Whoever said less is more… clearly never had enough more.
If you have been reading me for a while, you remember my giant pearl necklace of invincibility.
The way it works is that it is so giant and irritating, that the entire time you are wearing it you are distracted from anything that might give you anxiety, intimidate you, or make you feel less-than.
You will never wonder if people are judging you or looking at you weird, because they are.
But you get to decide what for.
A few times a month, someone with similar beat-of-own-drum-in-head-issues emails me and asks where she can acquire her own suit of armor… but I got the pearls years ago at a store that was going out of business and I’ve never seen anything that large again, or I would have bought more so that I could be extra invincible, (and make matching earrings.)
But on a recent trip to the craft store, it was revealed to me that what I thought were giant pearls… are actually VASE FILLER.
I have been wearing a wedding reception from 1980 around my neck.
I went and got a cart because:
A— you can never have too much vase filler.
B—much like Diana Vreeland, I am a fashion visionary.
C—the raccoon shrieked and clapped and clawed at my brain insisting: BUY THEM ALL.
Then I ran home and got busy… I wanted these. But. You know. BIGGER.
You’ll need:
- a pair of pearl studs
- earring backs
- pearl beads that are larger than the earrings
If you buy beads at your craft store, don’t forget to look online for a coupon… they can scan it right off your phone in the store. If you buy them online, be sure you don’t get the mixed colors. (Unless you’re fancy like that.)
If you are wondering why I didn’t use the largest bead? (I too am wondering this.) At the time, proportion between the back and front seemed important and the pearl studs I had on hand balanced out best with the middle-size bead… If I can find some larger studs, I’ll make another set. (I say that casually, as though I have not spent the last 48 hours doing nothing but searching fruitlessly for EXTRA GIANT pearl studs… because, let’s be honest– these really aren’t big enough.)
I googled DIY Dior double-pearl earrings (because you do not have to figure out anything for yourself anymore,) and the most popular tutorial involves just gluing a rubber earring-back into the hole.
I tried that first, but all of the tutorials used a fairly small pearl bead… I’m using a larger size and the rubber back didn’t feel secure. It held, but I kept fiddling with them and pushing them tighter because I could feel the connection loosening up.
Luckily I live with someone who is legally obligated to resolve these sorts of issues for me.
Paul has actually changed my definition of what a real man is: someone who is able to INSTANTLY transform plastic beads into EXACTLY what I want at this very moment… LIKE MAGIC. (Which is my favorite way to accomplish anything.)
If you cannot turn giant plastic beads into earrings, I am sorry to say, you are no man at all.
Paul widened the hole with a small Dremel tip… just enough to epoxy in a metal earring-back. (If you do it this way, be sure you run a wire through to clear away any glue blocking the connection.) This felt a lot more secure– I can feel the earring-post clip into the backing and I have to tug pretty hard to separate the two.
While I was watching Paul drill out giant plastic pearl vase filler for no reason other than my immediate gratification, I started to have anxiety… it was one of those times when you are reminded that this person in front of you is THE ONLY PERSON for you. And that they can never leave you. Ever.
Paul is going to have to live to be 103, because he has ruined me for anyone else.
Go, right NOW and thank your partner for whatever they do for you that is your version of earrings. Maybe it involves their pick up truck. Or unloading the dishwasher. Or their willingness to shove a 14-foot quarterboard-nautical-collectors-item through the open windows of a four-door sedan and drive home in a rain storm. (I didn’t make that up– someone shared it in the fb comments and is 100% why I love you people.)
other items of fashionable craftiness to impress you: here, here
November 12, 2014 @ 12:07 pm
I LOVE this post and of course (love your blog) – I often bring my husband in to read your posts so that he can feel better knowing he’s not the only one. You are so funny and I love how perfect you and your husband are for one another 😉
November 12, 2014 @ 12:33 pm
These are fabulous. I’m new to your blog and I am loving it. Thanks for all the laughs!
November 12, 2014 @ 1:34 pm
What a fabulous post. I can assure you, I tell my man on a daily basis the many things that make him the only human in the universe for me. So lucky for you to have found yours!
November 12, 2014 @ 3:16 pm
I love your blog, as I totally share your obsession with large shiny objects and the need to collect items deemed unnecessary by your other half.
The last paragraph was particularly poignant as I made my wife come with me on a 50 mile round trip to the otherside of London to pick up an enormous steamer trunk that now lives in a storage locker as our house is too small to keep it in. I keep telling her that one day we will have a house big enough!
November 12, 2014 @ 3:23 pm
Oh how i wish that you were wrapping little presents to fill up my x-mas stocking… i would be so glad.
November 12, 2014 @ 3:51 pm
You are too funny! And I thought that was Diana Vreeland! I think she “discovered” Lauren Bacall.
November 12, 2014 @ 4:00 pm
You never cease to amaze me — and in a good way. I’m sure Paul knows that life is never dull around you. He is so lucky that you caught him. My Honey and I have been married for 45 years and we’re still crazy about each other.
November 12, 2014 @ 5:19 pm
Hi Victoria! I met you in Philly at the conference (that you only came to on the first day…..) I signed up for your blog blindly because I could not imagine what I would find interesting about a victorian rehab. Well, you are a hilarious crazy girl and I love reading your posts. How’s the kitchen coming?
November 12, 2014 @ 6:26 pm
You are so right when you find that mate who gets you and can do. One day I asked Erling to write me a waltz, kind of a sad Russian style waltz. so he wrote me two! more is more! http://blog.erlingwold.com/2009/03/two-orchestral-waltzes-for-lynne.html
November 13, 2014 @ 1:55 am
Loved those waltzes and that started me on a whole classical YouTube evening tonight. Thank you!
November 13, 2014 @ 9:37 pm
What a sweet love letter to your Paul. Each time I read your posts I want to know where you fall on the Briggs Meyers personality test.wish you would take it and share the results. I bet I have you pegged! Your enthusiasm is contagious and delightful. Thanks for the posts.
Margaret
November 14, 2014 @ 9:09 am
Being 4’11” and having 9 foot ceilings I feel the same way about my husband especially when the smoke detectors and light bulbs don’t work on these high ceilings. He fixes things that I would never be able to do on my own.
November 14, 2014 @ 2:08 pm
Love this. My hubs is like this too and I could not be more grateful. We are (mostly him) building an entryway and he is magically making our dream come true. I’ve tried to subscribe but for some reason it won’t let me, maybe you can sign me up Scotty.
November 17, 2014 @ 7:30 am
This was a super-sweet terrific post, a beautiful love-letter to Paul who marvels everyone and absolutely deserves it! He better get his cholesterol checked, 103 is a long ways off. You both are a lovely example of what marriage should be. And thanks for being so funny!
November 17, 2014 @ 11:09 am
Great!!! So, now the next time I am itching to make my own fashionable accessories I not only have to spend and hour and a half looking at everything in the jewelry section three times, but I also have to spend an hour or so in the floral section?!?This is why my kids despise shopping with me.
BTW, I came here to show you this! http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/atq/4758076689.html
I thought they might be worth a trip to Texas!
November 19, 2014 @ 7:43 pm
Those are some big pearls. That necklace is oddly entertaining.
November 19, 2014 @ 9:50 pm
Handsome Husband doesn’t string ping pong ball sized earrings. He doesn’t carry beds up a tightrope. He doesn’t accompany me on Craigslist jaunts.
He has mentioned his desire to live in a log cabin with a dirt floor. He would happily buy an RV and travel the country like BJ and the Bear.
But he doesn’t. Instead, he works side jobs so I can buy the right shade of grey.
I think I make him feel normal.
xo
Andie
November 19, 2014 @ 10:53 pm
How have I just found you?! We must be sisters from another mother! My poor husband tolerates all my wild and crazy ideas too. His most dreaded words from me are “Honey, I’ve been thinking…..” ! I have just begun my own blog and want to stay up all night reading your past posts but I have to drive 9 hours tomorrow – but I’ll be back!!!
November 21, 2014 @ 7:02 am
Yes, yes, yes! The several times that I have asked you about your bead source and then fruitlessly searched the internet I came across vase filler, but didn’t purchase any because I was concerned that a) It would not work to make a necklace and b) I would waste a gargantuan amount of money on that potential failure since there seemed to be maybe two enormous pearls in each packet. Now, I can go buy vase filler without care, hooray! Thank you for the update!
November 21, 2014 @ 9:08 am
You are right – there are only four giant beads in each of the packets I bought. But I guess you have to ask yourself – can you put a price on a necklace of invincibility?
PS – if you find a craft store that carries them, and have a 40% off coupon, and do a couple of different transactions, the price might not be too bad? (Also, one of those Amazon links was a large quantity – still mixed beads, but I thought the price was good.)
November 22, 2014 @ 11:13 am
You and Diana look “absolutely marvelous darling” as Fernando says. “And you know it’s betta to look good then feel good.” (Had a great morning reading this entry and then You Tubing Billy Crystal!)
November 23, 2014 @ 3:19 am
Wait, what?! I’m all caught up? (I’ve read all the posts, in order.)
But but but, I want to read more…. oh. Hang on, I haven’t been to see your Facebook page yet. (Whew! That was a close one.)
Also. I have a Paul, but his name is Dan. And yeah, THANKFUL doesn’t even come close.