever failed to do has been rectified by the fact that 55,000 people shared me on Facebook.
If that doesn’t make sense to you, thatās fine.Ā But this is a blog about me.
The people Iāve been looking for ALL MY LIFE.
Actually exist.
They feel that they ARE me.
And I am them.
This is going in my file titled: Ā proof.
Proof of what exactly? Ā I don’t know.
Proof, whichĀ Paul points out is both unpaid, AND has me awake at three A.M.
Manic and clutching my phone to see if anyone else liked me on Facebook.
If YOU are one of the twenty-seven billion people on Facebook who have NOT liked me?
I donāt know why you would do that to yourself.
You can go ahead and fix that right now.
I spent the first three days swinging from the chandelier. Ā And throwing myself on the floor in delight.Ā And jumping up and doing it again.Ā Because with me, once is never enough.
All day, and all night, I hunched over my keyboard. Ā Rubbing my hands together and mumbling: come on baby.Ā Hit me.Ā Hit me.Ā Hit me.
Biting my nails that the highlight of my entire life was happening RIGHT NOW.
And trying to divide 55,000 Facebook shares into the scope of human existence.
By the fifth day. I was mostly sitting in a corner. Rocking back-and-forth and sobbing.
Because nothing this good will ever happen again.
Basically, my life is over.
Like if Christmas only came once in your entire life.
And after that, you had to live in a dark hole.
No matter HOW GOOD the presents were?
I don’t think anyone would be very excited about that.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.Ā
July 2, 2013 @ 3:22 pm
Oh girl, I shared! You better believe I shared. Best piece of writing I have seen in the last year! I shared on Facebook and sent your blog link to my five closest friends and at least one of them is already admitting her addiction. You are crack cocaine to me. I have spent HOURS reading all your past posts and I am raving about you! I even sent the link to a man I am dating and HE loved you too! I am there for you. Call me the next time you need help with a mirror. I can get a plane ticket!
July 10, 2013 @ 8:59 am
This must be my BFF…if not, you sound just like her!!!
July 2, 2013 @ 3:28 pm
I found the link to your blog on Facebook that day as well. After I read that first post I went on to spend over an hour reading other posts. I am in LOVE with your house and the amazing mirrors and can’t wait to see more of it! Buying a rundown old house is something I would love to do but my hubby is not as adventurous as I am. SO I get to live vicariously through you!
July 2, 2013 @ 3:48 pm
What I envy you the most, is your husband. To have a husband that allows you to be you and loves you for it. THAT IS YOUR GREATEST TREASURE in your house.
July 2, 2013 @ 3:51 pm
I am so happy for you! I know I am a page view count refresher myself, and I was totally thrilled when my new little blog made 1500 views. I did a happy dance.
You’re so refreshing. And honest. And FUN.
You seem like a long-lost sister masquerading as a new friend in the form of a complete stranger on the internet who I just feel like I want to know. I love your posts and the attitude you have in them.
You’re probably my favorite blogger. Other than me, of course. But my blog is tiny and new. But I love it.
July 2, 2013 @ 4:03 pm
I love you and your blog it is like a breath of fresh air. You are a fantastic storyteller and an amazing decorator. Your blog is my new favorite and I cannot wait to read more.
July 2, 2013 @ 4:05 pm
I found your post via a fb friend, I now follow by email because you’re quirky, funny, and I also totally get you. I read the whole post to my boyfriend….he got it, too…like your husband, as much as he doesn’t understand why we do these things, he’s right there with a ‘I can’t fight it, I might as well help.’ He’s a keeper.
July 2, 2013 @ 4:14 pm
Love your blog! Like many others have stated, I feel as if you and I are a LOT alike, as far as the impracticality gene and the capacity for getting our own way. I think I would not mind being locked in your basement, if it is as nice as the rest of your house. Is it filled with cast-off treasures? So far I have not shared your blog with any of my friends, because I have not decided which of them are worthy enough. I will get around to that, though, when I am not busy scurrying around collecting my own absurdly infeasible antique pieces. Never mind that there is no room for more, I will always find a way.
July 2, 2013 @ 4:15 pm
I added you to my
Readerfeedly after seeing your mirror post! Look forward to reading your blog.July 2, 2013 @ 4:20 pm
You deserve it! I’m so happy that you’re getting the recognition your blog merits!
I’m just patting myself on the back that I discovered you before the kingdom mirror post, ergo, I’m a better fan, ergo, you probably love me more than all the newcomers. Right? I’m allowed to believe that.
I can’t wait to see what’s next for Victoria Elizabeth Barnes – big things, I’m sure!
July 2, 2013 @ 4:28 pm
Absolutely adore your blog. Your writing style is right up my alley.
And I totally get that you went into a psychotic state of being while watching the numbers roll on your internet odometer. Something happened recently, but on a far less grand scale, to my daughter when she advertised one of our products (that only she makes) on VeryJane.
First there was glee, then euphoria, followed by a slight feeling of dread and finishing off with an ohmygoodnesshowamIgoingtomake700ofthese freak out when she realized that sales are great, but order fulfillment can be very challenging. Especially with a 15-month old in the house.
Keep up the awesome work, and enjoy every minute of the success. We mimes have to stick together!
Vaelrie
July 2, 2013 @ 4:33 pm
Well Victoria, I’m *never* on facebook but I logged on JUST FOR YOU. Yes, JUST FOR YOU. I don’t know if you realize just how special that makes you. Oh, yes. I also “liked” you so there.
July 2, 2013 @ 4:59 pm
Victoria Barnes, You are an inspiration. Correction: you are an INSPIRATION
July 2, 2013 @ 5:46 pm
You crack me up!! Can’t wait to see what you do next..so find another mirror or big rock or something!
Hugs!
Marcia
July 2, 2013 @ 5:59 pm
OMG… I’M A UNICORN!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve been looking for me my whole life and I’ve been right here the whole time! : ) Congratulations on your well-earned success!! -Jamie
July 2, 2013 @ 6:44 pm
My exact quote on FB was, “Who is this woman? I either want to kill her or apply for a post as her best friend.”
That may sound like it’s possibly… not a compliment. It is. You will know this for a fact when you hire me to be your best friend and get to know me.
July 2, 2013 @ 6:48 pm
Hello! You have been linked on dwellinggawker, at least twice! That’s how I discovered your site…the first time, it was your portal to downton/narnia post. And I was so jelly. The second time, it was the shiny mirrors post. Twice jelly. And then I noticed that both posts came from the same blog – yours! And now you’re miming in my yard on the regular, because you are fun and your house and it’s guts are lovely. Congrats on the well-deserved recognition!
July 2, 2013 @ 6:49 pm
I just found you (obviously through all the Facebook sharing) and love you! I’m a little obsessed (in a very non-threatening way, I swear) and have been reading past posts.
We are also renovating an old home and I’m glad I found you to know that I’m not alone in discovering that living in renovations sucks.. And it takes a gabillion times longer than you think it should.
Love from Canada.
July 2, 2013 @ 7:13 pm
Well, someone DID share you. That’s how I found you. š
July 2, 2013 @ 7:15 pm
Oh yeah, and you’re in my Feedly now so I guess we’re…..going steady a little?
š
July 2, 2013 @ 7:33 pm
I found you from someone who shared on FB. I am a new ‘liker’ but I really love you. Facebook needs to come up with a new button JUST for you š
You have space on my navigation tool bar. It is my email, facebook, ebay, my bank and YOU. š