The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
January 24, 2017 @ 10:57 am
Hey! I have the troll and the husband with murderous facial expressions. He exercises them every time I get anything of eternal importance. It only happens about 4 times a year. When will men learn if you don’t follow through, your nonverbal threats become meaningless?
Sister, the only difference between us is your troll has access to money. I bid you good tidings as you live the life yearn for. With all the things.
January 24, 2017 @ 11:04 am
Life *I* yearn for
January 25, 2017 @ 7:28 pm
I love the part when you say it’s the look of defeat or the question after all of his silence is defeat ❤️️💯❤️️
January 26, 2017 @ 7:32 pm
Truly enjoyed your story of the kingdom mirror. Epic tale of a lost treasure found. Keep up the hunt treasure troll. I bow to you.
January 29, 2017 @ 1:01 pm
YOU are my spirit animal!!!
January 30, 2017 @ 1:57 am
Oh my goodness! She thinks like me! There is another. I don’t know if that makes me ecstatic or concerned?… 👸
February 5, 2017 @ 10:54 pm
That was great ! Your Armoire find is even more funny! I just found you on twitter, pinterest & facebook ! I need more of this.
February 12, 2017 @ 4:19 pm
I’ve found my soul sister, OMG!
February 17, 2017 @ 12:50 pm
My dear, dear Victoria Elizabeth. We share more than the name Elizabeth. I only just discovered your site. The Kindom Mirror story was shared on a Facebook DECLUTTERATON group. LOL!!! I have a house full of thrift store treasures, which I must now (sadly) send on to new homes. But I have never, ever scored anything so glorious as your Kindom Mirror! Your description of your experiences and your hubby’s enabling responses are hilarious and so fantastic to read. Bless you Victoria Elizabeth. You have made my day. 🙂
February 18, 2017 @ 11:25 am
I soooooo completely understand this!!! I am green with envy, and super happy for you! I collect mirrors as well, have for many years, have never came across a score like this one!!! Better than triple 7s at the casino in my book!
I am looking at a wall in my home right now that giant would be perfect on!
Literally the Mother Load of mirrors!
Congratulations!!! And shine on!!! 🙂
March 4, 2017 @ 8:39 am
Kindred spirit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
March 10, 2017 @ 10:24 pm
Victoria- That. Is. MAGNIFICENT!!! You are undeniably the QUEEN of Craigslist and my SHERO. This is my first comment but I wanted to let you know how very much I enjoy your posts. Thank you for always making me cackle gleefully while reading your updates. I also send my belated, deepest sympathy for the loss of your Elvis. With kindest regards, from Carla in Portland, Oregon xoxo
March 14, 2017 @ 11:16 am
It’s gorgeous! <3
March 20, 2017 @ 7:47 pm
Love your story!!!! ♡♡♡
March 22, 2017 @ 5:02 pm
You, Madam, are my hero!
April 12, 2017 @ 3:09 pm
Totally love your find! Jealous! I want to be you! 🙂
April 12, 2017 @ 4:07 pm
oh…..wow! amazing find!
April 16, 2017 @ 9:02 pm
I do believe in some lifetime, you were my bff.❤
April 19, 2017 @ 1:37 am
This is the most funny thing I’ve read in a long time. Going to save it so I can annoy my husband as needed! Hahahahahaha…..luv to shop second hand, even Craigslist; )
April 19, 2017 @ 11:20 am
OMG…that was hilarious! I can relate…me and craigslist…ugh….I have a problem too. That story was just amazing. I read it to everyone in my office lol
April 20, 2017 @ 12:04 pm
I love you!!!! We are kindred spirits!