Raccoon, thy name is Elegancy.
First, if you are new… the raccoon is explained here. Sort of. As much as this sort of thing can be explained at all.
Second, it was brought to my attention that you are expecting to see the horribly-embarrassing-thing I referenced last week and that you will be angry when I tell you this is not that post.
You can blame Paul for your lack of entertainment. He says no more blogging until I have made a serious start on the kitchen plans.
I don’t know why he needs to emphasize serious… I mean, do I not seem serious to you?
And for the record, to HIM this is a blog. But to me, it is the mechanism by which I will foist my personality upon the world.
So I tried to explain— I have no time for the banality of kitchens… the personality-foisting is all-consuming. Please leave me be.
Paul said—fine, but consider yourself warned. I will NOT go get anything off of Craigslist until I see some real ideas.
And he doesn’t know it, but I’ve been trying to get this person to email me back for nearly two months.
You think I am joking… but it is not the chairs I am after.
This is the Craigslist-seller who cannot possibly have sold the item… but WILL NOT ANSWER you. No matter that you’ve emailed five times from multiple different accounts… and lit candles and chanted… and asked for special novenas from the Craigslist gods.
At this point, I would happily pay $5,000 for an insane set of furniture from 1969.
Because the longer they do not answer me, the more frantic the raccoon gets.
Why? Let me show you.
WHAT ARE THESE?
These towers? Pillars? Obelisks of awe?
THESE MONUMENTS TO MY SOUL?
I can barely hear myself think over the screeching of the raccoon… It is clawing at my skull and demanding to be let out and accusing me of thoroughly botching the acquisition.
Also? Are you kidding me? OBVIOUSLY the ELEGANCY speaks to me.
Equally obvious is how the raccoon’s name IS Elegancy, and I just didn’t know.
This is a revelation that pleases me to no end.
Anyone named Elegancy is surely an old-school drag-queen-extraordinaire, and there is no one else I would rather have live in my head.
It also explains why he is so intimidating, and sometimes says– HONEY PLEASE, your legs!
Wax them before we all die of fright.
Which is more helpful than you’d think– without him, I might abandon grooming entirely.
So. Anyway. Even though I have no interest in discussing the kitchen, I’m heeding Paul’s warning just incase I need to convince him that we should spend $5,000 on what he will most certainly consider trash and I will consider the reason for my existence.
So this is what I have to say about the kitchen:
It is a sad pit of despair. And it is FINE.
I mean, yes. It’s hideous. Our “island” is held up by stacks of two-by-fours. But it’s FINE.
It’s MORE than fine.
Believe me. I know the difference between fine, and NOT FINE.
Not fine, means filth.
Not fine, means your husband questioning the necessity of the plastic that must cover everything.
Not fine, means coming home to discover that your husband interpreted the plastic-rule as applying to ONLY HALF of the room.
Not fine, means your head exploding and him saying—you’re overreacting… which everyone knows is the CUE FOR THE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
On the other hand:
Fine means no filth.
Fine means having a fork in a drawer.
Fine means being able to get something to eat, on an actual plate, that you can then put in the dishwasher.
And since we can do all of those things, the kitchen is FINE.
Now this post is over. And I am so pleased with it!
Possibly you are disappointed by the lack of actual discussion about kitchen plans, but I feel the information about raccoons in drag more than makes up for it.
If you disagree, you may be in the wrong place.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
August 7, 2013 @ 2:10 am
Again you got me rolling with laughter… I’m digging the the pillars as you say, maybe incorporating then into the kitchen plans but instead of making them part of the island repurpose them into architectural details tucked into the corners on the two side walls where the two roof lines meet. Have you ever considered taking down the wall behind the refrigerator and making in a even bigger open floor plan. We just did this on a clients job site, we had a structural beam made with a steel plate between the two beams, brought it through an opening we made in the side of the house, lifted it with a rented scissor jack, tied it into the ceiling rafters, extended it into the two side walls bolted to adjustable lolly columns. Yea is wasn’t cheap but it wasn’t overly expensive either, it was cost effective. It opened the whole flow of the house without changing the exterior footprint of the home. It would be much cheaper than reconfiguring the entry mud room, walls, roof section of the back part of the kitchen. And you can sit in one of those Craigslist chairs and direct the project from you thrown!
August 7, 2013 @ 5:03 am
You had me at raccoon..
It is so easy to miss the elegancy in do many things, isn’t it? I think your towers are fantastic and you can tell Paul you will be able to offset the cost by renting them every two years to the IOC for them to use them to hold the Olympic flame, and really, is there anyone more civic-minded than you?
Love your blog!
August 7, 2013 @ 5:14 am
Posh Spice and David Beckham could have used those chairs for their wedding
August 7, 2013 @ 8:21 am
OMG are you moving your affections from Don to Liberace??????? I am assuming you have seen Beyond the Candelabra (brilliant), Actually I think I saw THOSE exact same columns in his LA bathroom.
What, oh what would you use them for, M’Dear?
And, of course, I’m terrified of your answer but still wait with baited Mrs Carmichael breath.
August 7, 2013 @ 1:38 pm
Behind the Candelabra could only have been better with full-frontal Matt Damon. Why they left that out, is beyond me.
Who knows what I would do with the pillars. Earrings?
August 7, 2013 @ 12:10 pm
I would very much appreciate your next BLOG to include photos of your wonderful husband retrieving THE ELEGANCY of these items for YOU… thank you… I love them!!!!!!!!! I think last time I saw something like it it was during Sadam’s reign at one of his palaces.. I LOVE THEM ANYWAY!!!!
August 7, 2013 @ 1:39 pm
Please, are you kidding? NO one wants those photos more than me…
August 7, 2013 @ 11:52 pm
Waiting with bated breath to see whether you use Elegancy to name your first pet. Ooooh, or firstborn, why not? Go big or go home! Now that I think of it, what a missed opportunity wrt the Royal Baby!
August 8, 2013 @ 9:49 am
Omg -just found your blog (via Brooklyn limestone) and I live it! I live in an 1890 Victorian in old town alexandria VA and also adore shiny gold mirrors – the bigger the better – but so far I only have 3 of them I have managed to get them to my house from Florida and NJ! And I do not have a husband who is supportive of my craigslist shenanigans.
August 9, 2013 @ 9:24 am
I will reference the FL to NJ trek, next time I need to shame Paul into moving something less than 8 states…
August 9, 2013 @ 10:45 pm
A fellow craigslister here, thought of your raccoon when I laid eyes on this one.
http://houston.craigslist.org/atq/3988419079.html
Gold? Check. Too large for a room? Check. TRIPLE mirror. Oh yes.
August 10, 2013 @ 9:27 am
“an exqusite piece,” for sure a fellow raccoon…
August 11, 2013 @ 2:44 pm
A major problem with that kitchen being “fine” is how long “fine” suffices. Unable to bear the thought of an ugly dining room chandelier I had a “perfectly fine” bare bulb hanging from the ceiling FOR TEN YEARS. Until the right fixture appeared it was like a post-post-modern absurdist joke… and spawned a huge collection of candlesticks
August 16, 2013 @ 2:05 pm
I’m pretty sure we were separated at birth.
August 19, 2013 @ 8:39 pm
I found your blog through Rhoda at Southern Hospitality and love it! You’re so funny and I think we all relate to you on some level:) Last month my MIL and I were in a used furniture store and I saw a huge cherub lamp that had originally been a table, it could have been made back into a table again with some work…I wanted it OH so badly! But it was $75 (I know, I know…chump change to most but a lot to us!) so I got talked out of it. I’ve never forgotten it though and wished I’d really pushed for it, I know I could have made it pretty!
August 24, 2013 @ 7:47 pm
All right Victoria. Back to the kitchen. Seriously. I am about to suck you into a world of fascinating kitchen possibilities. You have a Victorian home. You need a tin ceiling. All Victorian homes need a least a little bit of tin ceiling.
Here is the time waster, fascinating possibility part:
http://www.tinceiling.com/interactive/iceiling.php
or google Brian Greer tin ceilings. They have an interactive design your own tin ceiling tool. Hundreds and hundreds of possible combinations! What’s not to like? And they ship! Affordably! To you…!
July 9, 2014 @ 10:58 pm
Hilarious! I recently discovered you, and you are keeping me up past my bedtime!