My people… If I could lock you in my basement, I would.
I have never once in my entire life done anything practical.
I have spent 36 years wearing a superhero cape and telling people I have magical powers.
I have leapedĀ off more buildings than I can count.
ScreamingāIāM SUPERMAN.
And then crashing into the pavement.
It has given me all kinds of problems.
Not to mention whiplash.
And also the realization that I lack the gene to learn from my mistakes.
In its place, I got an extra gene.Ā Of self-delusion.
The ability to cling to an idea regardless of reality.
Q:Ā Where did Rocky get the Kingdom mirror? Ā
Rocky does clean-outs. Ā It was in a storage unit. Ā
Q: How tall? Slightly over 8′. Ā Ceiling is 9′.
I started this blog with the conviction that people would find me via magic and unicorns.
And the disparity between what my imagination had planned, and actual reality?
Has been a little soul-crushing.
And irritating.
Not to mention how unicorns are totally unreliable.Ā Flaky.
So distracted by rainbows and deep-conditioning their manes.
But I have told myself that if I JUST KEPT GOING.Ā It would be worth it.
After all, my parents promised me that hard work always pays off.
Although, I donāt think they took into consideration how one day I might wake up and decide to spend all my free time doing what is essentially quirky performance-art for strangers.
Thatās what blogging is: the millennium-version of mimes.Ā You donāt see those people anymore, do you?Ā No.Ā You donāt.Ā They all went home and washed their faces and started a blog.
The story of the mirror in the foyer is here.Ā If you want to know how we mounted it to the wall.
For an entire year, I have been standing on your lawn in my mime-outfit.
In the rain and the snow.
Believing that if I loved youĀ enough.
SURELY YOU WOULD LOVE ME BACK.
But sometime in the last few months, I started to doubt my plan.
I was cold.Ā And tired. Ā And it was like you didnāt even see me.
Was I at the right house?
Were you away?
And I started to notice that there were all kinds of other mimes on your lawn.
Squatters.Ā Vying for your attention.
Some of them had way nicer leotards than me.
I wanted to kick them all in the shin.
Until last Tuesday. Ā When the unicorns FINALLY showed up.
It would be impossible for me to overstate my euphoria.
Which for most people translates into gratitude to a higher powerā¦ and for me, translates into wanting to lock you all in my basement so you can never leave me.
For a week, I did nothing but sit in front of my pageview-counter and hit refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
Refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh, refresh.
REFRESH.
REFRESH.
It was the most productive week of my life.
I totally abandoned all pretense of real work.Ā Or real life.Ā Or real anything.
I am the last person on the planet who has actual paperwork to deal with, and I just lit it on fire.
I stopped answering email.
I ate peanut butter out of the jar and let the laundry pile up.
I did not shower or brush my teeth.
When people asked me if Iād finished x or y or z.
I just screamed at themāMY BLOG!!!!
MY PEOPLE.
THEY EXIST.
And if they didnāt understand, I tried to convey my sheer, overwhelming joy, through interpretative dance.
Every single thing that I have ever failed to do has been rectified by the fact that 55,000 people shared me on Facebook.
If that doesn’t make sense to you, thatās fine.Ā But this is a blog about me.
The people Iāve been looking for ALL MY LIFE.
Actually exist.
They feel that they ARE me.
And I am them.
This is going in my file titled: Ā proof.
Proof of what exactly? Ā I don’t know.
Proof, whichĀ Paul points out is both unpaid, AND has me awake at three A.M.
Manic and clutching my phone to see if anyone else liked me on Facebook.
If YOU are one of the twenty-seven billion people on Facebook who have NOT liked me?
I donāt know why you would do that to yourself.
You can go ahead and fix that right now.
I spent the first three days swinging from the chandelier. Ā And throwing myself on the floor in delight.Ā And jumping up and doing it again.Ā Because with me, once is never enough.
All day, and all night, I hunched over my keyboard. Ā Rubbing my hands together and mumbling: come on baby.Ā Hit me.Ā Hit me.Ā Hit me.
Biting my nails that the highlight of my entire life was happening RIGHT NOW.
And trying to divide 55,000 Facebook shares into the scope of human existence.
By the fifth day. I was mostly sitting in a corner. Rocking back-and-forth and sobbing.
Because nothing this good will ever happen again.
Basically, my life is over.
Like if Christmas only came once in your entire life.
And after that, you had to live in a dark hole.
No matter HOW GOOD the presents were?
I don’t think anyone would be very excited about that.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.Ā
July 2, 2013 @ 11:39 am
I am one of the people that showed up because of Facebook. I love, love, love your blog – you are hilarious and I can so relate to the Craig’s List mirror post. I drag my poor husband all over the place to look for treasures. He know there is no sense in protesting but he does it anyway. It’s all part of the “dance”. Congratulations on all your hard work!!!
July 2, 2013 @ 11:39 am
Victoria, I happened to just stumble over your blog with the “Craig’s List” post.
… I don’t know how exactly, but I am glad I did.
I follow over 200 blogs (weird, I know) but I went back and read every one of your posts.
All funny. All informative š
When I returned yesterday and saw you had OVER 400 comments to that single post, I said to myself, “This girl has arrived!”
Have fun. We’ll all be watching.
Susan
July 2, 2013 @ 11:42 am
I, like all the other thousands of people, found your website via facebook. I instantly fell in love. It’s nice to know there are more of us crazy glitter Victorian loving people out there. When I first moved to Philly it was like a wonderland of decrepit dollhouses just begging for love(or large scale reconstructive decorating). I do not yet own a home, so getting to live vicariously through your magical insanity is a dream come true. If you saw data about someone who spent hours online looking at tons of your old posts, that was me. Keep digging through craigslist and finding the gems for those of us that can’t(or are trying to severely reduce their collecting of collections.) Many many thanks.
July 2, 2013 @ 11:47 am
Yay Victoria! I am happy to have been a slightly “early adopter” of your genius. Just last month I told my husband out loud that I was certain that the VEB blogger that I enjoyed so much is on the cusp of blowing up. I was sure of it, and I had to tell him for the record. So he would be aware of my powers to recognize and foresee greatness. I BELIEVED. I KNEW. I WISHED and hoped and prayed, because if your blog did blow up? This would mean I would get to keep reading, and laughing, and sharing and feeling a little less alone in my own, slightly less fantastic delusions. š And the sweet part? (ok, all of it’s pretty rad) The sweet part is I received the opportunity to tell my husband yet again ” I WAS RIGHT ! “. And am so glad I was!!
I am truly so happy for you Victoria!! Thank you for believing in YOURSELF and YOUR PEOPLE.
Looking forward to your adventures. Thank you!!
July 2, 2013 @ 11:50 am
I’m so happy to have looked out my window and found you on my lawn! (In the MOST beautiful, eye-catching leotard!) You have totally grabbed my attention, as well as my heart. I don’t even feel guilty about the HOURS I’ve spent consuming your blog š I eagerly await your every word!
July 2, 2013 @ 11:50 am
Hi from NC. I am one of the apparent millions of people who read your Craig’s list post last week. I immediately fell in love with you. You are SO much like me. The story reminded me of the time I made my husband, two sons, mother and father drive an hour out of town because someone was “giving” me a hot tub. Well, it took a full day of work to get the hot tub out of her deck, carried a mile to our truck and then (yes I agreed to this) for them to fix her deck back before we left. We got the hot tub home, sat it on our back deck where it proudly became the home to at least one black snake. After five years, we “gave” it away too. It was too far gone to be worth fixing it. But….it was FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! š
July 2, 2013 @ 11:53 am
What I love about you and your blog…your passion, your enthusiasm and your humor. So much of what we read about is sad or worse…this is worth taking time to read, to laugh, to just enjoy…thank you. And, the best part, you make my garage sale buying look pale by comparison and for that I double thank you…keep it up…love it!
July 2, 2013 @ 12:03 pm
I would totally lock you in the basement – but mainly because I can’t do a thing with it.
Only now am I realizing that COVER IT WITH MIRRORS makes the best sense ever.
Hoping my Husband understands when I mirror panel the interior of the garage so it looks like we are driving into ourselves.
But he probably won’t. At least I’ll have you – because of the whole locked in the basement scenario.
I know you’ll understand.
July 2, 2013 @ 12:07 pm
Thanks for making me laugh! I know I’m not the only one who can relate to the addiction of “liked”. “Viral” is not always a bad thing! Can’t wait for your next post! š
July 2, 2013 @ 12:08 pm
O.K., take a breath Ms. swelled head, beloved super blogger.
Don’t get cocky. This can all disappear in the blink of a jaded eye!
And p.s.,
it is humility that is soooooooo attractive in the observations of a quirky, justlikeus, huntress. We are not drooling sheep that blindly follow your tantalizing tidbits of smoky mirrors…we have taste, we have discernment, we are have a slimy gluten-free noodle at the ready to whip you back into line into producing fodder for our addictive cyber reading!
U work for US now …(evil, maniacal laugh)
July 2, 2013 @ 12:23 pm
That would be a 1890s smoky mirror that “looks like a castle”. I’m happy for her – hopefully we can all have opportunities to do the Happy Dance from time to time!! Gotta appreciate it while it lasts.
July 2, 2013 @ 12:08 pm
A family member shared your mirror story on Facebook and I read it because of the title. I too am a Craigslist addict. The title sucked me in immediately. I enjoyed every.single.part. of your story. I saw myself and my husband in your story. The only difference….add three kids in the car under the age of 5 and instead of a mirror, make it a church pew or a bench. I loved your story so much that I read it at least 4 times, sent it to a dear friend and made my husband read it. I immediately subscribed to your email posts. I am now a huge fan and as soon as I post this comment I will be following you on Facebook as well. Thank you for your wonderful stories!
July 2, 2013 @ 12:13 pm
Now that you’re a cewebrity, there’s a good chance that if you meet someone famous, they very well may have heard of you.
And if they haven’t, just act like they should have and are so uncool for not. You should probably surround yourself with minions who mock and shame the unenlightened, just to drive the point home.
July 2, 2013 @ 12:16 pm
I’m a lurker by nature; I open up after a couple months or couple bottles of good wine š I was intro’d to you last week and spent an entire Sunday morning with you and (your blog) and had a blast. Very well done m’dear. I look forward to a long and lasting relationship.
PS. Tell Paul if blogging doesn’t bring in the cash – renting him out would š
July 2, 2013 @ 12:19 pm
Your stories make me so happy. I can’t begin to describe how much I love reading about your collections and sharing the restoration of your beautiful home. I love the childlike glee of a mirror find, or something shiny. š With a kingdom on top. Irresistible!
July 2, 2013 @ 12:21 pm
I was afraid you were going to write about quitting the blog or taking a long break, because
A) I love your stories and hilarity!
B) I don’t write a blog, and won’t. Ever.
C) I don’t read other blogs because they get boring eventually. I can only read about organizing in tiny containers, home renovations, or shabby chic utensil windchimes for a limited amount of time before I decide – “No Thank You.”.
D) I can relate to a craigslist or ReStore find forever.
Please stay happy and maybe find a way to make a little dough if you want!
July 2, 2013 @ 12:28 pm
I found you early, shiny and bright buried in the snow. Now you are on your way to stardom. Hooray!
July 2, 2013 @ 12:33 pm
You know, when you build it “They will Come”! I belong to several closed garden and craft groups, and this has been shared with all of them. I always tell them when I post fun, unique things, to please show support by liking or subscribing, I hope they do. You have the gift, and I for one am glad you shared it! So as I say every Friday “Get Your Dance On”! Oh and my Motto is “Presentation is Everything”! And you are presenting a wonderful, humorous blog, so just keep having Fun!
July 2, 2013 @ 12:45 pm
You’re a fantastic writer and a fabulous personality. Congratulations!
July 2, 2013 @ 1:10 pm
The unicorn brought me over from Facebook and I stayed as a subscriber. You see, I have the same Suoerman cape and the same facial bruises that you have… I get it.
July 2, 2013 @ 1:11 pm
I have to credit Glennon from Momastery for sharing your link on her facebook page. That is how I found you. I read the post about finding the mirror on Craigslist and I may have snorted out loud while laughing & reading……and then signed up to be a “follower” of the blog. I really enjoy your writing and wit!