Life… Roadtripping to Ohio… CHANGE OF PLANS.
First:
Hello, September.
I wish you weren’t here.
I love the beach. I love hot humid weather. I love tomatoes and basil and peaches. I love sitting on the front porch in the morning, enjoying the flowers, while drinking coffee and listening to Paul tell me what I’ve done wrong recently.
I love tank tops and flip flops and canoes and camp fires and not being freezing… the next eight months of the year are basically me just ticking off the days until spring… not awesome.
Next:
HELLO OHIO… I HOPE YOU HAVE THE GLITTER CANNONS READY.
*Insert sound effect of screeching brakes*
Turns out they (accidentally) scheduled me for Atlanta… NOT Ohio.
Last Friday I wondered: is it a little weird I haven’t heard from Country Living? I reminded myself that the fair in Rhinebeck didn’t get a set schedule until the very last minute, so I figured that was it…
But then I decided to be all professional and just CHECK… so I emailed– hey, no rush, just wondering if you have a time set for me yet? And the Country Living lady was all– ARGH!!!! I put you in Atlanta! I don’t know how I did that! I… I just… I HAVE NO IDEA.
I’m disappointed of course, but it’s the kind of mistake I live in fear of making, and I was weirdly relieved I wasn’t the one who made it.
As much as I’d like to go to Atlanta, I have a thing… blah blah blah.
If you’re near the fair in Ohio, go! (Assuming you’re into OLD STUFF, which if you are not, why are you here?) The shopping and the vendors in New York were great. AND I was pleasantly surprised that the prices weren’t too gouge-y
The historic Ohio Village looks charming… and you are guaranteed to have beautiful weather because it was rainy and freezing in Rhinebeck.
It was extra wet, and extra freezing, for me in particular, because I was so totally distracted by STUFF that I stepped directly into a VERY LARGE AND OBVIOUS puddle while wearing flip flops.
Also, apparently Country Living does not feel as I do about fall… in fact, they seem SUPER PUMPED.
Anyway… I had already written the below post, based on my plans to get to Columbus, so I’m publishing it anyway because I feel like it.
***
To make Ohio extra exciting for myself, I am roadtripping to Columbus with my dad… This past year has smacked me in the face with the fact that life is short and unpredictable.
It’s been a long while since I spent a chunk of time with just my father. Mostly I see him together with my mom; but I also talk to my mother approximately nine-million times a day, so it’s really not the same.
Infact, I almost never talk to my dad on the phone, because I am rarely struck by the desire to have a quick lunchtime conversation about Kierkegaard.
My father thinks the way to be a person is: scholarship, deep thought, academic pursuits, and opera… so he wonders who is this frivolous, animal-loving, crinoline-collecting, bookshelf-hoarding, circus-protesting pagan, who only likes Verdi and does not appreciate Der Ring des Nibelungen… (her parents must be mouth-breathing philistines who did not even try!) SAD!
HOWEVER.
My father LOVES A ROAD TRIP… I cannot overstate how he is basically a Dr. Seuss book about a man who loves road trips.
With himself!
With a friend!
With a cat!
And a hat!
In a car!
Or a van!
On a bike!
With a kite!
On top of my father’s already-inherent roadtrip excitement, ADDING to that, the opportunity to have one of his children as a captive audience for his indecipherable beliefs on the confluence of theology and philosophy… (which are actually just poorly-disguised attempts to bring us back into THE FOLD)… well… this is my father’s version of THE BEST DAY EVER.
So, if you see me in Columbus, and I look like I just stuck my finger in a light socket, it’s because I’ve spent the previous 24 hours listening to the person who sends me this sort of thing ALL OF THE TIME.
It’s fine though, because he too will look electrocuted!
Because, I AM MY FATHER… pedantic, long-winded, eager to bash you over the head with WORDS.
My father and I know words.
We have the BEST WORDS.
SO MANY WORDS.
My father and I have identical personalities… but we are not remotely living on the same planet, so sometimes it’s easy to forget that.
A short list of things my father does not care about:
Giant Fancy Things, sequins, the intersectionality of big pharma trying to kill everyone in conjunction with the bacon industry, while climate change swamps Houston and Florida and decimates islands… which we all claim to care about as long as we don’t have to DO anything about it… but what no one seems to care about AT ALL is that by the time climate change impacts America’s way of life, places in Africa will long have run out of water.
What’s that? You’d like to hear MOAR HIGHLIGHTS FROM MY LECTURE SERIES?
I’m glad you asked!!
STATINS, (cholesterol medication)– a plague perpetrated by the pharmaceutical industry, linked to everything including dementia and Parkinson’s.
Cholesterol is a waxy substance that, (among many other things,) plays a crucial role in the brain, and in the formation of neuronal connections—the vital links that underlie memory and learning.
The human body produces all the cholesterol we need… however, when we add animal cholesterol (which is not bio-identical to our own) we end up with problems.
But no worries, bro! Big pharma’s got your back! You don’t have to take care of your body! Duh! That’s for wussies! JUST TAKE THIS PILL!
But statins don’t do anything about the cholesterol you EAT… it just STOPS YOUR BODY from MAKING ITS OWN… Sounds like a solid plan!
(I’m not saying no one should take them, I’m saying that they are one of the most-prescribed drugs and let’s consider that the pharmaceutical industry has profit as its first consideration and maybe let’s not hand them out like candy.)
“We can’t understand how a drug that affects such an important pathway would not have adverse reactions,” says Ralph Edwards, former director of the World Health Organization
— Scientific American, It’s Not Dementia, It’s Your Heart Medication: Cholesterol Drugs and Memory
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
Dairy = cancer AND forcing a mother to birth baby after baby, and never letting her nurse any of them.
WHO CHOOSES THAT?
That’s not a rhetorical question… I truly need to know: WHY do humans NOT choose empathy? This BAFFLES me… there are 57,982,356 other options for every single kind of dairy product made from animal breastmilk… not to mention how the plant-based stuff WON’T GIVE YOU CANCER.
We can we can LITERALLY CHOOSE ANYTHING ELSE… anything other than pain, sadness, and a truly disgusting amount of pus, and we’re like– NAH!
Anyway! Incase you are thinking this roadtrip sounds like a terrible arthouse film about suffering and a debate team, WELL. YOU ARE WRONG.
My dad and I super know how to party, so I will also bring along the list of misspelled, misappropriated, misunderstood, words I have been collecting from Craigslist ads.
My father is literally the only other person I know who will appreciate the HILARITY of “rot iron rap around porch railings.”
Party!!!!!!!
I CANNOT WAIT.
#bestdayever
September 13, 2017 @ 8:02 pm
Elizabeth you are so off the charts, and I love you for it.
September 13, 2017 @ 8:03 pm
What is wrong with Paul lately?? 😾
September 13, 2017 @ 9:09 pm
VEB – come to Ohio anyway. Because well, damn it, I am here. I was going to make the trip back to the loathsome, hot Country Living Fair just to see you.
Also, I would also appreciate “rot iron rap around porch railings.” – and I have a whole group of special friends (indeed, ‘special friend’ is probably what they call me) who appreciate these types of things, too. We know we are all terrible, terrible people because if we were in the medical field we would likely choose to not save those poor grammar-defeated souls.
What can we say? What can we do, really, besides laugh, shrug, cut and paste, and laugh some more?
September 13, 2017 @ 10:14 pm
I’m SO sad! You are the only blogger I subscribe to (awkward phrasing, but totally true!) and I leave for Columbus tomorrow! I have been looking forward to seeing you on Saturday – now I am totally bummed! Ok, not totally, I’ll be with my sister and have been looking forward to this fair for YEARS!
TAKE THAT ROAD TRIP WITH YOUR DAD – location doesn’t matter, just go! My dad died when I was 10 weeks old – make those memories with your dad no matter the destination – it’s all about the journey. Just thinking about your road trip stories makes me smile (and they haven’t even happened!).
Thanks for making me laugh with your posts. At times I’m a little sad (circus animals, Elvis), but I admire your strength in openly stating your beliefs!
September 13, 2017 @ 11:35 pm
But does your Craigslist have any Chester draws? It’s too bad you’re not going to Ohio. A few years ago I went to a swap meet in southern Ohio where a guy was selling “squirls.”
September 14, 2017 @ 12:00 am
I love this post. I would like to be an invisible person in the back seat, listening to you and your dad’s conversations on a road trip. What really cracked me up is your dad’s text and your reply of “cats”! I would also love to read your list of misspellings.
September 14, 2017 @ 7:58 am
I LOVE WORDS!!! Use them all the time. And the more giant and fancy, the better.
I also love ice CREAM, heavy CREAM, sour CREAM, and BACON!!! Can we still be friends?
September 15, 2017 @ 7:51 am
Love your writing and sense of humor!
I have many pet peeves in regards to badly spelled anything.
I grind my teeth seeing Real estate ads with “Master bedroom with on sweet and walking closet.” I literally want to call the realtor and tell them to get the heck out of the business!
September 15, 2017 @ 11:02 am
all the best to you and your Dad. 🙂
September 15, 2017 @ 12:16 pm
No Atlanta? How can that be? For a microsecond I was hopeful – then dashed in the next line. What are the chances you may put our fair city (currently partially devoid of power and minus a few thousand trees (each of which seems to have taken out a transformer) thanks to Irma) on your itinerary? Not that I have anything against Columbus or wish them ill but I live here. I also troll Craigslist and buy things I have no real need for – well, not today anyway. I try to limit my perusal time – I’m fully aware I do not deal well with moderation. It is a lifelong affliction – which means I have consciously avoided so many things others seem able to casually enjoy. At least eBay loves me. Like, a lot. And I’ve recently discovered OfferUp. Bonanza!! I didn’t tell my wife – she already twitches. But she saw my eyes roll back in my head one evening as I sat with the ipad and knew something was up. We all suffer in our own way. And my favorite post is for chester drawers. They come in a dizzying variety.
We don’t own any cats. But we do own two children who own cats. Gabby and Norah (those are the cats). Our younger daughter and Norah are currently back in residence with us while she finishes her masters (not Norah). One question – perhaps this isn’t an issue for you – how do you dissuade your feline friends from walking sideways across upholstered items? This seems to be a skill Norah diligently hones during the day while all of the human residents are away. She seems to particularly delight in antique needlepoint. (No, our home does not look like Grandma’s attic, just sounds like it does).
Look forward to your posts. We seem to have kindred souls – at least aligned interests – even if I am a contemporary of your Dad.
Come South. We’ll treat you to a banana sandwich on white bread!
September 15, 2017 @ 2:52 pm
Am I the only one that’s sad you won’t get to spend this one on one time with your dad after all?
September 15, 2017 @ 4:37 pm
I would love to see that list. Some MLS descriptions can also be a gold mine of hilarity. I Especially Love (hate) It When They Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word. OR WRITE IN ALL CAPS.
September 15, 2017 @ 9:21 pm
I recently saw an ad on Craigslist for an “arm wall”. Most of us know it as an armoire. Gotta love Craigslist.
September 17, 2017 @ 12:12 pm
I’m glad I am not going crazy! I thought that I saw you on the list of guest speakers for the Atlanta Country Living Fair this past summer when I was planning my trip there for October. I thought, “I am going to get to meet the fantastic Victoria Elizabeth Barnes in person!” When I was checking the list again a few days ago…no VEB on the speakers list! Now, at least I know why your name disappeared. Hope to meet you someday!!!
September 18, 2017 @ 10:47 am
We missed you in Columbus! The fair was great, although a bit hot. Would have been so fun to meet you there. Come next year!
September 20, 2017 @ 9:43 am
Enough talk of global issues, personal values, and philosophy. Let’s get to the really important stuff. How are the kittens?
September 21, 2017 @ 9:37 am
I saw a jar of “marvels” at our flea market. They kind of are, if you stare into them and see all the designs.
I marvel at GFTs and hate apostrophe’s in wrong place’s. I marvel at human life and the huge potential each one has.
You truly have me Googling (real word, or naw?) people and philosophies, etc. all the time-don’t stop! More brain wrinkle’s for me!
September 25, 2017 @ 7:36 pm
Well add this one to your list: Root canal teeth left in the mouth to fester. 96 % of women diagnosed with breast cancer have on the same side as the canal tooth !!!! what the ???? Leaving the tooth in the mouth is sort of like having a bad appendix – the Dr. disconnecting and leaving in the body. UGGGG Also said to cause rheumatoid arthritis and Parkinson’s ( which my Mom has – along with 3 root canal teeth )
September 27, 2017 @ 1:48 pm
I could only WISH to be in that car listening to you both waxing rhapsodic over your individual pedantics and how I would share in your JOY over the spelling list! Sigh. If ONLY!! Thank you for making my day! 💕
Motto: Why would a person use three words when you can use three million?
September 28, 2017 @ 10:00 pm
love love love the “photo of someone else living my best life”…! everytime i see a 30s truck, especially green ones with business logos printed on the doors, i wonder why they own my truck and i do not. (possibly because my husband and male relatives have no mechanical skills that translate to vehicles.) hoping you come to wi sometime, i highly recommend the elkhorn flea.