Wow… it’s been a while, eh? Where have I been?
I’ve been bending time and space with my mind.
Yes… I’m exhausted, thanks for asking.
Moving this blog only took me twenty-seven times longer than I thought it would.
The amount of time. And energy. And thought… that I’ve spent on details like my social-media icons? Has been appropriate for full-scale nuclear warfare. Or what to wear to a high-school reunion.
Those icons? Down below, in the sidebar? I picked them for YOU–you people who read my blog. Because I love you.
You’re ALL I think about.
It took me roughly 97 hours to get them to line up and have an orange border.
So I REALLY hope you like them.
My single, greatest talent is intense, paralyzing focus on one individual thing…
To the absolute exclusion of everything else.
Which is great— if you are the project du jour. But terrible and irritating if you are anyone else who might need something from me.
I am the very definition of all or nothing… I haven’t written anything, I haven’t read a book, I haven’t gone dancing, I haven’t put away Christmas stuff. I haven’t vacuumed.
I have skipped out on every single commitment and obligation that I could possibly bail on, without ending up homeless or in jail.
I have brought a level of dedication and intensity to trivial details that is alarming and unbalanced.
I have spent every free minute on minutiae so tiny, no one else will even notice. Pounding my keyboard in frustration. Adjusting the blog’s sidebars, infinitesimally, one-way and the other.
Hunched over my desk in the middle of the night… Like the Howard Hughes of blogging—locked in my office, snarling at anyone who knocks on the door… refusing to cut my fingernails and eating nothing but ice.
You can see the magic and wonder of the sidebar, right? How amazing! How different!
I know! You probably don’t even recognize this blog!
See how I rearranged it by a quarter of an inch? See? See?
It only took me three weeks!
I have NO idea what else I did!! The sidebar and widgets were some kind of time-sucking black hole of formatting… I didn’t even do any of the other things I wanted!
But it’s fine… I’m pretty sure the sidebar is the key to my success. And now that I’ve gotten it all squared away, I can just sit back and let the advertisers roll in.
Somehow? After ALL that time in a test site? I didn’t even get my big changes made.
It took me all these weeks to simply duplicate the appearance of my old blog. All this time to JUST translate it onto the template of WordPress.org
Why? Because all my time was devoted to waffling and confusion and panic and avoidance and changing my mind.
That shit takes time, people.
Also, to further delay any progress… and to exponentially intensify my confusion— I tried to learn HTML. Because when you feel terribly overwhelmed and too busy, and like you are juggling nineteen more things than you are capable of?
You should try to do one more thing.
You should also try to make that thing way outside your comfort zone. And try to make sure it doesn’t apply to anything else in your life. And absolutely make sure it’s not something you’re going to practice, so you won’t actually remember any of it a few months from now.
Since I am compulsive. And controlling– I WANT to know everything there is to know about my blog and how it works. But I forgot how I don’t actually want to LEARN it.
I just want to absorb the coding-skills to do fancy stuff, through some process of osmosis. Preferably overnight.
This is a gulf I have struggled to cross before… Pretty much anytime something is difficult.
I did learn some stuff. Absolutely. If nothing else, that decoder program looks awesome. But there is no way I have the time or interest to actually practice it.
Kind of like taking Intro to Russian… For fun. And then never going to Russia or making any Russian friends. Interesting? Sure. But only as a conversational topic at cocktail parties, where you can impress strangers with your obscure toasts and warm hats.
So what did that magic decoder program get me? This:
Clearly, I’m not setting the world on fire with my web-design skills.
If at some point in your life? You want to feel like you are NOT really as smart as your parents promised you were? Try it for yourself.
Also? As far as I can tell? HTML is not even the language WordPress is built with.
I believe WordPress is actually built with Sanskrit.
So I googled—how to learn Sanskrit to work with WordPress software.
And google was all like— WordPress was written in PHP for use with MySQL.
And I was like— wow. AWESOME! I will Get. Right. On. That.
But? I didn’t. Instead, my panic and overwhelmedness just overflowed… And I was like—you know what? I’m so tired. I just don’t care anymore.
If it explodes on takeoff, I can STOP working on it, and that will be just as good.
So? If you’re here? It means it didn’t blow up. And that I am somewhere on the other end of your computer… passed out on the floor. Surrounded by champagne bottles and notes to myself to: Figure out why lightbox gallery won’t scroll. And: Reduce space between meta data and end of post in home-page view.
And: Ask my readers—for the LOVE OF GOD. Please subscribe.
The link to subscribe via email is RIGHT THERE at the bottom of this post… It comes with free glitter, my undying gratitude, and a place to stay, if you’re ever in the Philadelphia area.
The only thing you’ll ever get from me is my awesome opinion. And? When the time comes… free Manolos for everyone.
I just joined Twitter… I have 5 followers. YOU can be #6! Get in on the ground floor!
It’s your lucky day! There’s a PREQUEL to this post… because it wasn’t long enough already!