The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnightā¦
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it againā¦ and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head saidā you should find out what that is.
And I was likeā look, mirror-troll:
A. Paulās head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll saidā what if itās fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was likeā S.C.O.R.E.
But I was likeā ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll saidā I bet itās not that big.
I bet they didnāt even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was likeā word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casuallyā do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was likeā WHAT?
No.Ā No, I do not.
I was likeā oh, okay, wellā¦ we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane.Ā But now I see it as a stage in the KĆ¼bler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he saidā what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question.Ā To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out…Ā He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul saidāshould we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy saidā itās in the alley, under a tarpā¦ it doesnāt fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul saidā wait. What?Ā How big is this?
The guy saidāabout 12 feet.
Paul saidāTWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfullyā look! Thatās NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He saidā did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I saidā no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didnāt even acknowledge that itās pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was likeā I think Iām going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll saidā I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was likeā alrighty then.Ā YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Letās pack it up.
Paul saidā are you kidding me?Ā Are you evenĀ seeingĀ the same thing I am?
And I was likeā look at me.Ā Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets.Ā Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone.Ā But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CANāT.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, Iām fine with murderous irritationā¦ itās a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, itās not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brianās truckā¦ and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She saidā WOW!Ā I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paulā my mom loves it!
Paul said– thatās because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true.Ā And also why I love them.
Whatās that?
Youāre thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck.Ā And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 timesā OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were likeā what are you going to do with it?
And Iām confused by what that question means.
Iām not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
June 25, 2013 @ 10:03 am
I’d have to accidentally put a hammer thru it – divorce court, here I come.
June 25, 2013 @ 10:09 am
Oh my, YES! This was so funny and so perfect. A kingdom! Why, yes it is!
June 25, 2013 @ 10:54 am
So now living up to the Jones’s means I need MY OWN Kingdom. Fantastic story.
June 25, 2013 @ 11:03 am
It’s gorgeous! I thought this post was going to be about organ harvesting or something, so this was really a nice surprise.
June 25, 2013 @ 11:20 am
Paul, do you have pics of the warehouse full of all the junk that isn’t giant mirrors?
Thanks! (My wife is also nuts!)
June 25, 2013 @ 11:22 am
Holy shit. I love it when people link to blogs that make me laugh all by myself. You are adorable and the mirror, though not my style, is definitely fantastic and ABSOLUTELY looks like a kingdom. Enjoy admiring it from all angles.
June 25, 2013 @ 11:38 am
$280 was a bargain for that! It’s gorgeous.
June 25, 2013 @ 11:42 am
This went in a completely different direction than expected. Effing awesome.
June 25, 2013 @ 12:02 pm
OMG… this is way cool… and something i would totally do….. ha… great story and mirror…
June 25, 2013 @ 12:04 pm
I have to tell you, I didn’t mean to comment. Because while I have had my Craigslist furniture ‘episodes,’ I am not currently restoring anything nor do I have plans to do so in the near future. BUT, I have an extreme weakness for people who can take the ordinary and make it howlingly funny. And, my family is also an insane enabler with no concept of reality. So really, how could I NOT leave a little snaps here? A most excellent post š
June 25, 2013 @ 12:14 pm
Um, holy crap. In so many ways. Ok yes, so it is a completely fantastic KINGDOM-TOPPED MIRROR and all, but the truly mindblowing part for me was getting to the end and seeing that it matches one you already have! Truly the universe did want you to have this.
June 25, 2013 @ 12:16 pm
LOL – great post! I love the reaction from Paul – so typical and so funny. What a delightful find! Enjoy.
June 25, 2013 @ 1:14 pm
Too cool. Way too cool. The mirror, the story, they kingdom. Now all you have to do is step into it!
And you know it was meant to be! How could it not be so since it was still there? Amazed that such a cool thing advertised on CL was still available.
Congratulations.
June 25, 2013 @ 1:16 pm
Wow. I can’t believe you found not one, but two of those. They are fantastic!
June 25, 2013 @ 1:22 pm
That is AMAZING. I couldn’t stop laughing. I love that you transported the Kingdom to your house…where there was another one.. in the foyer š
Kudos to you š
June 25, 2013 @ 1:39 pm
OMG that is absolutely FANTASTIC!!!
June 25, 2013 @ 1:58 pm
Um, it’s like that wall was MADE to hold that mirror. Great story! And it looks fabulous in your place…
June 25, 2013 @ 2:02 pm
YOU ARE FABULOUS and I think we maybe have been separated at birth. I cannot wait to show my husband so he can chuckle to know there are others just like me. Brilliantly written – I can’t wait to read more!
June 25, 2013 @ 2:09 pm
Oh hai. Just stumbled across this from a friend’s fb post. Can we be friends?
June 25, 2013 @ 2:36 pm
Oh my goodness. You’re awesome. And so’s that mirror. My husband still hasn’t learned that asking the question or opening his mouth signals his defeat. Inside, I always say to myself, “Got you now!” Speaking of… tonight we’re going to pick up a wing chair for my new reading nook. Now I think the nook really needs a mirror, though!