Craigslist is my spirit animal – The bed saga, Pt. 1
The bedrooms at our old house were about the size of shoeboxes, but at this house we have plenty of room for a king-size bed.
However.
The bed-shopping experience has been derailed by my ever-escalating symptoms of GFTD: Giant Fancy Thing Disease.
Giant Fancy Things are out there.
I will be getting them.
My affliction is particularly advanced – to the point where practicality has stopped playing any role at all in my design choices.
Do you see a problem here? No? Me either.
For three whole months I succeeded in ignoring this bed thinking about this bed every day.
Aside from the minor issue of being the wrong size, it was originally listed at $1,000. Plus it was far… 2.5 hours worth of far. I do not even know how it ended up in my search results because I don’t look outside the Philadelphia area. If I did, I would spend all my time doing NOTHING but driving around like a mad woman.
Not to mention how I would bankrupt us in 5 days.
Gleefully.
But it turns out that the primordial mirror troll has a sister – the bed troll.
Every few days she would whisper – get me that bed. It is mine. I need to love it.
I kept telling her – please, be serious. We need bigger, not smaller.
But she would just shrug and say – what does that have to do with anything? It is giant. It is fancy. Why not get it?
So I emailed the guy… and just like all my other Craigslist finds, there was:
1 – surprisingly good news.
2 – an insurmountable problem that I decided to ignore.
The good news:
-The bed is actually wide enough. Sort of. Depending on your definition of “enough.”
-He would take $300 if we came THAT day.
The bad news:
-The bed is not quite long enough.
You can decide for yourself whether this is important or not; personally, I decided it wasn’t and the next step was to tell Paul the good news.
After 9 years of marriage, I have learned that Paul and I explain our ideas very differently; I like to use an evangelical fervor to get right to the heart of the matter.
I focus on communicating the pure awesomeness of the possibility… And in contrast, sometimes Paul’s response of excessive questioning and detail-seeking makes me feel like he is not appreciating the idea.
So when possible, I will draw him a diagram. That way when he starts with the questions, I can just point and say– your concerns are addressed here, in section 34.B – and I am less likely to destroy my own campaign by shouting: NOT RELEVANT! NEXT QUESTION!
Paul said – I thought we were getting a king-size bed? I nodded and said – believe me. So did I. But apparently, we are getting this bed.
Then I broke out my diagram.
He looked at it for a minute and then said – you have the mattress being longer than the bed?
I said – yes.
Paul said – so… the mattress will just… hang over?
I said – yes.
Paul said – I do not think that will look good.
I said – it will.
You notice my brief, unapologetic responses? This is my New Year’s resolution: explain nothing. I do not owe the world a justification for my genius.
Besides, who even cares if the mattress does not fit the bed exactly? We are the only ones who hang out in our bedroom… do we really need to be concerned that people might judge us for violating societal-norms regarding arbitrary and restrictive mattress-to-bed-length ratios?
But I caved pretty quickly because Paul did not seem convinced and I did not want him to think I had not thought this through… So I said – well. The other option is that we could cut the mattress. It is just memory foam. We could use the Sawzall.
Paul said – the Sawsall? Interesting.
The bed troll shouted at me– I told you! I told you that was a good idea!!
But she does not know Paul like I do.
I said to him – what do you mean, interesting?
Paul said – you think part of getting a new bed is when you cut the mattress with power tools. That is interesting.
The bed troll whispered – don’t listen to him. You are an innovator. A freer of the mattress-oppressed… just ask your friends on the Internet.
I smiled at Paul, but I used my fake smile that means– later, when you cannot find your keys, I will pretend I have no idea where they are.
Then I pointed out – of course, obviously, it would be BETTER if the mattress fit the bed. But why would we allow something as mundane as a MATTRESS to prohibit us from sleeping in grandeur?
How is THAT logical? It’s not. It is actually beyond non-logic. Into the realm of idiotic.
Only a fool would not make the mattress fit the bed.
Plus, I told Paul – You are the one who was always saying about compromise, compromise, compromise. Maybe this is a case of not being able to have it all. Maybe now is compromise.
Paul said – maybe. Or maybe this is a case of already having it all. We have a bed, a mattress, they fit together… But out of curiosity, and not as an endorsement of this idea… How exactly do you imagine our mattress being paired with this bed?
So I pointed at the diagram and explained how I was thinking we could just lay a piece of plywood over the top of the base… Sort of like a platform bed.
Paul said – that seems low. Too low. Hobbit low.
I looked at the photos. And I could see how that was sort of low… but the bed troll whispered –don’t worry about that now. Now is just the time for getting it. Prioritize. Focus. Goals.
So I said – well. I don’t know… but that is not the important part.
Paul said– no. That IS the important part. Because you are going to want me to FIX it.
I looked around, confused how I ended up discussing matters of such unimportance, and I realized it was time to redirect – I had arrived at the time in a conversation with Paul where he has misappropriated the entire topic.
He is good at this. Very subtle. And I always follow him down that path, into the woods… answering his questions and talking about things that do not matter… until I look around and realize I have no idea where I am and it is getting dark and it is time to marshall us back into formation.
So I said– do you SEE the headboard? Why are we talking about anything else?
I mean, sure. It’s too bad the bed is not the right size and everything… But DO YOU SEE THE HEADBOARD? Throw up your hands! Join the tent revival!
Rejoice!
Paul said – there will be no rejoicing if I cannot fit the headboard up the stairwell.
I said – my friend, I will make it fit.
If necessary, I will rearrange the laws of space and time and molecular composition… One of my readers is a quantum physicist, and she said that will absolutely work.
And what did the bed troll say? Nothing… She was silent because she knows that once you have something IN the house, the war is won… All that’s left is to hammer out who controls France.
*** cliffhanger***
I am working on part two as fast as I can.
You will be surprised to learn that my space-time-continuum-rearrangement did not go as planned.
Update: here’s the bed, part two. And here’s part three: a VIDEO where we haul the bed up to the roof and THROUGH a window.
January 21, 2014 @ 2:28 pm
I work in and live near hagerstown! How this did not show up in my searches I do not know. I see no issue with sawsall! Cool it Paul! Make it work! It’s victorian furniture for god’s sake!
January 21, 2014 @ 2:33 pm
OMG your adventures are hilariously fantastic!!! Your “troll” deserves an Academy Award as well as the Medal of Freedom for these rescues! Can I be your side kick??
January 21, 2014 @ 2:33 pm
So you saved me. here in Australia it’s early morning. I have been unable to sleep. You have had me rolling with laughter, bed trolls, short beds and no not surprised that your space-time-continuum-rearrangement didn’t go as planned pmsl can’t wait for that story. Thanks for being you and sharing your world
January 21, 2014 @ 2:49 pm
We had a Cal-King size memory foam mattress that didn’t fit into our new place and ended up cutting it to a queen size with a “hot wire” tool. Hubby holding one side and me at the other. Worked perfectly…Hopefully you didn’t use a saw, that would be a giant mess! But funny to read about…
January 21, 2014 @ 3:18 pm
I guess my painting and having my husband re-hang our pocket door in the kitchen rather pales in comparison to your adventures; but hey, I’m just glad not to have to step around the monstrosity everyday to feed the dog. It’s a victory of sorts.
Next is completion of painting some to-die-for plantation shutters that (sadly) we had to order to fit the window. When I think of what we paid for these new, and all the plantation shutters I have passed up at yard sales, I could cringe. That little factoid was omitted when I realized the kitchen would never look right without them, and convinced my husband to spring for brand new ones… which of course had to be painted a coordinating color right out of the box. My motto is, “When in doubt, paint it.”
I learned my lesson though; because carefully hidden right BEHIND the almost-finished shutters, is a beyond fabulous ornately-carved, old brass crystal chandelier, that I plan to spray paint a wonderful color and hang over our bed… or somewhere else. Spray paint, you ask? Check Pinterest. They are adorable and this one is perfect! All crystals are present, intact, and will sparkle like diamonds, I made sure of that. It will be my personal invention of French Victorian perfection. I even remembered to check for wiring, and am (pretty) sure all of it is there, so it shouldn’t be much trouble at all to hang… all for $5! It sort of makes up for the exorbitant plantation shutters.
Can’t wait for Part 2 of the headboard saga; maybe I’ll have the shutters done by then, but don’t get your hopes up. Tell Paul that my husband feels his pain – he just doesn’t know there is another sufferer out there.
January 21, 2014 @ 3:24 pm
Check with a mattress company. We have an antique bed and wanted a larger mattress. They make something for about $50 that you hook the bed rails in and walla! the mattress fits! We have lots of beds that are 3/4 beds and a regular one that we want to convert to queen. And a mattress shop can custom make the mattress and box springs to fit exactly. Then hubby has no complaints! All is good (from one bed hoarder to another)
January 21, 2014 @ 4:15 pm
Oh, how I love the troll stories! Cut the mattress…too funny. We recently bought a tempur pedic, and could not get the base up the steps (not one but two curves in the stairs). I also thought a saw would fix our problems (we could just cut the top off the banister) but alas husband would not allow it..so new mattress old base 🙁 and a very scratched wall trying to defy physics.
January 21, 2014 @ 4:20 pm
Look at the scrolled part of the side rails. How are they attached? Can they be removed?
Yes?
GOOD!
Now have your DH add a spacer to lengthen the side rails (stained to match of course) then, reattach the scroll work and, voilà! Your bed will now accommodate a traditional length double mattress.
But definitely put it in the guest room because it is too close for you to sleep in every night for eternity. Besides, lovely antique double beds make your guests feel special, yet not feel the the need to overstay their welcome…
There are benefits. 😉
January 21, 2014 @ 4:27 pm
I glanced through your comments, and I see someone has already made both my points. But I will tell you anyway because I am a lot like you! Get a custom mattress or have someone lengthen the side panels. A person who knoweth what they doeth can fix it so no one will ever know it was violated.
January 21, 2014 @ 4:27 pm
http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/atd/4286765326.html
they used the word throne
January 21, 2014 @ 4:45 pm
Eee I am famous!! And I totally read your post while testing some new hardware for the CERN detector upgrade! Also, SUCH a cliffhanger, can HARDLY wait to see what you do with it. Fabulous find!
January 21, 2014 @ 4:59 pm
This is not about the bed specifically, this is about YOU. Every time I get an email alert that you have a new post, I actually get a smile on my face and shout out to my co-workers (whom I coerce to read your posts)-“VictoriaElizabethBarnes” has a new post! And they roll their eyes. Lately, this has been extra important because of several serious hardships I am experiencing. And honestly, you make me laugh out loud, and that is REALLY important right now. So, I want to thank you for being a bright spot on a cloudy day for me, and also for being such a cool lady from Philly-my husband calls me his “Philly babe” even though we moved away 26 years ago. You have a special place in my heart. Thanks. Get the bed- it perfectly matches my dresser (that you may not have).
January 22, 2014 @ 10:06 am
You made my day. Truly. xoxo
January 21, 2014 @ 5:39 pm
U and I MUST b twin sisters (switched at the hospital n given to separate families) cause our logic and thought process is Exactly the same. Of course u have to have the bed darling. It just Must be. U can have the bed extended easy-peazy. It’s a steal! Love love love it! Thanks for the giggles.
January 21, 2014 @ 5:46 pm
Best New Year’s resolution ever.
ps I love you.
January 21, 2014 @ 5:50 pm
I think if you had posted just one more picture of that bed, I would have driven up from Texas and bought it myself !
I truly enjoy your blog. 🙂
January 21, 2014 @ 5:55 pm
So I’m about to say something totally horrifying: I’m on Paul’s side here. But before you stop reading altogether, let me tell you why. That’s not the only ultra-fancy bed I’ve seen. So I promise you will find another. And I even live near Hagerstown (well, within an hour). Nevertheless, I have not bought a super-fancy bed yet. For a couple of reasons. One, I want an enormously tall Eastlake bed (which I almost found recently and someone else had already bought it and I was inconsolable). Two, antique beds come full-sized, max (and often in a custom-only size) and I don’t want to pay for a custom mattress (though I hear they cost about the same as any other mattress. Which is fine if you are looking for a new mattress. But I already have one). I don’t want to spend a fortune on getting the bed I want, and having the pieces not work together is so extremely irritating that you will soon grow to hate the bed you thought you loved – and start shopping for another one. I have already done this. My solution was to make the double headboard fit a queen mattress by drilling holes in the bedposts, buying bed extender plates, and screwing the headboard to the plates to a metal bed frame (the kind that are invisible under the mattress). It really was the perfect plan, except that (1) I settled for an antique frame I only sort of loved in order to stay in my budget (an error I doubt you would make), and (2) this means you can’t use the side rails, or, probably, the foot board. I don’t usually like footboards anyway, but it removed the option of using a foot board with curved corners, which is my very favorite kind. It would also mean you couldn’t show off the super-fancy carving on that (unquestionably beautiful) bed.
What I’m saying is, I am 100% sold on the direction you’re headed in. I think you should have a bed frame that looks just like that one (and a few years back I saw such a frame in a queen size; sadly, it was $2400), just not THAT frame, because it’s the wrong size, and re-fashioning a bed is a miserable process and the hardware will secretly destroy the beautiful damask wallpaper you hung while you are innocently sleeping, causing you untold sadness.
Do not do what I have done. Wait for the right-sized bed. It will come – have faith.
January 21, 2014 @ 6:17 pm
Hi–Please don’t cut the bed up! Get a custom mattress and box spring made. You saved–if you bought it– so much on that beautiful bed and frame, splurge on the proper-sized mattress.
Love your blog and your house. Can’t wait for the next installment.
January 21, 2014 @ 7:34 pm
I just posted this on my Facebook page: If you love to shop, repurpose, visit second-hand stores and hunt for treasures, you have to read this. If only she lived nearby, I know we’d be best friends….love her logic. We think alike…if it’s a cute piece of furniture, gotta figure out a good reason why I need it…even if I don’t have room for it.
January 21, 2014 @ 8:20 pm
I’m sure I’m late to the party but build up the height of the bottom of a full size box spring and put your queen mattress on top of it. Since there’s a sequal to this post, I am extremely hopeful that there’s a way to make that work and it could be so beautiful with fabric hiding the built up bits. Oh! I can see it in my mind’s eye and I am so jealous.
January 21, 2014 @ 9:06 pm
The way I see it, if it WAS originally $1000 and now it’s only $300, you’re getting $700 worth of fabulous bed for free! So you can totally afford the custom mattress and box spring … Isn’t that the way you see it too?