The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
June 19, 2013 @ 10:41 am
That. Is. Amazing. Also I sent this post to my twin/roomie so she will realize how lucky she is that we don’t have the money for such things. Because otherwise. . . (Thought you might like to know that she is in love with your bathroom, but doesn’t post comments on the internet.)
June 19, 2013 @ 10:59 am
I have to say, one of the BEST blog posts I have ever read. You scored girlfriend!! I bet you and your husband are a riot to be around. LOVE your new mirror!
June 19, 2013 @ 11:19 am
Ok, this one story got me to subscribe to your site. Loved it! The Kingdom Mirror.
June 19, 2013 @ 2:47 pm
Most INSANELY awesome find EVER!
June 19, 2013 @ 4:17 pm
Oh! Oh! Oh! It’s gorgeous!
June 19, 2013 @ 4:32 pm
That is amazing. It actually matches the mirror in the adjoining hallway – I’m not sure how that’s possible. And it fits in your house – possibly more stunning still. (Totally loving the “kingdom” on top. A pretty solid description, when all is said and done.)
How does Paul feel about it now?
June 19, 2013 @ 5:22 pm
THIS story should be the first chapter in your sci-fi/fantasy novel about a woman who finds the most gorgeous mirror in the most inconspicuous place ….. and steps through it into a different time/dimension/space, name your thrill!
(Oh, and Paul will miss her dearly and be so happy to have her when she comes back …. but he will refuse til the end of their days to ever go “look at something” with her again.)
June 19, 2013 @ 6:06 pm
WHAT??? You have TWO kingdom mirrors???
I totally love your writing style. So fun:)
June 19, 2013 @ 9:12 pm
Yep, loving your posts.
June 20, 2013 @ 2:38 am
As a guy named Paul, I feel strangely annoyed and fascinated.
June 20, 2013 @ 2:46 am
Wow. What a cunt. You waste money on a stupid mirror you have no place to put, and act like a fucking princess who would probably throw a hissy fit if told no. And what about that pussy husband/bf of yours? What a faggot. I bet he paints your nails for you too.
June 20, 2013 @ 12:45 pm
Looks like someone’s jealous that he’s not personally empowered enough to stand behind his words by showing his name – which means he’s certainly not empowered enough to have a kingdom. You go, Victoria!
June 20, 2013 @ 2:28 pm
Probably? I think there was no question whatsoever about whether or not a hissyfit would have ensued.
Amiright?
Any good man knows how to properly deal with a potential hissyfit.
June 20, 2013 @ 3:49 pm
Some Guy, you need to get laid! Relax! Please! It’s just a funny cute story! Really? You had to go there? Did you ever think that maybe she tells this story the way she does for effect? Trying to add humor to a story is a gift and I commend her. You on the other hand are rude and need to read my blog about acting respectful. Go find Buddha, please.
June 27, 2013 @ 11:59 pm
Lorin, I think you’re dead-on with your diagnosis. Problem is, with that attitude, it’s never gonna happen….
April 14, 2016 @ 11:34 am
You want a diagnosis, this is pure narcissism. She is acting abusively towards her husband, and you’re all enabling it by cheering her on. Paul’s been effectively dehumanized here, but that’s okay because pretty mirrors. Disgusting.
June 20, 2013 @ 3:25 am
I love your post! I think your so funny and very entertaining!
Only’ SOME GUY ‘ could come up with such a crude comment as the above. What’s a guy doing on this blog in the first place?
Gorgeous mirror!!! Keep doing what your doing, you do it Sooo well.
June 20, 2013 @ 12:13 pm
That is Gorgeous!!!!!! No way can you pass that up! Awesome find 🙂
June 20, 2013 @ 12:24 pm
WOW, I love that mirror! I don’t blame your mirror troll at all for telling you that YOU MUST GO SEE the irror! A KINGDON it is for sure.
June 20, 2013 @ 1:13 pm
OMG. My best friend shared your blog post on Facebook, because she immediately recognized you as one of Our Tribe. 🙂 I laughed so hard as I read this – and your husband sounds just like mine. I agree with the girl who posted she is in physical pain from jealousy and still wants to be your BFF. I have room for more BFFs myself.
June 20, 2013 @ 1:23 pm
I am officially signing up for your blog feed. I have to. I have to read what you write. OMG – I died reading this and I read it ALL THE WAY TO THE END. Forget the rude comment from the guy. He doesn’t have an adequate understanding of the universe, reality and mirrors that look like kingdoms. Yes, that word would have driven me to look at the mirror, too.
June 20, 2013 @ 1:40 pm
That mirror is not the only treasure found – I can not believe I am JUST NOW diving into the fantabulouslness of your site. Like Barb I was on the edge of my seat.
June 20, 2013 @ 2:45 pm
Oh! Oh!! That is fabulously gorgeous. I need one. Or seven. Yes, definitely seven! Would eight be too many?
Although I have to say, I thought for sure that this post was going a completely different direction based on the title alone haha
June 20, 2013 @ 3:07 pm
Just found your blog. What a delight! I laughed all the way through 🙂
June 20, 2013 @ 3:07 pm
VATICAN is the perfect description. Love it!