126 Comments

  1. Kiki
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:33 pm

    @fixitchick:
    YESSSSS YES JAWOLL OUI SI SI ….. fixitchick is right and right….. BLUE is it, and you know WILD WOMEN DON’T GET THE BLUES 🙂
    wake up girl to a new day and your old Paul, he is the bestest…..

    Reply

  2. Darlene
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:33 pm

    Please write. I don’t care about what. I’ll read anything you write. Also please finish your kitchen so I can see how you incorporate GFTs. You must miss creating GFT moments. Miss your voice. I don’t care what color your stove is. It will look awesome anyway you do it.

    Reply

  3. ActualConversationsWithMyHusband
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:34 pm

    Sweetie… is it possible that you can’t face the kitchen because you’ve already dealt with all the Big Change you can handle right now? You pictured the house “finished” with Elvis curled up at your side, and now that’s not going to happen. This is so sad, it’s the saddest kind of sad—it’s rage-sad. Because it’s brutally unfair. The universe stole from you and now you’re supposed to not only keep getting haircuts like nothing’s wrong, but remodel a kitchen?

    But you are getting haircuts. You’re shaving your legs. And Future You will be so grateful for the effort you put in on the kitchen. Nobody (shut up, Paul) expects you to fling yourself back into it. But… maybe you could look at some fixtures? Tiles? Go on, demand a skylight on the ground floor, for old time’s sake.* Wade in slowly, so you don’t get a cramp, but you can do this. I believe in your ability to over-shop, over-plan, and drag out a remodel until you’re sick of it and finish in a mad rush.

    *seriously, google tubular skylight: it’s totally a thing

    Reply

  4. Judy
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:35 pm

    I hope you accept this with the love I am sending, but I think you have a classic sign of serious depression. I am not a professional but when my daughter was diagnosed the first time, my sister (who is a professional) told her that she will know when she is getting better (after great therapy and some medication) when things that used to excite her- but don’t now – start exciting her again. Your kitchen used to excite you. Now it paralyzes you. Please be kind to yourself and look for some professional guidance. I’m worried about you. And Paul. (I assume you screen comments before they are posted and don’t expect to see this on your page.)

    Reply

  5. kim elizabeth
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:37 pm

    VEB, Cobalt blue is absolutely my favorite color! I just about died when I saw those cobalt stoves, and if you got one like that, it would be a wonderful GFT and conversation piece, in addition to being practical!!

    Kim

    Reply

  6. Meg
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:48 pm

    I so get it. Once you are in that place you really can’t force it. Why don’t others get that? Must be zebra thinking. And if you truly don’t care about the kitchen…just let Paul get on with it. I suspect that may rekindle your interest because he can’t possibly make the right choices.

    Reply

  7. Teresa Bryan
    August 30, 2017 @ 1:51 pm

    Your Paul is obviously from a different age..and I think you are Coco Chanel…I was looking at old pictures of her the other day and as I looked at her hair, and the way the camera caught her expressions and even the way she held herself…I thought of…You..now don’t think that I stalk you or anything but you are kinda hard to forget..

    Reply

  8. Marianne in Mo.
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:01 pm

    We built our third house last year…..I totally know about brain shutdown. My man can go on and on about the same subject until I want to STAB him. He will visit EVERY car dealer before deciding on the FIRST ONE to buy from, and this takes about a years time. I shut down so often I should be a nuclear plant!
    Just continue to work your way through the only way that feels good to you – or if he is so anxious, tell him to finish it his way and when you feel better, we will redo it! LOL!
    As for color choice, I vote white with brass accents. Timeless and classic,

    Reply

  9. Johnece
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:15 pm

    When it is new, grief is a series of tsunamis that pull you under and threaten to never let you catch your breath. As time goes on, the waves settle into a gentle lapping at your ankles with beautiful memories. Wishing you a gentle tide to help you move forward.

    Reply

  10. Karen
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:19 pm

    Why not let Paul do the kitchen so he won’t be left in a state of upheaval? And you should accept what he does. You will learn to love it because you love him, and anything else would show rigidity. Please! acquire an approachable but practical therapist and consider medication for your depression. Most of us have had pets who’ve passed away (terrible!!), and most of your readers also cried for Elvis’s passing. We really grieved for you.
    Because one can acquire the habit, yes, habit, of being depressed, you want to turn it around if possible! Every day you spend in a horrible funk, suffering emotional paralysis, is one you might not have to endure if you get help.
    I hope the very best for you, because you spread a lot of light in our lives, and your relationship with Paul deserves to be strong and happy. Please keep us posted.

    Reply

  11. April
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:22 pm

    My day started with a phone call from my daughter, worried about me. Followed by a call from a friend who had gotten a call from my daughter. I assured bother that I am FINE (hmmm…) it’s just that I’m changing the medication that has kept me stable for so long, but is no longer quite doing the job. So it is decreasing, but not quite far enough to start the new replacement meds. It’s called a cross-taper. Besides, not only do I have a reason for how I am FINE, I have a new email from VEB waiting in my inbox that will make me HILARIOUSLY FINE… if I can just get off the phone and read it!

    Wasn’t prepared to have tears rolling down my cheeks as I read, but they are. We’ll blame the meds. But really…. I get “it”, and wake up, folks, this is not about stoves. I can’t even make a decision about what to have for dinner… PBJ sounds good to me every night. Or what room to start to clean. With 3 cats and a dog the dust bunnies multiply quickly. I have 3 bottoms and 5 tops that can be put together any which way and not look too bizarre…whatever my hand hits first goes on because I cannot make decisions. And because I don’t care — it just isn’t important.

    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, get some professional help. For yourself find someone who can help you start to care about important things, like what’s important to Paul. For Paul and yourself, so that RAGE PAUL can feel his zebra-ness is important to you, that you’re re-learning how to show him that, and how insecure you’re feeling on top of everything else. For your kitchen, which does not require perfection, but for Paul’s sake does require finishing. Have Paul or a trusted friend find a designer who can minimize the choices you need to make, so that Paul can go back to being Paul, and working the magnificent magic he works on your home. If you decide down the road you don’t like something you’ve chosen, you’ve got Craigslist and your blog to help you unload it, poke fun at it, and make a change. Because you’re right, in the big picture which stove you have is not important.

    Reply

  12. Ralna Cunningham
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:23 pm

    Stoves. Meh. The writing, the love, Elvis, the kittens, Paul. That is what matters. You know in your heart what you need, that is obvious. The easiest thing to do is say, “you decide Paul”. And free yourself for other things. But easy is not the usual way. The choice is yours to make. Loved this post. This coming from the wife of a builder and former perfectionist.

    Reply

    • Susan
      August 31, 2017 @ 11:04 am

      Victoria,
      It is not uncommon to have difficulty caring about things again after experiencing a loss. You don’t have apathy for everything- you’re still going out and doing things, you recognize the wonderful things in your life and you still feel happiness. Those are great. However, you’re not back to yourself. I’d like to encourage to you think about having a meeting or two with a counselor. Paul is wonderful and supportive, giving you everything he can. However, he’s not a professional. He’s helping you as best he can. Maybe talking with someone would show Paul that you’re helping yourself too. Give it some thought. A good therapist can at least give you some tools for how to talk to Paul when you feel yourself shutting down in the face of his desire to get things completed.

      Reply

  13. Aunt Kiki
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:36 pm

    Umm, uh, what? Seriously, love you. Love Paul. Sometimes read your blogs to my SO. (That you’re so completely insane it makes my rants seem normal.) But, what? What’s going on with your kitchen? Did you insult your sponsor?

    Reply

  14. Diane
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:43 pm

    Since you are stuck in I don’t careville, Paul assumes ALL decision making powers, and you agree to love Any and all choices he makes”. Problem solved.

    Reply

    • fixitchick
      September 1, 2017 @ 2:49 pm

      Nononono. Paul gets to make decisions, but must acquiesce to hearing all about how WRONG they were IN PERPETUITY. Husbands dont listen anyway. That is why they call it marital hearing.

      Reply

  15. Melanie
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:46 pm

    The royal blue one, of course. I mean seriously.

    Reply

  16. Carol
    August 30, 2017 @ 2:50 pm

    That last picture really got me! =(

    Reply

  17. MrsAmyLW
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:04 pm

    Victoria, I was completely unaware that I need a blue tiles range. Until today.

    Thanks a lot!

    – Your Grudging but Loyal Servant

    Reply

  18. Meghan
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:07 pm

    Rage Paul can get over himself and then write his own post about his faults and the ways you make his life better. You’re not the only one who got lucky in your marriage. He got the funnest blogger, the fanciest dresser, most creative remodeler (seriously, who else looks at a piano and thinks KITCHEN ISLAND or a pool table and thinks CHEAP COUNTER TOPS), the most loving cat mom, the most passionate animal activist, biggest dahlia grower, and best Edy Beale impersonator. Don’t sell yourself short lady. There is nothing wrong with your SELF and you absolutely deserve to be accepted just as you are. Tell that zebra to chill the eff out.

    The kitchen will get done when it’s time for it to get done.

    Reply

  19. Kathy Howard
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:18 pm

    This is the post of a deeply disturbed individual. I’m just kidding; I think you’re still grieving over Elvis and you aren’t ready to deal with much of anything else. Don’t be so hard on yourself! My sweet, wonderful husband died almost two years ago and I still have trouble dragging myself out of bed some days. People keep saying things will get better with time but it hasn’t happened yet. Everyone is different. So, Victoria, give yourself all the time you need to start feeling better and stop beating yourself up. But in the meantime, don’t run off Paul. After all, who would take out the trash if he weren’t around?

    Reply

  20. Meghan
    August 30, 2017 @ 3:19 pm

    Just reading some more of the comments now. Shocked by all the patriarchal bullshit. Why would Paul’s needs supersede Victoria’s??? I thought marriage vows were for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

    Reply

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