Kitchen planning frustration — I’ll be William Wallace. Paul can be the Irish guy.
Paul and I spent Saturday discussing the kitchen… Or rather, we began a conversation about the kitchen which morphed into generalized irritation, which seamlessly merged into every fight we have ever had about anything house-related.
The kind of irritation that makes you want to lay down on the floor in surrender and say– I give up. You win. This entire conversation is all yours.
Knock. Yourself. Out.
But instead you tiredly suit up for combat because for some reason you must defend the honor of your irritation.
The worst fights are the ones you see coming from five miles away, do not want to get involved in, but are FORCED to because the other person insists on being as irrational as possible.
At one point it occurred to me that I could just walk away and say– you know what? We have already had this fight 57,000 times. Do you have anything new to add? Because I don’t, and I should go do laundry.
But that would have been reasonable and adult-like, and not at all governed by my rage-brain-reaction to Paul’s insistence on communicating in the most impossible way possible.
Besides, does this look like a person concerned with laundry?
What Paul is frustrated about is all of the projects that I have gummed up and slowed down… and the way I have generally brought all progress to a screeching halt.
I am too slow. I am too indecisive. I overthink. And change my mind. I need to do research. And search. And reconsider. And search some more.
I have opinions on EVERYTHING.
Also, I lack focus.
I am distracted by things I want to go get on Craigslist, outfits I need to make, ideas for blog posts I write halfway and never finish, and new ideas for Christmas decorating.
I am full of magical, sparkly stuff and bluebirds.
And I’m unreliable and living on my own planet.
Then, I am tired and need to lie down.
The things that are unique about me do NOT improve Paul’s life. In fact, they make his life more difficult.
On the other hand, the things that make Paul unique improve my life immensely.
So it is a strange dynamic – where I understand WHY he finds me frustrating. But he does not understand why it is not FAIR of him to find me frustrating… It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.
Also, for the record – there are PLENTY of things about Paul that I find incredibly aggravating. Specifically: the way he will cram EVERYTHING THAT IS IN NEED OF BEING WASHED into the washing machine.
As though the machine works solely by virtue of items being placed INSIDE of it. With no relation to the actual specifics of WASHING clothing– agitating, rinsing, cleanliness, etc.
other posts about frustration/stress/near-madness:
bath, porch, construction, communication
November 5, 2014 @ 11:00 am
Same thing, different day… there goes Paul being unreasonable, again.
You sort of just have to sigh about the guy, and pat him on top of the head (in your mind) and smile at him. 😉
My husband is just like Paul, but nothing like him at all. He didn’t marry as well as I did, either.
Garden, Home and Party
November 5, 2014 @ 11:26 am
I always wonder why most men feel the need to weigh in on design ideas for the home, I mean it’s not like they notice most of the pretty stuff, right? 🙂 Your kitchen is going to be wonderful thanks as much to you and your great ideas as it will be thanks to Paul for implementing those great ideas. 🙂
November 5, 2014 @ 11:26 am
Made my morning!
November 5, 2014 @ 11:27 am
“It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.”
This is the most brilliant observations about relationships ever written!
November 5, 2014 @ 6:02 pm
Amen and amen. Brilliant.
November 5, 2014 @ 11:28 am
“Slow, indecisive, lack of focus, over think, change mind, tired and in need of a nap”……..yup, sounds pretty normal to me, that’s about how I operate!! Remember also Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars……….they can’t help they were born on the wrong planet lol…………..love your post, always entertaining and a hoot to read!
November 5, 2014 @ 11:33 am
The BEST marriage advice we received early in our marriage (we’ve now been married 41 years).
“Teamwork triumphs, rivalry wrecks, protection pays.” You marriage and how you cherish and respect one another is far more important than who is right or wrong, Paul’s way of doing things, or your “big fancy” things. Don’t let STUFF get in the way of your obvious GREAT MATCH and GIFT of one another.
November 5, 2014 @ 11:38 am
I know you know what I’m going to offer but I have never let that small detail hamper my infinite supply of unwanted, unsolicited advice. All of the qualities you named for you both is exactly why you are together. I married a Chemical Engineer, who existed in a reality where all the walls and woodwork should be painted white because that was clean and hygienic. He went to work did his job came home and repaired mowed changed the oil etc. And was Happy? Happy? I don’t think happy entered his mind-he was minutely satisfied that he always did the “right thing”. I read constantly, loved color and Art and wondering about all of the unanswerable questions. How many Universes are there? Why are there fleas and flies in the World? I finally realize my Karma was to get him to lighten up, not care so much about the work of life and have some fun. His was to get me to get serious, cut down on the flights of fancy and finish at least half of the jobs, projects I started. We made a rule if we started to fight an old fight we had to stop and laugh out loud at the absurdity of trying to agree on everything and just let sleeping dogs lie. I think you may be right brain and left brain dominant and the two war with each other-Logic side says “Don’t even go there Victoria and the lovely fairy creature murmurs-“Oh do-Lets go exactly there Cause its where Beauty and Music and Wonderful Shining things abide. So don’t forget to love you as much as you love Paul cause you are The” cats pajamas” Kiddo………………… and so say we all!
November 5, 2014 @ 11:49 am
You are my husband’s dream girl! We seriously had the same kitchen “discussion ” this past weekend. We’re remodeling our old house kitchen, too.
November 5, 2014 @ 11:55 am
This may be the best sentence I’ve ever seen written in a blog, ” It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.” I’m laughing so hard in my head right now.
November 5, 2014 @ 12:06 pm
From the perspective of a person who is now in the midst of reorganizing the entire house because my projects have so proliferated that I can’t find anything until I do, but who would really rather deal with the five projects on the kitchen counter than finish sorting boxes of important materials (or, better yet, use the kitchen counter for an elaborate cooking project, now that there’s no room on it)… you’re the one I sympathize with.
From the perspective of a person who’s done home improvement, I am totally Team Paul.
It is probably time to make some choices, if only to free up physical and mental space for being distracted by new sparkly things.
November 5, 2014 @ 12:14 pm
I like Kat’s #livelikeVEB hashtag. And the Braveheart references. And the entire blog. Love when I get an email notifying me of a new post! 😀
November 5, 2014 @ 1:05 pm
My husband of 28 years has always done his own laundry, and he has only burned up the washing machine motor twice by filling the tub as full as he could pack things in and then turning on the water. The first time, the house filled up with smoke, and he called the fire department, imploring them not to use the sirens, but they did anyway. I was standing outside in the rain (after dark, in November, in Michigan) with two preschoolers in their snowsuits while he explained to the nice firemen how the smoke happened. The second time he overfilled the machine, his mother was visiting! He figured out what was happening when he smelled smoke, before the house filled up with it, so we didn’t need the fire department that time. Just a new washing machine motor. He hasn’t overfilled the machine since then (see, some husbands are trainable!). I taught our two boys how to do their own laundry as soon as they were tall enough to load the machine – but not overload it! They are independent adults now and both do their own laundry without ever needing the fire department.
November 5, 2014 @ 5:41 pm
“…both do their own laundry without ever needing the fire department.” – loved this line. Their future partners will thank you :)!
November 5, 2014 @ 1:33 pm
This is life. It’s full of feelings that are going to change in a few hours/days/months, and sometimes if we are unwise we make permanent decisions on transitory feelings that we’re sorry about later. Decisions like “Yes! I CAN live with a living room that looks like the Gryffindor Common Room (minus an awesome fireplace) because then it will be a living room again and not an echoing pit of emptiness and dirt, and I can get on with preparing Thanksgiving for my extended family!” Nevermind that while red is my favorite color, gold is NOT. (which is of course the color of the walls.) Remember your perception of what you are to Paul is Yours, not necessarily His. And hang in there. Kitchens are hard.
November 5, 2014 @ 1:56 pm
My husband always says this when we meet new people. “We married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” After 30 years I think I did alright. We are opposites like you and Paul and we have mellowed enough to actually be reasonable people. Our kitchen was done BEFORE/DURING our daughters wedding. Finish your kitchen now so you don’t have to do it while deciding on wedding details. (:
Love your blog. (:
November 5, 2014 @ 1:58 pm
So, one of the sections I added to my House Renovation OneNote (which is awesome for organizing stuff) was titled “Decisions” with sub pages of “Made”, “To Be Made”, and the very important “Still Arguing About”
Just sayin.. 😉
November 5, 2014 @ 2:26 pm
You are awesome. I love everything about this post.
Best line ever: It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.
You should get that on a t-shirt to wear with your kilt for your next big fight.
Oh and I love your husband. I think he’s marvelous- in spite of his laundry foibles.
Happy kitchen fighting!
November 5, 2014 @ 3:20 pm
Ah, the washing machine loading issue.
Do they want to do it all in one load, or are they confused as to why they can’t fill it up all the way to the top as logic dictates it should be? (“If it can’t hold clothes all the way to the top, why’d they make it that big?”)
The world may never know.
November 5, 2014 @ 3:29 pm
I love that you make me feel normal!
November 5, 2014 @ 3:50 pm
Haaaaaahaha! You are my clone. Or I am your clone. Its exhausting being the artsy one, the dreamer, the visionary in the house isn’t it?! That’s why when I take a utility knife to the retchedly alwful carpet in one of the bedrooms of our rental house, I get reeeaaaally tired because I thought about the potential gorgeousness of the room far to long and I can’t finish what I’ve started. And so, I hack away at the carpet for only ten minutes tops and then realize Chad was right, he told me to wait. Because he understood the carpet was actually glued down for 100 years and I needed man hands to rip it up. But I just can’t wait and rationalize. I needed to see a bare floor! Furniture, even used, ugly furniture, looks better on wood floors than wall to wall salmon colored carpet. Anyway, I digress. Ever have those moments? You totally crack me up with your moments! Thanks for the comic relief.
November 5, 2014 @ 4:08 pm
“It is not my fault that I was smarter when choosing my partner than he was.” Best. Defense. Ever. I have to use that one in my next argument with my honey. I’m sure I’ll appreciate it.