DIY upholstery: for people who love being irritated.
update: finished sofa is here.
Step 1:
Never do this.
If you decide to skip step one, I can’t help you; because after 5 seconds of this project I thought: WHY ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH DID I BUY THIS THING?
LET’S THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE RIGHT NOW.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t tell Paul about the new and improved plan of throwing the sofa directly into the trash, because earlier that afternoon I was dancing around and hooting about getting a John Jelliff loveseat for $50, and Paul said— I think you are going to spend a day on it, realize the scope of the project, get frustrated, lose interest, leave it in the garage, forget about it, then it will be in my way every time I try to work in there, and I will end up finishing it.
And I was all— what! lol! no way! YOU MUST NOT KNOW ME AT ALL!!
Fast forward three hours, I was like— GOOD NEWS FOR YOU, PAUL!
So now Paul is a certified upholsterer.
The lesson here is: know thyself.
Or alternately: marry someone who cannot stand to see an unfinished project.
Part of the problem was the tacks… this sofa frame contained all of the tacks in the entire history of mankind.
ALL OF THEM.
The tacks eradicated my will to live.
By the time I had stabbed all of my fingers with the chisel/pliers/tack-pulling-accouterments, I was like— new plan! LEAVE THE TACKS WHERE THEY ARE AND ABANDON THIS DUMPSTER FIRE.
Fortunately, Paul.
Tying the springs came next.
If you don’t know about tying springs, believe me, you’re fine.
But if you’d like an explanation, here it is:
Back in the dark ages, people didn’t have foam and cheap furniture.
So people who might otherwise have been rocket scientists, were like– OK! Let’s take this rope and these springs and secure them in a way that the furniture seat has a nice rounded rise/shape to it.
And as you look at these next photos, please process how the springs lining the frame must have DIFFERENT compression from front to back! Because it’s more fun that way!
All you have to do is be sure that the back row and side rows and front rows are more smushed than their interior counterpart, and then you also need to consider the compression on the center springs, (not TOO much! just enough!) and also be sure that it’s all EVEN and generally a gently rounded masterpiece.
I (mistakenly) consider myself a reasonably intelligent person, so I assumed I’d be able to tie knots around metal coils.
My brain was like– sure, okay! Got it! No problem!
Rope, over spring, rope, under spring, knot.
Confusion.
Try again!
Rope, spring, rope, knot.
Confusion.
Try again!
Rope, spring, ro…PAUL!!!!
I literally could not understand what was happening after the first two steps.
Even watching the youtube instructions while standing directly in front of the springs and holding the rope, I could not understand past step two.
Fortunately, Paul.
The boards on the seat are to compress the springs while getting the fabric pulled taut and smooth.
If this is the wrong way to do this part of the process, please keep that comment to yourself because any project this irritating is absolutely correct if someone else is doing it for you and you do not even have to be involved.
The base layer of fabric is upholstery jute— it’s like a very tightly-woven burlap. You want it at least 17 oz. (regular burlap is about 10 oz. per sq. yd).
We kept the original jute on the back pieces because it was in surprisingly good condition.
Wow! Almost done! All I had to do was choose fabric.
I wanted something light-colored; a true antique shade would be rich/jewel-toned, but I wasn’t going for authenticity.
I wanted something bright to highlight the sofa frame’s details and help it stand out from the portal to Narnia, (and my general fondness for buying things-I-don’t-need-and-have-no-spot-for-so-use-this-as-my-storage-inn-of-awesomeness-and-crap.)
I considered white, (because I don’t like to learn from my mistakes) but then I decided that white was too easy… white velvet exists! You can buy it! Where is the fun in that!?
So I doubled down on my commitment to manifesting the exact shade that lived in my head… a light grey-ish blue, with no whiff of green or lavender.
After going to all 57 stores on fabric row, and also to every place in a 30 mile radius, I realized that no storefront carried the imaginary fabric that lived in my head.
So irritating.
Fortunately, the internet was invented for exactly this purpose: assisting you in compulsively spending AS MUCH TIME AS NECESSARY searching for imaginary fabric.
I ordered all kinds of velvet swatches… ALL kinds. Possibly I ordered ALL OF THE SWATCHES IN ALL OF THE WORLD.
Then! Finally! Success!
I ordered the fabric… helped Paul put it on… and then realized that the one and ONLY factor in choosing upholstery fabric should NOT be your inner-color-troll of shade-perfection (she is also the manager of the custom-paint-laboratory); it should be the AVAILABILITY OF MATCHING TRIM.
So now I have to try to match trim after the fact.
And according to my research thus far, I’ve chosen a fabric that has no matching trim in all of the world.
Paul says this is because I do not think things through to their logical conclusion.
Which is A– true. And B– irrelevant, because if the perfect shade of blueish-greyish is not controlled by the laws of time and space and availability of matching trim, HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?
And also, C– on the list of mind-boggling stupid things I have done that could have been prevented by a simple application of critical thinking, this isn’t even worth mentioning.
When I die I will offer my brain to science so they can finally figure out what is wrong with me.
SEE ALL MY FAVORITE CRAIGSLIST FINDS
In other news, little man Fetcher got adopted (I got a huge # of photos from his new momma and I can see they looooooove him!!) And I got this girl Fancy Feet! (there’s another photo of her on Instagram a few days ago)
January 27, 2017 @ 6:50 pm
Experiment with dye!
January 27, 2017 @ 11:32 pm
I did the same thing.
Except it did end up in the dumpster because A. I didn’t have a Paul. And B. The tacks had become structural and it literally fell apart when we pulled the upholstery off. It did help that we got it for free. My best friend and I were roommates at the time and tackled it together. We still refer to it as the couch incident when trying to evaluate just how rosy our glasses are when deciding about a new project.
Love it!
January 28, 2017 @ 2:33 am
Victoria, when I see you’ve posted a blog, everything else stops, because I just have to see/read what you have been up to. I also vote Paul for sainthood! You two together make quite a pair! Love your style of writing and look forward to many more. (I covered a seat that matched an old-fashioned dresser, and it looked great! It was fun doing it, but there is no way I’d even THINK about upholstering anything else.) Thank you for your very enjoyable blogs!
January 28, 2017 @ 10:53 am
Hilarious… and I feel like I was reading about myself😂😂😂😂. Minus Paul. My husband would have put it on the curb forbidding me to rescue it.
January 28, 2017 @ 10:17 pm
You can dye almost anything in any color with acrylic paint and fabric medium. I dye organza, chiffon and lycra superstretch for pageant clothing using this method. I do trim, lace, etc. all to match exactly. It’s soft and wonderful! Use a good quality craft paint or paints and match the color you need then add the fabric medium to it. 1 bottle of Textile medium/2 bottles of acrylic craft paint/1 gallon of water
(needs to be heat seat either in dryer or by ironing) I use the dryer, but you WILL have to wipe out the dryer just as soon as you are done with either rubbing alcohol some other type of cleaner and dissipate fully before closing the dryer. Sounds like a big deal, but it isn’t at all.
LOVE the upholstery! I do the same thing to my husband by the way. Our carport and barn is full of unfinished projects right now!
January 29, 2017 @ 10:35 pm
Thank the Lord, you didn’t send that piece to its fiery death and it is very beautiful now! Just for future Reference if you need intricate Renaissance, or Celtic Trims… http://www.celtictrims.com/
February 4, 2017 @ 4:16 pm
Look for crystal nailhead trim. You can trim your sofa in giant sparkly fancy crystals.
February 4, 2017 @ 4:18 pm
https://www.walmart.com/ip/33606146?wmlspartner=wlpa&adid=22222222227022880757&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=40948589912&wl4=aud-273067695102:pla-78890223632&wl5=9021924&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=8175035&wl11=online&wl12=33606146&wl13=&veh=sem
February 7, 2017 @ 8:01 pm
I am laughing so hard right now!!! This is my life written by you. I am getting ready to give it another go on a chair.
February 8, 2017 @ 11:48 pm
Is there any chance we could see the progress in the kitchen? I’m dying to see the island completely finished.
February 17, 2017 @ 10:11 am
could you create your own trim out of leftover velvet like this example?
https://www.ebth.com/items/5263151-antique-morris-lounger-footstool
PS: you should really check out EBTH.com when you’ve run out of interesting things on Craigslist!
PPS: PLEASE finish your slate countertops soon! I’m anxiously wanting to copy you!
Thanks for the amazing inspiration!
March 2, 2017 @ 11:56 am
Victoria,
You are out of control, in the most loving way! God bless your wonderful husband, he comes to your rescue! Love your blog, it is just the best read ever!
March 4, 2017 @ 11:29 am
A fifty dollar John Jelliff loveseat? I am officially pea green with envy! Go you!! I also have a fabulous pair of Renaissance Revival chairs waiting on me to re-upholster. Found the perfect fabric at a garage sale but had difficulty finding the perfect trim. I think Laura may have saved me with her Etsy find. Thanks Laura! Unfortunately I don’t have a Paul so I’m going to have to do this one by myself.
March 14, 2017 @ 8:02 pm
All of the Craigslist run and fetching…prying cabinets out and moving them…..cutting slate….(my HERO) and now I hear….HE APOSTERERS???? Wait….and HE TIES SPRINGS?
After I fainted and got back up I just have to say you are the luckiest tresure hunter EVER.
July 9, 2017 @ 9:03 am
Just finish it off with nail head trim. Get the kind that comes in a roll, that you only nail like every foot or so. Problem solved
July 14, 2017 @ 2:10 pm
I kind of feel like your whole blog could be called “Fortunately, Paul”. If you wanted it to.
August 19, 2017 @ 12:48 am
Omg I laughed until I cried when I read this! I have a beautiful old couch I picked up to redo and oh god, it is a project 🙂 and my husband is not handy at ALL! Will keep this to give me perspective & hope.