Kitchen planning frustration — I’ll be William Wallace. Paul can be the Irish guy.
Paul and I spent Saturday discussing the kitchen… Or rather, we began a conversation about the kitchen which morphed into generalized irritation, which seamlessly merged into every fight we have ever had about anything house-related.
The kind of irritation that makes you want to lay down on the floor in surrender and say– I give up. You win. This entire conversation is all yours.
Knock. Yourself. Out.
But instead you tiredly suit up for combat because for some reason you must defend the honor of your irritation.
The worst fights are the ones you see coming from five miles away, do not want to get involved in, but are FORCED to because the other person insists on being as irrational as possible.
At one point it occurred to me that I could just walk away and say– you know what? We have already had this fight 57,000 times. Do you have anything new to add? Because I don’t, and I should go do laundry.
But that would have been reasonable and adult-like, and not at all governed by my rage-brain-reaction to Paul’s insistence on communicating in the most impossible way possible.
Besides, does this look like a person concerned with laundry?
What Paul is frustrated about is all of the projects that I have gummed up and slowed down… and the way I have generally brought all progress to a screeching halt.
I am too slow. I am too indecisive. I overthink. And change my mind. I need to do research. And search. And reconsider. And search some more.
I have opinions on EVERYTHING.
Also, I lack focus.
I am distracted by things I want to go get on Craigslist, outfits I need to make, ideas for blog posts I write halfway and never finish, and new ideas for Christmas decorating.
I am full of magical, sparkly stuff and bluebirds.
And I’m unreliable and living on my own planet.
Then, I am tired and need to lie down.
The things that are unique about me do NOT improve Paul’s life. In fact, they make his life more difficult.
On the other hand, the things that make Paul unique improve my life immensely.
So it is a strange dynamic – where I understand WHY he finds me frustrating. But he does not understand why it is not FAIR of him to find me frustrating… It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.
Also, for the record – there are PLENTY of things about Paul that I find incredibly aggravating. Specifically: the way he will cram EVERYTHING THAT IS IN NEED OF BEING WASHED into the washing machine.
As though the machine works solely by virtue of items being placed INSIDE of it. With no relation to the actual specifics of WASHING clothing– agitating, rinsing, cleanliness, etc.
other posts about frustration/stress/near-madness:
bath, porch, construction, communication
November 5, 2014 @ 4:12 pm
My husband, MoonPie, loves to point out that my inability to make quick decisions drives him crazy. I, in turn, love to point out that his tendency to make hasty decisions is the reason we’re married in the first place. Either way, it’s not my fault.;)
November 5, 2014 @ 4:44 pm
Quiet time with good wine in a Giant Fancy Wine Glass will do the trick.
Six years ago, I took one little peek through the window of a 136 year old house and said this is it…….without even going in to investigate further. It was a boarded up mess. My partner didn’t win that battle and now realizes the futility in objecting when I go nuts over an antique toilet that MUST live with us or drag home a giant cherry fireplace that I snatched from the claws of a demolition crew. Don’t worry. I’ll FIND a place for it…….
Thanks for the validation of my very existence!
November 5, 2014 @ 4:46 pm
Thank god you guys don’t pretend to be perfect like the rest of the internets! Sorry to hear you had a rough weekend.. but at least there is another one right around the corner 🙂 My husband said something to me once that really struck a chord.. “Sometimes its just better to get it done.” It was while I was fighting for us to do something my way, instead of his way – I can’t even remember what – but I thought you know what? I am tired of fighting. Sure let’s do it your way. AND he did it, and it was fine, no one died, and the best part was THE PROJECT ENDED! 🙂 Hang in there… you guys will work it out.
November 5, 2014 @ 4:52 pm
Wait. Halloween was last week. Did I miss something? Was there a post that was lost somewhere between your computer and my computer?
And then Christmas is coming and I see on a certain website (GW) there are questions about “Is glitter really necessary for Christmas”? Yes, people are questioning glitter.
Everything I’ve come to count on is just falling apart.
I need your Halloween post, and I need fancy sparkly glitter.
Let’s send Paul on a business trip (preferably overseas because they take longer than domestic trips), then I’ll swing by and we will do the kitchen thing before he gets back.
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
November 6, 2014 @ 1:02 pm
EHHH? Who dares speak sacrilege against glitter?
And speaking of sacrilege, I was too busy to do my Halloween post… as you said– “Everything I’ve come to count on is just falling apart.”
November 5, 2014 @ 5:08 pm
Agree with all of the above – I too shall adopt the clever remark that wise choices were made on one side of the couple in question! Love, love, love this post – really made my evening (your mornings are my evenings!).
November 5, 2014 @ 6:31 pm
I am amazed that your husband hasn’t figgered out that you can get a decision made rite quick when you’re got everything torn out or partially torn out…
November 5, 2014 @ 9:35 pm
So Paul obviously over thinks most of the time. I hear my hubby complaining about my closet and collection all the time. Instead of laying of the floor and saying “you win, I give up, knock yourself out”. I look at him and laugh my merry self out of the room. All the while saying “If I’m happy that’s all that matters dude and you know I’m right!” Hang in there your passion for things have inspired us all.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:15 pm
Ain’t marriage grand?
November 5, 2014 @ 10:19 pm
Best. Line. Ever…”It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.” I would love to have this engraved on a plaque, or at the very least, painted on a sign. While he may complain about the process, if he had no appreciation for magnificence, he would not be with you. You could remind him of that when he complains and moans. You will finish the house, and it will be breathtaking; just as you imagined it. Hang in there.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:29 pm
The only response that comes to mind: “FREEDOM!” 😉
November 5, 2014 @ 10:30 pm
Funny, I could have written this post myself (although not so cleverly). Then again, we don’t do arguments. We have perfected the art of passive aggression. Better to argue.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:31 pm
Oh, I didn’t mean freedom from Paul. That was a battle cry.
November 5, 2014 @ 11:12 pm
Just arrived at your blog a couple of days ago . Gobbled up all your posts and laughed right out loud . Will be following them and know you will brighten up my day with your off balance humor.
November 6, 2014 @ 12:48 am
VEB ~ YOU. ARE. AMAZING. The End.
November 6, 2014 @ 5:17 am
This post disappointed me. I really enjoy your blog very much. I expected a post with more content.
November 6, 2014 @ 6:01 am
I love how you describe the fight starting as a conversation, morphing to irrirtation and then to full-blown battle. So many fights start from innocent conversations! My husband and I have very different ideas on how we should proceed with our house, to the point that it’s such a touchy subject, we just avoid it altogether and the house stays static.
November 6, 2014 @ 8:38 am
He must have liked the sparkly stuff and bluebirds because he married you and agreed to go on this old house journey somewhat knowing how long it would take. At some point, he will bend to your methods as your successes pile up and the recognition increases. I KNOW, because that is what is happening to me 27 yrs in and 8 yrs in…
November 7, 2014 @ 3:34 am
I have a checklist for Handsome Husband. It pretty much remains static except for the category which quotes the number of years he has had to endure this…me.
I can now hand him the nifty checklist and go for a drive to my favorite candy store while he ticks off his grievances….
Has too many animals…CHECK!
Never wants to go camping…DUH! CHECK!
Thinks the garden is more important than (fill in the blank)…CHECK!
…and…just…altogether…not like him…CHECK!
Pretty universal stuff.
I think I should make a marital grievance checklist…sell it on Amazon…I’ll be rich!
Maybe a bunch of us incorrigible bloggers could meet at my favorite candy store next time…whilst our husbands apoplectically check boxes with ballpoint pens?
Victoria Elizabeth Barnes
November 7, 2014 @ 11:50 am
I had some clever response which went RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD when I clicked over and saw that crown… now I will spend the rest of my day searching (fruitlessly) for what my life is missing.
November 7, 2014 @ 12:12 pm
You have half of your day back…
No need to thank me!
November 7, 2014 @ 11:46 pm
Jeeze-Louise Victoria Did you see those Irish Pub Bars at the site of the Crown? There’s a Party Kitchen for Ya-Who needs appliances when there’s a Party going on. And think of how happy you both would be-that is till you lost your jobs and the house and of course the Damn Bar that started it all.
November 7, 2014 @ 1:54 pm
In my house, I make all of the decisions. Much easier that way.
Tell Paul you have ADHD….
November 7, 2014 @ 4:57 pm
Perspective and a great sense of humor! Why your lovely romance will survive . . .very useful when skirmishes break in to open combat.
Here is an exercise that will help you – get a clean legal pad. Make a list of things/equipment/concepts you AGREE upon. Talk equipment (men love to talk equipment) – kitchens, more than most places are full of useful equipment. So, for instance, your pad might list “stainless french door fridge” or “paneled viking fridge” or separate fridge and freezer cabinet ddepth”
“sink at window / sink in island”
concepts equipmen t.
“Fancy layered crown moulding atop cabinets”
If you come to something you don’t agree on, DON’T write it down.
the list will be longer than you think. That can be the basis for the next meeting which is harder – what you don’t yet have complete agreement on –
layout of course but keep the 1 pad only for agreement
it will grow in length – the undecideds will shrink until you are trading – this is important to me, I’ll give you that . . .. I can live with that . .. .
Paul – we adore you both. Clearly you marriewdwh
a woman who cherishes you – take the passion and channel it into something that will facilitate purring/.Ease of communication. . .