The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
November 5, 2016 @ 9:37 am
OMG! I Just came across this post on FB. I’m in love and want to binge read all of your posts now!
November 9, 2016 @ 10:54 pm
wow !! that mirror is a beauty! and I love your writing, very entertaining , cheer me up and this is the first time I read your blog! sign up for mailing list already 🙂
November 16, 2016 @ 7:24 pm
WOW! We live in a Big old country house. and I can still remember the moment I turned the corner and saw the mirror above the living room fireplace.
http://myoldcountryhouse.com/wp-admin/upload.php?item=16107
I have never seen another one like it…until now!!! What a find. What a beauty! What a score!
November 16, 2016 @ 7:26 pm
whoops here you go!
http://myoldcountryhouse.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/LesliHouse0037.jpg
November 21, 2016 @ 8:39 am
Omg. I am with you in this one – totally and enviously! I would have to have that, too! What a gorgeous, amazing piece, and a STEAL for the price! Way to go!
November 24, 2016 @ 2:40 pm
Lol. After reading this post about the Kingdom mirror. My friend and I have all decided we want to be your friend. This post is gold, pure gold!
November 26, 2016 @ 5:19 pm
You are so much fun. And I always have to show your posts to my husband, because I ALMOST seem rational by comparison… Or at the very least, he knows he is not the only husband who missed the bit about schlepping 700 pound stuff up the stairs on demand (which is totally in the wedding vows).
December 5, 2016 @ 8:54 am
I love it! Because you can’t take a great selfie after an Awesome Workout using a small bathroom mirror! This is EPIC!!!!
December 5, 2016 @ 8:50 pm
I am in love with you. I am not currently a lesbian, but for you, I’m willing to change.
December 8, 2016 @ 4:11 pm
This blog is hilarious. Everything I have read so far, it’s like I’m reading about myself and my husband and Craigslist antiques. He will be so amused when I prove to him that he isn’t the ONLY guy with a wife like me. LOL- I would say “he would be happy,” except we just picked up an antique wall bed, and a super ornate antique wrought iron bed. I do already own an antique wall bed. However, how do I pass up a $100 price tag on another? I don’t. hahahahaha 😉
December 10, 2016 @ 12:05 pm
What an awesome story! I love it. I love your home and you are super funny.
My husband and I are renovating/restoring a 100 year old Edwarian style American four-square house in CT.
You inspired me to look on Craig’s list and I found one of those enamel medical cabinets for our bathroom to store towels and bathroom stuff in. It was spoken for, but then the seller contacted me and said they canceled! Got it for $75! Thank you for your inspiration for giving me new ways to drive my husband crazy haha. 😉
December 14, 2016 @ 1:26 am
What a great find! Not only the one but you have two! So cool. I would have those appraised . I bet those are worth alot. They had to been in some kind of castle. King and queens and elect subjects looking in that very mirrors. So cool.
December 22, 2016 @ 8:11 am
This was so much fun to read, and the mirror is fantastic!!!
December 25, 2016 @ 3:55 pm
This story is hilarious and makes me wish I had Craigslist luck like you do. The fact you have a similar mirror in your entry really sealed the deal, and now I must read all your other posts.
December 26, 2016 @ 8:02 am
Omg that was a riot- I had o read it to my hub and I was laughing the whole time I was trying to read it to him. I do the same thing. My last craigslist “find” I had to get from southern california to the central oregon coast. I found it a ride with a lady driving a volvo wagon back from there to the town next up from mine. I gave her $50 gas money to haul it here. She had been seeking a paying passenger thru craigslist rideshare for the trip back. The item was an oak artists taboret- a cabinet to keep supplies in. I’d researched all the possibilities for the best set up for me and this was the model I wanted, but they were many hundreds of dollars new. The wife of the guy who owned it wanted it gone and she sold it to me for less than what he asked (she literally ased e to offer less!)- I got it for $100 plus the gas money. And the lady in the volvo got a safe, silent, paying passenger for her trip back. She delivered it to my door. Destiny.
December 30, 2016 @ 10:51 pm
I have NEVER read anything funnier. You got in my head-I was like YES YES!!!!!!!!!!! You get me. Oh the joy Craigslist has brought to this girl and her trolls…
December 31, 2016 @ 5:23 pm
Gorgeous! I must say, that story sounds EXACTLY like me and my husband! Enjoy!
January 1, 2017 @ 5:30 pm
You were, most assuridly, meant to have it!
January 17, 2017 @ 7:59 am
ever so slightly disappointed that you didn’t take a picture of it in the house. I’m not sure that it’s standing up by some rickety old steps did it justice.
January 20, 2017 @ 9:07 pm
I’m giving my husband dirty looks after I read this, because he’s coming up with excuses why I wouldn’t have been hauling home that big mirror. But, I did get him to haul home my giant water fountain. That I got for free. After being the 26th person in line. And only because I believed them when they said it was heavy and brought along enough muscle to load it! I can’t wait to read more of your stories!