Ripping out my soul for your entertainment… examining my first year of blogging.
Before my Craigslist–mirror went viral, I’d decided that it was sheer foolishness to have ever thought I would make a dent in the internet.
In fact, if I had any sense at all, I would have quit blogging around six months.
Six months is what separates the sensible people— who go back to their lives.
From the total lunatics— who decide to double down.
Somewhere here, I more than doubled down.
I pushed all my chips in.
I borrowed money from the mob.
I started snorting cocaine in the high-roller suites and set fire to the drapes.
Somewhere here I stopped feeling like a writer.
Or a doer of house projects.
Or a researcher of toilets.
I turned into a version of myself that I had never met– someone who would do WHATEVER IT TAKES. To get people to read my blog.
The word that comes to mind is hustler.
For me, at six months, a very tiny dictator woke up in my head.
She was mean. And wore all grey.
And she looked just like me.
She said: vee must take over zee vurld.
And I agreed.
I thought if I could make it to one year—the parade would begin.
And I believed in my own infallibility— also defined as psychotic self-delusion.
Any megalomaniacal dictator can tell you that the first few months of a war are the best—there are impassioned speeches… the troops are excited… you haven’t run out of food and had to eat the horses.
But sometime between six months and a year is when you get an inkling that perhaps it’s not a matter of simply controlling the world with your mind.
This inkling grows in size and scope… until sometime around month eight, when you have a mini-breakdown.
But no one cares about your breakdown.
No one cares that you are having a crisis of the soul.
They don’t care, because blogging is synonymous with 24-year-old fashionistas in neon sunglasses, so attempting to convey to people the IMPORTANCE of your blog makes you sound like a total moron.
It also doesn’t help that much of what you say is rant-like: about how no one has shown up, and how this is UNACCEPTABLE.
And for the record, if there is anything less sympathetic to people than a 36-year-old woman crying about her blog, I do not know what it is.
In fact, if you want to confirm all of people’s worst suspicions about you? This is the way to do it.
And then– if somehow your blog makes it to one year? Instead of the parade you anticipated, you get the gift of FINALLY grasping the idiocy of your undertaking.
You finally understand that there are roughly one billion other blogs. And that the chances of yours being special are so microscopic as to be nonexistent.
So now you have two choices:
1. You can accept defeat and go spend time with your family.
2. You can commit yourself to self-delusion.
Lucky for me, I’ve been training in self-delusion all my life.
It is my second-greatest talent.
What’s my first? Enthusiasm.
Enthusiasm beyond what is reasonable.
Beyond what is even remotely reasonable.
That endless enthusiasm is what makes people think I am fun. Unless they have to spend too much time with me, in which case it can be wearing… Because when I am excited about something? LOOK OUT.
I am going overboard.
I am going to fling myself off the side of the ship with no life vest or scuba gear or shark-repellant.
And I’ll be screaming— OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS THING!
I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO EXCITING!!
EXCITING, EXCITING, EXCITING.
And you’re going to have to call in a Marine search-and-rescue team to find me in the ocean. (If you’re the one calling, please make sure they only send young Marines… Let’s say under 32, shall we?)
Somewhere in the last year, ALL my enthusiasm BECAME this blog… They merged into one entity—indistinguishable from each other.
I stopped caring about anything else. My only interest became pushing this blog forward… Uphill in a tornado… in an ice storm… carrying it over mountains while being pecked by vultures.
To do WHATEVER it takes.
Anything.
If human sacrifice were required, it would take me no time at all to build the altar.
October 6, 2013 @ 11:14 pm
For a second there, I thought you were going to announce you were *quitting* and I almost had a heart attack right here on the spot! For the love of all of us who put up with living in old jalopy houses, please don’t ever quit!
October 8, 2013 @ 9:55 am
I just stumbled on your blog this morning! In fact, I just subscribed by email after falling down the rabbit hole for a couple of hours, getting lost in your hilarious wit & great style. Love that we’re both in the Philly area, too!
October 8, 2013 @ 3:19 pm
Look. You’re entertaining and amusing and all. However, since you’ve made it clear you want to be well liked: I highly recommend showing some actual progress on that kitchen you’ve been writing non-posts about. Otherwise, a large percentage of the readers you’re so happy to have obtained will grow quickly evaporate just as quickly as they came.
October 9, 2013 @ 6:49 am
I would read about what she did on any given day, her opinion on anything. I don’t think her readers will evaporate. It’s Victoria….the essence of Victoria, the wit, the frustrations, her thoughts…..that draw me to her. And I’ll bet that is true of most of us. IMHO
October 10, 2013 @ 2:21 pm
Kitchens may come, and kitchens may go; what I want most to read about is how she gets Paul to do her bidding.
I am eternally grateful, however, for whatever topics Herself chooses to blog about.
October 10, 2013 @ 2:48 pm
Wow-
harsh, I’m sure the commenter leads a busy productive existence and therefore has no time or patience with kitchens unfinished or tasks left undone. What he/she may not have noticed is the charm of a talented witty writer who admits to human failings and foibles-so relax and enjoy the wit and wisdom dispensed and if it’s insufficient to your needs rush off and find something more to your liking. I’ll stay and commiserate about the sudden paucity of disco balls at my local suppliers. This is so much more significant than mere kitchens- How did this happen?
October 8, 2013 @ 3:39 pm
I can’t think of one of your posts that I didn’t thoroughly enjoy…I will not be evaporating any time soon! Your blog is absolutely wonderful and far better than any that I’ve ever read. I love that you can spell, that you have original ideas, that you’ve given me an insight into the “behind the scenes” of blogging (I’m not a blogger), that you make me laugh out loud, that you are really interesting (love the wedding video, love the fact that you and your spouse love to dance, love your garden ) and that you are incredibly endearing. Thank you for all these wonderful posts!
October 8, 2013 @ 5:41 pm
I’ve been writing my blog for about 8 months now, and I totally relate. I feel like I have this blog monster that is similar to your raccoon. It is constantly demanding to be fed. “Write in me! Be interesting, be funny! Give good advice and tips! Always be yourself! Never be ‘too’ negative!” I want my blog to be useful and well liked and funny and I want people to read it every day. And share it. That’s ALL. I started out writing about fitness and then realized that… I CARE ABOUT OTHER THINGS BESIDES FITNESS. And if I got tired of writing about it all of the time, my readers probably didn’t want to read about it all of the time, right? RIGHT? But, anyway, I understand you. I found your blog today and added it to my reading list. I sent several of the posts to my mother who will forget I sent them to her and then probably send them back to me and then explain them to me the next time I talk to her as if I have never heard of them. I wish for nothing but many more years of blog-whoring and inspiration for both of us.
And… I know you never get tired of hearing this, (because I sure as heck don’t) I LOVE YOUR BLOG!
xx Alex
October 8, 2013 @ 8:40 pm
Victoria Elizabeth – I have missed you. I found you on my birthday – what a wonderful surprise and gift to me. You write so well – I love your sense of humour. Please keep blogging – as often as that little voice tells you to. Thank you, thank you.
October 9, 2013 @ 3:15 pm
Oh no! I came her from Hooked on Houses yesterday for your Kingdom mirror post, and went back and started reading your blog from the very beginning. Now I am sad I am all caught up.! Very much like discovering “Revenge.” Don’t stop! Love your blog!
October 9, 2013 @ 3:58 pm
Dearest Dancing Queen,
You are more than the sum of your posts, and this indeed is why we adore your voice.
Crisis managers have nothing on you – when in doubt, get into pearls, grab a sign and work it out. Quiet? Disquiet? Perhaps the part of you that is missing that reserved, elegant gliding ballroom princess can make believe like Beyonce’ and come up with a personal name for your Sasha Fierce – the alter ego you find yourself confronted with, the public persona that you found leaping back off the blog page for you – clearly takes on a life of its own. Her surprise at her own newfound popularity and (hand magic gesture here) wicked delight at drawing a whole new world of minions – hey, God didn’t give you all that height for naught.
We love your willingness to claim your dictatorship, your darling Paul’s devotion and you allowing us to be along for the journey. So . . . there it is V.E., you are now on the most public fun-park-ride that you will ever find as the author of a blog with a devoted following. Think of it as a novel where all you must do is bring your observations . you don’t have to have a plot . . life writes itself . you are just the scribe with the authentic willingness to be queen of your own castle . .one year is barely an introduction to what we hope are years of delicious vertigo induced by your fabulous life as you look down from high online.
Be well, I hope the crisis has passed, and give your regent a bit of extra whatever-means-love-to-Paul. One cannot be queen without those who serve.
October 10, 2013 @ 4:35 am
Dear LibraDesignEye
You hit the nail on the head – if VEB is NOT over the moon with your statement, then we have to re-invent the term of everything you just said. This is top soul food… Bless you – I love (in particular) your description of
“…extra whatever-means-love-to-Paul…..” Yeah, being Queen of a one-man (person) people is a bit rough! 🙂
October 10, 2013 @ 10:14 am
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
XO
October 9, 2013 @ 4:30 pm
Someone mentioned an HGTV show of your own- Why do you not have this ? I would watch every episode twice and all I ask is that you make a finale for the end of each episode of you and Paul in full regalia waltzing? into a glorious sunset . Our life would be complete. If I’m too old and cranky to be happy at least I can find people who do happy so well -or crazed competence-or mad hatter hootenanny. Never mind. Sail on mad girl- we’re sailing right behind…………
October 11, 2013 @ 11:58 am
Keep writing. Please keep writing. Always LOVE to know what your most recent ‘exploits’ have been. Love em all!
October 11, 2013 @ 8:18 pm
Hi Victoria Just stopped by to say Hello! Hope your crisis (es) are in the rear-view mirror. Looking forward to your next fascinating installment. You’ve made me consider starting a blog of my misadventures of building our own house, doing everything ourselves, and 30 years later, with the floors wearing out and the windows fogged over, there are still things we’ve (he’s) never gotten around to finishing, but I’m sure there’s already a few of those blogs out there somewhere. Love YOUR blog! (Every time I see an ornate mirror in an antiques shop I think of you. )
October 13, 2013 @ 1:09 pm
V, We love you but we are fickle…We need to hear from you more often. -DB
October 13, 2013 @ 6:09 pm
Gosh-this is the 1st time I have ever followed a blogger and I love yours and I’m sure as soon as you are off to TV land or the White House? you will abandon us but in the meantime I’m going to enjoy your communiques- be they frequent or rare for really I only have to park my …..at this laptop while you have to do major soul flinging-also deep thinking and even -perhaps-imbibing copious quantities of mind altering beverages in order to produce what draws us to this site. Thank you…………….
October 13, 2013 @ 1:53 pm
I’m not fickle! Bet you have many other followers who are not. I’ll wait…..and anticipate.
October 15, 2013 @ 10:24 am
This blog post made my freaking day. Thanks for trucking on. Love your blog. 🙂
October 15, 2013 @ 10:51 am
I wonder if you realize – you are a secret joy to many of us . . we pass you around . . link-gifts to our super best friends . . you Rock!
October 15, 2013 @ 1:54 pm
You. Are. Hysterical.
October 15, 2013 @ 4:59 pm
You are so much fun! I can’t even stand it.
And holy cow, how stylish are you? What a fabulous outfit to gain readers in!
October 16, 2013 @ 9:54 pm
Love your sense of humor! Keep up the great blogging and if you jump overboard I’ll send my Marine son to go fetch you 🙂
October 17, 2013 @ 10:13 am
don’t know how it started, one of your projects caught my eye, your enthusiasm caught my interest but it is your zani-ness that has my heart, love to get your updates so i can keep up and pray you will continue; with your projects, with your stories and especially your blog. A relief often countering the other crap going on around here!
October 19, 2013 @ 10:49 am
LOL You are too funny! Love this so much 🙂