Kitchen planning frustration — I’ll be William Wallace. Paul can be the Irish guy.
Paul and I spent Saturday discussing the kitchen… Or rather, we began a conversation about the kitchen which morphed into generalized irritation, which seamlessly merged into every fight we have ever had about anything house-related.
The kind of irritation that makes you want to lay down on the floor in surrender and say– I give up. You win. This entire conversation is all yours.
Knock. Yourself. Out.
But instead you tiredly suit up for combat because for some reason you must defend the honor of your irritation.
The worst fights are the ones you see coming from five miles away, do not want to get involved in, but are FORCED to because the other person insists on being as irrational as possible.
At one point it occurred to me that I could just walk away and say– you know what? We have already had this fight 57,000 times. Do you have anything new to add? Because I don’t, and I should go do laundry.
But that would have been reasonable and adult-like, and not at all governed by my rage-brain-reaction to Paul’s insistence on communicating in the most impossible way possible.
Besides, does this look like a person concerned with laundry?
What Paul is frustrated about is all of the projects that I have gummed up and slowed down… and the way I have generally brought all progress to a screeching halt.
I am too slow. I am too indecisive. I overthink. And change my mind. I need to do research. And search. And reconsider. And search some more.
I have opinions on EVERYTHING.
Also, I lack focus.
I am distracted by things I want to go get on Craigslist, outfits I need to make, ideas for blog posts I write halfway and never finish, and new ideas for Christmas decorating.
I am full of magical, sparkly stuff and bluebirds.
And I’m unreliable and living on my own planet.
Then, I am tired and need to lie down.
The things that are unique about me do NOT improve Paul’s life. In fact, they make his life more difficult.
On the other hand, the things that make Paul unique improve my life immensely.
So it is a strange dynamic – where I understand WHY he finds me frustrating. But he does not understand why it is not FAIR of him to find me frustrating… It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.
Also, for the record – there are PLENTY of things about Paul that I find incredibly aggravating. Specifically: the way he will cram EVERYTHING THAT IS IN NEED OF BEING WASHED into the washing machine.
As though the machine works solely by virtue of items being placed INSIDE of it. With no relation to the actual specifics of WASHING clothing– agitating, rinsing, cleanliness, etc.
other posts about frustration/stress/near-madness:
bath, porch, construction, communication
November 5, 2014 @ 10:14 am
Chocolate. And a nap. That ought to fix you right up until Paul comes to his damn senses.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:35 am
I was going to suggest booze, but chocolate and a nap works too!
November 6, 2014 @ 6:53 am
Booze and chocolate followed by a good nap works best of all. No need to ask how I know this:)
November 5, 2014 @ 10:16 am
If Paul is up for grabs, I want him! 🙂
Seriously, he needs to realize you are a genius and work on an entirely different level.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:18 am
And that, in a nutshell (or blog post), is what marriage is all about–trying hard not to be driven crazy by the other person. I’m in the middle of a kitchen remodel and my husband is the researcher and I am the decider. This has mostly worked out, THIS TIME. He gives me the options, and I make a decision. Sometimes he cares more than me, and sometimes I care more than him. Luckily, we stared all this 7 months ago so there has been plenty of time for his research and I met the goal of being done by Thanksgiving. It only took us 25 years to figure this out. I love your posts!!
November 5, 2014 @ 10:21 am
You guys need the sign I got for my husband:
I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:26 am
HaHaHa! You just make me smile in my heart 🙂
November 5, 2014 @ 10:27 am
Keep up the fight! I have recently acquired a baby kingdom mirror AND a sort of fancy wardrobe from craigslist. I haven’t done a single thing to copy Paul 🙂 #livelikeVEB
November 5, 2014 @ 10:38 am
You BEYOND made my day… Truely.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:29 am
I love this post 🙂
November 5, 2014 @ 10:29 am
Hang in there! You’ve made your house a home….so you must be doing something right.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:36 am
defend the honor of your irritation…epic line. Oh good nite this post made me laugh. out. loud.
November 5, 2014 @ 11:12 am
Oh me too! I love that line. I’m going to remember it. A friend of mine said to me the other day — You and your husband have rehabbed two houses? And you’re still married?
That’s because we’ve accepted that we can have the same fight 57,000 times.
This post made me spit out my coffee in laughter!
November 5, 2014 @ 10:36 am
I have 19 half finished projects on the go and I do not let my husband anywhere near the washing machine. He dumps stuff in a basket on top of it. Last time he washed anything it went through on boil wash as he selected #1 as it was the first number he saw.
Keep on venting on this blog – you make me smile ♥
November 5, 2014 @ 10:37 am
The way we work it in our marriage. 1) first we kinda agree that the design thing needs to be replaced, updated, painted, have new lights or whatever … well, I SUGGEST it and he eventually comes around. 2) I do all the reseach online, in stores, picking out paint chips and give him his choice of up to three items (sometimes it’s only one but it’s still a choice). 3) facing an unstoppable force, he picks one. 4) I call schedule our handy guy (not my husband… that’s the key to getting him to go along with the whole thing). 5) I buy all the materials and set it all up. 6) handy guy does the work and I clean up. 7) my husband promptly takes credit for the whole project.
And everybody is happy.
February 3, 2015 @ 3:34 pm
You Patricia are a very brilliant woman… only way to fly
November 5, 2014 @ 10:37 am
My husband and I rarely fight. But when we do, it’s about renovations. And then the fights are HUGE. So fun.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:38 am
But he’s really good at doing laundry…
November 5, 2014 @ 10:40 am
Victoria, you’ve been on my mind this past week. I’ve been thinking about Christmas and what fantastic things you have in the works. And I have to add now that I’ve read this post that I am so grateful for your honesty. I thought I was the only one distracted by a shiny object. Truly, I did. But there is you and I find great comfort in our similarities and more specifically, logic. I get you. I’m like you and that makes me very happy. My Dan is like your Paul. They are amazing but lack the creativity and understanding to just KEEP UP!! Sheesh. Thank you for this. Rock on my sister, rock on.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:46 am
You crack me up! You must live in my head…..are we crazy or do the men in our lives miss out on our “ever-so-cute” ways. Isn’t this why they fell in love with us? Why do we stay with them? Is it because we love their steadiness? What the hay is going on? I’d like to know, this is exhausting! BTW you are a remarkable writer. Love how you share you and your husband’s stuff. Not only can I relate, I find it comforting that I’m not the only Desi and Lucy Ricardo, in a Ward and June Cleaver world. Thanx.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:50 am
I have no idea what you’re talking abou — LOOK! SOMETHING SHINY! *runs to it*
November 5, 2014 @ 10:50 am
I love this post. Who hasn’t felt this way in their marriage? My great epiphany was when I learned not to tell my husband (in detail) how I was spending my time unless he asked. I learned to wait until I had most of my ideas formed/research done BEFORE I proposed the next project. Then minor changes seemed reasonable, and the clock began ticking on his watch.
November 5, 2014 @ 10:51 am
This conversation/fight sounds like it could have been lifted from my house! I know how those comments and certain ‘looks’ can burn holes right through your excitement of the ‘new’ project….Don’t they know how that hinders progress? I am a secret ‘recovering creative’, reluctant to share with the ‘good spouse’…haha…
November 5, 2014 @ 10:53 am
You are so funny!! A great way to start my morning, reading this! I, and I am sure many others can relate to your posting. Will be forwarding this to several friends, sister and my Mother!
November 5, 2014 @ 10:58 am
So that is it… No actual kitchen planning? I am disappointed in this post… Sure, talk about how you fight about it but at least show some photos of what he has in mind… Something.
November 12, 2014 @ 10:30 pm
This makes me laugh. I’m always amazed she has fans that really just care what her kitchen looks like.
November 16, 2014 @ 8:47 am
The post need be nothing more than it is-I can assure you there are Blogs that will show you their kitchens-in the planning stage, the possible,probable,everything going swimmingly, falling apart @the studs, costing a Kings Ransom, found in an Alley,country,city,farm style ad nauseum but nobody does blogging like VictoriaElizabethBarnes.com. Kitchens Bah! Who needs em when one is laughing raucously?