The KINGDOM mirror– proving that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
After the Victorian wardrobe salvage saga…
After spending four hours in an unheated building.
After ripping apart a wall with a toothpick.
After loading and unloading a truck until nearly midnight…
Paul told me to stop looking on Craigslist for a while.
He said I had reached my quota.
I nodded and pretended like he was the one who made such decisions.
Then I went and looked on Craigslist.
Now.
Three things:
1. I have a totally ill-advised fondness for anyone named Rocky.
2. a FIFTEEN-foot-tall mirror is far too large for our house.
3. a posting with no photo = guaranteed garbage.
So I closed the tab.
But a few weeks later, I saw it again… and the primordial-mirror-troll who lives in my head said— you should find out what that is.
And I was like— look, mirror-troll:
A. Paul’s head will explode.
B. How would I get a 15 FOOT mirror into the house?
And the mirror-troll said— what if it’s fancy?
So I emailed the guy.
Did you read that?
Did you read it closely?
Is there any description that could possibly be more appealing, than something that looks like a KINGDOM?
No.
There is not.
So the mirror-troll was like— S.C.O.R.E.
But I was like— ummm hello, twelve-feet is still WAY TOO BIG.
The mirror-troll said— I bet it’s not that big.
I bet they didn’t even measure it.
I BET YOU SHOULD GET IT.
I was like— word.
So on Saturday morning, I said to Paul, casually— do you want to go look at something?
I think his hair actually stood on end.
He was like— WHAT?
No. No, I do not.
I was like— oh, okay, well… we could go this afternoon… if you wanted to.
You know what he said?
Nothing. NOT ONE THING.
That silence USED to make me insane. But now I see it as a stage in the Kübler-Ross model of acceptance.
Not even twenty minutes later, he said— what is this thing you want to see?
To you, this sounds like a question. To me, it sounds like defeat.
So.
You can see that this is not precisely the kingdom’s home I had imagined; and I was sort of like, hmmmm… is it possible the mirror-troll has steered me wrong?
We rang the bell, and the guy came out… He walked past us, down the front steps, and started down the sidewalk.
Paul said—should we follow you? Where are we going?
And the guy said— it’s in the alley, under a tarp… it doesn’t fit in the house.
I really wish I had a photo of the look on Paul’s face.
Paul said— wait. What? How big is this?
The guy said—about 12 feet.
Paul said—TWELVE feet?
We got to the backyard and I said cheerfully— look! That’s NOT twelve feet tall!
Paul acted like this was somehow not of utmost importance.
He said— did you bring me to look at a mirror that was advertised as 12 feet tall?
And I said— no.
It was advertised as 15 feet tall.
But I thought they might be wrong.
I guess Paul is jealous of the way the universe is my personal shopper because he didn’t even acknowledge that it’s pretty amazing how I psychically knew this.
AND THEN:
I was like— I think I’m going to have a seizure.
The mirror-troll said— I TOLD YOU SO.
Proving for all time, that you NEVER KNOW what is on the other end of a Craigslist ad.
It’s probably total crap.
But it might be this:
I was like— alrighty then. YUP. For sure. I will DEFINITELY be needing that.
Let’s pack it up.
Paul said— are you kidding me? Are you even seeing the same thing I am?
And I was like— look at me. Look me in the eye. Do you really believe I am leaving here without this? Because I’m not.
If I have to go on steroids for the next six months? And get a trainer to teach me to dead-lift 1,000 pounds so that I can move it myself?
This will happen.
Paul has this look that he gets. Where CLEARLY he would like to kill someone. But now he is totally inconvenienced because he CAN’T.
Because he has to move a giant mirror.
Obviously, I’m fine with murderous irritation… it’s a small price to pay for my everlasting happiness.
Besides, it’s not my fault that the universe WANTS ME TO HAVE THESE THINGS.
It is OUTSIDE MY CONTROL.
We went home to get Brian’s truck… and on the way, I texted a photo to my mom.
She said— WOW! I cannot WAIT to see it in your house!
I told Paul— my mom loves it!
Paul said– that’s because everyone in your family is an insane enabler with no concept of reality.
Which is true. And also why I love them.
What’s that?
You’re thinking this does not look totally reasonable?
Well, it is.
All we had to do was lay it on the bed of the truck. And then use the magic straps which, for about five dollars and a lot of irritation, will do everything including hauling giant bookshelves up three flights of stairs.
Then we drove home on I-95, which is 14-lanes wide… and I have to say that there is nothing like transporting a Kingdom, down a freeway, at 60 miles-an-hour, while tractor-trailers blow by you.
You have not experienced the meaning of FUN, until you have done this.
Especially since everyone got to listen to me say 47,984 times— OH MY GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS.
CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GETTING THIS?
I CAN NOT BELIEVE IT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Everyone really enjoyed that part.
The guys who helped us get it in the house were like— what are you going to do with it?
And I’m confused by what that question means.
I’m not going to DO anything with it.
It exists.
Therefore it is mine.
The End.
see the even GIANT-er FANCIER mirror I got at auction!
September 5, 2016 @ 5:21 pm
You ended up on my Facebook feed as a suggestion. Best suggestion they’ve ever given me! What a wonderful read and I’m envious of the mirror.
September 6, 2016 @ 9:32 am
Love this, I think we might be soul sisters, separated at birth.
my very sweet, patient husband agreed.
September 8, 2016 @ 3:42 pm
This is funny! – thinking of my sweetheart’s love of Craigslist.
This isn’t funny! – remembering I’m the Paul in this story.
Thanks for the laughs!!!!
September 11, 2016 @ 10:34 am
Fantastic. There is no way that you could not have taken that thing home. Well done.
September 14, 2016 @ 11:07 pm
My goodness. You are hysterical, girl. I love this. You’re a very good writer and communicator as well as being awesome at junk shop finds. Love it! I’m following you just for the writing… (and a bit of the project stuff too)
September 15, 2016 @ 9:54 am
OMG I laughed all the way through this post!!!
September 16, 2016 @ 3:02 pm
I certainly can relate to everything you are saying, I am Paul and my husband is you! How many times have I said NO we do not need it, where are you going to put it? To my husband Craig, (who is an antique glass and porcelain restorer) looks at me as though I am not even there and does what he wants. I fight and yell but still help him carry it up the steps!
September 18, 2016 @ 6:42 pm
You are amazing! This is me too – I have to check it ALL out cuz you never know! LOL
September 23, 2016 @ 1:48 pm
I have read this story SEVERAL times, and have shared it too. I get tears in my eyes every time as I LOL. It brings JOY to my heart knowing there are ‘others’ out there that I can relate to. SO funny <3
September 23, 2016 @ 4:20 pm
Thank you for this! I was having the most trying day EVER…..then took a break to clear my head and stumbled onto this. I was laughing out loud enough to get a few glances from fellow co-workers. You brightened my day and made everything better. 🙂
September 29, 2016 @ 7:17 am
Very entertaining AND inspiring! Redoing a bedroom and hadn’t considered Craigslist as a shopping option! Thanks!
October 2, 2016 @ 1:24 am
I wish we were neighbors! We would be perfect together! We are also r elevating an 1890 Victorian parsonage. Let’s just say our husbands are identical, as are we!!! <3
October 6, 2016 @ 12:46 pm
This is magnificent writing.
So of course, I looked for a linky-thing so I could be notified when you post more magnificent writing.
I looked and looked, but didn’t find one.
Then I decided to comment here about the magnificence of your writing, and Voila! a linky-thing thing!
All is well in my world again.
Thank you for sharing your magnificent writing.
And the linky-thing.
October 6, 2016 @ 6:27 pm
I read this whole story with a smile on my face ? I felt like I was a fly on the wall and felt everything you were feeling. I laughed when your husband (who loves you dearly) had the anger and rage at the first sight! And the OMG CAN YOU BELIVE THIS??? You’re a great writer and I hope to be able to read more from you. That’s one stunning mirror! Can you imagine the people who looked at themselves in the mirror? Awesome!! Cheers! ?
October 8, 2016 @ 8:19 am
I am you. You are me. We are one. The universe has shifted with this powerful union. Thank you.
October 13, 2016 @ 1:27 pm
I’ve just found your blog – a new subscriber. I think I may be in love. Where have you been? I have lived a life of this! I am a consummate stuff magnate – I don’t have to seek it out, it finds me. Good stuff. Really good stuff. I’ll look forward to reading your posts and catching up. I am married to Paul – or at least his female equivalent. My wife sometimes resists but after 32 years of marriage she picks her battles fairly carefully. Occasionally she still likes to rain on my parade but I have a wide umbrella so not much gets wet. As I try to tell her, it could be motorcycles, or cars, or washing machines – have you seen the guys who own 500 washing machines? They do laundry together and glaze over on the spin frequency of a 1947 Maytag Deluxe. All in, as a “condition”, I think ours is fairly benign. I will confess to a love of keyboard instruments – we even have a harpsichord………under our bed. But should I ever need one I know where to find it. Happy hunting.
October 17, 2016 @ 11:32 pm
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October 18, 2016 @ 11:41 am
Oh my gawd. I think I love you.
October 27, 2016 @ 11:26 pm
This truly was the best story! I could 100% insert myself and husband into this and it totally be true. EVERY detail. I love that mirror it’s a complete dream. My home needs one. This is now my mission.
Xoxo,
Heather | The Arbitrary Fox
October 29, 2016 @ 11:23 am
That is a gorgeous find and a hilarious story of finding it, LOL! Now I’m gonna go start stalking craigslist…I NEVER have any luck finding anything good but you’ve inspired me to keep looking.