The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
June 26, 2013 @ 11:05 am
So cool. I love this post and site. I just stumbled across this on fb. I have a feeling I’m going to like it here. Btw, I’m coveting that mirror and want it for myself. I have the perfect place. Awesome!
June 26, 2013 @ 11:12 am
OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT THAT.
whattascore.
June 26, 2013 @ 11:16 am
I love your story, and the mirror is beyond fantastic!
June 26, 2013 @ 11:16 am
Run the DNA-we must be related.
And does your husband feel pretty proud of himself when people swoon over the smokin’ kingdom mirror? Thank God for the good men that enable our “thrifty” ways.
I have to go now-Craigslist is calling.
June 26, 2013 @ 11:27 am
You are delightful!!! Such a joy to read.
June 26, 2013 @ 11:40 am
I love the mirror…. I bet the two are made by the same person!
June 26, 2013 @ 1:03 pm
I saw this post on FB and had to read it. It made me laugh because there have been so many times that I’ve dragged one of my nieces with me to go get something and then we struggle as we carry it into the house. The whole time my niece will be asking me “WHY?”
I’ve read several posts now and I’m one of your newest Followers.
I can’t wait to read more!
June 26, 2013 @ 1:19 pm
Fab fab read and & fab fab mirror!!
June 26, 2013 @ 2:45 pm
fabulous !
June 26, 2013 @ 3:05 pm
My lord! There is no way you could not have brought this beauty home. I am so jealous!
June 26, 2013 @ 3:34 pm
That mirror is stunning!!! I go throught the same thing with my husband 😉
June 26, 2013 @ 4:01 pm
Ok, so the whole time I read this I’m all like “Holy Shit!” and just as giddy with excitement and happiness as if I were the one who bought the most fabulous mirror ever made, for a song on Craigs List. I’m sooooooo jealous! And the fact that it fit perfectly in that room…W-O-W! I’m also a mirror hoarder, there’s just something about them, though I don’t have any that are as large as that. 😉 Thanks for sharing and I love your writing style, very fun read!
Also your hubby sounds just like mine, lol. Begrudgingly he gives in. (Silence IS the sound of defeat, lol)
June 26, 2013 @ 6:29 pm
I could NOT have said it better than you did Thespoena!! Hilarious read with a happy ending (which is very hard with husbands like ours) – thank you!!
June 26, 2013 @ 4:59 pm
I can SO relate to this… thanks to Hatfeathers in MO who found it, and I MUST share on the HowToConsign Facebook page! You’ve just gained a new fan… times all those who follow us. Thank you!
June 26, 2013 @ 5:37 pm
What a FANTASTIC find! And you are a hysterical story teller. And, I think your husband and my husband would get along beautifully. 🙂
June 26, 2013 @ 5:40 pm
Wonderful! and a Great Read. I’m so glad I’m obsessed with lightweight and easy to transport vintage patterns.
June 26, 2013 @ 6:41 pm
Cool story and even cooler mirror. So how tall is it anyway?
June 26, 2013 @ 7:46 pm
Oh we must be long lost sisters or kindred spirits. All I have to say is you had me at it looks like a Kingdom, therefore I will follow you for life, haha not really but maybe… 😀
June 26, 2013 @ 7:46 pm
You are me… 🙂
June 26, 2013 @ 7:54 pm
I’m assuming you have a Victorian house by the stair railing. So I only have one question: How could you NOT have that mirror in your house?
June 26, 2013 @ 8:05 pm
Ha! Just couldn’t stop chuckling. Any time you venture into the Chicago Craigslist area (in my atlas this includes all points west to Iowa and north into Wisconsin) give me a call.