The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
March 16, 2015 @ 7:43 am
Just found your website via your manifesto against luxury kitchens. And now I’m hooked. I also convinced my husband we needed a huge old mirror! I love how yours looks! Glad to find your site!
March 23, 2015 @ 10:12 am
Love the post, and being in the antique industry we see a lot of fabulous pieces. However that 1890’s mirror is beautiful.
March 28, 2015 @ 1:27 am
OMG! I just woke up my husband from laughing soooo hard! It looks like a kingdom? What the heck is that supposed to mean! I found your blog today, and I couldn’t begin to tell you how. I’ve been trolling the web for hours and hours, and I keep saying I need to go to bed. So glad I didn’t before I found this! Can’t wait to read more! Your writing style is hilarious. Thanks for the belly laugh, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow as if I did some exercises! Chrissy
June 24, 2015 @ 7:58 pm
Dear Victoria, I have been a fan of your blog for quite sometime now but this post, I almost want to call an episode, is brilliant and is an actual mirror image of my every day struggle with my pursuit of happiness which usually includes buying the most beautiful mirrors and antique pieces or vintage that I can find, and dealing with Mr I hate change hubby. I am always trying to convince my husband why we need another mirror, or chair or dresser or piece of art and you poetically put it so brilliantly in this post. I love it and actually laughed out loud. Check out my blog http://www.leeshideaway.blogspot.com. Love your home, your taste, your humor, your personality. This blog is a joy. Love it! Lisa
June 24, 2015 @ 9:08 pm
I got an email about another comment on this post, so I clicked on it, and read the post again. I think it may have been the first one I read. It should win a humor/writing award. Of course, I’ve read every single one of your posts now, some more than once. And I’ve told a lot of people about your blog. I hope you are still living the life you have described and enjoying it all. You are quite a talent.
June 27, 2015 @ 3:11 pm
What a score!!! The mirror is beautiful. Good job!!
June 29, 2015 @ 10:03 am
OMG! That is the most amazing mirror I have EVER seen. EVER. You are gifted!
July 1, 2015 @ 1:09 pm
This is the best blog post ever. That is all.
July 2, 2015 @ 3:02 pm
You are so funny and I am so glad I found you! This sounds just like me and my husband every weekend lol
July 10, 2015 @ 1:25 pm
This was definitely a fantastic find! I’m happy that you made it home with your mirror in one piece instead of a million scattered across 1-95. Gotta love Craigslist!
July 15, 2015 @ 2:27 pm
I am so happy to hear that I’m not the only one that has these kinds of interactions with my husband as well! (We are both very blessed that they still have patience with us) I have not bought a *new* mirror since that $5 Walmart one that everyone got for their dorms in college. Since, I have been trolling just like you.
July 28, 2015 @ 11:36 am
YOU. You are my HERO.
September 3, 2015 @ 11:41 pm
This is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read! So, so funny…what a fantastic post (and mirror)!! Thank God I’m not the only one who has these same thoughts and experiences with my husband (although – God Bless! – he cannot fix anything like Paul. Rather, he regularly breaks things). Loved your Kitchen post too and your blog and home are FAB!! Love Elvis too…love her pearls in the photo explaining she’s a girl. Sorry she’s not well. Thanks!!
November 14, 2015 @ 4:56 pm
What a great story! I laughed till I cried! Hope the universe keeps sending awesome things your way! Can’t wait to check out the rest of your blog. I love you already!
December 12, 2015 @ 2:29 pm
OMG…laughing until I cry. How is it we are NOT friends??? You describe how my mind works PERFECTLY!! And likely how my hubby’s mind works. I LOVE the mirror, by the way.
January 10, 2016 @ 12:50 pm
Looks like something out of Versailles! Awesome.
February 11, 2016 @ 12:10 am
OMG! I laughed my ass off at your venture. We are kindred spirits for sure. I’m a picker and a writer though I’ve not blogged lately. However you’ve inspired me to once again tell my picking tales.
Thank you for the great laugh 😉
Following. For. Life.
February 15, 2016 @ 3:30 pm
I think you are my new best friend of bloggers! Great post! Had us laughing the whole time!
March 1, 2016 @ 9:55 am
I just came across your blog, and this post is so funny and I didn’t know what a Kingdom mirror was but I see that I absolutely need one and I love the fact that you have another one and you managed get them both in the same picture! Brilliant writing, can’t wait to check out more!
March 2, 2016 @ 11:36 am
Totally jealous! I love it!