Only idiots stop to think before they purchase things.
One of the salvage yards in Philadelphia moved locations… their stuff was a mix of hipster nonsense and amazing architectural salvage. It was unusual and well-curated and hideously expensive– a fun place to browse.
The new owners had a demolition sale at the old location and Paul and I went over there to look on Saturday morning… there was almost nothing left in the building.
It was mostly trash.
And this.
I could feel my eyes heating up because you know how I feel about fancy hinges. And my instinct was to rip the tag off and RUN to pay for this new item of gloriousness which serves no purpose.
I was mid-rip when Paul said – are you sure? You have been so single-mindedly pursuing this OTHER THING… Are you sure you want to spend $200 on THIS? What will you even DO with it? Are you sure you aren’t just being distracted by shiny things?
Normally, I would defend my hoarding ferociously, while foaming at the mouth and scurrying protectively around my new item… But for the first time ever, Self wondered– is he right?
After all, WHY do I look at this and see some cross between Strahov Abbey, a 200-year-old French bakery, and the Titanic?
That makes no sense!
This is just an old, broken chalkboard.
Why WOULD I want that?
What would I DO with it?
Is this a mistake?
Obviously these are questions only an idiot asks themselves. But in the moment, I was swayed.
Yes, you read that correctly. I WALKED AWAY.
All the way home I felt a deep sense of disquiet and agitation. But it was tempered by the awareness that I am impulsive. And covetous. And distracted by shiny things… And I need to be careful that I am not buying things just because of the primordial MINE instinct.
Paul said – you are very quiet over there.
I said – yes… Self-thwarted GFT acquisition is a deeply uncomfortable experience. I’m not sure I did the right thing… I might have made a horrible mistake.
Maybe this is the thing that will give me not-buyer’s remorse for years.
Maybe decades.
MAYBE I HAVE RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE.
I tried to be calm and remind myself that a broken chalkboard is NOT the key to my inner peace, and that material objects overall are a source of unhappiness and basically a distraction from the real meaning of life which everyone knows is cats.
But Self whispered – are you sure? Don’t you think that’s a gamble? What if those hinges ARE the meaning of life?
Do you really want someone ELSE to have it?
Why didn’t you buy it so we could BE SURE?
We could always sell it later if it turned out we didn’t NEED it.
We were about three minutes from home when I got out my phone and googled antique brass hinged chalkboard… just to see what I could have sold it for.
Self said— CONGRATULATIONS! You’re an idiot.
I said to Paul – Turnaround. TURNAROUND. TURNAROUND.
Then I reclined the seat and breathed deeply through my nose while chanting to myself: I’m an idiot, I’m an idiot, I’m an idiot… So that the universe understood that I knew I was an idiot and it did not need to mete out further punishment.
This was a completely amateur mistake for which there is no excuse.
I blame Paul for short-circuiting my natural thought process.
Please note:
1. I put the chalk in a charming antique teacup because I am a blogger and thus live only the most extraordinary of lifestyles.
2. It’s not going to sit on the floor… it’s going to get mounted to that wall at about the height of the picture frame.
*GFT= Giant Fancy Thing.
March 29, 2016 @ 12:28 pm
That is such a cool chalkboard! I’ve never seen one like it before. Chalkboards are great for decorating, you can draw or write whatever you want on them. Pinterest has some great tutorials for chalkboard art and typography.
March 29, 2016 @ 12:29 pm
FAB U LOUS ! CAN YOU IMAGINE GOING BACK TO SEE SOMEONE LOADING THEM UP??
March 29, 2016 @ 12:30 pm
That is fabulous! But it must weigh a ton. Are you sure your wall will hold it? Paul may need to do some reinforcing.
March 29, 2016 @ 12:43 pm
I’m not sure how you were able to walk away the first time…but am relieved for you that you went back! Even if it wasn’t worth over 15 times what you paid for it, it is just totally awesome! Oh the things you can write on it! List of GFTs!
March 29, 2016 @ 1:02 pm
Just curious-who would actually buy that chalkboard for $3,000+ ? Have never seen anything like this…a very curious item for sure! Love your writing style (my eyes started to burn). The “Husband of the Year” goes to Paul. He’s the most patient hubby ever, I do believe! I have a male friend like that (unmarried, and supposedly a confirmed bachelor but I’m working on him!). We love to go antiquing and he loves oddities and old, rusted things that can be made useful. It’s so much fun isn’t it! Enjoy your chalkboard!
March 29, 2016 @ 1:05 pm
This pretty much sums up my life.
And my marriage.
And reminds me of the vintage caster-ed wire laundry basket that I will have engraved on my tombstone as my biggest regret for not purchasing.
Because I’m shallow like that.
But, it haunts me still.
March 31, 2016 @ 1:31 am
LOL! In my mind, filed away, are list of things I did not purchase that hiss at me. I get a bitter taste in my mouth when I remember them. One I blame my husband for and I have to suppress the urge to smack him when I think of it or when I see something similar for like 5x the price.
I stopped consulting him. I also stopped worrying about him ranting that I’m a hoarder with zero regard for fiscal responsibility, the laws of logical space, and the importance of eating food instead of purchasing furniture.
April 1, 2016 @ 10:36 pm
” …Suppress the urge to smack (husband) ….ranting that I am a hoarder.” You are fabulous, You prob have great taste girl. What is wrong with men anyways, don’t they understand that the world would be slobs in caves without some insane chicks with cool taste and no regard for practicalities?
March 29, 2016 @ 1:07 pm
Thank you!! I was in bad need of a GFT day! As I cannot own such thing myself, I must live vicariously through you. What would I ever do without you?
March 29, 2016 @ 1:12 pm
girly-u crack me up every time and i love love love your writing. i m still waiting for the pic of plant free area where the GFT went-next to the window if im not mistaken.
March 29, 2016 @ 1:19 pm
Victoria, you refer to it as a “broken” chalkboard. Where and how is it broken and what will it take to fix it? I adore this and will snap it up in a hurry if I ever come across one but I want to know how to make it whole if there is a problem with my future imaginary fabulous find.
March 29, 2016 @ 1:38 pm
Dear Victoria Elizabeth,
Is that indeed your given name? I only ask because it is almost too perfect for that to actually be your name. Also, how do you bend Paul to your will so successfully? Please let me in on your secret. I’m not married, but this information would certainly be useful to have.
March 29, 2016 @ 1:41 pm
Your finds always make me scour Craigslist and yard sales and thrift stores more fervently than usual for a few days after I’ve read your posts.
🙂
http://gwingal.blogspot.com/
March 29, 2016 @ 1:42 pm
NEVER second guess yourself again. This is fabulous!
March 29, 2016 @ 1:51 pm
You are a genius! And I am sure we are related, although I got the short and squat genes while you received the lithe and lanky ones. “Do you really want someone ELSE to have it?” Those we nearly my exact thoughts when I decided to purchase my 106 year old farmhouse, which I lovingly named Crone Cottage. I did not want someone else to have her eight lightning rods. So, I left the philandering husband in Oregon and drove to North Carolina with my mini dachshunds, Rose and Fiona. What made this move extra special is that I now live just eight miles from my one grandchild. This area is beautiful and an added bonus is that Moonshiner, Josh Owens, lives just three minutes away. Visiting him, Amber and Cutiepie is always so pleasant. I love the south and my moving days are over! Crone Cottage and her yard keep me busy and my hoarder gene is content with following your quest for the next GFT. Consider yourself validated. So when’s our next family reunion?
March 29, 2016 @ 9:00 pm
This was the nicest tale of a Life smartly lived…I firmly believe the time has come to re name your Cottage to something befitting someone as sharp and smart as yourself. It sounds just lovely and not Crone like at all.
March 29, 2016 @ 1:56 pm
My best girlfriend and I are totally in love with your blog! You have the best sense of humor and are a great writer!! I talked to my friend this morning and she said “Victoria would totally get us!”
She and I have traveled all over the country going to flea markets and antique stores. Fortunately, I have a husband that is almost as bad. We have had so much fun searching for treasures. Thank you for your blog…..a bright spot in my day!
March 29, 2016 @ 2:23 pm
When can we register for your class Professor Barnes??
March 29, 2016 @ 2:23 pm
In doing the GFT math I’m pretty sure Paul owes you $3650 towards your GFT in Arkansas. *Never doubts Self again.*
March 29, 2016 @ 2:26 pm
Love the chalkboard! So glad you went back it is awesome!!!
March 29, 2016 @ 2:50 pm
Yes, you can always sell it if the novelty wears off, and like my contractor said when we were building a house 10 years ago, “It’s only money.”
March 29, 2016 @ 3:32 pm
I got a pair of big (not quite giant) fancy doors there for $75 in 2013 and then saw another one just like mine for $300. I tried to get the price reduced to $60 and I was almost embarrassed for asking. It’s funny though what things are really expensive and which ones are cheap.
March 29, 2016 @ 3:50 pm
I love your posts. The pursuit of GFT’s & shiny things just makes my day. I wish there were more of them! Wonderfully entertaining & a bright spot i always look forward to.