The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
March 2, 2016 @ 7:43 pm
This is the post that made me find you. I have been reading from the beginning now and just got back to it. There is an excellent chance we are the same person. Either that or you’re my spirit animal.
March 7, 2016 @ 9:19 pm
Wow! I think I love you! I think I love Paul! I know I love your stories!!! This one actually topped the one about the dresser:) You scored an amazing mirror…I am not jealous, no I am not. Well, maybe a little! You rock! I want to be your bff too!!!!!!
March 13, 2016 @ 5:31 pm
You know you now need a bigger house, right? xo
March 17, 2016 @ 11:02 pm
This is seriously the funniest thing that I have ever read. For the piece’s entirety, I have been in physical pain trying to keep myself from guffawing and irritating everyone in my building, with tears streaming down my face. Please, if you haven’t already, write a book. Lots of books. And let me know when the first one is published so that I can get it as soon as it’s physically available.
Cheers,
Rachel
March 27, 2016 @ 2:32 pm
Well I just found your blog and I’m having so many emotions but most of them are ‘obsessed.’ This entire experience is so relatable – I dragged my husband out on his birthday in a borrowed truck to buy a massive antique pine bed frame which I HAD to have because it is perfect. It does not fit up our stairs but we’re moving into our first home in two months so it’ll live in our living room until then. SO WORTH IT! You speak to my soul.
March 29, 2016 @ 9:02 am
Beautiful mirror! About 9 feet, though. Nowhere near 12 feet, unless those guys are 8 feet tall.
March 31, 2016 @ 12:44 pm
That mirror is EPIC. EPIC!!!!!
April 8, 2016 @ 2:25 pm
Does anyone know where the mirror came from? Country or art style? It’s so beautiful, I’m curious to know what kind of history it might have. It seems like such an odd thing to find stateside. To me it looks Indonesian, but I’m clearly no expert. What a find!!
April 10, 2016 @ 3:04 pm
Your husband opposed the acquisition of this mirror, even for a minute?
I am sure he has many fine points, but I can not imagine anybody refusing this mirror unless they could provide a convincing argument about not getting it in the door. (This is why I would not have bought it. I would still have stared at it with a desire to buy it before the laws of physics provided a convincing counterargument.)
April 10, 2016 @ 8:21 pm
I feel like you and Jenny Lawson would get along famously. If you are not familiar with her, Google “Beyoncé the giant metal chicken” …
April 12, 2016 @ 1:04 pm
I just have to post a comment. I laughed out loud when I read the line “You wanna go look at something?” The vagueness – the details we leave out to hook them. If we say too much, they’ll say no. Keep it discreet. Seem totally cool. Pretend like you’ll be toooooootally fine if they say no. Even though that’s absolutely not going to happen.
I have to tell you about my best Craigslist find (so far). The day I stumbled upon – IN THE FREE SECTION – a leather couch and chair. I thought to myself, that seems odd. I checked out the pictures – looked decent. I emailed her. “Are we talking real leather? Fake leather?” I asked. “Oh, it’s real leather” she said. “But it’s first come, first served”.
I was on my own that day – and I couldn’t fit the couch in my car – so I said “If I come get the chair today, will you hold the couch for me until tomorrow so that my husband can help?” She agreed.
I meet her – her and her dad? own a resale shop full of all kinds of odds and ends – really decent stuff. But they take me to a little storefront across the street that they are using as storage. We pull out the chair – leather feels really great – “Am I missing something? Are you sure you’re giving this away?” I asked. “We just need to make some room,” they said. I loaded up the chair and took it home.
My husband is a skeptic on all the stuff I bring home – but when he saw the chair he said, “Oh, I think you actually did a pretty decent job on this one.” He looks it over. Sits in it. Then we are moving it to take it inside the garage and he lifts the cushion. There – in beautiful, clear letters are the words “Restoration Hardware.” I shrieked.
That weekend we picked up a Restoration Hardware Lancaster Leather Sofa and Chair – FOR FREE.
I love Craigslist.
April 14, 2016 @ 11:17 am
I feel sorry for your husband, because you clearly have no kind of consideration for him. All you can see is your stupid mirror, which is highly ironic because you exhibit all the traits of a narcissist, even down to admitting your family are a pack of enablers. And you not only don’t care about the misery you inflict, but you gleefully revel in it.
April 14, 2016 @ 1:08 pm
You obviously have no sense of humor, or certainly not enough to understand the self-deprecating variety. I hope you didn’t post under your real name. Hundreds, no thousands, of Victoria’s like-minded fan friends might descend on you. Run fast.
April 15, 2016 @ 12:25 pm
That’s a beautiful mirror. But unless the two men holding it in the one photo are NBA stars, it looks more like nine-ten feet, than fifteen or even twelve.
April 16, 2016 @ 7:39 pm
I would like to know how much this is actually worth! What a fabulous find! My mom would have soooo loves this story! I grew up going to yard sales, flea markets, and auctions. My mother found some very rare items that were worth a lot! So I’m sure you’ve researched and have had this appraised!?!?
April 19, 2016 @ 7:34 am
What a score!!!!
April 19, 2016 @ 5:54 pm
Wow, I’m totally jealous! One that you found that, two that you now own it and three that you have no shame or fear into talking your hubby into doing stuff like that! If I mention to mine that I want to purchase items on Craigslist , he’s like what? You want to get murdered by the Craigslist killer??? Major props to you and your skills..
Jamie
April 21, 2016 @ 6:09 pm
This is the BEST article I have ever read. Mostly because it gave me deja vu. I’m pretty sure my teenage son’s eye starts to twitch every time he hears…”So, I saw this thing on craigslist, will you go with me to see it?”. He tried to ban me, as did your husband, from buying anything else. But c’mon. It’s such good stuff…who are they kidding?! Thank you for the laugh. GORGEOUS mirror!
April 28, 2016 @ 12:23 am
Good luck with the ghosts.
May 3, 2016 @ 8:11 pm
Wow! I love it! The story, the mirror. Now I know I’m not the only one who has a passion for buying large, unusual antique mirrors(among other antiques) That mirror was meant for you. It was karma. Use it in good health!
May 10, 2016 @ 2:55 pm
We’ve never met, but we are definitely soul mates. And you are very very funny! I’m sitting in an orthodontic office with one of my kids and laughing hysterically right out loud.