Raccoon, thy name is Elegancy.
First, if you are new… the raccoon is explained here. Sort of. As much as this sort of thing can be explained at all.
Second, it was brought to my attention that you are expecting to see the horribly-embarrassing-thing I referenced last week and that you will be angry when I tell you this is not that post.
You can blame Paul for your lack of entertainment. He says no more blogging until I have made a serious start on the kitchen plans.
I don’t know why he needs to emphasize serious… I mean, do I not seem serious to you?
And for the record, to HIM this is a blog. But to me, it is the mechanism by which I will foist my personality upon the world.
So I tried to explain— I have no time for the banality of kitchens… the personality-foisting is all-consuming. Please leave me be.
Paul said—fine, but consider yourself warned. I will NOT go get anything off of Craigslist until I see some real ideas.
And he doesn’t know it, but I’ve been trying to get this person to email me back for nearly two months.
You think I am joking… but it is not the chairs I am after.
This is the Craigslist-seller who cannot possibly have sold the item… but WILL NOT ANSWER you. No matter that you’ve emailed five times from multiple different accounts… and lit candles and chanted… and asked for special novenas from the Craigslist gods.
At this point, I would happily pay $5,000 for an insane set of furniture from 1969.
Because the longer they do not answer me, the more frantic the raccoon gets.
Why? Let me show you.
WHAT ARE THESE?
These towers? Pillars? Obelisks of awe?
THESE MONUMENTS TO MY SOUL?
I can barely hear myself think over the screeching of the raccoon… It is clawing at my skull and demanding to be let out and accusing me of thoroughly botching the acquisition.
Also? Are you kidding me? OBVIOUSLY the ELEGANCY speaks to me.
Equally obvious is how the raccoon’s name IS Elegancy, and I just didn’t know.
This is a revelation that pleases me to no end.
Anyone named Elegancy is surely an old-school drag-queen-extraordinaire, and there is no one else I would rather have live in my head.
It also explains why he is so intimidating, and sometimes says– HONEY PLEASE, your legs!
Wax them before we all die of fright.
Which is more helpful than you’d think– without him, I might abandon grooming entirely.
So. Anyway. Even though I have no interest in discussing the kitchen, I’m heeding Paul’s warning just incase I need to convince him that we should spend $5,000 on what he will most certainly consider trash and I will consider the reason for my existence.
So this is what I have to say about the kitchen:
It is a sad pit of despair. And it is FINE.
I mean, yes. It’s hideous. Our “island” is held up by stacks of two-by-fours. But it’s FINE.
It’s MORE than fine.
Believe me. I know the difference between fine, and NOT FINE.
Not fine, means filth.
Not fine, means your husband questioning the necessity of the plastic that must cover everything.
Not fine, means coming home to discover that your husband interpreted the plastic-rule as applying to ONLY HALF of the room.
Not fine, means your head exploding and him saying—you’re overreacting… which everyone knows is the CUE FOR THE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
On the other hand:
Fine means no filth.
Fine means having a fork in a drawer.
Fine means being able to get something to eat, on an actual plate, that you can then put in the dishwasher.
And since we can do all of those things, the kitchen is FINE.
Now this post is over. And I am so pleased with it!
Possibly you are disappointed by the lack of actual discussion about kitchen plans, but I feel the information about raccoons in drag more than makes up for it.
If you disagree, you may be in the wrong place.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:20 am
I’m loving Elegancy, the drag-queen raccoon. I might have to steal this concept in order to explain my need for a handbag and pair of shoes each week. May Elegancy live long and prosper (and get lots of shiny fancy things from Craigslist)!
August 6, 2013 @ 10:25 am
Victoria – thank you for making me laugh! It’s a great way to start off my day.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:25 am
Ohmygawd, Victoria, I would have helped your tote those wonderful mirrors with my own flabby arms, but are you serious about these chairs?!
I certainly am not a “woman’s place is in the kitchen” kind of girl, but Paul does have a point there. I suppose you could build a kitchen island held up by the obelisks. Compromise is good.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:27 am
No, the chairs I do NOT need… but would buy them if it meant getting the pillars. AND? Your solution to use them as island supports WILL be my argument to Paul… if they ever answer me.
August 6, 2013 @ 2:55 pm
Those pillars can be purchased at the Swap Shop or Festival Flea market in Ft. Lauderdale…. If you want to pay too much they also have them on Las Olas Blvd. for tourist consumption. They are actually very nice quality repros but a bit too much for daytime.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:26 am
Victoria! Don’t let Elegancy talk you into buying that furniture! It’s only home should be in a faux Louis XIV castle in the backwoods of Texas whose owner is a reclusive eccentric oil baron who thinks he’s living in the 1700’s. He hasn’t cut his toenails for 15 years. You don’t want to be THAT GUY do you? Besides, Paul would fall. over. dead.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:36 am
I could get with all of that… with the exception of the toenail thing. But I promise that I don’t want any of it other than the pillars.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:29 am
Dang, those pillars are extraordinary!! So is the mirror behind them.
But really, the kitchen may be FINE, but you can make it so much better, i.e. shinier. Can you imagine it?? It is ELEGANCY talking. Those pillars NEED a space in your house. Maybe in your shiny new kitchen…
Liberace may be dead but his furniture lives on…
August 6, 2013 @ 10:33 am
You get the comment award :
Liberace may be dead but his furniture lives on…
So sad I did not think of this myself.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:45 am
I have not ever received a comment award before. Thanks! You have way too much on your mind to think of some pithy comment. I, on the other hand, am sitting here living vicariously through you… our house remodel includes three kids, two dogs and a cat. And not nearly enough shiny things for me!! We are almost done (after 12 years) but I am sure that once that last bit of trim is up, we will decide to redo the basement into a swanky billiards room or something. It will really never end VEB….
August 6, 2013 @ 1:13 pm
You are quite correct Jenn. The renovation work never ends, until you purchase your next home, and start all over again. We spent 20+ years renovating a circa 1895 Victorian, our entire married life up to that point. You are for all intensive purposes, never done. My husband says, “When you finish remodeling, you turn around and start remodeling what you already remodeled.” Darn it if he wasn’t right. (Hate it when that happens!) Now we live in a 70’s ranch, and we have more projects we need to do here too, that lead to yet more projects. It never ends.
August 6, 2013 @ 11:06 am
I second the award nomination!
August 6, 2013 @ 10:32 am
Elegancy… Words like that almost make it worth a trip to the land of Craigslist. Almost.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:38 am
It boggles the mind how someone could come up with a CL listing that is both totally accurate AND totally hilarious. Plus, I’m pretty sure she was serious.
August 20, 2017 @ 11:29 am
Wait, the CL advertiser is a woman?! When I read the ad I pictured an elderly gay gentleman who lived with his mother until she died and now he’s finally downsizing and ready to let the furniture go. But he’s ambivalent about it, thus the lack of response to you.
I am always so excited to see a new post from you, Victoria. Although I generally lurk and don’t comment, please know that you have a huge fan out here in the wilds of the Pacific Northwest! Thank you for the laughs and amazing reno stories and pictures.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:49 am
As one who survived the era from which those 14 “interesting” living room pieces came, I can answer your what-are-those-towers question. They are plant stands and, in that era, usually held big, ol’, ugly, plastic ferns.
August 6, 2013 @ 10:49 am
In order to stall, so that we can have more posts to read, why don’t you just use http://fortheloveofahouse.blogspot.com/2011/01/kitchen.html as a template using glitter and gold crayons to put in all your sparkly bits. That should give Paul something to chew on while the raccoon gnaws.
Thanks for the post, and good luck with Elegancy.
August 6, 2013 @ 11:49 am
Thanks for this link. Serious eye porn.
August 7, 2013 @ 8:48 am
Isn’t eye porn just, you know, regular porn?
August 6, 2013 @ 12:59 pm
Thank you for that link!! My soul LOVES that kitchen and all the areas around it. You made my day!
August 6, 2013 @ 2:07 pm
Let’s ALL have that kitchen!
August 6, 2013 @ 10:58 am
My five year old was looking over my shoulder while I was reading this post. When she saw the pillars her eyes got wide and she said: “Are those things holy?” I said, “What do you think?” and she answered “Yes” in an awed voice. It seems that I’m raising my own little raccoon…
August 6, 2013 @ 11:09 am
Totally applauding your parenting skills.
August 6, 2013 @ 11:00 am
PLEASE make that Victorian whachamacallit in your living room fit into your kitchen. There HAS TO BE A WAY!
August 6, 2013 @ 11:11 am
WHY must our men look so handsome doing construction-y things while they simultaneously dash our hopes and crush our dreams? Paul looks quite nice in his mask and sleeveless shirt.
August 6, 2013 @ 12:46 pm
You’ve addressed something that I’ve identified before… where we will be angry with each other about something, but part of my brain will point out that Paul is sweaty and wielding power tools… and then I am distracted.
The part that makes me even madder is how Paul is never distracted by thoughts of how attractive I am when mad and sweaty. Totally unfair.
August 11, 2013 @ 2:39 pm
LOL
August 6, 2013 @ 11:23 am
Absolutely boondoggled that owners of obelisks of awesomeness, will not reply. I see another racoon, with her arms firmly wrapped around said obelisks, explaining to HER husband that they cannot part with them….also explaining that she has NO idea why the internet is not working. (This can be the ONLY reason the seller would not reply….)
On another note, those would make some kick ass end tables…albeit tall…
August 6, 2013 @ 12:42 pm
AHHHHHH. This totally solves the mystery. And makes her raccoon even smarter than mine.
August 6, 2013 @ 11:24 am
I’m speechless. The towers are a bit much for me but I’m certain you would make all of us wish we had thought of that…if you decide to keep with tradition, please use real ferns to top them, not plastic ones…if they ever respond. I recently sold something on eBay and the person never paid nor responded. I feel your pain.
Get going on the kitchen, I can’t wait to see what great design ideas you come up with. Oh, and I too love for the love of a house…her kitchen is my favorite!
Karen
August 6, 2013 @ 11:24 am
Having absolutely no restraint whatsoever, and having Elegancy’s twin brother living in my own brain, I say take the entire suite and put it ALL in the kitchen.
Problem solved.
Now. Who among your readers Knows Somebody over at Craigslist? There has to be a way.
August 6, 2013 @ 11:36 am
I guess $5,000 is a small price to pay for elegancy.
August 6, 2013 @ 11:43 am
Nothing for it, you are just going to have to show up at their door and demand to be able to buy the pillars. Also, can’t you outsource your kitchen planning to one of your many devotees?
August 6, 2013 @ 11:43 am
Ah, Elegancy. The aptly named quixotic, lover-of-spangly-things in your head. Makes perfect sense to me. (I immediately envisioned Lafayette from True Blood in a Diamonique and coonskin cap.)
Meanwhile, Paul ought to very careful what he asks for. Our kitchen remodel took a full year of our lives, replete with blood, sweat, and homicidal thoughts. Thankfully, everyone is still breathing and we now have humongous space featuring a 6′ x 10′ island (or as I like to call it, the “Frankenstein Embalming Table) and soooo many lovely EMPTY cabinets. Problem? My raccoon has grown exponentially and is constantly, relentlessly hyperventilating with a need to stockpile housewares. Seriously, if aliens landed to rob the world of creamy white porcelain platters, dishes, bowls, compotes, cakeplates…anything, my raccoon and I stand ready to replenish the planet.
August 6, 2013 @ 11:57 am
You’ve got a difficult layout with that kitchen. Low windows, lots of doors, yikes!
Is raising that window (with the micro in front of it) an option? Alternatively you can put a low cabinet in front of the window.
Is your goal to create more counter space? Spruce it up?
If it were my kitchen I would keep the general layout the same, increase counter space by either raising the window or lowering a cabinet, and possibly consider putting an extra cabinet on the other side of the window (where the old stub walls were). Then I would build the island out to incorporate the eating area. I would figure out a way to use cabinets under the island/eating area to give more storage space.
Other than that I think putting in a cohesive floor (whatever material you choose) will go a long way to making the kitchen feel more ‘fine’ :).
August 6, 2013 @ 11:59 am
I just adore you! I have been having the most terrible morning, but Elegancy the drag queen raccoon has really brightened things right up! I don’t even care that I don’t know your horribly embarrassing thing, or that I know nothing of your kitchen plans. My own inner raccoon is rubbing its hands together in that super villain kind of way mumbling, “Get the pillars of dreams! Doooo iiiittt! Must live vicariously through you!”
August 6, 2013 @ 12:27 pm
Oh Victoria;
Please, OH PLEASE… continue to work on your kitchen! Blog about ideas… I NEED them! I am purchasing a house, built in 1945… All the classic charm and elegance of the era, with absolutely no idea where to start decorating and embellishing the domain! I also have three children underfoot… all under the seasoned age of five. I MUST have simple, elegant ideas for our home. The children and I are craving culture… ambiance… and that delightful taste of artistry in our daily lives! How can we survive without it? How can you let my children’s lives be starved of that experience! You are starving my children of a life -a childhood – of a beautiful home… Think of the children!!!
Ok, actually, I am. But in my defense I have no decorating chromosomes in my DNA… And yet I YEARN for them… increasingly… I am a Designer/Decorating Succubus … my LIFE depends upon ideas gleaned from those more talented than myself…
So please; I earnestly beg of thee; follow thy husband’s instruction so I may learn the art and skill of remodeling a kitchen… a kitchen, in which I can feed and procure many feasts abounding in deliciousness – surrounded by artistry.