A totally unscientific explanation for impulse purchases.
This is a departure from anything remotely house, garden, or craigslist-related.
I’m sorry if this disappoints you.
But:
- This is my blog.
- It was this, or nothing.
- I was afraid to choose nothing, since I live in perpetual fear that you will forget about me and move on to someone younger with better giveaways.
- I apologize for the annoying filters I used on the photos. It’s one of those things where you think a trend is incredibly stupid, but then see so much of it that it becomes weirdly appealing.
This transition from grotesque-trend-that-should-be-banned, to mysterious-overnight-need-for-exact-repulsive-trend-purchase has not yet clad me in skinny jeans or peplum, and I am thankful for that.
So. We’ve established that I love anything giant, odd, fancy, and generally too large to fit in my house–an aesthetic that used to apply to my fashion sense too.
But in the last five years, my vanity has been eroded by my laziness.
This decline in giving-a-shit-about-how-I-look is a huge timesaver, but also accompanied by the sad consequence of technically not needing to buy fancy outfits.
Because:
- I will not wear them.
- It is a well-known fact that elastic-waist pants and flip-flops are superior to every other form of attire.
- I would rather save the money for whatever massively awesome, useless piece of salvage the universe has in store for me.
But once in a while I see something.
And my raccoon brain is like—I MUST HAVE THAT.
Even though I KNOW it’s a ridiculous purchase… Even though I KNOW I’ll only wear it four times… Even though I KNOW I’ll find it restrictive and itchy and clanky… It doesn’t matter. Because the raccoon gets all rabid and is like, I will BITE you, if you don’t buy me that.
If you too suffer from Raccoon-In-Head syndrome, you are familiar with this.
It was a ridiculous price. But I COULD NOT leave without it.
Plus, it was embarrassing to try to hug it through the glass.
So I bought it.
If I told you how much it was, you would think I was insane. But as of this post, it’s sold out so let’s pretend it was a normal price.
By the time I was halfway home, I realized that I could make my own version with the box of vintage pins I hoard uselessly… who wears pins? No one. So after I bought this chain, I had everything I needed to make my own, way-less-awesome necklace.
I’d like to say that I’m returning the one I bought… but the raccoon is still licking it. Plus, lets be serious— it’s called an impulse purchase, because your impulse is to keep it.
Also, in this case it was called– overwhelmed/trying to buy 5 seconds of stress-relief/Versailles was not for sale.
I had SUCH a crap day last week, that I felt close to the brink.
The brink of what? I don’t know. Whatever that is when you feel overwhelmed and close to crying hysterically/tearing your hair out.
But ALSO LIKE YOU ARE ON FIRE WITH RAGE.
And the necklace was some knee-jerk reaction to just BUY five seconds of OTHERNESS.
To just think about something else.
Even though I could go LOOK IN MY CLOSET at all the otherness I’ve ALREADY purchased. And be reminded that it’s only a brief respite…
Although, if you’re going to be on fire with rage, I guess you might as well be wearing a really nice necklace.
Also, I need to tell you how there was a time when I thought this blog was going to garner me a nice side-paycheck AND free swag.
Which? Hello? WHO IS STEALING MY SWAG?
But now I feel differently. I feel this is a revolution.
A redefining of militant—to include shiny things and abolish khaki and berets.
But also a very anxiety-riddled revolution. Where I worry that I will disappoint you. Where I worry that you will tire of me. Where I worry about the responsibility of coming up with new and entertaining things EVERY WEEK.
And where I envy the revolutionaries who came before social media… I doubt Karl Marx woke his husband in the middle of the night to tell him his greatest fear—that he would never get 100,000 “likes” on Facebook.
I will love you EVEN MORE… if you share me with your friends.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:36 am
Victoria…my dear how can anyone tire of you? You are amazing, deliciously funny and someone I am certain I would have gotten along with famously if we lived even remotely close to one another. Everyone has “bad” days, you are not impervious to what the rest of us experiences…although my image of you being a superwoman with uncanny strength that can defy the social media strains may now be slightly tarnished. (just kidding!) Write on love, you do it beautifully!
May this find you well on your way to the next big adventure!
Aloma
http://sweetaloma.wordpress.com/
July 23, 2013 @ 10:36 am
My husband keeps laughing (nervously) and saying “She’s nuts!”. Which is, as you already know, the highest form of praise.
Also? You just described my Sunday. Except I did not go to the mall.
I did have the deep desire to purchase a french Kingdom and rage, though. BIG TIME.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:37 am
I love yours better too. I have dozens of pieces that I never wear. I put them on and then wind up taking them off before I go out the door. Things around my neck (or in my ears or around my wrist) drive me crazy. And yet I still buy crap.
This is truly not a spam thing but I buy a lot of my sparkly stuff on Groopdealz (dot com). They currently have a J. Crew inspired bracelet for $10. Score!
July 23, 2013 @ 10:37 am
I like yours better.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:38 am
“Also, in this case it was called– overwhelmed/trying to buy 5 seconds of stress-relief/Versailles was not for sale.” This is SO insightful. I never realized that’s what I’m doing when I buy something so unnecessary. Thank you for putting it into words for me.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:39 am
It’s easy to be a revolutionary during a raccoon purchase. A real revolutionary is the one who is comfortable with her decision when she lays in bed and thinks about what her mother would think… 🙂
July 23, 2013 @ 10:53 am
Oh my gosh Elizabeth, I think we are related!
One time, years ago, I ran into my cousin in the parking lot at a department store and the first words out of our mouths were a simultaneous “Do not tell my mother you saw me here!” I was a grown woman with four kids of my own!
July 23, 2013 @ 10:39 am
omg – you are me. I love you. I am telling everyone on earth how completely brill you are.
I also have a sparkly racoon in my head and a mirror troll on my shoulder. I feel like I have finally met someone who truly understands me. Don’t ever quit writing, otherwise 1) I will have to be productive at work and 2) will have to go back to thinking that I am the Only One. Kind of the the Highlander, but with fewer swords and worse hair.
July 23, 2013 @ 12:22 pm
“Kind of the the Highlander, but with fewer swords and worse hair.” Actually made me laugh out loud.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:40 am
I still love you. I won’t leave you. YOUR version of the necklace is WAY better than Banana Republic’s (and I won’t shop there because the CEO hates voluputuous women and refused to make clothes for them). Sorry for the political aside. Crabby. Not enough sleep for the past, oh, 27 days. I ADORE sparklies! Keep on posting, girl!
July 23, 2013 @ 10:45 am
You made me tear up. I know you feel the pressure, but not to worry….I doubt any of us are going to forget you, nor any of the people I’ve told about you and your blog. Nor the ones they’ve told……ad infinitum. Write on, about any topic that gets into that raccoon brain. You’ve already won our loyalty, Victoria Elizabeth.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:53 am
A couple of thoughts:
1. “I’d like to say that I’m returning the one I bought… but the raccoon is still licking it.” Never mind the sparkly necklaces, that imagery is a true gem.
2. I totally get that self-combustible rage drives random purchases… as evidenced by the dinner-table-sized Gothic mirror that’s taken up residence on my bedroom floor. (Still working on that “finding a wall” thing.)
3. Oooh, pretteeeeeeeeey. I covet your necklace much more than the other. (I also wish I had a neck like yours. Very model-y.)
4. Quiet your worries. You’ll never be alone. I suspect the army of us who snap to attention at the notification of a new VEB post is building like a Stalin five-year plan.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:55 am
Dangit Siouxzie Q, you are not clickable. I wanted to get to know you better. 🙂
July 23, 2013 @ 12:48 pm
That’s right neighborly of you. I suppose I should make myself clickable, but it sounds sorta painful and complicated. BTW, I went to your site and read your latest post. Now my raccoon wants a chocolate milkshake. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
July 24, 2013 @ 9:34 am
You’re welcome. It’s a service I provide; going to mid-level eateries and getting too excited about it.
Last night it was The Melting Pot. Mmmmm warm melted chocolate all over everything.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:53 am
Thank you for naming your fear of blog abandonment. Blog-bandonment? Regardless, sign me up ! I’m here to stay.
July 23, 2013 @ 10:55 am
I love your necklace! I think it’s much prettier than the one that was ridiculously expensive. Plus, how could any of your loyal fans forget about you??
July 23, 2013 @ 10:58 am
OMG . . . raccoon brain! I knew there was a name for my desire to have all things that sparkle! LOVE IT!
July 23, 2013 @ 10:59 am
The shiny craving raccoon in my head LOVES them both.
And now, for the first time in my life I’m thinking… I don’t have enough pins and broaches…
July 23, 2013 @ 10:59 am
I understand completely the strange notion of impulse buying! Your necklace is beautiful! Thanks for sharing.
July 23, 2013 @ 11:00 am
Leave you? YOU are my Racoon-in-the-head so I can’t leave you! Glad you don’t lick though. :P~~~
July 23, 2013 @ 11:13 am
Victoria,
As your much older, “been there done that” friend, you must know:
I could never tire of your endlessly entertaining take on all things VEB LIFE…it’s wildly fun to follow (or try to) your train of thought.
Second, how many little old ladies did Banana Republic have to mug to get those broaches? Sorry, that is what grandma used to wear and stringing it on a pretty gold chain wouldn’t entice me…but that’s my old ladyish thought process. The pictures of the one you made looks great on a younger person, namely you! 😀
xo,
Karen
July 23, 2013 @ 11:14 am
Oh! Sparkly! Love it!
July 23, 2013 @ 11:26 am
Hhhummmm, “overwhelmed and close to crying hysterically/tearing your hair out. But ALSO LIKE YOU ARE ON FIRE WITH RAGE.” Check your calendar, darling.
I know, sometimes you just have to buy something to calm the nerves and keep you from beating the swag out of someone you love.
July 23, 2013 @ 11:32 am
this explains it… a raccoon in my brain, huh. I, too, MUST have the sparkly stuff, all shapes sizes and colors… then I, too, don’t wear it more than a few times, ha ha. I believe – if it doesn’t sparkle, then it’s not very valuable, right?
Can’t see me (or anyone else) tiring of you (and your blog) for a long, long time.
xoxo
July 23, 2013 @ 11:33 am
Actually a friend long ago likened me to a Myna Bird from a Disney movie. One who ‘appropriated’ sparkly things to call her own, ha ha ha. 😉