Raccoon, thy name is Elegancy.
First, if you are new… the raccoon is explained here. Sort of. As much as this sort of thing can be explained at all.
Second, it was brought to my attention that you are expecting to see the horribly-embarrassing-thing I referenced last week and that you will be angry when I tell you this is not that post.
You can blame Paul for your lack of entertainment. He says no more blogging until I have made a serious start on the kitchen plans.
I don’t know why he needs to emphasize serious… I mean, do I not seem serious to you?
And for the record, to HIM this is a blog. But to me, it is the mechanism by which I will foist my personality upon the world.
So I tried to explain— I have no time for the banality of kitchens… the personality-foisting is all-consuming. Please leave me be.
Paul said—fine, but consider yourself warned. I will NOT go get anything off of Craigslist until I see some real ideas.
And he doesn’t know it, but I’ve been trying to get this person to email me back for nearly two months.
You think I am joking… but it is not the chairs I am after.
This is the Craigslist-seller who cannot possibly have sold the item… but WILL NOT ANSWER you. No matter that you’ve emailed five times from multiple different accounts… and lit candles and chanted… and asked for special novenas from the Craigslist gods.
At this point, I would happily pay $5,000 for an insane set of furniture from 1969.
Because the longer they do not answer me, the more frantic the raccoon gets.
Why? Let me show you.
WHAT ARE THESE?
These towers? Pillars? Obelisks of awe?
THESE MONUMENTS TO MY SOUL?
I can barely hear myself think over the screeching of the raccoon… It is clawing at my skull and demanding to be let out and accusing me of thoroughly botching the acquisition.
Also? Are you kidding me? OBVIOUSLY the ELEGANCY speaks to me.
Equally obvious is how the raccoon’s name IS Elegancy, and I just didn’t know.
This is a revelation that pleases me to no end.
Anyone named Elegancy is surely an old-school drag-queen-extraordinaire, and there is no one else I would rather have live in my head.
It also explains why he is so intimidating, and sometimes says– HONEY PLEASE, your legs!
Wax them before we all die of fright.
Which is more helpful than you’d think– without him, I might abandon grooming entirely.
So. Anyway. Even though I have no interest in discussing the kitchen, I’m heeding Paul’s warning just incase I need to convince him that we should spend $5,000 on what he will most certainly consider trash and I will consider the reason for my existence.
So this is what I have to say about the kitchen:
It is a sad pit of despair. And it is FINE.
I mean, yes. It’s hideous. Our “island” is held up by stacks of two-by-fours. But it’s FINE.
It’s MORE than fine.
Believe me. I know the difference between fine, and NOT FINE.
Not fine, means filth.
Not fine, means your husband questioning the necessity of the plastic that must cover everything.
Not fine, means coming home to discover that your husband interpreted the plastic-rule as applying to ONLY HALF of the room.
Not fine, means your head exploding and him saying—you’re overreacting… which everyone knows is the CUE FOR THE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
On the other hand:
Fine means no filth.
Fine means having a fork in a drawer.
Fine means being able to get something to eat, on an actual plate, that you can then put in the dishwasher.
And since we can do all of those things, the kitchen is FINE.
Now this post is over. And I am so pleased with it!
Possibly you are disappointed by the lack of actual discussion about kitchen plans, but I feel the information about raccoons in drag more than makes up for it.
If you disagree, you may be in the wrong place.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
August 6, 2013 @ 12:39 pm
Darlin, stop wasting your time on $5000 elegant monuments. This sounds like a FANTASTIC diy project at a much smaller cost and much less headache than 2 months of obsession over something that the people have already sold, or they are so are afraid of you that they will NEVER respond to your emails. Try Hobby Lobby for a place to start for pillars, some wooden frames glued on and some gold sparkly paint, voila! Elegant Goddess Pillars at a fraction of the cost and headache.
August 6, 2013 @ 12:40 pm
Hey, I want that screen. And why haven’t you driven to the address?
August 6, 2013 @ 12:51 pm
I love to read you, you make me smile out loud
August 6, 2013 @ 12:55 pm
This weekend I considered buying a truck so I could pick up more Craigslist treasures more easily.
This week 5 chairs that I absolutely NEEDED escaped because of my inability to procure a truck. I died a little inside.
August 6, 2013 @ 1:49 pm
You just tell him, Dear, that those obelisk-y things are going in the kitchen and your problem will be solved! because that would be some SERIOUS bling for the kitchen! 🙂
August 6, 2013 @ 1:56 pm
Ma chérie, has anyone applied for the actual position of Elegancy, yet? Because living in your head is sort of my dream job.
August 6, 2013 @ 9:53 pm
Tyler, I’ll arm wrestle you for that spot.
August 7, 2013 @ 1:28 pm
I would hate for anyone as distinguished as yourself to see what a disaster the inside of my head is… I haven’t vacuumed in ages.
August 6, 2013 @ 2:20 pm
I pay homage to all that you are. Amazing that your Raccoon, Elegance, and my Dragon, Seeker, have such similar traits.
August 6, 2013 @ 2:42 pm
I understand your hesitancy to start with the fine kitchen. It is months of messes — but you do get to eat out a lot. And most people would LOVE to have a sitting room attached to the kitchen. That is such a plus. So get going — get rid of the yellow walls– just primer them white. I’m sure that is what is clouding your thinking.
And don’t spend the money on those columns! I’m with Christine — go buy some gold spray paint. $5000 will go pretty far with a gorgeous new kitchen sink…
August 6, 2013 @ 2:46 pm
Yes, they’re meant to Hold Things, but rather than something as plebian as ferns, I see one holding the crown the Universe will inevitably bring you and the other holding a tiara or two, the Necklace(s) of Invincibility or perhaps the Crown Jewels of Fancy.
August 7, 2013 @ 1:29 pm
I read that as “the crown of the universe,” which sounds pretty good…
August 6, 2013 @ 3:00 pm
This is hilarious. While I may also have a shiny-object-craving raccoon (I spent an UNREASONABLE amount of time stalking a woman who had the EXACT cabinet I needed for my tea and coffee, who would respond to an email and then vanish for a month and appeared to have some sort of mental problem. And then even after my rational mind realized I needed to look for a cabinet elsewhere, and even after I FOUND one, for FREE, I continued to mourn the loss of The Cabinet), my brain appears also to be occupied by some sort of hissing mongoose, whose name is probably You Have a Savings Account. After several encounters, the raccoon is wary of him. So I simultaneously sympathize with this post, and also think, “I wouldn’t even CONTACT someone who advertised anything less than a car for $5000. I would be offended on principle.”
Now, onto the subject I’m more interested in: your kitchen. I don’t think those gold things belong in your kitchen at all. At least, not in that color(s). What if I could find you some sort of legit historic architectural salvage for less than $5000 that could actually go in your kitchen? (Enormous corbels, or some sort of fancy hardwood.) Then would you oblige us with kitchen plans? To sweeten the deal, I could send you antique and antique-compatible kitchen inspiration photos that roughly correspond to your floor plan, which might convince Paul that you’re making progress? Maybe. He probably knows you better than that :).
August 6, 2013 @ 3:46 pm
This is the first time that I’ve realized that your kitchen currently reminds me of Monica & Rachel’s on “Friends”. It’s a fun kitchen, but not quite right for Elegancy.
PS. We’ve been watching WAY too much “Friends”
August 6, 2013 @ 3:55 pm
So I totally love a good online challenge, and I see the address of the house where these items are located, it is a real address (I checked) why not just do a drive by? Maybe the reason they put the address is they WANT people to come and see the set not just email about it. Anyone classy enough to own that furniture obviously comes from a time where the proper way to make contact is face to face. I am not suggesting you get out of your car but IF they were out in the yard…
August 7, 2013 @ 1:30 pm
I DID consider this… but felt it crossed an unspoken line of CL decorum. If such a thing exists?
August 8, 2013 @ 1:44 am
I was just sipping wine with a neighbor a few hours ago discussing this very subject. She had posted something for free on CL and left her address and the items in the driveway. She was annoyed that she had to go back and add that because she had posted the address she had to put COME AND GET IT after the fact. They have sent their address out into the world and the pillars are yours for the taking. If they are not home leave them a note;
I would like the pillars, I don’t just feel the elegancy, I LIVE there.
August 9, 2013 @ 9:27 am
I don’t just feel the elegancy, I LIVE there.
If I ever get a tattoo…
August 6, 2013 @ 4:37 pm
Thus, while I know these things are not all shiny (I don’t give up easily):
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/millwork/product/show/178-mw-2/category_pathway-242
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/millwork/product/show/2826-mw-366/category_pathway-242
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/millwork/product/show/135-mw-309/category_pathway-242
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/millwork/product/show/173-mw-41/category_pathway-242
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/odds-ends/product/show/4342-oe-285/category_pathway-244
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/odds-ends/product/show/2056-oe-243/category_pathway-244 (if it is not obvious, this will house your stove hood)
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/odds-ends/product/show/2071-oe-210/category_pathway-244
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/ironwork/product/show/4181-iw-96/category_pathway-227 (here’s your pot rack – beats the pants off an Enclume, and a fraction of the price. For a wee detour into rural Virginia. Not where I live, BTW. Though I have been to this place. And it is as awesome as it looks)
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/plumbing/product/show/4335-plmb-195/category_pathway-249 (I see that you have a sink with a dish drainer to its left)
http://www.oldhouseparts.net/plumbing/product/show/2585-plmb-130/category_pathway-247 (may be easier to fit with your existing kitchen)
Also check out http://www.thebrassknob.com (though for some reason its catalog is presently refusing to load).
Also also, you will need to go here: http://communityforklift.com/index.cfm. Check out their August sales (includes ranges and sinks!) and also the inventory highlights: https://plus.google.com/photos/107738264346223805524/albums/5860029573358870273/5898351243754191826?banner=pwa&gpsrc=pwrd1#photos/107738264346223805524/albums/5860029573358870273/5898351243754191826?banner=pwa&gpsrc=pwrd1&pid=5898351243754191826&oid=107738264346223805524. (Viking refrigerator…vintage gas stove…Cold War-era bathythermograph…pocket doors…card catalogs…column capital…French doors that would make magnificent cabinets a la http://www.southernliving.com/home-garden/decorating/antique-dream-kitchen-00417000071616/page5.html. Actually, I may need to head back there myself. I seem to need Victorian ceiling fans and some gingerbread for my porch)
August 9, 2013 @ 10:18 am
A- you went to spam jail, my apologies.
B- THOSE glass-front arched doors have been pinned in my kitchen board for a YEAR, with no source (whatever blog I got them from didn’t link back) so FINALLY being able to see the rest of the kitchen is gratifying. (Her countertop is awesome!)
August 6, 2013 @ 5:05 pm
Those would be fun for a permanent limbo setup.
Maybe in the foyer, so everyone who enters must limbo.
August 6, 2013 @ 6:52 pm
Victoria! HOW have you and Elegancy failed to recall that you can make Craigslist people bring their wares to You, and humbly sue for Your attention??
Wanted: Gilt French Provincial plant stands. Please include photo with offers…
Please limit yourself to no more than 10 or 12 of the things; the house is material, and can only withstand so much glorious glitter.
Now, go design your kitchen. I’m thinking something like this: http://globerove.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/French-Provincial-Kitchen.jpg
Ok, I realize it bears no resemblance whatsoever to the actual space you have, but surely Paul can fix that tiny detail?! And do add a few of those plant stands scattered about. Perhaps with genuine ferns perched on them?
August 7, 2013 @ 1:32 pm
FYI- that blue stove is my dream appliance (and costs more than our entire kitchen budget.)
August 8, 2013 @ 6:33 pm
Yeah … I desperately wanted one of these http://www.elmirastoveworks.com/antique/ranges/
… until I discovered they cost about $6,000 ….
I like stoves. A lot. But not a $6,000 lot.
August 9, 2013 @ 9:12 am
Did you REALLY need to show me that? No, I think not.
August 6, 2013 @ 7:30 pm
Sweetie, while I love your raccoon.. That kitchen is NOT fine!! You clearly need an island and some nice countertops going on in there. I will send up some prayers to the craigslist gods, and you go FIX the kitchen!! Sheesh!
Hugs!
August 6, 2013 @ 7:34 pm
You lost me on the “obelisks of awe” but elegancy will be my new favorite word. And I still love you.
August 6, 2013 @ 7:43 pm
Victoria, I know what you are saying about a fine kitchen. When we bought our 1904 Denver Square almost 2 years ago, everything in it was fine, but weird. We easily updated quite a bit in the last two years. But, the kitchen — however much I hate the too tall cabinets and counters (4 inches taller than standard), the too modern custom built soild wood cabinets, the crappy fridge, the closed in feel in there — everything in it works. I don’t have to wash dishes in the bathroom, and don’t have to live in dust and chaos. I remodeled a kitchen 20 years ago, when I had a 9 year old, and 7 year old living with me. It was a great adventure for them eating cereal out of little boxes, and having pizza or happy meals for dinner every night, The nest is now empty, but I am reluctant to do it again, though I desperately want to make this one fit the house a little better, and fit my 5’4″ stature. I don’t cook that much anymore, but it would be nice to make it fantastic instead of just – fine. I actually have drawn out the plans, but unfortunately, my husband is not a power tools kind of guy, and he would rather deal with a fine kitchen forever than pay someone else to tear it apart, and rebuild it so that is sparkles. I’m working on him. Send Elegancy over please, I could use some of his nagging.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:24 pm
Ok but inquiring minds – aka me – want to know…if you got them…when you get them (because we know you will) where are you going to put them?? In the kitchen perhaps? Maybe a nicer thing to hold up the island.
August 7, 2013 @ 12:48 am
You made my day by using the word “foist” in your post. Now, get busy on the kitchen. I want more people to feel as frustrated and crazed as I do!!