Ripping out my soul for your entertainment… examining my first year of blogging.
Before my Craigslist–mirror went viral, I’d decided that it was sheer foolishness to have ever thought I would make a dent in the internet.
In fact, if I had any sense at all, I would have quit blogging around six months.
Six months is what separates the sensible people— who go back to their lives.
From the total lunatics— who decide to double down.
Somewhere here, I more than doubled down.
I pushed all my chips in.
I borrowed money from the mob.
I started snorting cocaine in the high-roller suites and set fire to the drapes.
Somewhere here I stopped feeling like a writer.
Or a doer of house projects.
Or a researcher of toilets.
I turned into a version of myself that I had never met– someone who would do WHATEVER IT TAKES. To get people to read my blog.
The word that comes to mind is hustler.
For me, at six months, a very tiny dictator woke up in my head.
She was mean. And wore all grey.
And she looked just like me.
She said: vee must take over zee vurld.
And I agreed.
I thought if I could make it to one year—the parade would begin.
And I believed in my own infallibility— also defined as psychotic self-delusion.
Any megalomaniacal dictator can tell you that the first few months of a war are the best—there are impassioned speeches… the troops are excited… you haven’t run out of food and had to eat the horses.
But sometime between six months and a year is when you get an inkling that perhaps it’s not a matter of simply controlling the world with your mind.
This inkling grows in size and scope… until sometime around month eight, when you have a mini-breakdown.
But no one cares about your breakdown.
No one cares that you are having a crisis of the soul.
They don’t care, because blogging is synonymous with 24-year-old fashionistas in neon sunglasses, so attempting to convey to people the IMPORTANCE of your blog makes you sound like a total moron.
It also doesn’t help that much of what you say is rant-like: about how no one has shown up, and how this is UNACCEPTABLE.
And for the record, if there is anything less sympathetic to people than a 36-year-old woman crying about her blog, I do not know what it is.
In fact, if you want to confirm all of people’s worst suspicions about you? This is the way to do it.
And then– if somehow your blog makes it to one year? Instead of the parade you anticipated, you get the gift of FINALLY grasping the idiocy of your undertaking.
You finally understand that there are roughly one billion other blogs. And that the chances of yours being special are so microscopic as to be nonexistent.
So now you have two choices:
1. You can accept defeat and go spend time with your family.
2. You can commit yourself to self-delusion.
Lucky for me, I’ve been training in self-delusion all my life.
It is my second-greatest talent.
What’s my first? Enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm beyond what is reasonable.
Beyond what is even remotely reasonable.
That endless enthusiasm is what makes people think I am fun. Unless they have to spend too much time with me, in which case it can be wearing… Because when I am excited about something? LOOK OUT.
I am going overboard.
I am going to fling myself off the side of the ship with no life vest or scuba gear or shark-repellant.
And I’ll be screaming— OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS THING!
I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO EXCITING!!
EXCITING, EXCITING, EXCITING.
And you’re going to have to call in a Marine search-and-rescue team to find me in the ocean. (If you’re the one calling, please make sure they only send young Marines… Let’s say under 32, shall we?)
Somewhere in the last year, ALL my enthusiasm BECAME this blog… They merged into one entity—indistinguishable from each other.
I stopped caring about anything else. My only interest became pushing this blog forward… Uphill in a tornado… in an ice storm… carrying it over mountains while being pecked by vultures.
To do WHATEVER it takes.
Anything.
If human sacrifice were required, it would take me no time at all to build the altar.
October 1, 2013 @ 11:55 am
Your writing is what keeps me coming back – your wit and voice. I have to say thought that my favorite thing about this post is how pissed off the girl in the black dress looks on the steps in pic two. Its as if she thought she was SO fashion-forward…that is until you showed up looking ridiculously fabulous in an outfit she could never have come up with. You could be me girl in black…I could never have put that outfit together either. And now I need a stylist.
October 1, 2013 @ 11:57 am
Don’t know any Marine rescue team, but could send a few young SEALS in after you. Word of warning: They tend to be a mite rough until the situation is under control. Bruises are likely but you’ll never be saved by a group of better swimmers! Anyway, keep up the good work, enthusiasm, lunacy and fun. Yours is one of only two blogs I read and this one is my fav. I got my sister in-law reading you too. Waiting for you to hit Craigslist again…
October 1, 2013 @ 11:57 am
You have a small, exclusive audience. This is like the most fabulous cocktail party with the most fabulous people. We sparkle, we laugh, we are devine.
You just keep having your VEB soirees for the glitterati and we’ll keep showing up!
(Also, I say this as I check my hits every hour and live and die by the traffic I get. I aspire to your soiree. Mine is still an awkward mixer where only 2 people showed up but I can dream!)
October 1, 2013 @ 12:02 pm
You are hilarious, and if only I could buy a bottle of your enthusiasm and perseverance, I’d be able to get a lot more done with conviction and energy! I think you need to go back to the beginning of your career in blog land and look at how many comments and followers you have today…in one short year, what are the odds (with that billion other blog site distractions). You’re a rock star!
Oh, and I love the outfit, heels, pearls and all. Who took those pictures?
xo,
Karen
October 1, 2013 @ 12:03 pm
Very funny post, and I think, judging by the comments that we all have been there. I have quit for six months once; taken long breaks; railed against the injustices of not getting popular when I worked so hard — on and on. I have been at it for five years or more — really I have lost track. I have changed my format about four times, and done everything but sell out, which I refuse to do. I have no problem with those who need to make a living with their blog, but for me it is for amusement and a place to say what is on my mind, and I tend to read the ones which are well-written. I am long since really bored with those “written” by ghosts/assistants, those who seem to have run out of anything of substance to say, and those whose chief goal is to make a pile of money. I am not a professional photographer nor do I own an expensive camera, but it seems now, among a lot of the “commercial” bloggers, that if one is not on a par with Ansel Adams, one is not worth the bother. Blogging is no longer the friendly down-home place for girl-talk that it was five years ago. Some of the ones who used to be so kind and helpful in the beginning to newbies are so far removed from the everyday life of most of the rest of us now that it is laughable. One in particular — a shameless opportunist — is almost more than I can stand. NO names, of course.
Every time I think I am about ready to hang it up altogether, I find a blog — like yours for instance — that keeps me coming back because it is witty and well-written. So — I hope you keep at it, and I will keep reading if you do.
ETS
October 1, 2013 @ 12:05 pm
No need to beg for followers, with your natural talent for words combined with humor…..the world will discover you, one reader at a time because it’s just too good NOT to share with friends…..I sure have! Keep it up…..your ENTHUSIASM will win as long as it stays genuine and not forced! Have a great day!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:12 pm
Seriously your blog is like a sweet treat.
October 1, 2013 @ 12:16 pm
I love, love, love, love, love your blog. Don’t ever stop.
I need to know there are other insanely overly enthusiastic people out there other than me. Others who get giddy and drive their spouses and others nuts. I apologize to folks all the time for “caring too much” and I usually get the reply “Well, if you didn’t care os much, you wouldn’t be you.” I don’t necessarily take this as a compliment.
I love your humor, your enthusiasm, your blog voice. I love you. Don’t ever quit. I wish you would post more. 🙂
October 1, 2013 @ 12:23 pm
I think you are fabulous!!!!! AND your outfit…OMG…killer!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂
October 1, 2013 @ 12:32 pm
Congratulations on your anniversary! I read only two blogs, and yours has had me laughing hysterically at times, while also enjoying random photos of hometown sites!
Insanity be damned…keep up the good work!!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:37 pm
Ha, I love your blog. I’m pretty sure that everyone who has ever read it loves it too. Besides, it must be pretty popular to get over 60 comments from just one post. I have been blogging for well over 2 years and I think the most comments I have received on one post is about 12. Most posts don’t even receive one comment. Talk about non-existent and pathetic! But I’m okay with that. I used to not be though. I wanted to be popular. I even got caught up in doing meaningless, non-productive things just to have something to post about. I quickly realized, “ain’t nobody got time for that”, especially me! I also realized that the general public is wanting McMansion style, trend setting, glamorous posts and I just cannot deliver that living in my 75 year old, teeny, tiny home with a non-existent decorating budget, but that’s okay with me. Somewhere along the way I stopped caring if people love my blog or not and I’m much happier since I stopped caring. It feels good to be free of worry about if others like me or not or if they know about me or not. I don’t care if I never get published in magazine, have companies falling all over themselves to give me free stuff just so I can post about it or if I have 10,000 friends listed on my sidebar. I like that I don’t care. There’s no pressure to perform and I like it that way. I keep my blog as a little journal of my accomplishments for myself. I don’t have to impress! If the whole world wants to take a gander at it, I am fine with that and if they don’t, I’m fine with that too.
With all that said, I think your blog is great! You’re incredibly talented and even if no one reads or listens to a word you have to say, write it and say it anyway. You’ll be glad you did! When you look back in another year from now you will be able to see all the wonderful things you have accomplished in your life, even if no one else notices and that’s a great feeling. Keep up the good work and happy blogging!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:37 pm
You are so Crazy,
And I love you for it!!! Yes, continue!!! Go Girl, its so much fun!!! XX From Montréal, Québec, Canada!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:39 pm
Ask and ye shall receive…
One parade coming up!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DA1VwGtnglo
🙂
October 1, 2013 @ 1:09 pm
speechless with love for you.
October 1, 2013 @ 12:42 pm
Love love love the post – and the blog. And those Philly shots are hilarious meets gorgeous. Well played 🙂
October 1, 2013 @ 12:45 pm
I just subscribed! I really enjoy your blog. You always crack me up but you responded to a comment awhile back saying something about “Yes, the emotional instability of others is comforting…” and that nailed it for me–you’re the perfect blend of self-deprecating wit and intelligence mixed with the insanity of those of cursed with a love of renovating. I wish we were best friends!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:46 pm
I love your blog! You make me laugh every time, please don’t ever stop writing!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:51 pm
Victoria, You are still my one and only blog. Please don’t stop; I love to read your stories!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:54 pm
Love your blog! Can’t wait for the email telling me you’ve dropped by for a chat (all be it one-sided!) yours is the house I’d have if only my husband endulged my crazinees, finished the projects he starts and danced!
October 1, 2013 @ 12:56 pm
Today’s post crystalizes why I love reading you blog.
October 1, 2013 @ 12:57 pm
I only follow two blogs, and both of you are witty, funny, and relevant. Love it~ keep on keeping on!