Ripping out my soul for your entertainment… examining my first year of blogging.
Before my Craigslist–mirror went viral, I’d decided that it was sheer foolishness to have ever thought I would make a dent in the internet.
In fact, if I had any sense at all, I would have quit blogging around six months.
Six months is what separates the sensible people— who go back to their lives.
From the total lunatics— who decide to double down.
Somewhere here, I more than doubled down.
I pushed all my chips in.
I borrowed money from the mob.
I started snorting cocaine in the high-roller suites and set fire to the drapes.
Somewhere here I stopped feeling like a writer.
Or a doer of house projects.
Or a researcher of toilets.
I turned into a version of myself that I had never met– someone who would do WHATEVER IT TAKES. To get people to read my blog.
The word that comes to mind is hustler.
For me, at six months, a very tiny dictator woke up in my head.
She was mean. And wore all grey.
And she looked just like me.
She said: vee must take over zee vurld.
And I agreed.
I thought if I could make it to one year—the parade would begin.
And I believed in my own infallibility— also defined as psychotic self-delusion.
Any megalomaniacal dictator can tell you that the first few months of a war are the best—there are impassioned speeches… the troops are excited… you haven’t run out of food and had to eat the horses.
But sometime between six months and a year is when you get an inkling that perhaps it’s not a matter of simply controlling the world with your mind.
This inkling grows in size and scope… until sometime around month eight, when you have a mini-breakdown.
But no one cares about your breakdown.
No one cares that you are having a crisis of the soul.
They don’t care, because blogging is synonymous with 24-year-old fashionistas in neon sunglasses, so attempting to convey to people the IMPORTANCE of your blog makes you sound like a total moron.
It also doesn’t help that much of what you say is rant-like: about how no one has shown up, and how this is UNACCEPTABLE.
And for the record, if there is anything less sympathetic to people than a 36-year-old woman crying about her blog, I do not know what it is.
In fact, if you want to confirm all of people’s worst suspicions about you? This is the way to do it.
And then– if somehow your blog makes it to one year? Instead of the parade you anticipated, you get the gift of FINALLY grasping the idiocy of your undertaking.
You finally understand that there are roughly one billion other blogs. And that the chances of yours being special are so microscopic as to be nonexistent.
So now you have two choices:
1. You can accept defeat and go spend time with your family.
2. You can commit yourself to self-delusion.
Lucky for me, I’ve been training in self-delusion all my life.
It is my second-greatest talent.
What’s my first? Enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm beyond what is reasonable.
Beyond what is even remotely reasonable.
That endless enthusiasm is what makes people think I am fun. Unless they have to spend too much time with me, in which case it can be wearing… Because when I am excited about something? LOOK OUT.
I am going overboard.
I am going to fling myself off the side of the ship with no life vest or scuba gear or shark-repellant.
And I’ll be screaming— OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS THING!
I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO EXCITING!!
EXCITING, EXCITING, EXCITING.
And you’re going to have to call in a Marine search-and-rescue team to find me in the ocean. (If you’re the one calling, please make sure they only send young Marines… Let’s say under 32, shall we?)
Somewhere in the last year, ALL my enthusiasm BECAME this blog… They merged into one entity—indistinguishable from each other.
I stopped caring about anything else. My only interest became pushing this blog forward… Uphill in a tornado… in an ice storm… carrying it over mountains while being pecked by vultures.
To do WHATEVER it takes.
Anything.
If human sacrifice were required, it would take me no time at all to build the altar.
October 1, 2013 @ 1:07 pm
I can’t believe you’ve only been blogging for a year! Your design and your tone feel all grown up (in blog years, at least). The amount of effort you put into blogging is obvious. And I obviously need a better tiny dictator living in my head if I want to grow my blog at all. Ever thought about sharing some of your tips? Or renting out your dictator?
October 1, 2013 @ 1:08 pm
My friend Erica recently had her blogiversary, and she said much the same. I’m right around the despair mark, myself – I feel as though I can’t possibly keep up with my self-imposed deadlines, demands, or generate a single jot more of content that anyone would ever want to read.
You just keep hitting refresh, my dear. I’ll do my part to keep your stats up.
October 1, 2013 @ 1:26 pm
I wonder… How does one go about stealing another one’s wit? I’ve blogged for something like 5-6 years and am feeling horrendously dull about it. So basically you can go about feeling proud of making some of us ugly jealous of your charm. Keep it up!
November 12, 2014 @ 10:15 pm
I’ve been wishing I could steal her wit for 24 years now! Being her best friend is as fun as all of you think it is–but thanks to her fame I’m happy to find out I’m not the only one who feels dull in comparison. I am as eager for her blogs as everyone else–and so happy she has the audience she’s always dreamed of. 😉
October 1, 2013 @ 1:37 pm
You know, for years, I have seen you at various dance competitions and events where we have both been participating. All I ever thought was, “Wow! That girl is a beautiful, elegant dancer!” And tall! And pretty quiet!” Then I found your blog through a mutual friend and now I think, “Wow! That girl is a beautiful, elegant dancer! And tall! And maybe NOT SO QUIET! And truly one of the funniest people I have ever come across!” I look forward to your blog each week and run around like a madwoman making everyone I know read it as well. Your insight are genius. I don’t bother reading anyone else’s because they simply pale in comparison. Congrats on one year of dictatorship. Or war-mongering. Or blogging. Whatever you want to call it. Here’s to many more!
November 12, 2014 @ 10:17 pm
This is so cute! I love that you were a fan of her dancing, and then became a fan of her blog! She IS quiet, until you know her well, and then not so much. <3 And so very genius, as you say.
October 1, 2013 @ 1:47 pm
I always enjoy reading what you are doing. Why? Because your recounts of you and your husband remind me of my husband and myself. We are restoring a dogtrot in Tuscumbia that was begun in 1840, and ‘updated’ in 1920.
Your blog puts a smile on my face and keeps me going on our project. ‘-)
October 1, 2013 @ 1:57 pm
Always a surprise read here. What will you do next? Great post and sign!
October 1, 2013 @ 2:06 pm
OK…..If that little dictator in your head ever tells you to STOP blogging, a lot of people, including me, will be seriously bummed. I’ve been told that I should blog but have never done it (see your above dilemma). Soooo…..hang in there! Is there a law about times between posts? I don’t think so. You are one of the only blogs I read cause I am not a 20 something fashionista. I’m just a person like you (without the husband who probably took these photos at your insistence, I mean request). But my crazy, bargain hunting for fabulousness, dumpster diving, hilarious, funny friends and I NEED your awesome posts.
You rock. D
October 1, 2013 @ 2:18 pm
J’adore your blog, your cleverness, your outfit, your home, your style.
If I ever had 100 comments on my blog, it’s only because I’m giving something away. LOL
Truly, you shine and it shows.
October 1, 2013 @ 2:20 pm
Me, self-deluded? But, of course. Sort of like a minnow splashing around in the ocean saying, “Look at Me!” I actually have a few shirts with CharmingZebra.com on them that I sometimes wear when I am out and about. (See what I did there?)
Congrats on one year of wonderful witticisms! Keep them coming.
October 1, 2013 @ 2:49 pm
It just occurred to me, while reading all the comments, that to the uninitiated, we sound like sychophants or fanatics! Is it a bad thing to be a fanatic? About reading your blog? Definitely not a sychophant.
October 1, 2013 @ 2:54 pm
LOVE your strangely-twisted, wonderfully-entertaining blogging voice! Please don’t stop!
October 1, 2013 @ 2:55 pm
Don’t stop I was so glad to read your post, it made my morning quite possibly my week. I have been telling my friends. I also subscribed just recently, you are my first and only blog, looked at others and none grabbed me. You are unique and totally relevant to the way some of us renovator dreamers think. Thank you and can’t wait til your next post.
October 1, 2013 @ 3:00 pm
You have the gift of storytelling. Not everyone does. Please continue to share it!
October 1, 2013 @ 3:31 pm
Congratulations on making it through your first year! Please keep writing! I love the photos. As a side note, I was in the City on Sunday and it would have been awesome to witness this! Although I think you should have stood in the middle of the wedding photo. 😉 Did you run into anyone who reads your blog?
October 1, 2013 @ 3:31 pm
One word for you…Stamina! Ok one more word…Funny as hell! opps!! I can’t count! my bad. Another word I thought of when reflecting on your blog,..Sophisticated.
October 1, 2013 @ 3:47 pm
Oh I shared your blog with a group of 231 women that belong to a Facebook site (private) Christmas at Home and Other Holidays. I posted this comment along with a link to your Blog.
I am posting this for any of you that enjoy the blogging world. You have a most glorious chance to follow this funny, talented and sophisticated girl as she traverses the sea known as life! If you feel so inclined hit the follow button, and enjoy her posts from time to time. In Victoria’s blog today she is questioning her choice to become a blogger, and I for one am glad she did.
October 1, 2013 @ 4:04 pm
Please don’t ever quit blogging. This is where I come when I need a break from the gaggles of self-absorbed pouty fashionistas and a moment of humor. You’re a breath of fresh air, and I, like so many others, simply adore you.
October 1, 2013 @ 4:10 pm
I love your blog! And I love the voice that comes out here. Your words are amazing, paired with such class and style, you crack me up woman. But I love how real you are about all of it. Keep writing. We are reading. 🙂 xo.
October 1, 2013 @ 5:11 pm
I never fail to smile when I see your blog pop up in my feed Victoria, I absolutely love your voice and your posts are easily some of my favourites out there. I think everyone questions why the hell they would put them through the self-imposed hell of blogging sometimes but I for one am so glad that you keep going! Love your blog, love your style, love your humour. Please keep it up! xx
October 1, 2013 @ 5:16 pm
Please let me use your sign (I’ll change the name) and idea. I just began blogging and need and want followers.
You said, “And for the record, if there is anything less sympathetic to people than a 36-year-old woman crying about her blog, I do not know what it is.”
I can tell you what it is……a 78 year old great-grandmother begging for someone to check out her blog! So, on bended knees, I beg you…….PLEASE check out my blog at http://drue35.blogspot.com/